tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14942167676263076462024-03-13T01:22:23.807-07:00Dog on the BedMichael Thomas Ford shares with you the inner workings of his poorly-wired mind.
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You're welcome.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-71183893262779464312012-10-16T07:52:00.002-07:002012-10-16T07:52:55.284-07:00What's the buzz?<iframe 10px="10px" frameborder="0" height="429px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/242715/widget/1517253" style="float: left; text-align: justify;" width="224px"></iframe><span style="text-align: justify;"></span>This morning I received an email from the Indiegogo folks. According to them, my "gogofactor" is DOWN. Your gogofactor, they explain, isn't just based on how well your campaign is doing, but also on how much people are talking about you and your campaign. You know, on buzz.<br />
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Did you know that "buzzability" is an actual word? This is terrifying. I can barely handle "impactful." Now I have to be buzzable.<br />
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I also apparently have no Klout. Klout is the latest social media tool designed to humiliate you, this time by somehow looking at your online activity and determining, on a scale of 1-100, how influential you are. A friend suggested I see how much Klout I have (you know, since I'm doing so well at being buzzable), so I checked.<br />
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My Klout score is 10. I think they give you a 10 just for being online. According to the good people at Klout, Rice Krispies are more influential than I am. Also, Honey Boo Boo and the plague.<br />
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Listen, people. This is not okay. What is this, time to pick sides for dodge ball in 8th grade gym class? Thanks a lot, Klout.<br />
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I'm now at the halfway point for the <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253">Indiegogo campaign</a>. There are 15 days left. To make this thing happen, that means we need to bring in about $287 a day between now and November 01. That's what, 8.2 hardcovers a day? Surely we can do that.<br />
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We <i>have</i> to do that. Remember, if the project isn't fully funded, it doesn't happen. Nobody gets books. So here's the plan. Tell EVERYONE. And I mean everyone. Make LILY buzzable. Start buzzing. Because if this doesn't happen, I'm going to be sad. We're all going to be sad. Do you really want me to have a dismal gogofactor, no Klout, <i>and</i> no book? No, you don't. Because that's just wrong.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-7935150945300928492012-10-10T08:52:00.000-07:002012-10-10T09:08:49.483-07:00The Indiegogo Campaign: Day 10 Report<iframe 10px="10px" frameborder="0" height="429px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/242715/widget/1517253" style="float: left; text-align: justify;" width="224px"></iframe><span style="text-align: justify;">Day 10? What, you might be asking, happened to days 4 through 9?</span><br />
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Well, a couple of things. I got the flu (again). The truck died. One of the dogs was sick. Some other unpleasant stuff got in the way. Frankly, I was a little depressed and decided to watch bad horror films instead of be my usual perky self.</div>
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But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about Lena Dunham. Book circles are buzzing about the $3.7 million advance Dunham just got from Random House for her as-yet-unwritten advice book for young women. Dunham, by the way, is the 26-year-old writer/director of the film <i>Tiny Furniture</i> and the creator/writer/director/star of a show called <i>Girls,</i> which apparently received a bunch of Emmy nominations this year. So yay for her. That's impressive. She also seems really nice.</div>
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But this advance. Oy, this advance. I have also been published by Random House. They're home to my Jane Austen-as-modern-day-vampire series. And I can tell you this--I didn't get $3.7 million for those books. I was really happy with what they did give me, but probably not nearly as happy as Lena Dunham is. Particularly considering that this is her first book. My books were my 55th, 56th, and 57th. Not that I'm counting.</div>
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A lot of people have asked me if I think Dunham deserves her advance. Well, a publisher decides what to advance you based on how well they think the book will sell. And if Random House thinks Dunham's book is good enough to warrant giving her $3.7 million, they must think she's going to sell somewhere between 500,000 and 750,000 copies, because that's how many they'll need to move in order to make a profit. And even at those numbers, Dunham won't have actually earned back her advance, as she'll presumably be getting the usual 15% royalty rate. If her book has a $27 list price, that means she'll be chalking up $4.05 for each copy sold, meaning she'll need sales of about 913,500 copies to earn out.</div>
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That ain't gonna happen. Never. So does that mean Dunham doesn't deserve her $3.7 million? To me, the more useful question is, does <i>anyone</i> deserve a $3.7 million advance?</div>
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That's a difficult question to answer. If Random House had offered me $3.7 million for my Jane Austen vampire books, I don't think I can with even a hint of honesty tell you that I would have said, "That's way too much! How about we do a hundred thousand and you use the rest to sign up some other folks?" But I know someone who did just that. When bidding on her novel reached heights she never dreamed of, she called a halt to it and accepted a lower offer. Why? Because she knew that if her book failed, not only would <i>she</i> never receive an advance like that again, <i>no one writing books like hers</i> would receive such an advance. She didn't want that to happen.</div>
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Her book, by the way, went on to be very successful, and ultimately she did earn an amount equal to what she would have gotten had she let publishers keep upping their offers for her book. It just took her a lot longer to get there. As in probably twenty years longer. And that brings up a good point: As an author, you're going to earn the same amount for your book whether you get that money up front as an advance or over time as royalties. Unless, of course, you're overpaid to begin with and never earn back the advance. But let's assume you do. Lena Dunham could indeed sell enough copies to earn her $3.7 million over time. It's doubtful, but it could happen. So why throw that $3.7 million at her right away? Why not give her a million now and let the rest come to her in the form of royalty checks twice a year? Then use that other $2.7 million to buy some other books.</div>
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My novelist friend <a href="http://lowenthal.etherweave.com/">Michael Lowenthal</a> pointed out that pretty much every author we know would be thrilled to receive a $50,000 advance for a novel. That's a lot of money for most authors, who generally receive well below that. Using that number, we could give Dunham her million and still have enough left to give 54 other writers and their books a chance at success. That seems reasonable, no?</div>
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But of course that $3.7 million isn't just about the quality of Dunham's book. It's about creating buzz. The $3.7 million isn't for Dunham's words so much as it is for Dunham herself. She's the It Girl of the moment. She's funny. She's hip. She's everything Random House wants their readers to think <i>they</i> are. What they're buying in Dunham isn't a book, it's an image, or more precisely a pop culture moment that they hope will live long enough for them to get a return on their investment.</div>
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So do I think Lena Dunham deserves a $3.7 million advance? No. But it has nothing to do with her as a person or a writer. I think she's pretty great. And it's not her fault that the world of books and publishing is changing into something that writers like Flannery O'Connor and William Faulkner wouldn't recognize. She's just the most recent beneficiary of a publishing world desperately trying to figure out how to stay relevant. But if she wants to donate $50,000 to my Indiegogo campaign for <i>my</i> book, I wouldn't say no.</div>
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Speaking of which, I'm at the 1/3 mark as far as campaign time goes, but just under that for actual sponsorship. If you've been thinking about participating, please head over to my <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253">Indiegogo campaign page</a> now. And please, please, please keep telling your friends about the project. Word of mouth has been my biggest promotion tool, so hound everyone. They'll thank you for it later.</div>
Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-45508838810844542312012-10-04T11:53:00.002-07:002012-10-04T11:53:32.858-07:00The Indiegogo Campaign: Day 3 Report<iframe 10px="10px" frameborder="0" height="429px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/242715/widget/1517253" style="float: left;" width="224px"></iframe> Three days in, and we're already at 25%! I'm really, really pleased with how it's going. I'm even more pleased at how much conversation this campaign is generating. Thanks to a mention by the fabulous <a href="https://www.facebook.com/emmaddryden">Emma Dryden</a> of <a href="http://www.drydenbks.com/">drydenbks</a>, I've been corresponding with a lot of people interested in this idea.
One of the questions I'm being asked most often is if I'm doing this because I think authors and traditional publishers have an adversarial relationship. The short answer is that no, I don't think authors and traditional publishers have an adversarial relationship. What I think is that the publishing world has changed so quickly--and continues to change so rapidly on a daily basis--that no one really knows what to do. And because authors are ultimately the ones most affected by whether or not their books sell, we're the ones who need to take control of our work and our careers. Nobody else is going to do it for us.
I started in publishing in 1988 as an editorial assistant. When I left five years later to write full time, editors at my company still weren't using computers. "Electronic rights" were a vague concept that neither the contracts department nor agents really knew what to do about. We all pretty much had our heads in the sand and kept reassuring ourselves that huge changes might be coming, but if so they were waaaaaay down the line.
Well, that lane was shorter than we thought. Those changes came, and they're still coming. And we still don't really know what to do about them. Ebooks have changed everything about how we read books, about how we sell books, and about how books themselves are perceived. Self-publishing has gone from being largely a vanity undertaking to a viable pathway for authors who want to have more control over their work. Publishing is a totally different world now than it was when I stepped into it 25 years ago.
I decided to go this route with LILY because it's an odd little book that, frankly, probably would have gotten lost in the shuffle if I'd taken the traditional publishing route. This way, readers who want to read it can get it, and I get to do the book the way I want to. It's simply another way to get a book into the world. I'm still working on projects with traditional publishers, and while I think there's definitely room for improvement there, I'm also excited by the things publishers are trying to do.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Emma for mentioning my project, to everyone who has written, and to everyone who has donated to the campaign. There's still a long way to go, but every time I get an email from Indiegogo letting me know that someone else has contributed, it makes my day. Please keep spreading the word!
Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-72247822180506308472012-10-03T05:25:00.001-07:002012-10-03T05:25:51.984-07:00The Indiegogo Campaign: Day 2 Report<iframe 10px="10px" frameborder="0" height="429px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/242715/widget/1517253" style="float: left;" width="224px"></iframe>
I can't believe that only 48 hours in, we're already at 20% on the <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253">Indiegogo campaign!</a> As one of the Galactica crew might say, this is frakking amazing.<br />
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A couple of questions have come in from people regarding what I'm doing, so I thought I would answer them here, in case anyone else has been wondering about them.<br />
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1. Is LILY, the novel, about Lillie, the dog in the video?<br />
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No. In fact, I didn't even think about that until someone mentioned it. But Lillie does deserve her own book. She has a great story.<br />
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2. Are you giving up on traditional publishing altogether?<br />
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Again, no. I have a number of books in the works that will likely end up being published through traditional channels. There are some books for which this is still currently a better option. But I also am working on a couple of things for which this new model might work wonderfully. LILY is something of a test to see just how well it works.<br />
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3. What happens if you don't raise the full $7,000?<br />
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This is an all-or-nothing campaign, meaning that if the project isn't fully funded by midnight on October 31, it doesn't happen. Nobody will be charged, but nobody will get books. I'll go back to the drawing board and on to the next thing. I won't consider this a failure, as I'm doing it partly to gauge reader reception to this idea, but I will be disappointed.<br />
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That's your update for today. I may have another exciting announcement in the next couple of days, so keep tuning in. In the meantime, thank you for all of your help in getting the word about my campaign out there. You're all awesome.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-52769921451539183692012-10-02T08:18:00.000-07:002012-10-02T08:18:11.612-07:00The Indiegogo Campaign: Day 1 Report<iframe 10px="10px" frameborder="0" height="429px" scrolling="no" src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/242715/widget/1517253" style="float: left;" width="224px"></iframe>
So yesterday I launched the <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253">Indiegogo campaign</a> for my new novel, LILY.<br />
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Wow. The response has been fantastic. In just 24 hours the project is 8% funded, and it's thanks to readers participating and sharing the news with friends. It's very gratifying to see such support for this new way of getting art into the world.<br />
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There are 30 days left in the campaign. It only happens if the project is fully funded, so I need to keep the momentum going. I figure I need to raise $215 a day to reach the finish line. To put it in terms of books, I need to move a total of 185 more hardcovers, 259 more paperbacks, or 431 more ebooks. That's about 6 hardcovers, 9 paperbacks, or 14 ebooks a day.<br />
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Indiegogo says it typically takes seven "contacts" before someone contributes to a campaign. I hate to poke you that much, so how about we save ourselves the bother and you just trot over to my <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253">Indiegogo page</a> now and pick yourself up some goodies?<br />
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Thanks again to everyone who has already contributed and, just as important, shared my project with their friends. Keep spreading the word!Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-73908280813161129612012-10-01T05:43:00.001-07:002012-10-01T05:44:03.104-07:00Indiego-go-go<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmauRAacip5ksCm22YtGoPQezAZ07IIoMxKDl-ozAooPOf-MHQNBD88kPHCFvF1pKNSWnrD5JwfNedEYJlMBwGF4Yi54ioXPF-zHxcOguyA_dPFhs7KXiIL30tqgT_4fS351ArqPIRtKs/s1600/lily+square.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmauRAacip5ksCm22YtGoPQezAZ07IIoMxKDl-ozAooPOf-MHQNBD88kPHCFvF1pKNSWnrD5JwfNedEYJlMBwGF4Yi54ioXPF-zHxcOguyA_dPFhs7KXiIL30tqgT_4fS351ArqPIRtKs/s200/lily+square.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">So today is a big day. It's my 44th birthday. And to celebrate, I'm doing two things: relaunching my blog and launching an Indiegogo campaign for my latest novel, LILY. You can read about the campaign and why I'm doing this on my <a href="http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/242715?a=1517253#share">Indiegogo page.</a> You can read the first three chapters of LILY here. If you enjoy them, please consider supporting my campaign.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">LILY: A NOVEL</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">Chapter One</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>On the morning of her thirteenth birthday, Lily kissed her father and knew that he would be dead by nightfall. The image of his death dropped into her mind suddenly and without warning. As her lips touched his she saw behind the thin skin of her closed eyes his face, pale and wet, rising up from the waves surrounded by caressing fingers of sea grass, and she screamed.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother started, and the pitcher of cold milk she held in her hands crashed to the kitchen floor, where it exploded in a fury of glass and spread over the wood. Her father grabbed her and put his arms around her, but she beat her hands against his back, sobbing and trying to push away the lifeless body that slumped on her breast.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Lily," he said. "What on earth happened?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She looked into her father's anxious face, at the blue eyes clouded over with worry for her. She opened her mouth to speak, and found that she couldn't. Her voice seemed to have been drained away, and as hard as she tried, she could not coax any sound from her empty throat.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"What's the matter, honey?" her father pleaded. "Are you all right?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily nodded. She knew that she was in no way all right, that nothing was all right, yet she sensed that to indicate otherwise would somehow throw everything even further out of balance. Her father clutched her to his chest, and again she saw his body hovering in the blue-green water, the eyes wide and staring, the mouth filled with the sea. She struggled to keep from vomiting, putting her arms around her father's neck, relieved to find that his shirt was crisp and dry under her fingers.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Why don't you go upstairs and lie down," he said, stroking her hair softly. "Then this afternoon we can open your presents."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily nodded and turned away quickly before his skin could become wet and his lips swollen. She ran up the stairs to her bedroom and shut the door behind her. Lying on her bed, she put her hands over her face and waited for the vision of her father's death to come again. When it didn't, she fell into a troubled sleep and began to dream.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The branches were dead, thin and pale as bird bones and covered in the coldest frost. As she made her way through the trees, her fingers touched them lightly, sending showers of ice tumbling silently down through the blue of the moonlight like fine nets cast out over the sea. Her bare feet left small hollows in the snow as she walked, which the edge of her night dress filled in behind her, leaving no trace of her passing.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She was unaware of the cold that kissed and licked at her bare flesh. She moved across the snowy ground as if it were summer grass, pushing her way through the empty arms of the trees until suddenly the forest opened up before her and she was standing in a clearing. The trees formed a perfect circle around her, their branches closely knotted together to keep safe whatever awaited her inside. Above the circle in the wood the moon hung low in the winter sky.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sitting in the clearing was a cottage. It looked like many of the cottages in the village, with a pointed roof and small, square windows that shone blackly in the moonlight. Tendrils of smoke crept from the top of the stone chimney, and through one of the windows Lily could see the pale yellow light of what she was sure must be a fire.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Suddenly, she felt the cold of the snow for the first time. She shivered, and drew her arms around herself. Beneath her bare feet, the cold crunched and bit at her toes.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She walked quickly to the door of the cottage and knocked. When there was no answer, she put her hand on the latch and lifted. The door opened, and she went inside, shutting it behind her. The warmth of a fire greeted her, and she felt the cold slipping from her skin.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Looking up, she saw that there was indeed someone else in the cottage. Standing near the hearth was an old woman, stirring a cauldron that hung over the fire. Her long hair fell about her face in wild tangles, and she was humming to herself a song that sounded to Lily both wild and soothing at the same time.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I'm sorry to intrude, grandmother," Lily said. "I knocked, but no one came."</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I heard you," the woman said, turning her face to Lily. Her eyes were black as night, and her nose so long that it nearly touched her chin. Her mouth held a row of crooked teeth, and around her throat was a necklace of bones. Lily was startled by her appearance, but said nothing.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"You have come to Baba Yaga's house for something," the old woman said. "What is it?"</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I...I...don't know," said Lily. "I just found myself here."</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"No one finds herself at Baba's house," said the old woman, laughing. "The path is too well hidden. You come here only when you are ready. Are you ready, child?"</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba stopped stirring the pot and came toward Lily. Lily backed away, looking fearfully at the old woman's gnarled hands, the fingers ending in broken nails.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Are you ready?" Baba Yaga asked again. This time, her voice was cold.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily could only shake her head. She didn't know what Baba Yaga meant. Ready for what? How had she come to be there?</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"This is just a dream," Lily said, holding up her hands in front of her face.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga laughed again, filling the small house with her shrieks. Her voice rattled the windows, and on the hearth the fire died down to a frightened glow.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"No one dreams in Baba's house," the old woman cried. "Now answer me, girl. Are you ready?"</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga was standing right in front of Lily, her dead black eyes looking into Lily's face. Lily could smell her stale breath ripe with the scent of rotting leaves. She stood there, trying to stop the racing of her heart.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Ready for what?" she whispered.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"For the riddles," Baba Yaga replied, turning her head to the side and smiling. "Baba asks, and you answer. If you answer correctly, I give you a gift."</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"What kind of gift?" Lily asked.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"A birthday gift," answered the old woman. "It is your birthday, is it not?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily nodded. "How did you know?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga cackled, spinning around in circles until she was spinning so quickly she was a blur. When she came to a stop, she was near the hearth once more, stirring the cauldron.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Baba knows much," she said simply.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"And if I guess incorrectly?" Lily asked. Now that Baba Yaga was some distance from her, she felt a little more brave.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba turned and grinned. "Then I eat you," she said.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily looked at the necklace of bones, which Baba Yaga was fingering slowly as she spoke. Now she understood their meaning. Her heart turned cold, and her breath swept out of her throat in a gasp. Baba saw her fear and smiled. She laid aside the long spoon she stirred with and came back to where Lily stood, frozen in terror.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"A fair game, I think," she said as she waited for Lily to speak. "Now, are you ready, girl?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga reached out one bony hand and took Lily's fingers in it. As her claws curled around Lily's soft hand, Lily started.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Are you death or life?" she said suddenly.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga frowned. Her eyes hardened, but she said nothing.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily looked startled. "I see nothing," she said, looking at Baba Yaga's hand in her own. "I see no ending for you. Why is that so?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Baba Yaga dropped Lily's hand and backed away.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It is Baba who asks the questions," she said angrily.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Tell me," Lily pleaded. "Why is it that I see no death for you?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Silence!" Baba roared. Suddenly she seemed to grow larger, filling the house until her head was bent beneath the rafters. Her black eyes blazed with cold fire, and Lily trembled.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"You are not ready for Baba's game," the old woman hissed through teeth the size of platters. "Now leave this house before I decide to eat you anyway."</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Please," said Lily. "I need to know what I am. I know you can tell me."</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I will tell you nothing," Baba Yaga said. "Now go. Go before I lose my temper."</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her hand swept through the air, the force of it blowing Lily toward the door, which opened by itself. Lily shielded her eyes from the wind, and felt herself being pushed through the doorway and into the night. She tumbled into the snow and lay there, the cold soaking into her skin.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When she looked up, she saw that the clearing had changed. Now it was surrounded by a fence of pointed sticks. Atop each stick sat an empty skull with pale light shining from its eyes. Lily gazed at them in horror, then looked into the gaping door of Baba Yaga's cottage. Through the blackness she saw one of Baba's gigantic unblinking eyes watching her.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Go," said Baba, her voice pouring from the windows and the chimney. "And do not come back until you are ready. The next time I will not be so kind."</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily staggered to her feet and ran. She pushed open the gate in the fence of skulls and fled into the forest. Her hands pushed at the branches, and her feet slipped on the frozen ground. The snow was falling thickly now, and the wind whipped it about her in gusts that filled her eyes with stinging cold. There was no path for her to follow back to where she had come from, and she groped wildly in the blizzard for something that would lead her to safety.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She looked up at the moon, and saw to her horror that it was the dark, cold eye of Baba Yaga looking down at her. The winter night broke open in a terrible smile, and the stars sank into the hungry mouth of teeth.</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Are you ready?" came the haunting cry. "Are you ready, girl?"</i></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily sank into the snow and cried. As the blizzard swept over her shaking body, she wept, and the tears froze on her cheeks.</i></div>
<div class="p2" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She awoke with a start, looking up into the white expanse of her bedroom ceiling. The quilt was pulled up around her neck, and the room was filled with an oppressive heat. There was a sharp crack of light, and then came the sound of thunder rolling across the sun. Lily looked to the window and saw that outside the sky had turned the ugly yellow color of fear.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She glanced at the clock and saw that its hands held the time at late afternoon. She had slept all day. She remembered little of her dream, but she recalled clearly her vision from the morning. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Her father would be out at sea in his boat. As she realized this, the rain swept in from the swells and began to pound on the roof.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The sound drove her out of bed and sent her stumbling for the door. As the terror of the morning rushed back and filled her mind once more, she was overcome by the need to find her father, to hold him in her arms and feel the life flowing in him again. She fumbled with the latch on her door, struggling to remember how his face looked. When she couldn't, her heart jumped crazily.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her nightgown grabbed at her feet, tripping her up as she raced down the set of twisting stairs to the kitchen. The storm outside rocked the world as she finally reached the bottom and ran into the kitchen calling out, "Father? Where is father?" Her voice was unfamiliar to her, as though she were calling into the wind and was hearing her words echoed back in tatters.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Once in the kitchen, she stopped. Sitting at the table was the village's lone policeman. His hat rested on the tabletop, and in his hands was an untouched cup of coffee, the steam rising up and trailing away somewhere just below his face. When he saw Lily, he paused, his mouth open as though he'd bitten in two the word waiting unspoken on his tongue.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Where's father?" Lily demanded of her mother, who stood near the stove, her arms wrapped protectively about her chest as she rocked silently against the wall. "Where is he?"</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Lily," the policeman began, then stopped. She looked into his eyes and saw nothing in them. She turned to her mother, who was looking at the floor.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Lily," the policeman said again. "Your father... The storm..." He stopped, staring down into the hot pool of his coffee as though searching for an answer.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"He's dead," her mother said into the silence, the words slipping out cold as well water. She looked up at Lily, and Lily saw that her eyes, too, were empty. Lily didn't know why, but she understood that the anger had settled into her mother's heart.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"He's dead," she said again. "Drowned."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Where is he?" Lily demanded, and when no one answered her, she screamed the question again, her voice shredding the quiet. "Where is he?"</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"The body is still on the beach," the policeman said. "We found him a short time ago."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I want to see him," Lily said quietly. She moved toward the door.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"That's not a good idea," the policeman said, reaching out to grab her arm.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily twisted away, looking up into his face. "It's not a good idea," he said again. "He drowned."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I know," Lily answered. "It was because of me."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The policeman looked at her, puzzled.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Don't you understand?" she said. "I did it. I have to see him. I have to know."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>While the policeman stared, she slid from his grasp and out the door. Her mother made no move to stop her, watching her with an empty face. Outside, the wind and rain swarmed about her like bees, stinging her skin and blinding her eyes as she made her way through the clouds of sea lavender and down the path to the beach. From the crest of the hill she could see the small crowd gathered at the water's edge, and she made her way toward it, the sand rough against her bare feet.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Reaching the beach, she pushed through the crowd of onlookers, the women, men, and children of the village who had come as soon as they'd heard that the sea had taken one of their own back into her arms. Lily knew them all, but at that moment she recognized no one as she looked past them to the still body lying on the sand. Her father lay there, still, as if for some unexplained reason he had fallen asleep in his clothes, while around him three men stood helplessly.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Seeing Lily, the crowd stepped back, forming a wall as Lily fell to her knees beside her father. They watched as she reached out and ran her hands over his face, the skin mottled in bursts of plum and rose where the sea had kissed the life from his lungs. Lily brushed the seaweed from his dark hair, and her fingers danced over his closed eyes. Her long black hair fell in curls over his chest as she bent her head and wept into her hands.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>After some time, she felt a hand on her back. "It's time to take him back now, child," said a kind voice close to her ear. She looked up into the face of Alex Henry. The closest thing the village had to a doctor, Alex Henry knew the ways of life and death not because he'd studied them, but because he'd lived them many times over. He had delivered Lily, and her father before her, and his father before him. There were some who believed he was as old as the land itself, and even the oldest among them could not recall a time when he had not inhabited the small cottage at the very end of the point that stretched furthest into the sea of any piece of land along the coast.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Of all the village, only Lily's mother had not entered the world cradled in Alex Henry's hands. She had not been born into their midst but brought to it by Lily's father, who fell in love with her during his one venture outside the familiar walls of his life and returned with a thin gold ring around his finger and a woman who feared the sound of waves against the rocks.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily surrendered herself to Alex Henry's touch, thankful that he could take from her for a moment the searing pain that crackled throughout her body and replace it with a cool shade that surrounded her heart and settled it. She felt herself lifted in his arms and led through the crowd. The storm still rattled overhead, but she heard nothing as Alex Henry walked with her back up the path to her house.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When Alex Henry entered the kitchen with Lily, her mother ceased speaking. The policeman jumped to his feet and put his hands nervously behind his back.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Alex," he said. "I was just..."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"The girl needs rest," the old man interrupted. "I will see her upstairs."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>He helped Lily up to her room, where she sat on her bed and looked into Alex Henry's face. "I killed him, you know," she said.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Alex Henry laughed. "You did no such thing, child," he said. "Your father was simply given back to the sea. She chose him long ago, before you were born. Before he was born."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"But I saw him," Lily whispered, fearful even of speaking such words. "I touched him and saw him dead." She held up her hands for Alex Henry, as though he might be able to see through the flesh and bone to the darkness she felt coursing in her veins.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>He took her hands in his and held them tightly for a moment. "Yes," he said. "You have some of the magic in you."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"What is it?" she asked, pleading.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Alex Henry looked into her eyes. "It is that which runs beneath the surface of the sea," he said. "It is what calls the rose to bloom and the stars to dance in formation season after season. It is wild with danger and mad with delight. It is what our hearts beat for."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Why has it come to me?" Lily asked.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It has not come to you," Alex Henry said quietly. "It is you who have gone to it. It's breath beats in everything, waiting only for those brave enough or foolish enough to reach out and take hold of it."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"But I didn't reach out," Lily said. "I did nothing."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Sometimes we call out without knowing," said Alex Henry, "and it answers."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily thought of her dream of the night before. Pieces of it were coming back to her now, and she was afraid. She thought about telling Alex Henry, but she didn't. "Will it happen again?" she asked.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I don't know that answer," he said. "It will stay as long as it is needed. For some the moment is so brief that its presence is never even felt. For others it remains for a lifetime."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"How is it with you?" Lily asked, looking into his face.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Alex Henry smiled. "It is time to dress now," he said. "There is much to do in the next hours." He turned and left the room.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily sat on her bed, listening to the rain outside calling sweetly and singing of death. Slowly, she rose and went into the small bath. Its windows opened out over the rolling seas, and because the house was built on a cliff, she could see no land below her. She sometimes shut the door and stood looking out at the endless plain of water, on the surface of which she saw reflected the changing colors of the year. Caught up there between sky and water, she sometimes played that she was a maiden who peered through castle windows day and night, watching for her lover to return from a voyage across the seas, his arms laden with strangely-scented flowers. </div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>But now things had changed. She was no longer a maiden. She was just a girl, a girl imprisoned in a single thin tower that rose up from the sea like a great needle piercing the world, and from which there was neither entrance nor escape. She was a girl who held death in her hands, gazing out her window onto the lifeless bodies of those who, driven mad with desire, had tried to reach her by throwing themselves into the sea. She saw love bruised on the faces that looked up to her window, and she cried.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> She cried for a long time, thinking of her father and how she had killed him, for even though she had heard Alex Henry's words, she had not believed them. She looked at her hands, twisted into balls in her lap, and she felt evil in them. <i>Call it magic,</i> she thought. <i>Call it truth.</i> It was pure pain she felt running through her heart, and she hated it. She wanted nothing more than to reach inside her chest and pull it out, beating wildly, and throw it into the sea as an offering in exchange for her father's life. </div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> She stepped out of her nightgown, moving to stand in front of the long mirror her father had hung on the wall nearest the sink. Her body was thin, the skin slipping lightly over bones. Her dark hair fell loosely about her shoulders, and she saw for the first time that her breasts were becoming those of a woman, that the small patch of hair between her legs had thickened. She saw reflected in the clear face of the glass the shade of a beautiful woman.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It was this woman, she told herself, who had killed her father. In crossing over the line of her thirteenth year, which brought with it the swelling of her breasts and the unfolding of her body, she had unknowingly awakened some deep magic that needed for its working the sacrifice of love. It had reached and taken greedily the thing she loved best, feeding itself on his soul.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily hated this woman, and as she looked at her image in the mirror, she determined to stop her entrance into the world. She had been made stronger by the death of Lily's father, but she had not fully crossed over. Lily knew she could be pushed back, hidden so deeply that she could not take away anything else.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She turned to the bath and drew the water. It tumbled hotly into her hands, and she welcomed the heat as it drew itself into her skin and banished the chill that had invaded her bones. She lowered herself into the comforting curve of the tub and let herself sink into the water as it rose to surround her. She closed her eyes, imagining herself floating in the sea. The water rose over her hips, then surged around her breasts, and still she kept her eyes shut. It licked at her throat, and then she felt it close over her mouth and nose.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Only then did she open her eyes, gazing up through the thin skin of water that covered her body. She could see the familiar shapes of the bathroom around her, thrown out of focus by the distortion of the water's motion. She wondered if this was what it was like to drown, if just before death the drowning person looked up and saw through the waves the shapes of a familiar world stretched into fantastical lines. She wondered what her father saw just before the water filled his lungs and his heart had stopped beating.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The water became deeper, filling up the big tub until she was lying at the bottom with a foot of ever-shifting golden light between her and life. There, caught between the worlds of water and air, she floated, listening. Her ears were filled with the sounds of the storm coming from far away, as though somewhere far above her a giant blacksmith was beating his hammer against a forge and the echo was rolling down and around her head, becoming less powerful as it pushed its way through the water until, reaching her, it had become a soothing pulse. </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Without wanting to, she found herself thinking about the ability of water to shut out the harshness of the upper world. She recalled once when she was very small being on the deck of a boat during a sudden and furious storm, and looking down into the black waves. The shrieking of the wind and the startled cries of the other passengers had upset her. Then the boat had shifted violently as a wave lifted it up, and she had been dumped into the ocean. The blackness closed over her head, and as she sank into it, in the moments before someone dove in to bring her back, her one thought had been not how frightened she was, but how quiet and calm it had been under the water. </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It was like that now. Outside the storm raged, while in the tiny bathroom at the top of the house on the cliff, a girl who was not yet a woman was rocked in a warm cocoon. The shifting light threw patterns against the porcelain so delicate that the slightest movement of a finger or toe caused them to fall apart like breaking glass, only to reform moments later in entirely new ways as they played across her skin. She felt as though she was a creature waiting for its time to be born, knowing that while it remained in its shell of light it would be forever protected. </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>After a minute had passed, her chest began to ache, as the oxygen she had drawn into her lungs at the last moment before she submerged ran out. Her body cried out for her to leave the water and return to the realm of air. At the same time, she felt a peculiar desire to stay where she was, to let the water drag her even further down into itself, where she would not have to hear the sounds of storms. She wondered how many people, when they drowned, faced an instant when they had to choose to keep reaching for air and life or to simply sink. How many of them, thinking they wanted nothing more than to draw breath once more, stopped only inches away from the surface and, bewitched by the quiet, turned back. She imagined her father trying to push his way up through the blue as the remaining oxygen within him evaporated into his blood. She pictured him frozen, knowing that another pull of his arms would bring him through the barrier between life and death. She wondered if he'd had to choose.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Then came the moment when she herself had to make that decision. She could lift her head and rise up, or she could remain still. Despite the burning of her lungs as they called to her for air, she felt something comforting about the idea of taking the water into herself, of filling up every empty space inside with warmth. She closed her eyes, surrounding herself with the feeling of it. And as she did, she saw again her father's face, the dead eyes staring into her own, and she chose.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She screamed, the sound emerging as bubbles that rolled out of her mouth and went speeding up to the light. Her body followed, her head rushing up behind the scream until suddenly she was through and air was filling her lungs in great gasping sobs.</div>
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Chapter Two</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>In the way of the village, they buried Lily's father that evening, despite the storm that continued to rage around the point where the cemetery had stood since the first inhabitant had died and been laid to rest there, looking out over the sea, her grave swept clean by endless winds. It was there that the people gathered at dusk, the lanterns they held in their hands casting a golden pale over the hole that had been dug as soon as news of the drowning had spread. Beside the hole lay the body, wrapped from head to toe in whitest linen, and tied around the chest with a red cord.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The village had no priest, as they followed nothing that would be called a religion by anyone who happened upon them murmuring into the waves before launching their boats or saw them pinning small bags of salt or bunches of mistletoe inside the pockets of their greatcoats before setting out after dark had fallen. Yet they were possessed of rituals as dark and as strong as any performed by the servants of God, and it was Alex Henry who led them through them. He stood now beside the mouth in the earth, looking out at the sea and waiting. When the last of the sun had fallen behind the horizon and the first and brightest star of evening was visible even through the cloud-washed sky, he turned to the assembled villagers.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It is time," he said, and nodded to the two men on either side of him. Moving like ghosts, they took the head and feet of the body that lay on the grass and gently lowered it into the ground. Then they stepped back, and all eyes turned to Lily, who stood at the opposite end of the grave from Alex Henry. Her mother had refused to come, locking herself in her bedroom when they came for her, and so she stood alone looking down at her father's shell.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It is the child who begins it," said Alex Henry, and Lily walked to the pile of earth beside the grave and took a handful of dirt. Clutched in her fist, it was cool with rain, and she felt it compress into a ball as she squeezed it tightly. Turning to the open hole, she held her hand over her father's chest and crumbled the earth in her fingers. It fell in a fine rain over the linen, dusting the body as cinnamon might fall over freshly-baked bread. When her hand was empty, she turned away.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>One by one, the villagers filed past the grave, each one taking up a handful of earth and passing it over the body of Lily's father. This much of the death ritual they shared with those outside their world; even the children understood the importance of covering the body with earth from their hands. Lily watched as fathers led to the grave little ones barely able to walk and helped them cast their offerings into the darkness.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When they had all passed, Alex Henry nodded once more to the two men beside him, and they began to fill the remainder of the hole, their shovels working like clockwork arms as one lifted a spoonful of dirt, turned it into the hole, and then swept away as his companion echoed the sequence. Lily knew that they would be done quickly, as tradition demanded, and that before the moon rose to its highest point her father would be wrapped in earth.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The villagers began the walk back to the small group of houses, and as the last person passed by her, Lily fell into step with the others. Moments later, the song of death began, the first high keening note sung by the woman with the most beautiful voice. The others joined in after her, and soon the night air was filled with the sounds of many voices. Lily sang too, taking comfort in the words of light and love and renewal. Her heart was sore, and she knew that she would cry more tears in the days to come, but as she watched the procession of gentle light wind its way down the sloping path and into the welcoming arms of the village, she sang with joy.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>They came to the doors of the great hall, and went inside. As they did at each death, they would spend the night together, eating and drinking around the fire. The youngest would be told stories of the creatures that came out with the moon and of things that danced beneath the sea. They would hear of the fair folk and the selkies, of the White Ladies and the kobold. They would be told of foolish Sarah, who had followed a man with the feet of a goat into the forest and returned seven years later, her mind half gone, and of the young man who listened too closely to the promises of a vodyany and been drowned for want of a kiss.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Like the funeral, this was the way of the village. Lily could remember with great accuracy the first time she'd sat in the hall, on a winter's night when the sea wind hurled snow sharp as razors and they gathered to celebrate the death of old Elsbeth Applegrim, almost two hundred years old when finally she'd turned from her baking and crumbled into dust on the kitchen floor. Lily had sat, eyes wide with terror and excited wonder, as Alex Henry had told the children why the villagers wrapped their dead about with red cord.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"The soul," he said in a voice like wine seeping from its cask, "is tied to the body like a lover to a lover. When one dies, the other wanders alone and afraid. We bind the soul to the body so that it remains at sleep. If we did not, the world would be crowded with souls looking for their missing selves."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily had seen ghosts. Everyone had. They appeared at moonfall and in the hours afterwards, pale forms that walked the fields and peered in windows. In general they were stupid creatures and not to be feared, but Lily knew that sometimes they gathered someone who looked like their missing selves into their arms and carried them into the next world. They did it for love, that was sure, but still their touch could bring death.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sitting by the fire and looking into the dancing flames, she thought about the red cord wrapped tightly about her father's chest. She imagined digging through the earth and cutting it, freeing his soul so that she could see once more what he looked like in motion. But she knew also that it would bring pain. Years ago, a young man had done exactly that, sneaking away from the safety of the great hall to the cemetery and unearthing the body of the girl he'd loved. Her spirit had risen, and he'd reached out to her, only to feel the life taken from him as she reached cold hands into his chest to warm them.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The flames warmed Lily's skin, and the voices of the people talking around her provided a soothing murmur upon which she let her tired body rest. She thought about her mother, locked in the bedroom of the empty house. She pictured her huddled against the wall of the bedroom, staring at the locked door and fearing any knock that might come against it. She wondered if her mother would open the door should her father's wraith come calling for her, or if she would put a pillow over her head and scream until morning drove him away. Her mother did not believe in such things, she knew, but she also knew that belief had little to do with whether a thing was true or not.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She was woken from her half-sleep by the touch of Alex Henry's hand on her shoulder. "I have something for you," he said, handing her two packages wrapped in blue paper and tied with string.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily looked at the bundles. "What are they?" she asked, turning them over in her hands.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Your father's birthday presents to you," he said. "I brought them from the house."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Alex Henry walked away and rejoined the children waiting for him to tell them another story about Black Hannah or the silver-eyed foxes that darted beneath the fir trees on Midsummer Eve carrying messages between the worlds. The other villagers were busy about the hall, tending the roasting meats, sewing, and remembering other nights like this one.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily picked up the larger of the two packages. It was surprisingly heavy in her hands. As her fingers worked at the knotted string, she imagined her father wrapping it, his big hands deftly knotting the thin twine as though he were mending a tear in one of his nets. Even more clearly than she remembered his face, she could recall the look and feel of his hands, so often had he held her close or lifted her up, laughing, and spun her around until the sky and sea melted together and she felt the pounding of the earth's heart in her own. His hands with their long fingers, the skin cracked from pulling the rough nets into the boat and from lifting heavy tangles of fish, flapping and dripping, from the ocean.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Finally, the knot came free, and the string fell away from the package. Lily tucked it carefully into the pocket of her dress before pulling apart the paper to see what lay beneath. It was a hand mirror, a small round of polished glass set in a silver frame. It looked very old, and Lily wondered where it had come from. It looked like something that would sit on the dressing table of a very rich woman, for her to hold in her hand and look into as she fixed her hair or applied color to her lips. </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily picked it up, feeling the warmth of the metal in her hand. The back of the mirror was decorated with seahorses and the outlines of crashing waves. She traced her finger over the fine work, feeling the ridges and valleys of metal beneath her fingers. It was fine work, done with care, and it was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. She turned it over, and saw in the glass her own reflection. The edge of the frame was also worked up into waves of silver, and her face was ringed by falling crests of water. She looked at herself, and was surprised to see that the glass reflected nothing of the room behind her. Only her face was visible, and no matter how she turned the mirror, she saw nothing else. The glass itself was very old, its surface seemingly thin as paper. Yet within it her features were shown perfectly, as though her mirror image were even more alive than she herself was. This disturbed her, and she turned the mirror over in her lap and picked up the second parcel.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The smaller gift turned out to be a small wooden box. It was perfectly smooth, with no inscription or design marring the deep red skin of the wood. Nor were there any hinges or locks; the top was carved to fit perfectly over the bottom. Lily lifted the lid and found inside a seashell. It was unlike any she had ever seen before, perfectly round and about three inches across. It was pale blue in color, and its surface was swirled with violet, like the color of the clouds just after a rain. She picked it up, and found that its sides curved back under itself, forming a hollow shape. Around the sides were tiny holes forming intricate patterns all around the edge.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Also inside the box was a note. Lily picked it up and unfolded it. Written in her father's clear, fine hand was a short letter.</div>
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Dear Lily,</div>
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I found this shell many years ago, when I was the age that you are now. I have never seen another like it, just as I have never seen another like you. As is so with other shells, when you listen to this one you will hear the sea. But sometimes you will hear much more. I took it with me when I left the village, and when I needed to return its sound led me back.</div>
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Always remember that I love you.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily folded the note carefully and put it back in the box. Then she lifted the shell to her ear and listened. The sound of the sea roared through its emptiness, carrying with it the sharp cries of gulls, the slap of waves, and the whistling of the wind where it sang freely while tossing the waves into the air. It was the familiar sound of her life, and she had heard it many times echoed in the hollow of a shell. But somehow the sound from this shell was more alive than it was in others, as though instead of merely capturing the voice of the sea, the voice originated from within the simple curve of the shell's walls. She put it back into the box and replaced the lid.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It was nearing midnight, and the villagers were gathering in the center of the hall to dance. The frenetic movement of hands and feet, they knew, kept away anything that might wish them harm. The rush of bodies moving about the room was sure to create a circle of love and warmth into which nothing dark could pass. And in movement and dance and laughter, they were reminded that they were alive, that their arms and legs could still respond to the sounds of fiddle, flute, and bells.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Joining the others, Lily stood in a ring of women, forming a large circle around the center of the hall. The men stood outside them, also in a ring, their faces bright with smiles as they stamped their feet and prepared to begin. In the corners, children laughed and giggled as they made their own small circles in imitation of their elders.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Picking up his fiddle, Arnson Pimball sounded the rush of light notes that signaled the start of the dance. When Kaylie Featherfew joined in with her flute, the women bent their knees and began a slow walk to the right, their hands clapping a beat. The men moved in the opposite direction, circling widdershins while their heavy boots made sounds as drums.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily watched the faces of the men pass by her as she moved in place between Anne Cooper and old Tressa McSnare. Each one was familiar to her, but she found herself mesmerized as she studied the lines and shadows of eyes and mouths, searching for something that would recall her father's face. As each man passed her, she paused a moment before looking at the next, as though in the time between her father would rise from the dead and come to take his place in the dance, as he had many times before.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When the circles had passed one another and each man had seen each woman's face, the music began to quicken. Kaylie's flute ran like a brook beneath the notes twirling from Alex Henry's fiddle, and the dancers prepared to begin the chain in which each woman grasped the hand of the man across from her and the circles intertwined, with each woman spinning around each man and moving on to the next. Stopped across from her childhood friend Peter Layman, Lily reached out and took his hand in hers.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Immediately, she was struck by a vision of Peter as an old man, his children, yet to be born, gathered around him as he lay dead upon his bed. The image was a peaceful one, and Lily sensed nothing but love in it, but its impact was as if someone had struck her in the head with a rock. It overwhelmed everything else, and she could feel every emotion as though it were her own. She knew the confusion felt by Peter's youngest daughter as she looked into her father's face. She sensed the separation that was just beginning to soak into the heart of his widow as she gazed into the future and saw herself alone. All of these things exploded into her mind in a single instant, battering her with sensations.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Before she had time to recover, she was passed to the next waiting hand, belonging to Hugh Van Woojin, whose cows provided the village with milk and cheese. As his calloused fingers closed around hers, the vision of Peter's death was swept from her head and replaced with one of Hugh, his face contorted in agony, stretched in the field while his cows looked down at him with puzzled expressions on their placid brown faces. Lily felt the crazy jump of Hugh's heart as it beat out of time and pain shot through his chest. She saw clearly the heavy stone he had just attempted to lift, and felt the rawness of his skin where it had fallen from his hands as he'd stumbled under its weight. Then his eyes opened, taking in the familiar faces of his herd and the sun flashing above them, and he died.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Again Lily felt herself passed to another hand, and again a vision came. A vision of death. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to concentrate on the music. She attempted to grasp onto the notes that tumbled from Alex Henry's fingers and ride them, letting them lift her above the pictures that flashed across the wall of her skull like the ever-shifting images of a kaleidoscope. But time and again she was jolted away from the music as first one scene and then another played itself out in the moments during which she touched the hands of the people she'd known all her life. She saw how each would die, most peacefully, but some in great pain and others by their own hands.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The dance seemed to speed up, and Lily felt as though she were being twirled in seven directions at once as her body spun and swayed, kept afloat by hands that, while holding her up, were also the cause of constant terror. Her blood shrieked in her veins, and she felt her skin grow overheated until she was sure she would burst into flame. Through the haze of her visions, she saw their faces, laughing and gay, dodging in and out of sight. She wondered what she looked like to them, if a bright smile covered the dizzying fall she was taking inside of herself. She wanted to scream for them to stop, but as when she saw her father's death, her throat was locked tightly. All she could do was surrender herself to the movement around her and hope that it would end soon before she was torn apart.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Tableau after tableau bloomed and died in her mind while the music played on. She saw Gudrun Caster felled by a sliver of lightning and Arles Hewer taken by the vengeful shade of his brother, Shane Egan choking on the bone of a haddock and Molly Pillsin leaping from the cliffs afterwards with their child still in her belly. She saw women and men in their beds, dead while sleeping, their eyes closed as if in dreams. She saw hanged men and women killed by poisons. She saw a woman trampled by a horse and a man whisked into the darkness as the Fair Folk lifted him out of his boat. Most painful for her were the drownings, the faces floating up blue and lifeless as her father's had. One after the other they came, and she was helpless against them.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Then the music stopped, and Lily fell to the floor. As quickly as they'd come, the visions swept out of her mind, leaving her cooled and empty. She opened her eyes, and saw that people were staring down at her, concern worrying their faces. Maxon Ashe reached down to help her up, and she twisted away. "No!" she yelled in a voice hoarse as if she'd been screaming for an hour. "Don't touch me!"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Maxon drew back, confused. Lily couldn't tell him that only moments ago she'd seen him felled by a bear hungry from a long winter of starvation. She only knew that if he touched her the vision would return, and that her heart would tear from any further pain. She lay on the floor and wept while around her people spoke in whispers of madness and enchantment.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Then Alex Henry's face broke through the crowd, and he was beside her as he'd been that morning. "The visions," she said softly. "They've come back."</div>
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Chapter Three</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>By the afternoon of the next day, everyone in the village knew of Lily's gift of sight. While certainly accustomed to the workings of magic, few had seen it manifested in such a powerful way, and the result was that Lily was looked upon with a mixture of fear and awe. Those who could remember the last time such a thing had happened passed glances between themselves and remained silent, knowing as they did that speaking of such things could cause the forces that brought them into being to behave in strange and unpredictable ways. Instead they made garlands of holly leaves and dried violets and hung them on their doors.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily herself remained in her room, staring out at the sea and trying not to look at her hands. From time to time she picked up the mirror her father had given her and gazed at her reflection. Again she saw the bones of a woman floating beneath the smooth surface of her cheeks and the curve of her lips, and she hated what she saw. She closed her eyes, willing the woman who carried such terrible power in her hands to die, leaving behind the girl who knew nothing of death. But each time she opened her eyes and saw that the woman was still there, growing stronger with each passing day.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>After three sleepless nights spent trying to drive the wild woman out of herself through sheer will, Lily decided instead that she would bury her. Leaving her room, she went to the kitchen, where she proceeded to make half a dozen pies, stuffing the shells to bursting with blackberries, peaches, apples, lemons, and pumpkin. She veiled them with sugar and painted them with egg whites and nutmeg, then baked them until the stove glowed and the entire house filled with the smell of burnt sweetness and bubbling fruit.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>While she waited for the pies to bake, she roasted pans of oysters and grilled chickens on spits, pulling them hot from the fire and eating them until juice ran down her face and her fingers were red from the heat. She grabbed handfuls of potatoes from the pot and soaked them in salted butter, and she ate greedily from a steaming pile of lobsters tumbled together on a plate like soldiers fallen in battle. She sucked meat from its bones and scattered the skeletons across the floor. </div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When she finished, she pulled the pies from the oven and ate them, still hot, with tall glasses of cool milk, spooning bite after bite into her seemingly bottomless throat. She felt her stomach swell within her as she savored the bitter skin of lemons and the wild joy of blackberries. She gobbled up peaches and scooped up drifts of soft apples wrapped in buttery crust, devouring whole pies in a matter of minutes and licking the crumbs from the tins.</div>
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<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>She ate for a night and a day, and when she was done she had added a new layer of fat over her bones. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw that the woman who had been half-hidden beneath her skin had been pushed back inside a little more deeply. Her cheeks were rounder, her face more that of an innocent child. She looked at her hands and felt the fat covering the fingers like thin gloves. She wondered if it would protect her from the magic, keeping it inside as wool kept out the cold of winter.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Through it all, her mother remained in her bedroom. She, too, had heard talk of Lily's gift. Only unlike the villagers, she was certain that she knew well its origins, and she had spent her time on her knees in prayer to a god the villagers had no use for, and in fact had never heard talk of. It was the god of her own childhood, and she found herself crying out to him to remove from Lily whatever evil had crept into her soul and corrupted her in such a hideous way as to make her every touch open up a portal to death.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>As she ate, Lily could hear mumbled words floating stillborn through the house, felt them trapped and smothered in the sweet-scented web of berried steam and roasted air before they could reach the ears of her mother's god. She had no idea what her mother was doing, and was thankful only that she remained in her room and left Lily to clothe herself in a new body. She knew that her father's death had changed something between herself and her mother, that her mother blamed her for what had happened. She knew her mother feared her in the same way she herself feared the woman moving about inside her skin, but she understood also that she would get no help in her fight.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>After a week, Lily had added twenty pounds to her frame. As she was looking at herself in the bathroom mirror and thinking that maybe she was beginning to win her battle, her mother opened the door and announced that they were leaving the village that evening. She told Lily to pack one bag and to be ready to go when dusk descended and made it possible to pass out of the village.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily had never left the village. Few had. And only one--her father--had ever returned. He had refused ever to speak about what he'd seen, and likewise demanded that his wife never talk of her life before coming to her new home. This she had done out of love for him, although over time it had made her bitter and afraid, and in the end she had hated him almost as much as she loved him. The village she had always feared, and now that her husband was dead and her daughter possessed of evil, she longed for escape.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Like most of the people who lived there, Lily had given little thought to what lay beyond the lands she knew. Now, faced with the thought of leaving, she found herself very afraid. She feared also the urgency she heard in her mother's voice, and the way in which her eyes stared past Lily's face as though looking at something looming dark and dangerous behind her.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> Still, she knew that leaving was what she had to do, not for her mother's sake, but for her own. She needed to run from the village and from the sea, away from the pull of its tides that drowned men and called women to throw themselves into the waves. She knew it was the tides that had summoned the blood from between her legs and woken the woman who fought even now to claw her way through muscle and bone to lay waste to Lily's world. The fat had done something to slow her emergence, but Lily could feel her still, the cold fingers working their way through knots of blood in a search for the door that would free her forever. Perhaps, she thought, running away from the sea would make the woman drowsy and lull her into a false sleep.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She packed quickly, filling a small bag with clothes. She put into it the hand mirror and the box with the shell, and then she was ready. She went downstairs and found her mother waiting. She too had packed almost nothing, choosing to leave behind that which belonged in the place she had been taken to by her husband. She had on the dress she had worn on the evening she'd arrived in the village, and a small hat perched on her head. Everything else remained in the house, which she left quickly and without looking back.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Once or twice as they walked down the lone road away from the village Lily saw her mother look back, as though expecting someone to be following them. But Lily knew that no one would try and stop them. People came and left the village by choice, not by force, and it was understood that no one who left ever spoke of its existence to anyone else. Even if they should, it would be impossible for someone not born into the village to find his way there.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>After half an hour, they came to the bridge that passed over the river that marked the village's easternmost edge. Surrounded as it was on the west, north, and south by the sea, the bridge provided the only way in or out of the village, not that many ever crossed it's wide wooden boards. Sometimes the children, filled with the flighty courage common to the very young, would dare one another to step foot on it, but none ever got more than a few feet onto its expanse before turning and running back to the safety of the rocks that sat at the entrance, where they stood with hearts beating, laughing at their own fear as they looked into the fine fog that perpetually covered the far side of the bridge, even on the finest summer day.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> As Lily and her mother approached the bridge, Lily's heart began to sing wildly in her chest. With darkness nipping at their heels, she knew that they must cross over quickly or risk doing business with whatever dark creatures wandered the borders at night. The fog swirled before her slowly, turning over and upon itself like a large grey cat rolling in the grass. She looked into its grizzled center and wondered where it would take her.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother started forward uneasily, her footsteps unsure as she tested the bridge, perhaps half afraid it would give way beneath her shoes. But it held, and soon they were approaching the veil of fog. Lily closed her eyes and allowed her mother to pull her into it. She felt the cool wet kiss of air around her as they passed through, and the sound of their feet became duller and somehow sadder.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Then it was over. When Lily opened her eyes again, she was standing on the other side of a bridge beneath a sky dark with night and lit by the thin breath of a moon that seemed smaller than the one that hung over the village. The air was warm, and she could not smell the sea. When she turned around, she saw that the bridge she had just crossed simply made a small jump over a trickling stream before continuing on down a dusty road.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Where are we?" she asked her mother. "Where is the village."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Quiet now," her mother said sharply. "There is no village. There never was. Now follow me."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother began walking down the road under stars, and Lily followed. She had no idea were she was or where they were going, and she wondered about the village. She wondered, too, if in crossing over the bridge she had left behind the woman she was trying to kill. She made her hands into fists, searching them for any signs of her presence, but she felt nothing but the comforting cushion of flesh plump with fat.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>They walked in silence for half an hour. Lily listened to the sounds of crickets in the fields on either side of the road and to the wind rustling the leaves over her head. While every now and again she would see the shape of something creep out of the tall weeds and peer at her for a moment before slipping back into the dark, she sensed that she had nothing to fear from anything that lived in the woods whose trees rose up into the sky beyond the seas of grass.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Rounding a turn in the road, Lily saw ahead of them the lights of a town. They shone electric and harsh over the fronts of houses, filling the air with a hard white glow that hurt Lily's eyes and made her blink. As they left the fields and woods behind and made for the streets lined with cars, she felt a strong desire to turn and run. Yet the hum of the electrical lines over her head drew her deeper in with their voices, and she found herself anxious to see what lay beyond the quite fronts of the buildings.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother walked down the main street as though she'd been reborn. "It's still the same," she said, her voice that of a little girl seeing her first circus. "It's just as I remember it the night we passed through."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Passed through?" Lily asked. "You mean when you came to the village with father?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother turned to her, her eyes dark. "I told you not to speak of the village," she said. "If anyone asks you, we're from Pilotsville."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily nodded, afraid to say anything that might make her mother angry. She didn't understand why the village should remain a secret any more than she understood why they were in the town, but she knew that it was important to not draw any more attention to herself than was necessary. The woman within her fed on attention, and if she was still there, waiting, Lily was determined to starve her into death.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother led her to the door of a building where a bright blue sign blinked like a startled child. good eats it said, bursting into indigo life and then dying again a moment later, only to be resurrected as Lily held her breath waiting to see if each time would be the last, marvelling when it was not. She peered in the windows and saw a room filled with tables. People sat at them, laughing and talking, and a woman wearing a red and white checked apron brought them plates of food.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily's mother pushed open the door and led Lily inside. To her surprise, no one looked up to stare at them, and the woman in the apron merely waved at them to take a table in a far corner. Lily sat on the red vinyl bench and slipped herself into the corner of the booth, where she could see everything in the room. The vinyl was hot and sticky against her legs, and she kicked her feet against the floor nervously as she looked around.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The people at the other tables looked much like the people in the village, but somehow smaller and less colorful, as though time had faded them in the way that repeated washings pulled the dye from cloth. Their faces showed the strain of wear, and they seemed tired despite their laughter. Still, their clothes were the clothes of working people, perhaps farmers, and that made Lily feel more at ease.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The woman in the apron approached the table and handed Lily and her mother each a piece of paper. "What can I get you to drink?" she asked.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily looked at her mother, unsure of what to say. "Water," her mother said, "and two orange sodas."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The woman left, and Lily looked at the piece of paper she'd been handed. Written all over it were the names of different kinds of foods, some of which she recognized and many of which she didn't. "What is this?" she asked her mother.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It's a menu," she said. "This is a restaurant, where people eat. Pick something from the menu and order it."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily had never heard of such a thing, but the idea of being able to eat what she liked appealed to her. She ran her eyes up and down the lists of foods, trying to decide what to have. When the waitress returned with their drinks, she was ready.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I'd like a hamburger," she said. She wasn't sure what it was, but it sounded good.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Do you want cheese on that?" the waitress asked.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily nodded.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"How about fries?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Again she nodded, although she couldn't imagine what the woman would bring her. She was thankful when the woman turned her attention to her mother.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I'll have a tuna sandwich," her mother said. "With lettuce, please."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The woman retreated, and Lily picked up the glass that had been set in front of her. It was filled with orange soda, and the tiny bubbles that ran up the side of the glass fascinated her. She brought the glass to her lips and sipped. Her throat filled with the tart taste of orange, followed almost immediately by a sickening sweetness and a rush of fizzy air that filled her nose and made her choke. She quickly put the glass down and took a swallow of water. Again she choked, this time because the water tasted dead to her.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"That's awful," she said, thankful at least to have the horrible sweet taste out of her mouth.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Things are different here," her mother said simply. "You'll get used to it. You'll have to."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily decided that the time was right for asking questions. "Where are we going?" she asked.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother's mouth was set in a firm line. "I don't know yet," she said.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Is this where you came from?" Lily said. "Before..."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"No," her mother interrupted. "I lived in a big city. Now don't ask anything else. Just remember that if anyone asks, we're from Pilotsville, and we're on our way to visit a friend."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The waitress returned carrying two plates. She set them on the table. "Enjoy," she said, smiling. Lily smiled back. Something about the simple way in which the woman moved through the room calmed her.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She picked up the hamburger and took a big bite. She expected it to make her gag, as the drink had, but she was surprised to find that she enjoyed the taste. She ate quickly, amazed to find that she was much hungrier than she thought. She picked up a fry and bit into it. Discovering that it was just a length of potato, she delighted in eating the pile on her plate. She couldn't imagine why anyone would want to take ordinary food and do such outlandish things to it, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Besides, she could feel the food adding to the stores of fat that suffocated the woman inside her.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> As she ate, Lily tried to listen to the conversations of people around her. The air was thick with voices, and it was hard to distinguish one from another, but sometimes she could pull a single thread of words from the tangle and make out what was being said. A few tables away, a man and woman were arguing, although no one looking at them could tell. The man was accusing the woman of being unfaithful to him, and she was denying it. Her voice flowed angry and hot on the air, and Lily could tell that she was lying even as she pleaded innocence and picked at her salad.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Near the door, a group of men were talking loudly. They seemed to be very happy, and accompanied their talk with much laughter. Their conversation centered around their work at a nearby factory, their wildly stupid boss, and their own unappreciated accomplishments. They appeared to be slightly drunk, and Lily found their behavior comforting in a way she did not entirely understand. Time and again she discovered herself staring at their round, reddened faces and laughing along with them.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Besides the men, the people she found herself watching most intently were a family seated across the room. A mother, father, and daughter sat eating quietly. The girl was about Lily's age, and several times she looked at Lily and smiled, as though their similarity in years made them friends without any other commonalities being necessary. In contrast to the rest of the diners, the family said very little. Despite their silence, Lily could tell by the way they passed things to one another that they loved each other very much. When the father took his napkin and unselfconsciously wiped something from his daughter's face, Lily felt tears begin to flow down her cheeks.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Stop that," her mother said. "People will stare."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily mopped at her face with her own napkin. "I miss him," she said. "Don't you?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother looked down. "He's gone," she said simply.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Even though she knew and feared the answer, Lily asked the question that she had been thinking since the afternoon of her father's death. "You think I killed him, don't you?"</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother was silent. Lily looked at the half-eaten sandwich on her plate, a row of jagged bread where her teeth had bitten into it. She wanted to snatch it up and hurl it against the wall, to startle her mother out of her silence. She wanted to tell her about the other woman, the woman who had really killed her father, using Lily's hands to do it. She wanted to tell her about how the woman had reached out to the villagers during the dance and fed on their deaths. She wanted her mother to open her arms and take her into them.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>But she also knew that it did not matter. The woman inside her slept, coaxed into a drowsy slumber by the lullaby of blood singing in Lily's veins as it beat beneath the layers of fat she had carefully wrought. Even now she felt the warmth of her meal spreading out like a blanket over the sleeping demon, pushing her deeper into hibernation. She picked at the few remaining scraps of food on her plate, thankful for every piece that added to her inner armor.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The waitress arrived again to take away the plates and glasses. As she reached over the table to gather up Lily's mother's unfinished sandwich, she placed a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Can I get you some dessert, honey? We have some nice chocolate cake."</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily couldn't answer, for the moment the woman's hand touched her, the sleeping woman within her awoke. Lily saw clearly the waitress bent across the counter near the door, a ragged hole gaping in her chest where a gunshot had tattered her skin and blown her heart into scarlet ribbons across the wall behind her. Her mouth was open in surprise, and she still clutched the pencil she carried in her left hand. Stray pieces of paper, bills from the cash register, whirled about her feet.</div>
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The woman's hand continued to rest on Lily's shoulder as she waited for a response. As long as it was there, the scene remained fixed in Lily's mind, as though her touch formed a conductor between her soul and Lily's sight like a lightning rod channeled the power of a storm into the ground. She was unable to breathe, yet she could think of no way to remove the woman's hand from her body and break the connection. She looked up into the smiling face while the image of violent death floated over her still-living features like a mask.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"No," Lily was finally able to whisper. "No, thank you."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Okay," the woman said cheerfully as the hole in her chest oozed blood onto the white expanse of the counter. "But it's not every day I make my chocolate cake. I'll just bring you the check."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>As soon as she removed her hand, Lily felt cool air fill her lungs again. She looked up and saw that her mother was staring at her strangely.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"It happened again, didn't it?" she said stonily.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily could only nod. Se felt ashamed that she had not been able to keep the creature inside her at bay. She had not done enough.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I thought maybe it was just that place," her mother said, as though speaking to herself. "I thought getting away would put an end to it."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"I'm sorry," Lily whispered. "I'm sorry."</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother said nothing more as she took the check when it came and paid with money that had remained in her purse untouched for more than thirteen years.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The bills unfolded like leaves, and the coins clinked gently as her mother dropped them onto the table. Lily wanted to ask what they were, and what their importance was, but she didn't dare open her mouth.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Her mother stood and put her hat on. She started to reach for Lily's hand, as if to pull her up, and then drew it back suddenly. "Come on," she said.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lily followed her out of the restaurant, taking one last glance at the family she had watched throughout her meal. The waitress was putting down two slices of rich cake on white plates before the daughter and the mother. One of the slices held a burning candle. As Lily watched, the daughter blew out the candle and took a bite of the cake. Then she pushed the plate toward her father. For a moment their hands touched, and Lily saw that the girl continued to beam with happiness. As Lily and her mother walked out of the restaurant into the shrill electric light, Lily heard the father's voice rise above the others.</div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Courier; font-size: 12px; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Happy birthday," he said as the door shut with a bang.</div>
Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-45725296483082270602010-05-03T19:58:00.000-07:002010-05-03T20:18:33.302-07:00Spawn of Bozo Issue #17: The Idiot Box Part II (The Whoniverse)Before we begin, kindly take a listen to the following bit of music. Listen to the whole thing. To make it really fun, close your eyes while you listen and imagine being around 5 or 6 years old, sitting in front of the television in your living room. It helps if the living room in which you're sitting is circa 1963, and in Great Britain, but it doesn't really matter. Just do your best.<br />
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For millions of Britons over the age of 50 or so, that theme brings back lots of memories. And not all of them are good. My friend Vicki recalls that hearing those first notes filled her with terror and sent her hiding under the kitchen table. Another friend, slightly braver, would huddle on the couch peering at the television from behind a blanket pulled over his head.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNzo76hCKA_BtvkdWYTyn0AT-2vKHX_cna44k2EBTbhUdMCmOb8vCIIfxNRf-xRjIoPxTZIuusGQEQrfTNZw8ubM1xJmcuYuQjj9iPZVwO-FfkOnoUmXI1wnju-Qd1EDEp7zvgp0LfLH0x/s1600/DoctorWho_DP_logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNzo76hCKA_BtvkdWYTyn0AT-2vKHX_cna44k2EBTbhUdMCmOb8vCIIfxNRf-xRjIoPxTZIuusGQEQrfTNZw8ubM1xJmcuYuQjj9iPZVwO-FfkOnoUmXI1wnju-Qd1EDEp7zvgp0LfLH0x/s200/DoctorWho_DP_logo.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>The show to which that theme belongs is <i>Doctor Who.</i> Launched in 1963 on the BBC, it ran uninterrupted until 1989 before taking a break and reappearing in 2005. It is still on the air today, and is as popular now as it was in its heyday.<br />
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In case you aren't familiar with <i>Doctor Who,</i> here is a tidy description courtesy of the invaluable Wikipedia:<br />
<blockquote>The program depicts the adventures of a mysterious, humanoid alien known as the Doctor who travels through time and space in his spacecraft, the TARDIS (an acronym for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space), which normally appears from the exterior to be a blue 1950s British police box. With his companions, he explores time and space, faces a variety of foes and rights wrongs.</blockquote>Doesn't it sound exciting? It is. Which is why <i>Doctor Who</i> is considered the most popular sci-fi television show of all time.<br />
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What makes <i>Doctor Who</i> especially fun is that the story lines are bizarre, the characters are odd, and the special effects are fabulously low budget (at least in the show's first run).<br />
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What has any of this to do with clowns? Let's get right to that. It is not surprising that clowns have made several memorable appearances on <i>Doctor Who.</i> Nor is it surprising that those clowns have been creepy.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGerHRYgFZ0rLt5Wey_1krhmpL-AeFRpSO2a0ZWW-7idJorbNQK297a_W9foN9JzXRpMZh7jrzKQbfTNws6Gwvqlcp0BTCq7Rna-YURvhOTERw8TyEIyz0jUoAOw_k0qvNcR4K4McIXWXN/s1600/the+celestial+toymaker+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGerHRYgFZ0rLt5Wey_1krhmpL-AeFRpSO2a0ZWW-7idJorbNQK297a_W9foN9JzXRpMZh7jrzKQbfTNws6Gwvqlcp0BTCq7Rna-YURvhOTERw8TyEIyz0jUoAOw_k0qvNcR4K4McIXWXN/s320/the+celestial+toymaker+cover.jpg" /></a></div>The first time Doctor Who encountered mischievous clowns was in 1966 in a story called "The Celestial Toymaker." I should tell you that most <i>Doctor Who</i> stories consist of several episodes, unlike traditional series that either have new, unrelated episodes each week or that carry one story line through an entire season.<br />
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"The Celestial Toymaker" consists of four parts: "The Celestial Toyroom," "The Hall of Dolls," "The Dancing Floor," and "The Final Test." Only "The Celestial Toyroom" features clowns prominently, but because I don't wish to leave you hanging I will tell you about the other three bits as well.<br />
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"The Celestial Toymaker" features actor William Hartnell as the Doctor. Hartnell was the First Doctor. There have been 11 Doctors to date, and it's a HUGE deal when a new one comes along. We'll talk about that in the next section. All you need to know about that right now is that William Hartnell was the First Doctor. And yes, the number is always capitalized. I didn't do that just for fun.<br />
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Something else you need to know is that quite a number of the early <i>Doctor Who</i> episodes have gone missing. This tragedy we can blame almost entirely on Equity, the actors' union, which limited the number of times a television show could be broadcast and the time span in which they could be shown at all. With either the broadcast limit reached or the time span run out, it was felt that there was no need to keep copies of the episodes and so they were erased to make room in the archives for newer programs. All in all, 108 out of 752 episodes are missing.<br />
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This is very sad.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgquIp38MfVEZ69gVZnqBj1qPlaA6UPbnNzElMQvV-Wvw38uQ5kOI4DcGcsP_2s3asHnrIG_34YhuJCeOdflVFZ65wPn49ZgjFjdenNsWRoTh1M7M9lQZvl6ntMdgAHM3s6FxnARBXw17eQ/s1600/mugabe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgquIp38MfVEZ69gVZnqBj1qPlaA6UPbnNzElMQvV-Wvw38uQ5kOI4DcGcsP_2s3asHnrIG_34YhuJCeOdflVFZ65wPn49ZgjFjdenNsWRoTh1M7M9lQZvl6ntMdgAHM3s6FxnARBXw17eQ/s320/mugabe.jpg" /></a></div>The good news is that a number of the lost episodes have been recovered, usually in the form of tapes that were sent to various foreign outlets for broadcast and later found in archives, desk drawers, or personal collections. Others have been unearthed at estate sales and in the attics of former BBC employees who had no idea what they were.<br />
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Most recently it was reported that a number of missing early episodes are believed to be in the possession of Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe, as the country (then Rhodesia) broadcast the first season of the series in its entirety. Unfortunately, Mugabe is not fond of the United Kingdom and has refused to let researchers look for the tapes in the country's television archives. Jackhole. That's Mugabe as a Dalek (the Doctor's oldest and most ruthless enemies) on the right. No, I didn't make it. I stole it from the <i>Sun.</i><br />
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I bring up the issue of the lost episodes because three of them are the first three episodes of "The Celestial Toymaker." But before you rend your garments in despair, let me tell you that all is not lost (See what I did there?) Production stills and audio recordings of the shows exist, and the enterprising folks at the BBC have pieced together some of the lost episodes so that we may once again enjoy them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWh3Yai6q4o_1mYuaTFYHH8EBFBxt6oOiCF6SfkvNxZ3cYk8T4VHTyamwJbwx3oSkW0T7Kz0KhpG2DkEju6_B0thKYgJLs9G-38qEhQc-PaqhgGmGeDeJcMOz1iw7YkaWKBiblXJkJhXME/s1600/radio_kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWh3Yai6q4o_1mYuaTFYHH8EBFBxt6oOiCF6SfkvNxZ3cYk8T4VHTyamwJbwx3oSkW0T7Kz0KhpG2DkEju6_B0thKYgJLs9G-38qEhQc-PaqhgGmGeDeJcMOz1iw7YkaWKBiblXJkJhXME/s320/radio_kids.jpg" /></a></div>This is a bit like listening to radio shows. For those of you too young to remember such things, radios were magic boxes that told stories. This is a picture of me and some of the other kids from the orphanage tuning in to <i>Doctor Who</i>.<br />
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Okay, it's not. But radio shows are still awesome. When I was a kid I had a whole series of records (you probably don't know what those are either) of a famous American radio show called <i>Let's Pretend.</i> It ran (under several different names) on CBS Radio from 1928 to 1954. Every week a group of voice actors presented a classic fairy tale. I know, it sounds boring. But it so wasn't. <br />
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In the 1970's a bunch of the <i>Let's Pretend</i> shows were issued on records and my mother got them for me. They had freaky cover illustrations that I loved, and I used to listen to them in my room on rainy days. This was totally awesome and so much better than playing video games or shooting smack.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSjdtaDi-_BQR9CmGvtojSw_JUgcKbTlIJ9qLUlrINLr9mEWSozylosXyn1E89JIzJjQbPBNnXaIY28qBLdUnBv9TJBLGGRviYJBqdIcXGf89EW66xVKxjETx2BlvALQH3nSxodKmJunN/s1600/TG116-JackAndTheBeanstalk-FaithfulJohn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSjdtaDi-_BQR9CmGvtojSw_JUgcKbTlIJ9qLUlrINLr9mEWSozylosXyn1E89JIzJjQbPBNnXaIY28qBLdUnBv9TJBLGGRviYJBqdIcXGf89EW66xVKxjETx2BlvALQH3nSxodKmJunN/s320/TG116-JackAndTheBeanstalk-FaithfulJohn.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>The <i>Let's Pretend</i> shows were mostly wonderful, but occasionally they freaked me out. The one that freaked me out the most was "Faithful John," which is about a king's servant who is so loyal that he allows himself to be turned to stone in order to save the king from death. It's all very gruesome and complicated, and the sound effects terrified me.<br />
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I know you will want to experience the terror for yourself, so here is the show in its entirety. And should you want to listen to more <i>Let's Pretend</i> episodes, you can find them <a href="http://www.artsreformation.com/records/">here.</a><br />
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Where were we? Right. The missing <i>Doctor Who</i> episodes that have been reconstructed are rather like episodes of <i>Let's Pretend.</i> We hear the audio played over still images, with occasional stage directions thrown in to let us know that, say, the Doctor has run away from one of the clowns who is chasing him with a cleaver.<br />
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Okay, that never happens. But there <i>are</i> stage directions from time to time.<br />
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Now that you have some idea of what watching "The Celestial Toymaker" is like, we can begin.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjit2umvkaPMa8T24a0Aq7vR5y-jU_71NU5pMyrRzuEgia5um1oBFdCGX1aMVXrb3nQUK23lY1FI2Ti3fC_xYjZGycZf3jOdcH57POB1G-ra1itlaciQ1QxpGU21HIcu7Oqxi6QFzHRJu-W/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23595.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjit2umvkaPMa8T24a0Aq7vR5y-jU_71NU5pMyrRzuEgia5um1oBFdCGX1aMVXrb3nQUK23lY1FI2Ti3fC_xYjZGycZf3jOdcH57POB1G-ra1itlaciQ1QxpGU21HIcu7Oqxi6QFzHRJu-W/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23595.jpg" /></a></div>Part 1 ("The Celestial Toyroom") opens with the Doctor in the TARDIS with his companions Steven and Dodo. The Doctor always travels with one or more companions. Usually they're pretty women or handsome men. In this case, one of those things is true. I'll let you decide which one. Here is a picture of Steven, Dodo, and the Doctor.<br />
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For some reason the Doctor becomes invisible, fading in and out for no apparent reason. This is distressing to Dodo, primarily because she is an overly-anxious person and needs a slap. It is also very handy, as the producers and Hartnell were apparently quarreling over something and they were looking for a clever way to get rid of him if need be.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItORo-nBAx2GSmb-oCLhJKxRB0Pv3sL9_oi8mXAJz_FuGNsI9Uj8hsv4-ucrUYwM0UNAVVnqH_2nfgOacnIxwe7W5GwPQ_Ob0Ir3mLsN_MgyE3CJx8xfQxZsvPJ-Ma5eEK-f4CFzPBTBY/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23506.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItORo-nBAx2GSmb-oCLhJKxRB0Pv3sL9_oi8mXAJz_FuGNsI9Uj8hsv4-ucrUYwM0UNAVVnqH_2nfgOacnIxwe7W5GwPQ_Ob0Ir3mLsN_MgyE3CJx8xfQxZsvPJ-Ma5eEK-f4CFzPBTBY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23506.jpg" /></a></div>At any rate, he's going invisible. Then the TARDIS materializes in the court of the Celestial Toymaker, who apparently is an old enemy of the Doctor. He dresses like he's starring in a community theater production of <i>The Mikado,</i> and even though he looks like Timothy Dalton he isn't he's Michael Gough, who you might be more familiar with from his role as Alfred the butler in the Batman movies.<br />
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The Toymaker starts things off by taking two clown dolls out of a big dollhouse he has in his room. Magically, the clown dolls grow into life-size clowns, which is creepy. One of them is a boy clown named Joey and the other is a girl clown named Clara. These are very good clown names, and fit them well.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqaPslrUu3J-anl7NaqFZqvuAqsQM5spgip-lMqE1Cjy53QOMsjrcbvYTsvo_hDfZNdu1HdpggX-SYnxCzCWXm4YYcD1PBVSptTof_KLDzzoBONzdU8lHC87tPKmReEybMaOhkusYrOO7/s1600/toymaker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqaPslrUu3J-anl7NaqFZqvuAqsQM5spgip-lMqE1Cjy53QOMsjrcbvYTsvo_hDfZNdu1HdpggX-SYnxCzCWXm4YYcD1PBVSptTof_KLDzzoBONzdU8lHC87tPKmReEybMaOhkusYrOO7/s320/toymaker.jpg" /></a></div>This is what Joey and Clara look like. This is one of the few color stills in existence, so enjoy it.<br />
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The gist of "The Celestial Toymaker" is that the Toymaker has set up two challenges--one for the Doctor and one for Steven and Dodo. The Doctor's challenge is to complete a logic game in which he has to move a set of pieces from one part of a board to another without ever putting a larger piece on top of a smaller piece. It's called the Trilogic Game, and it's one of those puzzles designed to test your ability to problem solve, much like the one where you have to get a missionary and two cannibals across a river one at a time without the missionary getting eaten.<br />
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Steven and Dodo's challenge is more physical. They have to win a series of games. Each time they win they will be presented with a TARDIS. It may or may not be the <i>real</i> TARDIS, and if it isn't real then they have to play another game until they find the real one. And they have to do all of this before the Doctor completes his logic puzzle. If he finishes before they do--or if he loses--everyone dies. <br />
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Got it? Good.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSxwnPiWfsIDBSgPKoHKeLSIJRqNJMniiBd4X_6mvqJMhE8IQZDnuMzIhbJulL-1YaSrsq4RlelZXsU5TziVREnkUkTnBoLT0xrUxJWOlUdIVR6CPl42zX7AC3HJQAK6WRLs-n-3nPcZwX/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23536.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSxwnPiWfsIDBSgPKoHKeLSIJRqNJMniiBd4X_6mvqJMhE8IQZDnuMzIhbJulL-1YaSrsq4RlelZXsU5TziVREnkUkTnBoLT0xrUxJWOlUdIVR6CPl42zX7AC3HJQAK6WRLs-n-3nPcZwX/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23536.jpg" /></a></div>While the Doctor moves his pieces around, Steven and Dodo watch as the clowns set up an obstacle course. The object of the game is for one partner to maneuver his or her blindfolded partner through the obstacle course by yelling out instructions. They have to jump over things and climb things and swing on ropes. It's all very Marine Corp boot camp-ish.<br />
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The clowns do very well at the game, with Clara calling out directions to Joey, who sails through with flying colors. But when it's Steven's turn to give it a go, he has a hell of a time. The clowns declare victory, and for a moment it seems things have ended poorly for our heroes.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTkrpFDKiy3E8zEmOV-vghfHonxqpyE2bZ8wLIE4ebxjtO309owGMRW1_UqC7quCtmbEt2u5LymzjfL9NpOHDJSwaqXZdhkv1X5vENrKPTtzGf85lOjRC8FuuK1daNIaTQlwXJIk05g7EE/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23539.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTkrpFDKiy3E8zEmOV-vghfHonxqpyE2bZ8wLIE4ebxjtO309owGMRW1_UqC7quCtmbEt2u5LymzjfL9NpOHDJSwaqXZdhkv1X5vENrKPTtzGf85lOjRC8FuuK1daNIaTQlwXJIk05g7EE/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23539.jpg" /></a></div>Then Dodo realizes that Clara and Joey have been cheating, which anyone who knows anything about clowns could have told you would happen. She throws a fit and insists they start over. Clara responds by pulling a boiled egg out of her hair.<br />
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Actually, that might have happened earlier. I forget now. But it's worth noting.<br />
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Anyway, the game begins again and eventually Steven and Dodo win. Clara and Joey turn back into dolls and a TARDIS appears but it isn't the real one and so things continue.<br />
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Because this blog is about clowns I won't go into too much detail about what happens in Parts 2 - 4 of "The Celestial Toymaker." But as you've invested some time in it, you deserve to know how it ends.<br />
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In Part 2 ("The Hall of Dolls") Steven and Dodo are shown a set of seven chairs, each one different. They're told that six of the chairs are deadly and one is safe. They don't really know what this means, but they're about to find out.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyQd9kqo0BnoPJvvXOJUk9xPWhO19KpcbjXDOqKLTMZawXenAR9YXN0lQzdQeEHpIRhoZ7nvyyRLlKpFaVcCQXqrlqsLDYHzPXLNO_1cI2Bkw5ZzCdP3Rhe3ploq4K_iwKzMeYw5zlzHT/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23542.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyQd9kqo0BnoPJvvXOJUk9xPWhO19KpcbjXDOqKLTMZawXenAR9YXN0lQzdQeEHpIRhoZ7nvyyRLlKpFaVcCQXqrlqsLDYHzPXLNO_1cI2Bkw5ZzCdP3Rhe3ploq4K_iwKzMeYw5zlzHT/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23542.jpg" /></a></div>Also playing the game are a King and Queen from a suit of cards. Why? Because it's weird, that's why. The Joker is playing too, and because jokers are a kind of clown I am including him. <br />
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Here he is. Creepy. There's a Knave as well, but he doesn't do much so forget about him.<br />
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Everyone tries to get everyone else to sit in the chairs and die, which is all very thrilling. Each chair does something different, but frankly it was all a little tiresome and I don't remember which one did what. I do recall that the King and Queen try to get the Joker to sit in one of the chairs, but he knows they're a couple of lying sneaky-snakes and he says no.<br />
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Eventually there are only two chairs left and Dodo decides she has to sit in one of them to see which one is the safe one. She has a 50/50 chance, but things take a turn for the worse when she sits in her chosen chair and freezes.<br />
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Now something happens that doesn't sit well with me. She's supposed to be dead. I mean, everyone else who sat in a chair died, or at least disappeared or turned into a doll or whatever. Fair's fair, and if you ask me that should be the end of Dodo.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidB9yeBk5-_AeA_IRAkdbU6Y18oRvELbLSmRlLUcA1M45hnbeSM8s4m3X0dUIKMFRSDzySdrYYAuvvr4DubSd1jgKaddcrF7Qu86RM177TXt8mfxdFK1kVXXF-7aeRbvsfZxhI9H713xwe/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23551.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidB9yeBk5-_AeA_IRAkdbU6Y18oRvELbLSmRlLUcA1M45hnbeSM8s4m3X0dUIKMFRSDzySdrYYAuvvr4DubSd1jgKaddcrF7Qu86RM177TXt8mfxdFK1kVXXF-7aeRbvsfZxhI9H713xwe/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23551.jpg" /></a></div>But it isn't.<br />
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Totally flauting the rules of the game, Steven goes all he-man and pulls Dodo out of the chair, saving her. That's nice for her and everything, but I hate it when people in stories get to bend the laws simply because they want to.<br />
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Anyway, now they know which chair is the safe one and Steven sits in it. Another TARDIS appears and of course it's not the real one either, which is not really all that shocking because we know there are two more episodes to go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiArGb_JyyZUpbptBHEpUM8C3PFA1JyqLGWp3wEdWgd0vzU0i50S4sArsBa9LtUf76lY_ygQJ-lc0EXfo_x3dZWeXaVHcJW4EylZ-Ko7XufyFRKuCzSLVdmNMDedCAsCb2X_S01zlXYNGWp/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23556.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiArGb_JyyZUpbptBHEpUM8C3PFA1JyqLGWp3wEdWgd0vzU0i50S4sArsBa9LtUf76lY_ygQJ-lc0EXfo_x3dZWeXaVHcJW4EylZ-Ko7XufyFRKuCzSLVdmNMDedCAsCb2X_S01zlXYNGWp/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23556.jpg" /></a></div>That brings us to Part 3 ("The Dancing Floor"). Even though there are no clowns in it, this is the most entertaining episode, mostly because it's completely stupid. Steven and Dodo find themselves in the kitchen of the dollhouse, where they encounter a solider (Sgt. Rugg) and a cook (Mrs. Wiggs).<br />
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Sgt. Rugg and Mrs. Wiggs challenge Steven and Dodo to a game in which they try to find a key hidden somewhere in the kitchen. This results in everyone throwing things around and breaking dishes and so on, until eventually Dodo finds the key hidden in a pie and she and Steven use it to go through a locked door into another room, where they find three ballerina dolls waiting for them. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT5EizChyphenhyphenUWdVslyy2weHUdhxGL49MeHb4x4BRIMpCHg99XDZ6w_KWaqYsYm7AKxF5ZDg-xWgrZ8GUe7f04hdiGh3_W_eJAl8Gu-Qrt_HNaD5r5NqZpiJtcTA4trp0gYhsQ7f3TRFOjH5w/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23554.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT5EizChyphenhyphenUWdVslyy2weHUdhxGL49MeHb4x4BRIMpCHg99XDZ6w_KWaqYsYm7AKxF5ZDg-xWgrZ8GUe7f04hdiGh3_W_eJAl8Gu-Qrt_HNaD5r5NqZpiJtcTA4trp0gYhsQ7f3TRFOjH5w/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23554.jpg" /></a></div>The next bit involves Steven and Dodo having to dance through the ballerinas before getting basically hugged to death by them. This part is not worth going into, so suffice it to say that Steven and Dodo manage this quite easily by first dancing with the dolls and then switching partners so that they're dancing with each other and yes I know that sounds lame and it is. <br />
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And there's another fake TARDIS, which brings us to Part 4 and the end.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzrXa6zgemx9W76lv-JX8N5ktY1FVkG1UJ25edNRMIqajjX2XjN5-0jHbu6sqYCOHSAWXwOCyh4IGYpoZn5AxDKxhwjF7LHzbu4-WU0K5m7hjW_6FWo6mTA_xsSz-GinHuwVJszB1h7uWY/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23568.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzrXa6zgemx9W76lv-JX8N5ktY1FVkG1UJ25edNRMIqajjX2XjN5-0jHbu6sqYCOHSAWXwOCyh4IGYpoZn5AxDKxhwjF7LHzbu4-WU0K5m7hjW_6FWo6mTA_xsSz-GinHuwVJszB1h7uWY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23568.jpg" /></a></div>Part 4 ("The Final Test") is the only surviving part of "The Celestial Toymaker." Frankly, though, after enjoying the first three parts as more or less radio broadcasts, watching the fourth part is kind of a letdown.<br />
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But watch we do. "The Final Test" features a weird schoolboy named Cyril, who is even weirder because he's played by a grown man.<br />
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Cyril challenges Steven and Dodo to what is essentially a dice game. A player rolls a die and advances that many squares. Whoever reaches the end first wins.<br />
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Normally this would be very dull, but things are livened up a bit by the fact that the spaces between the squares are electrified, and if you fall off you die.<br />
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And naturally Cyril is a cheater. But his naughtiness comes back to haunt him when he's tripped up by one of his own booby traps and falls off the board, electrocuting himself and ending up looking like this.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcaeSyRwLqWbSpfNg1ybC1skOEHTWKievXtZiVpQc0BIO42cTeVrFmrpKbU-XNf2WKg4OnG7D9BqowPmgIQLmsZHX4HyTNcOB-fHLgZSvUpFQdd1uU7S9OXRm_ybJGH_vKDLvBXGkfpe14/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23580.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcaeSyRwLqWbSpfNg1ybC1skOEHTWKievXtZiVpQc0BIO42cTeVrFmrpKbU-XNf2WKg4OnG7D9BqowPmgIQLmsZHX4HyTNcOB-fHLgZSvUpFQdd1uU7S9OXRm_ybJGH_vKDLvBXGkfpe14/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23580.jpg" /></a></div>So the game is over, the Doctor has completed his puzzle, and everyone is reunited. Only the Toymaker isn't about to let them get away, and the Doctor is forced to use cunning to outsmart him. This involves impersonating the Toymaker's voice and doing some other stuff that causes the Toymaker's world to disappear. But Steven and Dodo and the Doctor are safe inside the TARDIS when this happens, so they're fine.<br />
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I wish Clara and Joey had been in more of "The Celestial Toymaker." They're weirdly appealing, as if you know they're filled with evil but you still want them to hang around because they make you laugh.<br />
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Now skip ahead 22 years to 1988. No one knows it yet, but <i>Doctor Who</i> will be ending its historic run in a little under a year. In the meantime the Doctor has regenerated six times. Say what? See, the Doctor doesn't die. But eventually he becomes worn out and his body regenerates into a new one. This also conveniently happens whenever an actor playing the Doctor decides he's had enough or the BBC decides he's had enough.<br />
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<div style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 5px 0pt;"><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,18,0" width="295" height="240" id="divflv"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11222541-758&new_design=true" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11222541-758&new_design=true" width="295" height="240" name="divflv" allowfullscreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object></div>This is what regeneration looks like. In this case the Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker) regenerates into the Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy). Baker had been fired from the show, so the figure on the floor of the TARDIS is actually McCoy in a very bad wig.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbxZm7E9lV5S9NALtz4iuWWK40obaXGFmN49pd0DEfobQ859vNi211t4M5Dy28eQkzkmUU9ulWotfe8zAUYvqGvpZJtkq7h0VwAGghWIRQZ8f9kbXqsst6KKLFF9rssffzRSMIWc_JjV7R/s1600/sylvester_mccoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbxZm7E9lV5S9NALtz4iuWWK40obaXGFmN49pd0DEfobQ859vNi211t4M5Dy28eQkzkmUU9ulWotfe8zAUYvqGvpZJtkq7h0VwAGghWIRQZ8f9kbXqsst6KKLFF9rssffzRSMIWc_JjV7R/s200/sylvester_mccoy.jpg" width="170" /></a>Sylvester McCoy, is a very different Doctor than was William Hartnell. For one thing, he's in color. For another, he carries an umbrella the handle of which is shaped like a question mark.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgehiTcEjJMpErbwFwm42P1wipTy7iJpnt9_Dqv7AkjdrjRCVccRYDja_lFRj6jZ6bs_0mlNch7aLaYKBCLZkEmbCaz9grZQKFAHs3yHz-EPh90iO2AX5Tr_wv13NteCmIjxLvundCrvPO9/s1600/Ace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgehiTcEjJMpErbwFwm42P1wipTy7iJpnt9_Dqv7AkjdrjRCVccRYDja_lFRj6jZ6bs_0mlNch7aLaYKBCLZkEmbCaz9grZQKFAHs3yHz-EPh90iO2AX5Tr_wv13NteCmIjxLvundCrvPO9/s200/Ace.jpg" width="143" /></a> The Doctor's current companion is a girl called Ace. That's her on the left there. As you might gather, she's a little bit butch. She loves to fix things, and she never met a bomber jacket she didn't like. She's also one of the most popular companions.<br />
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The episode we're interested in is called "The Greatest Show in the Galaxy." It centers around the Psychic Circus, which as its name suggests is a thrilling attraction located on the planet Saganax. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVsBfu5XkVf276ROG9DqJae2bb9-6GZUlUlJ_PDbgEJhrziky2P0WNHXiq8aR6sBFLeDADPS-2Ba2Ba3znipNqwncLzcrpUVBo4-79iImK3mw931M3v_umjEBKAh4NTuxeY2NAwtQJ8Noc/s1600/the+greatest+show+in+the+galaxy+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVsBfu5XkVf276ROG9DqJae2bb9-6GZUlUlJ_PDbgEJhrziky2P0WNHXiq8aR6sBFLeDADPS-2Ba2Ba3znipNqwncLzcrpUVBo4-79iImK3mw931M3v_umjEBKAh4NTuxeY2NAwtQJ8Noc/s320/the+greatest+show+in+the+galaxy+cover.jpg" width="176" /></a></div>The Doctor and Ace are toddling about the universe in the TARDIS when they receive a piece of junk mail (in the form of an adorable little robot) inviting them to come see the Psychic Circus. As they have nothing else to do, the Doctor thinks this will be enormously fun. Ace--who announces that she hates circuses, and especially clowns, isn't so keen on it. But of course she goes.<br />
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I should tell you that the planet Saganax is very dusty. As in it's a desert. Which means that there's sand blowing around all the time. You'll be able to see as much in the pictures taken from the show. Sorry about that.<br />
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All right, so the Doctor and Ace decide to go to the circus. In the meantime, a couple of people are trying to get <i>away</i> from the circus. Their names are Bellboy and Flowerchild. Yes, that's what I said. Bellboy is dressed like a, well, bellboy and Flowerchild is dressed like a [fill in the blank].<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTzK73HTf1RBzeAjl8Fadl99w4eUzY1pq_ejR4zQje3PXXaqgMHhkDZiyBOIKFCIiZLDeTlmarkpUXXx2vo-LvxtXZGIrsxafmhI3I9OGPt7IRpvdKFNdX3osIbcsl2U4cE23s7ElLyYD0/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23607.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTzK73HTf1RBzeAjl8Fadl99w4eUzY1pq_ejR4zQje3PXXaqgMHhkDZiyBOIKFCIiZLDeTlmarkpUXXx2vo-LvxtXZGIrsxafmhI3I9OGPt7IRpvdKFNdX3osIbcsl2U4cE23s7ElLyYD0/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23607.jpg" /></a></div>That's right. When we see them they look very tired, as if they've been running for some time. We don't know why, and we don't know where they're going, but it's all terribly dramatic.<br />
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It will be a while before we know where they're trying to go, but in the meantime we find out who's chasing them.<br />
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This is who.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisyLNJR12XzUfj-qMH4bZdvtIVzHf4Vj6ky1t6sBB-2Ul1QD-qb4wta8qtlyc1shK5BPpTqwNVxvryZWfMNGuYLHBN3D9919SUbLbtRJlTXQNXgnsChUd8r8umOmJgEs5JIcXNYXFSZwwc/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23622.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisyLNJR12XzUfj-qMH4bZdvtIVzHf4Vj6ky1t6sBB-2Ul1QD-qb4wta8qtlyc1shK5BPpTqwNVxvryZWfMNGuYLHBN3D9919SUbLbtRJlTXQNXgnsChUd8r8umOmJgEs5JIcXNYXFSZwwc/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23622.jpg" /></a></div>Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!<br />
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Seriously, how creepy is that? Clowns in a limo. No wonder Bellboy and Flowerchild are running. Who wouldn't?<br />
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Oh, and there are these kites flying around with eyes painted on them, and apparently the kites can see you and tell the clowns where you are. So yeah, it <i>can</i> get worse.<br />
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Bellboy and Flowerchild split up, and Bellboy is shortly thereafter captured by the clowns. They want to know where Flowerchild is, and he mumbles something unintelligible in reply and one of the clowns is all, "For her sake I hope she didn't" and we have no idea what they're talking about.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKWg0GMawdG9Rk4saiL6lkkKaiR4GtJ-wW4HJ6IscH43axmfLuBbpaWPyAtLGAAJDQMCCQb2pXuWrA-Md0g8kvoPzXB2LLR5uhbNKGVI6U6Yjw83MWKxNmgGBHZsps2HwsTJ9fvsAZ64to/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23613.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKWg0GMawdG9Rk4saiL6lkkKaiR4GtJ-wW4HJ6IscH43axmfLuBbpaWPyAtLGAAJDQMCCQb2pXuWrA-Md0g8kvoPzXB2LLR5uhbNKGVI6U6Yjw83MWKxNmgGBHZsps2HwsTJ9fvsAZ64to/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23613.jpg" /></a></div>Now the Doctor and Ace land on Saganax and run into a person selling fruit. I say <i>person</i> because for the longest time I thought it was an ugly man in drag, which British people seem to think is absolutely hysterical (See: <i>Benny Hill</i> and the plays of Shakespeare). Here's a picture.<br />
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Am I wrong to have wondered?<br />
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The fruit woman is very opinionated, and she tells the Doctor that she's tired of all the riffraff coming to see the Psychic Circus. The Doctor and Ace eat some nasty looking fruit to convince her that they're good churchgoing folk, and then a man drives up on a motorcycle and he's wearing a headpiece almost exactly like the one Cher wears on the cover of her <i>Take Me Home</i> album.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMmW9nOvavIrQZN6ulFn8dn_f3sy7NG43axEmbY39uXF07EBu164xbUuNKFHq5AhZZfJg0JGloIn4mFJ0x_qXS-g3mnq5o4BRVkMNd_Mm0ZdKMmCsf6bcheCUnGE8cwiI9J_0vBqoztD74/s1600/take-me-home.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMmW9nOvavIrQZN6ulFn8dn_f3sy7NG43axEmbY39uXF07EBu164xbUuNKFHq5AhZZfJg0JGloIn4mFJ0x_qXS-g3mnq5o4BRVkMNd_Mm0ZdKMmCsf6bcheCUnGE8cwiI9J_0vBqoztD74/s400/take-me-home.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Again, am I wrong? No, I am not. They could be twins.<br />
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The biker's name is Nord. Just Nord. Which is something else he has in common with Cher. Unlike Cher, however, he's not very nice. When the Doctor asks him for some directions he responds with, "Get lost, or I'll do something horrible to your ears."<br />
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Then he heads off to the Psychic Circus.<br />
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Meanwhile, Flowerchild has arrived at what appears to Furthur, the bus Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters drove across America in 1964 when they tried to get everyone to drop acid. It's painted all over with peace signs and happy children and birds or whatever.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii5HM5i0g1-h8dqR8VCdVgq6Xz8O8CetOW16EhaNzC2ixmAJh_2OqMMYtdISgLMw0X2AYa8D8wmqY6jz5IHalDXnn3E6z52cuyZiDmeqlJbN7SC0vF_pzTiSOWAFIQpsibqHdO0DvuF1xJ/s1600/bus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii5HM5i0g1-h8dqR8VCdVgq6Xz8O8CetOW16EhaNzC2ixmAJh_2OqMMYtdISgLMw0X2AYa8D8wmqY6jz5IHalDXnn3E6z52cuyZiDmeqlJbN7SC0vF_pzTiSOWAFIQpsibqHdO0DvuF1xJ/s320/bus.jpg" /></a><br />
Here are the two buses. Furthur is on the top. I know, you can't really see the other bus. Remember the dust? Right. But trust me, they look <i>exactly</i> alike. Well, close enough.<br />
<br />
Flowerchild goes into the bus and comes back out with a box, which seems to make her really, really excited. Unfortunately for her, she gets killed about five seconds later when someone comes up behind her and <br />
squashes her. Oh, and she loses an earring.<br />
<br />
Since Nord/Cher was no help, the Doctor and Ace decide to walk the rest of the way to the Psychic Circus. They chat a bit, and the Doctor mentions offhand that he senses something evil, and then the clowns in the limo almost run them over. So he was right.<br />
<br />
When they come around the bend the Doctor and Ace are surprised to see a man who looks to be some kind of explorer. Which he is. His name is Captain Cook, and he's tramped far and wide across the galaxy.<br />
<br />
So what is he doing on Saganax? Just hanging out.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy1U-vFeAMJidKlMpR1Y0DjkxNgA_pBw2B_Gc7vIX1lt_f1ez8T-2bRn2xkcwtkf6Ke_nGyi6wQ_ZmRC-AFsER4XEVmkyDTqurusftNm8JXcb7KsWO-LZOdlr8XzGfL5xiUfw1UcwYCAlH/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23634.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy1U-vFeAMJidKlMpR1Y0DjkxNgA_pBw2B_Gc7vIX1lt_f1ez8T-2bRn2xkcwtkf6Ke_nGyi6wQ_ZmRC-AFsER4XEVmkyDTqurusftNm8JXcb7KsWO-LZOdlr8XzGfL5xiUfw1UcwYCAlH/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23634.jpg" /></a></div>Hanging out with him is a woman called Mags. She's a wee bit odd looking, which you totally can't see in this picture. But there are better ones coming.<br />
<br />
The Doctor and Captain Cook sit down to have some tea and chat while Mags and Ace dig in the sand. Mags has uncovered something large, which we discover is a robot when it comes to life and almost kills her. This is very invigorating and suggests that Things Are Beginning to Happen.<br />
<br />
Eventually they all agree to travel on together and start walking. Eventually they come across the magic bus and of course decide to go inside. There's nothing terribly interesting there, but all of a sudden we hear an odd voice say, "Tickets, please." Then a robot conductor emerges from the rear of the bus in a menacing way and we realize that it was he who throttled Flowerchild.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ytW2D0uNl-B17cvcueiUk5f8Fbn_PwNkXyN1-EpbIc6WTKp2bJaBxr_GgvjSdvPuVIHbdaG9IuzBUrhl1T7_qmhWbVfrde1aXnhN9epnsc7xm7wLkSAxntanLL7bujjkE1L7umAl11qQ/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23625.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ytW2D0uNl-B17cvcueiUk5f8Fbn_PwNkXyN1-EpbIc6WTKp2bJaBxr_GgvjSdvPuVIHbdaG9IuzBUrhl1T7_qmhWbVfrde1aXnhN9epnsc7xm7wLkSAxntanLL7bujjkE1L7umAl11qQ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23625.jpg" /></a></div>Here he is. He's kind of jolly, really, and would be nice to have around if he wasn't, you know, murderous. He advances on the hapless group, singling out the Doctor. But just as he's about to do some damage the Doctor stops him by requesting a ticket.<br />
<br />
This is very entertaining. Fortunately for you I have provided a lovely video clip below so that you might experience it for yourself. See if you can figure out exactly what kind of ticket the Doctor orders.<br />
<br />
<div style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 5px 0pt;"><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,18,0" height="240" id="fullscreen" width="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11222810-837&new_design=true" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11222810-837&new_design=true" width="295" height="240" name="fullscreen" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object></div>Did you get it? Here it is: "I'd like a there and back off-peak weekend rate super saver senior citizen bi-monthly season with optional luggage facilities, a free cup of coffee in a plastic glass, a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy you pathetic moron."<br />
<br />
The request overloads the conductor's circuitry and everyone escapes. Then Ace finds the earring Flowerchild dropped and pins it to her jacket like one of those jackdaws that collects shiny things for its nest in order to attract a mate. And now for some reason that I can't remember because I watched this like a month ago, Captain Cook and Mags go off on their own in a Jeep to find the Psychic Circus and the Doctor and Ace are left to walk there.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kyxbuXbm_hSBeSFczvIOcEIbHEBapDOXc5p9AAWZ6dMqF7dIUT5QR1L4mdgSYbu9hMGc2HmwhHcJOCXCWUCL4A85cNK2AhExA6ggVboATMoSX_SFuzHwZWfV5HfKlnbxiKbNJlPeoneC/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23646.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kyxbuXbm_hSBeSFczvIOcEIbHEBapDOXc5p9AAWZ6dMqF7dIUT5QR1L4mdgSYbu9hMGc2HmwhHcJOCXCWUCL4A85cNK2AhExA6ggVboATMoSX_SFuzHwZWfV5HfKlnbxiKbNJlPeoneC/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23646.jpg" /></a></div>Now another character is introduced. His name is Whizz Kid. He's a nerdy teenage boy who has come all across the galaxy to see the Psychic Circus. He arrives on a bicycle looking like this.<br />
<br />
The actor playing Whizz Kid is Gian Sammarco. In 1988 he was fresh off of starring in the Adrian Mole movies based on the popular novels by Sue Townsend. He seemed poised to be Daniel Radcliffe two years before Radcliffe was even born.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsPL1Rmi9wcFJL1saKrUPQ3NYzXrew3AaCse7AngSb1YNXTT71q3yYFZvwBUEBz_vcq2rNiezK22WC2lrjNl8MRivO2_V4nbI_iKmRx1khimDlx5DHNYg-lqVfS7T4TBDX_coZHD6lv1Jx/s1600/adrianmole270101_100x228.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsPL1Rmi9wcFJL1saKrUPQ3NYzXrew3AaCse7AngSb1YNXTT71q3yYFZvwBUEBz_vcq2rNiezK22WC2lrjNl8MRivO2_V4nbI_iKmRx1khimDlx5DHNYg-lqVfS7T4TBDX_coZHD6lv1Jx/s320/adrianmole270101_100x228.jpg" width="146" /></a>This is Gian in 2001, the last time anyone photographed him. He gave up acting in 1990 and went to school to become a psychiatric nurse. Presumably he still is.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying that working with clowns on <i>Doctor Who</i> did him in or anything. But I'm also not saying it <i>didn't.</i><br />
<br />
Anyway, the Whizz Kid is now in the picture. He doesn't have much to do with this story, and I bring him up only because . . . well, I don't know why really except that I feel a bit sad for him now being a shuffly-hidey kind of person.<br />
<br />
Here's all you really need to know--the Psychic Circus is not a fun place. Yes, there are clowns. A lot of clowns. And there's a Ringmaster, who delivers all of his speeches in rap. With an American accent. And he's black.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBXLllY3R4EsRFekRC2bxQw24qL_ZATZXGxKbbFyb245xQ2-SYzbTfOzSlMD78vnc4OhJK0IBv7jOC6ttCShPo0vfMR3u4JtFBMcNQGqxxJl3fSLK-_ccLKxvaRTys6e2Ic-Tq0Afr_QFe/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23664.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBXLllY3R4EsRFekRC2bxQw24qL_ZATZXGxKbbFyb245xQ2-SYzbTfOzSlMD78vnc4OhJK0IBv7jOC6ttCShPo0vfMR3u4JtFBMcNQGqxxJl3fSLK-_ccLKxvaRTys6e2Ic-Tq0Afr_QFe/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23664.jpg" /></a></div>I'm not sure what the writers were trying to say with this. I probably don't want to know. <br />
<br />
Whatever it is, the Ringmaster is bad news. See, when he brings you into the ring you're expected to perform. And just who are you performing for?<br />
<br />
This family. Just them. There's no one else in the tent. And after you perform they score you.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinIeoXjKOKL48gi4GXvumgiGu0tzWsANL7EFsFK_0Rsytj2fTLegN6hoCxfoj8PBW3-mOD0jt07quT-ny1Aj47Ep1xEDgZVzI1NdV8fqjBhXmzb67t2R_d2RwH7tc5N3BQCGE9ooYnvnC2/s1600/family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinIeoXjKOKL48gi4GXvumgiGu0tzWsANL7EFsFK_0Rsytj2fTLegN6hoCxfoj8PBW3-mOD0jt07quT-ny1Aj47Ep1xEDgZVzI1NdV8fqjBhXmzb67t2R_d2RwH7tc5N3BQCGE9ooYnvnC2/s320/family.jpg" /></a></div>If you get a good score--like a 9--you get to perform again. But if you get a poor score--like a 0--you die.<br />
<br />
It takes a while for this to become apparent, and there are several long and fairly tedious scenes in which various people are forced to perform for the family, including the Whizz Kid and Nord.<br />
<br />
Neither receives good scores.<br />
<br />
So who is this family? We'll get to that. First the Doctor is captured by clowns and thrown into a cage with Captain Cook and Mags. The Captain doesn't seem very concerned about their situation, and we find out that this is because he's a horrible person who back stabs everyone to save his own skin.<br />
<br />
However, he also has some delicious lines. My favorite is delivered when--in commenting on the Psychic Circus--he says, "Number one rule of the intergalactic explorer, Doctor. If you hear someone talking about good vibes and letting it all hang out, run a mile."<br />
<br />
He says this <i>before</i> he and Mags are put into the cage, and it's in response to something said by a woman called Morgana, who is a gypsy fortuneteller and who runs the ticket booth for the Psychic Circus. And what <i>she</i> said was, "No problem. All of us around here believe in letting our feelings hang out. There is no point in getting uptight now, is there?"<br />
<br />
<div style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 5px 0pt;"><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,18,0" width="295" height="240" id="divflv"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11225274-d75&new_design=true" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/video2?myId=11225274-d75&new_design=true" width="295" height="240" name="divflv" allowfullscreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object></div>This tells you everything you really need to know about the Psychic Circus. It was started by a group of merry free-love types who wanted to bring joy to the universe. They were all very Flower Power/Make Love Not War/Turn On, Tune In, and they wanted to buy the world a Coke.<br />
<br />
(If you don't get that reference you are under 40 and missed some of the greatest television of all time. Watch the video to the left immediately.)<br />
<br />
So the Psychic Circus started out all cool and groovy. But somewhere along the line something went wrong and the Psychic Circus became a torture chamber. But why?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWH0ltn3H7n2ajGw5D3g4OftYQkrQIGjrYnIutdJ0xzcU7mwhDQ8QrW-KWKK5imEtCMz6ayCqOLHXBAlqSVz9rjqKvZtR9FgZ5z6WH1k3kSv0RTg3Io5v2VyB9n9kZSltgzh11SvmmP6-T/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23673.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWH0ltn3H7n2ajGw5D3g4OftYQkrQIGjrYnIutdJ0xzcU7mwhDQ8QrW-KWKK5imEtCMz6ayCqOLHXBAlqSVz9rjqKvZtR9FgZ5z6WH1k3kSv0RTg3Io5v2VyB9n9kZSltgzh11SvmmP6-T/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23673.jpg" /></a></div>We'll get to that. Right now there's a lot of running around. Ace runs around trying to find a way out. A bunch of clowns run around being creepy. Eventually the Doctor and Mags escape and run around trying to figure out just what the hell is going on.<br />
<br />
Here's what they all find out.<br />
<br />
Ace finds Bellboy, who has been punished by the Chief Clown. It turns out most of the clowns are robots, and Bellboy is the one who built them. He's the one who tells Ace that the Psychic Circus used to be fun. He also remembers that there were members named Juniper Berry and Peace Pipe, which is nice but irrelevant.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm2lsrio8MRVnajXBZBN_b1KT5bdG96hKqE_Ne4wa6EZGwRUTNoFjGVrzTarQYt_x3lUiW2E0NTirw1IRJLP8AEp5tupFA7MYp7J3s5hUUQufO0N_qvRXONVpspc3bBYYajNFvs7hPeA76/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23694.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm2lsrio8MRVnajXBZBN_b1KT5bdG96hKqE_Ne4wa6EZGwRUTNoFjGVrzTarQYt_x3lUiW2E0NTirw1IRJLP8AEp5tupFA7MYp7J3s5hUUQufO0N_qvRXONVpspc3bBYYajNFvs7hPeA76/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23694.jpg" width="170" /></a></div>The Doctor and Mags find this weird pit filled with blue light and a giant eye. The Doctor says that's where whatever controls the Psychic Circus lives, but he doesn't know how to get down there.<br />
<br />
The clowns find Ace. They take her away. The Chief Clown threatens Bellboy, but Bellboy commits suicide by having his clown robots kill him.<br />
<br />
I should have mentioned that from time to time a weird fellow called Deadbeat has been shuffling around. Now we find out that his name is really Kingpin and that he was the leader of the Psychic Circus before something bad happened to him. Also, he wears this medallion that seems to be important.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0qaer6uLWEWh6HT0kPm4Es41OiL73YTK2ox6raKNjpTLpU2uLVsLpo6ey3_nDMCCfyYpuWTd6n7MTkmHO1VHzPXaYFZy_sa-NDlK132RRUYLksIKwRhMYbRUk_NIpxntv71YSbC9AqfK/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23709.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0qaer6uLWEWh6HT0kPm4Es41OiL73YTK2ox6raKNjpTLpU2uLVsLpo6ey3_nDMCCfyYpuWTd6n7MTkmHO1VHzPXaYFZy_sa-NDlK132RRUYLksIKwRhMYbRUk_NIpxntv71YSbC9AqfK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23709.jpg" /></a></div>Doctor Who sees Kingpin holding the medallion and staring into Morgana's crystal ball, and somehow it occurs to him that when Flowerchild was killed she was probably looking for something hidden in the bus. He sends Ace and Kingpin to find it.<br />
<br />
What else? Well, the Doctor allows himself to be captured by the clowns and he, Captain Cook, and Mags are all forced to go into the center ring because the weird family is bored. That's when Captain Cook acts like a douche again and asks the clowns to turn a blue light on Mags. Why? Because it turns out she's a werewolf. The light makes her go nuts because it looks like a moon, and she turns into Patty Smyth from Scandal's "The Warrior" video.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_FQpDN_1W8U9fd07PWICO1CBKDizZCxncmT6464fHumQIILYTxNhCOa5Zulc_wOrp6LpfiZ11AM0fg5k0LNcJo40mGEbuTaTWPzbhM4V7hForzcvA3s99y5R6glrmXLYypMv_x8AgaEd_/s1600/mags.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_FQpDN_1W8U9fd07PWICO1CBKDizZCxncmT6464fHumQIILYTxNhCOa5Zulc_wOrp6LpfiZ11AM0fg5k0LNcJo40mGEbuTaTWPzbhM4V7hForzcvA3s99y5R6glrmXLYypMv_x8AgaEd_/s400/mags.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>This is very thrilling, and the weird family loves it. It's less fun for the Doctor, who runs around trying not to get bit by Mags, who is determined to keep shootin' at his walls of heartache--bang, bang. Eventually she turns on Captain Cook and bites him, though, so it's all good.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Ace and Kingpin are back at the bus and they find the box Flowerchild was looking for. Inside is an eye. Not a real one. A glass one. And it fits perfectly into the indentation in Kingpin's medallion. He's so excited by this that he fails to notice the robot conductor (who has been repaired) coming up behind Ace.<br />
<br />
The conductor tries to squash Ace's head, which we know he is very good at, but eventually Kingpin remembers that there's a switch under the conductor's hat and that if Ace pushes it the conductor will blow up.<br />
<br />
Which she does, and which he does.<br />
<br />
Now we're almost done. The weird family tells the Chief Clown that they're bored and want more entertainment, or else they'll do something he won't like. So what does he do? He sacrifices the Ringmaster and Morgana by pushing them into big wicker baskets and making them disappear.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg54eJhZ8WisblVc5310kEETL6iRs2HxLVfWh8vzaGQ3Byfoz6zB3kB9uNHSOdgahwCDkMWhfRtCPNn6y2NOggnV90hpEX6ku9Ry8Kjqnu0gcIQwLUuo7CTUmPvttBTiUcR6w77hrMOPpEf/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23751.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg54eJhZ8WisblVc5310kEETL6iRs2HxLVfWh8vzaGQ3Byfoz6zB3kB9uNHSOdgahwCDkMWhfRtCPNn6y2NOggnV90hpEX6ku9Ry8Kjqnu0gcIQwLUuo7CTUmPvttBTiUcR6w77hrMOPpEf/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23751.jpg" /></a></div>Now the Doctor uses the recently-deceased Morgana's crystal ball to communicate with whatever powers are in the shiny blue eye pit. This results in some kind of cosmic LSD trip and the Doctor is transported into the pit.<br />
<br />
There he finds himself standing before three stone statues. Only they aren't statues--they're the Gods of Ragnarok!<br />
<br />
Who? Sigh. The Gods of Ragnarok. Don't you know anything? The Gods of Ragnarok are Old Ones, beings who existed before time. Etc, etc, etc. The point is, they're powerful and mean and their names are Raag, Nah, and Rok. This is very clever.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv3zHsUJIa80rswvBbTrtlTWE-iDFVTVbvmnE85pkPyJo9EYVCByQNfisqiuOk2udzJTU39T1B3-5ShbsFBKwwQ9rbtFWGZ5mDnn632ynOCcdFkfzmoPcrxw6FHyTjQqoSHvL-MJrvqT2D/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23688.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv3zHsUJIa80rswvBbTrtlTWE-iDFVTVbvmnE85pkPyJo9EYVCByQNfisqiuOk2udzJTU39T1B3-5ShbsFBKwwQ9rbtFWGZ5mDnn632ynOCcdFkfzmoPcrxw6FHyTjQqoSHvL-MJrvqT2D/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23688.jpg" /></a></div>If you see a similarity between the Gods of Raganrok and the weird family in the center ring, you've been paying attention. See, the Gods of Ragnarok decided to use the Psychic Circus for their own amusement, forcing the creators of the circus to find acts for them. Doctor Who takes exception to this and taunts the Gods by doing silly magic tricks.<br />
<br />
This gives Ace and Kingpin and Mags (who has gone to find them) time to get the eye back to the circus. But now the Chief Clown wants the eye and so there's a lot of drama, including the dead Captain Cook coming back to life and being a bully. But eventually Kingpin throws the medallion into the pit and Doctor Who uses it to repel the lasers the Gods of Ragnarok shoot from their eyes. The pit is destroyed, the Gods crumble, and the Psychic Circus disappears in a big cloud of fuchsia colored dust, taking all the evil clowns with it.<br />
<br />
Then Kingpin and Mags decide to start another circus and everyone is happy. The end.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK6yGi3txuS_cW0X2fHTz4DZdYVqMlKsE9b3HyOxiwIHe7YIzDp5vRequuyHcz30wSpYdJWfHyXfRyFFLrI3j07t-8oZLiimCWdDJFOE_Z0O1bXBRsV4W5ilQ8w1mNerjrwvRSLWJuk_o2/s1600/doctor_sarah_pertwee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK6yGi3txuS_cW0X2fHTz4DZdYVqMlKsE9b3HyOxiwIHe7YIzDp5vRequuyHcz30wSpYdJWfHyXfRyFFLrI3j07t-8oZLiimCWdDJFOE_Z0O1bXBRsV4W5ilQ8w1mNerjrwvRSLWJuk_o2/s320/doctor_sarah_pertwee.jpg" /></a></div>I've mentioned the Doctor's companions several times. Well, arguably the most popular companion of all time is Sarah Jane Smith. Played by Elisabeth Sladen, Sarah Jane's first appearance was in 1973's <i>The Time Warrior</i> serial with Third Doctor Jon Pertwee. She continued as a companion to the Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker, and has also appeared alongside the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) and the Eleventh (and current) Doctor (Matt Smith). All in all, Sarah Jane was featured in 18 stories over four seasons of the original series run and in four episodes of the revived series.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK4G3LZJxOHBkGWuO4VcxFLxbJRhik42s23NSr8xUCgcY7C_CVp5Ri2a3lr8wWq_xJJvqXqAlfeA72JrfbML7zHhKge4pS3S1m2iFTiQVZ3hSU1xhwDjYVnO9tyiRl3LQvhv-0pZ_Vg0-G/s1600/sarah_k9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK4G3LZJxOHBkGWuO4VcxFLxbJRhik42s23NSr8xUCgcY7C_CVp5Ri2a3lr8wWq_xJJvqXqAlfeA72JrfbML7zHhKge4pS3S1m2iFTiQVZ3hSU1xhwDjYVnO9tyiRl3LQvhv-0pZ_Vg0-G/s320/sarah_k9.jpg" /></a></div>In 1981 the BBC produced a pilot for the first <i>Doctor Who</i> spinoff series, called <i>K-9 and Company.</i> It starred K-9, the robotic dog companion to the Fourth Doctor, and Sarah Jane. Sadly, it was not picked up as a series and the single episode was broadcast only once as a Christmas special.<br />
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Sarah Jane returned in 2007, however, in her very own show, <i>The Sarah Jane Adventures.</i> Aimed squarely at the tween set, the show centers around Sarah Jane and a trio of teens who help her solve intergalactic mysteries. It's just like <i>Charlie's Angels</i>, but without the Angels or Charlie. And nobody in <i>The Sarah Jane Adventures</i> has ever had to go undercover in a women's prison. Yet.<br />
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The <i>Sarah Jane Adventures</i> episode in which we are interested is the second episode of the second season. It's called "The Day of the Clown," and it aired in October of 2008.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuqYq3OrCP4r1Q-PLqiJkpjMjH4cJXPW68jAw8RieodjqvlutM6teBf9lTS4rwOFIme73twCWuvxLojxl8rbtU3mMGmR155ZvMgsIsa-GAB0WUs07AlRqGABcgzKo68uxwscgOb3w-y2hY/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23778.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuqYq3OrCP4r1Q-PLqiJkpjMjH4cJXPW68jAw8RieodjqvlutM6teBf9lTS4rwOFIme73twCWuvxLojxl8rbtU3mMGmR155ZvMgsIsa-GAB0WUs07AlRqGABcgzKo68uxwscgOb3w-y2hY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23778.jpg" /></a></div>Considering that <i>The Sarah Jane Adventures</i> is for kids, the clown in this episode is pretty freaking creepy. His name is Odd Bob, and he looks like this.<br />
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What's that? Now that you mention it, he <i>does</i> look a bit like Pennywise from Stephen King's <i>It.</i> And like Pennywise, Odd Bob likes to hand out red balloons. But before you go yelling "Copycat!" consider that there really aren't a whole lot of things you can do with a creepy clown, especially on a kids' show.<br />
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At the beginning of "The Day of the Clown" Sarah Jane's son Luke--who she adopted at the end of season one--is all moody because his friend Gloria has moved away. You know, because people are always leaving him and all he wants is a little stability in his life. I mean for crying out loud, he's being raised by a <i>single mother.</i> We all know how unreliable <i>they</i> are. Sheesh.<br />
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Anyway, Luke is kind of pouty. But things begin to look up when Luke and his friend Clyde arrive at school and run into a new girl. Her name is Rani, and she's cute. Maybe not as cute as Maria, at least not to Luke, but Clyde totally puts the moves on her. Only Rani doesn't have time for boys so she's all, "You're not so hot, aight?"<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhprVmhILeH7t1PwTy2GgUiSQsbQLCq5NojJOAqMilxkOyBdvs19dxGg_M2kSLbAevsR-90kFPeNMZopqCmviphRUro9JBAv-ke8Po2wu1ZFRJlDsZ68kFW8TLTGhl1-AFWq2TeR5dAX3dT/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23796.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhprVmhILeH7t1PwTy2GgUiSQsbQLCq5NojJOAqMilxkOyBdvs19dxGg_M2kSLbAevsR-90kFPeNMZopqCmviphRUro9JBAv-ke8Po2wu1ZFRJlDsZ68kFW8TLTGhl1-AFWq2TeR5dAX3dT/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23796.jpg" /></a></div>Everyone goes to homeroom and are surprised when their teacher introduces the new head of the school, whose name is Mr. Chandra. Under normal circumstances Rani would be very interested in this, but because Odd Bob is staring in the window at her she kind of can't think about anything else. <br />
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Back at home, Sarah Jane visits the new neighbors who are moving into the house vacated by Maria's family. Well, she visits with the mother, who is the only one home. Her name is Mrs. Chandra, which will probably rings some bells. She's very happy to meet Sarah Jane, and mentions that her daughter and Luke should meet. She doesn't know that they already totally have, so don't start calling her dumb or anything.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7qqQpuYdWX9fMRCG4FXGopo3BJHnulu2mLPxrLgMZiwJDbbtknsCmdbBE-vOTfM6GrR0SloKfgOsrbeVb2cvRIVBRx2CqFSeiA_-Ggb-bDvfeOsnzGCUkMJCDd6XdvqHXK838qgL3xHJG/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23805.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7qqQpuYdWX9fMRCG4FXGopo3BJHnulu2mLPxrLgMZiwJDbbtknsCmdbBE-vOTfM6GrR0SloKfgOsrbeVb2cvRIVBRx2CqFSeiA_-Ggb-bDvfeOsnzGCUkMJCDd6XdvqHXK838qgL3xHJG/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23805.jpg" /></a></div>The clown is causing more mischief at school. Now Clyde sees Odd Bob's reflection in a trophy case. He chases the clown and ends up in the boys' bathroom, which would be an excellent beginning to a joke but it isn't. Odd Bob does, however, stick his hand out of a mirror and offer Clyde a balloon. This is a relief, as there are so many other things a creepy clown might offer a handsome young man in a bathroom that would be far worse.<br />
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Now we will move along quickly, because this is the part of the story where they try to figure out what's going on and it kind of drags. Clyde tells Luke about the clown moments before Odd Bob makes another appearance. Rani tells the boys not to accept a balloon from Odd Bob because something bad will happen. She also tells them that she's been seeing Odd Bob everywhere for a few days. And a little while later she tells them that Mr. Chandra is her dad, which we already knew because if there are more than two Indian people in a television show they must be related. Unless you're actually <i>in</i> India, in which case they all dance and sing.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIypqbiAHjXIBX-wX1vKItECJZMngBOhN2YBCJKK9k8G3R3OEaSK4f2oIZgZufFwqY7cX9vslOsE2F69VzpSlGmXh-ReC0Ocd1bUpRLbIuYoOmjWnUA_m1saB7sD6vtZaR9u1mcvu2TxRn/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23826.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIypqbiAHjXIBX-wX1vKItECJZMngBOhN2YBCJKK9k8G3R3OEaSK4f2oIZgZufFwqY7cX9vslOsE2F69VzpSlGmXh-ReC0Ocd1bUpRLbIuYoOmjWnUA_m1saB7sD6vtZaR9u1mcvu2TxRn/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23826.jpg" /></a></div>Luke and Sarah Jane and Clyde talk about the clown and what be up wit' it. They wonder if it could be connected to the recent disappearance of a boy in town. That's a good thought, so they track down the boy's footy (that's soccer in British talk) playing friends and ask if anything weird had happened before the boy's disappearance.<br />
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One of the boys says that a day or so before the disappearance they ran into a creepy clown who was handing out tickets to something. That "something" turns out to be Spellman's Magical Museum of the Circus. And naturally Sarah Jane and the gang have to go there.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BC3BOm3yXVymo5MQMeAqaf_SWzpLz3eeaXf5WjLw1_eVqAZi5K5AUOg1uEcQep8KGOPO39YHf8t0ZVBZvxvfAsYZq9xbM0nYNFlyXRxq_irwxR23s6hTrCAC_HhV3Amk3x-ARg0GPcqd/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23868.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BC3BOm3yXVymo5MQMeAqaf_SWzpLz3eeaXf5WjLw1_eVqAZi5K5AUOg1uEcQep8KGOPO39YHf8t0ZVBZvxvfAsYZq9xbM0nYNFlyXRxq_irwxR23s6hTrCAC_HhV3Amk3x-ARg0GPcqd/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23868.jpg" /></a></div>Sarah Jane and Clyde go first. There they meet a man named Elijah Spellman, who dresses like a ringmaster and is creepy. They also see a lot of clowns and we find out that clowns make Sarah Jane's skin crawl. Yes, she actually says this, so it's true.<br />
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As Spellman is blathering on about the history of clowns, Clyde sees a painting of a clown that resembles the one he saw. It doesn't really, but go with it. At least it's the same colors as Odd Bob.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiaPC4prgRWtibKTAeh0s9B2cMZdnuqIXbOxfD4qJcC5KnqEicrtQWArdzT2K03JStQEYLrOs8xd9fBTb1HgJ4j9taTRMqspVpmDiUEuB8SAgo4hSXQhZJTiEyTWImj5JSaakoiBcZTHW5/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23865.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiaPC4prgRWtibKTAeh0s9B2cMZdnuqIXbOxfD4qJcC5KnqEicrtQWArdzT2K03JStQEYLrOs8xd9fBTb1HgJ4j9taTRMqspVpmDiUEuB8SAgo4hSXQhZJTiEyTWImj5JSaakoiBcZTHW5/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23865.jpg" /></a></div>The painting Clyde is looking at is of the Piped Piper. You remember him. He's the one who drove all the rats out of Hamelin and then when the people wouldn't pay him stole their children and sealed them up in a mountain. Well, he's back.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcwMZFdUkb5N1pBQVTJHyNnjLyU4RwvkuC887CrZnxj7sOiKkdCjGyE-CKNPU5_WqqCR-Y7B1qo7sVIFBveQBTjUOirQnVQzxV39teQuJhmGzKZPjTrsobhvEWTbaKp_lnFvtn7fB5Jlsd/s1600/First25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcwMZFdUkb5N1pBQVTJHyNnjLyU4RwvkuC887CrZnxj7sOiKkdCjGyE-CKNPU5_WqqCR-Y7B1qo7sVIFBveQBTjUOirQnVQzxV39teQuJhmGzKZPjTrsobhvEWTbaKp_lnFvtn7fB5Jlsd/s320/First25.jpg" /></a>A little side trip. Those familiar with <i>Doctor Who</i> might recall that in <i>TV Comic</i> issues 705-709, published in 1965, there was a story called "Challenge of the Piper." In this story the First Doctor and his companions John and Gillian travel to the world of the Pied Piper, where all of his child victims are being kept prisoner. The Doctor of course outwits the Piper and leads the children home.<br />
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But that was then, and this is now. <br />
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Now Luke and Rani show up at the museum because Rani somehow got hold of the missing kid's school notebook and found pictures of a scary clown drawn on the outside and a ticket to the museum on the inside. Also, she herself had been given a ticket to the museum, which you think she might have mentioned earlier when it became clear she was being harassed by a <i>clown.</i><br />
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Spellman/Odd Bob/The Piper doesn't want Sarah Jane and her minions to leave, so he gets all magicky and seals the doors. Also, the clowns come to life. But Sarah Jane has a sonic lipstick that will help.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKbgJBYsQcliWubDhjgAvsYOUYwqFiWqjLS2ZmCPwbT2YLGPznsN-Lpm3gnvfFCL92RFdzuaRHO8OfPi-sqlccE8Va41y_l43zhl53bde3K_wz3iCuVjLioxElfLTwyLnpLotZSf4tznDA/s1600/sarahjanesoniclipstickandwatchtoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKbgJBYsQcliWubDhjgAvsYOUYwqFiWqjLS2ZmCPwbT2YLGPznsN-Lpm3gnvfFCL92RFdzuaRHO8OfPi-sqlccE8Va41y_l43zhl53bde3K_wz3iCuVjLioxElfLTwyLnpLotZSf4tznDA/s320/sarahjanesoniclipstickandwatchtoy.jpg" /></a></div>What? I haven't mentioned the sonic lipstick? Sorry. See, Doctor Who has this device--the sonic screwdriver--that he uses to get out of pretty much any sticky wicket. Of course when Sarah Jane got her own show she needed her own sonic screwdriver. Only everyone knows tools are for boys, so the Doctor gave her a sonic lipstick instead. This proves that the United Kingdom is sexist. However, if you want your very own sonic lipstick you can get one, and that's kind of spiffy.<br />
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The sonic lipstick only partly works. Now things look bad. But then someone's cell phone rings. This disturbs Odd Bob's concentration or short circuits his powers or something, and the doors fly open. This is a relief, as there's a whole second hour of show and something needs to happen.<br />
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What happens is that Sarah Jane is forced to reveal her secret identity to Rani, which is not something she wanted to do because No One is Supposed to Know. But now that Rani knows that Sarah Jane and Luke and Clyde hunt aliens, she's all for it. She especially likes their clubhouse, which is really Sarah Jane's attic. But then Sarah Jane has to be a drag by telling Rani that there are rules for being in their little gang. Here they are.<br />
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1. We look out for each other.<br />
2. We respect all life, no matter what planet it's from.<br />
3. We tell no one what we do.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpT_MNjdCPfYwNUZdOlgsFXm-zezntGX2VZY60-QwDN28HketsZMGp0hZat2Lq538wbIyRpLOdcr7gzJ7RNmNx_Z6ketMeLD3Eduuj9KOmahf1XO9nWWloqNpl5whKhoiiJ3n1KsM9gWxg/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23889.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpT_MNjdCPfYwNUZdOlgsFXm-zezntGX2VZY60-QwDN28HketsZMGp0hZat2Lq538wbIyRpLOdcr7gzJ7RNmNx_Z6ketMeLD3Eduuj9KOmahf1XO9nWWloqNpl5whKhoiiJ3n1KsM9gWxg/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23889.jpg" /></a></div>These are pretty simple rules (although one could argue that Sarah Jane isn't so good about keeping #3) so Rani says that, chuh, of course she can keep a secret and hey, what's that talking computer thing? and Clyde or Luke (I forget now) says check this out, this is Mr. Smith the talking computer.<br />
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They feed the ticket Rani has into Mr. Smith, who prints out a whole bunch of stuff about some child murders from 1932, the Pied Piper, and a meteorite that landed on Earth around the time all this weirdness began. <br />
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As it happens (and this is an <i>amazing</i> stroke of good fortune) Sarah Jane just happens to be friends with the director of the institute where the surviving piece of that meteorite is kept. Can you believe that?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjemUbrqJwHwA9obVj76zKCY9r8jcP2jj5_nwlFFpCVdZTUFmOvK1Rb2_sFnRjOZKBh5Cru-hmO6Cnz6BbRspLa5E6xLm9quu3iHSVpF1SfXrlf3lv5Irdu88Fpd9RzOAFoR51Zdti2RBDY/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23922.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjemUbrqJwHwA9obVj76zKCY9r8jcP2jj5_nwlFFpCVdZTUFmOvK1Rb2_sFnRjOZKBh5Cru-hmO6Cnz6BbRspLa5E6xLm9quu3iHSVpF1SfXrlf3lv5Irdu88Fpd9RzOAFoR51Zdti2RBDY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23922.jpg" /></a></div>She goes to look at it. Actually, she goes to break a piece off of it so that Mr. Smith can analyze it. And guess--just guess--who shows up to put a scare into her? No, not Carrot Top. Odd Bob.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQS07KOCoz3vvyefSC2WUgaeeedhFO7KqsBJ8sEUNt8kIcTTi7B_6aEoHTUcWA-vsw2CBNX1jWleWsVLYj82AI4Ks7JwS4OE2pS6f-7KBSDRxiwZpRjBIYotz1H15GrBNAc3RL-9tSvBFB/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23910.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQS07KOCoz3vvyefSC2WUgaeeedhFO7KqsBJ8sEUNt8kIcTTi7B_6aEoHTUcWA-vsw2CBNX1jWleWsVLYj82AI4Ks7JwS4OE2pS6f-7KBSDRxiwZpRjBIYotz1H15GrBNAc3RL-9tSvBFB/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23910.jpg" /></a>What freaks out Sarah Jane the most is that Odd Bob knows exactly why she's afraid of clowns. When she was a little girl she woke up one night during a terrible storm and saw the clown marionette in her room come to life. Which of course the writers of <i>The Sarah Jane Adventures</i> did not steal from <i>Poltergeist</i> because plagiarism is bad, mkay? And guess who made that marionette come to life? Eeeeeeeeeeeeek! Odd Bob was watching Sarah Jane when she was sleeping!<br />
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What freaks me out the most is that Odd Bob suddenly has a Southern accent, but I'll let that go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXXCt1erN8JFcPd1LQVIujnIbnRLdI-1uL0w1yixwO_eI-UJM7zZe9gHP22GN_brE4LtJWCT15wbCGDRKZpbgcB7qCKQK4wpVAbJRu2zhCymyfT5iyPZ8s_SLpq93-rB0y7rFV4n419Aec/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23928.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXXCt1erN8JFcPd1LQVIujnIbnRLdI-1uL0w1yixwO_eI-UJM7zZe9gHP22GN_brE4LtJWCT15wbCGDRKZpbgcB7qCKQK4wpVAbJRu2zhCymyfT5iyPZ8s_SLpq93-rB0y7rFV4n419Aec/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23928.jpg" /></a></div>Odd Bob has told Sarah Jane that he's going to do something really awful. This is why while Luke and Clyde and Rani are at school hundreds of red balloons fall from the sky. And when the students pick the balloons up, they all go into a trance and start marching toward Spellman's Magical Museum of the Circus. You know, like rats. Or the children of Hamelin.<br />
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Sarah Jane has to work quickly now, because there are some things a sonic lipstick simply can't fix. She shoves the bit of asteroid into Mr. Smith, who analyzes it and says that Odd Bob is an alien life form that preys on people's fears. Specifically, in 1283 a meteorite crashed into the Weserbergland Mountains. Trapped in the meteorite was an evil entity, which broke free and became the Piped Piper. It's been on a rampage ever since, and has now taken on the form of Odd Bob. <br />
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But as for how to defeat Odd Bob, Mr. Smith is about as helpful as the sonic lipstick on that matter and has no clue what to do.<br />
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Then Sarah Jane remembers the incident with the cell phone. She tells Mr. Smith to ring every single cell phone number in the area. He does, every kid's cell phone jingles, and it breaks the Piper's spell. The children are saved! Unfortunately, it also gives every kid a pretty good argument to use against their parents for why they should be allowed to have cell phones. "But, Mom! What if I get magicked by the Pied Piper! Zomg!"<br />
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Oh, and there's one other problem. Luke has been taken by Odd Bob and imprisoned in a mirror. Sarah Jane goes to find him, and Rani and Clyde manage to sneak into the museum even though Odd Bob has locked the doors.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZUb8rJhrDB9VbDFnekJrB2sBV_GgJN17HhjDXC0ovasmmJLlQ-2YsDMfDoT64DeRkc0LefDyd9RYcvc4pObbnL0pxI1Qzq_E7JNJEV26uaOPnQbjGcM_8S1erG16NUnc1TQAh2PSV_MxW/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23883.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZUb8rJhrDB9VbDFnekJrB2sBV_GgJN17HhjDXC0ovasmmJLlQ-2YsDMfDoT64DeRkc0LefDyd9RYcvc4pObbnL0pxI1Qzq_E7JNJEV26uaOPnQbjGcM_8S1erG16NUnc1TQAh2PSV_MxW/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23883.jpg" /></a></div>And it's a good thing they did, because Odd Bob is in no mood to be trifled with. As he explains, all of the children he's ever taken are trapped in between dimensions. He <i>could</i> bring them back, but then no one would be a afraid of him anymore and he would die because his existence is fueled by fear. This is a good point, well made, and you can hardly fault him for trying to stay alive.<br />
<br />
But Sarah Jane wants her son back and Clyde wants his best friend back and Rani is just pissed off that Odd Bob has been stalking her, so Clyde gets all clever and thinks of a way to drain Odd Bob's energy--by telling jokes. You know, because if they laugh then they won't be afraid and Odd Bob will be destroyed.<br />
<br />
Here are some of the many, many jokes Clyde rattles off in the next 90 seconds.<br />
<br />
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?<br />
A: Right where you left him.<br />
<br />
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?<br />
A: Bunny farts.<br />
<br />
As one of my dogs is missing a leg, I find that first joke to be in incredibly poor taste and I am offended. All right, I'm not. It's pretty funny.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeBqug90qZMFllsadKWwKIGTxL1XVzLwTCJxInhc5IF8RREK-yt8xeqFCuMQAyBzyWGhCDnmUcCb8JshCkSjdb4ARshw8OO21V7_yIBn99PC7r75e51-82ZahD3EuZAgDk9TzG4ekPhos_/s1600/DVD+Snap+1%23955.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeBqug90qZMFllsadKWwKIGTxL1XVzLwTCJxInhc5IF8RREK-yt8xeqFCuMQAyBzyWGhCDnmUcCb8JshCkSjdb4ARshw8OO21V7_yIBn99PC7r75e51-82ZahD3EuZAgDk9TzG4ekPhos_/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23955.jpg" /></a></div>The jokes make Sarah Jane and Rani laugh, and eventually Odd Bob gets all glowy and explodes. I hate to bring this up, but this is exactly what happened to Pennywise in <i>It,</i> and as the writers already went too close to that line once you would think they might come up with something different. But they didn't.<br />
<br />
With Odd Bob gone, Luke reappears and everyone is delirious with joy. Sarah Jane makes Rani an official member of the team, and Clyde reveals that he has a crush on Dawn French, which is weird because Dawn French is 53 and I don't know how he would know about her.<br />
<br />
Dawn French, if you don't know, is one half of French & Saunders (Jennifer Saunders being the other half), one of the funniest comedy duos of all time. Most people know Saunders better because she starred as Edina in <i>Absolutely Fabulous</i> alongside Joanna Lumley, but Dawn French will make you wet your pants just as well.<br />
<br />
Fun Fact: Dawn French has a starring role in another creepy clownfest that we'll be looking at in a later column. Stay tuned for that. <br />
<br />
Until then, here is my favorite French & Saunders skit. It's called "Muriel and Maddie."<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
Ratings (out of 5):<br />
<br />
<br />
"The Celestial Toymaker"<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQb2tW_ecJYph3JZuLUKc5-i5DHagSRbgmF9ljXG2wVmtiilSvjd-c4hlm18XSWiRq_mWCackDMliQRwtkfax8XUO1ExUA4qmp3dOa-DXxQnBU_T53rp-qlU4_1ciR9clI0eUc9tb_my1/s1600/2.5+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQb2tW_ecJYph3JZuLUKc5-i5DHagSRbgmF9ljXG2wVmtiilSvjd-c4hlm18XSWiRq_mWCackDMliQRwtkfax8XUO1ExUA4qmp3dOa-DXxQnBU_T53rp-qlU4_1ciR9clI0eUc9tb_my1/s320/2.5+clowns.png" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"The Greatest Show in the Galaxy"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzbn2Z9oGBfn6T6hYeOJfo4W6EFrrDMRaYkuCeH5LDOe0WQAvx-Nhi38Y0OOXbUjd0ei-dth3RTTbUyTsif33I26ySm5k8sIaCZAv6uEs8bjPT-1WoCaDwRJPU4190h3FjLRec7VE2MPli/s1600/4+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzbn2Z9oGBfn6T6hYeOJfo4W6EFrrDMRaYkuCeH5LDOe0WQAvx-Nhi38Y0OOXbUjd0ei-dth3RTTbUyTsif33I26ySm5k8sIaCZAv6uEs8bjPT-1WoCaDwRJPU4190h3FjLRec7VE2MPli/s320/4+clowns.png" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"The Day of the Clown"<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZcpfcwmOrXkAJhmm75mI6qYClK03Pim2iF-nr3v-19DGsa_ksolfGYLz-VumJoWW87KeFGtyQ5s_XXfdWUq_I4yB590CIPi7CIAj-ZHqiRAN46EzD2HEOfP2_1IZ_se8jgl5k5eOLLhe/s1600/3+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZcpfcwmOrXkAJhmm75mI6qYClK03Pim2iF-nr3v-19DGsa_ksolfGYLz-VumJoWW87KeFGtyQ5s_XXfdWUq_I4yB590CIPi7CIAj-ZHqiRAN46EzD2HEOfP2_1IZ_se8jgl5k5eOLLhe/s320/3+clowns.png" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-39389065399703561182010-04-01T12:53:00.000-07:002010-04-02T07:32:30.939-07:00Burning Down the House(wives)I am going to let you in on a little secret. Before I do, allow me to remind you that I have never claimed to be a nice person.<br />
<br />
There are days when I really dislike other authors. Not all of them, just the ones who are getting a lot more money and attention than they deserve. You know, the ones who get six and seven figure deals based on no evidence of talent and for books that--to all outward appearances--are ridiculously useless.<br />
<br />
Let me clarify. I don't mind authors being paid enormous sums of money. I'm all for it, mostly because as long as publishers keep occasionally tossing heaps of cash at writers I still have a chance of being one of them. What I mind is when this money is tossed at writers whose books have absolutely no chance of earning that money back.<br />
<br />
This happens far more often than you might think. Usually with books by celebrities. Some editor decides that everyone will want to know the details of a soap opera diva's failed marriages, for example, or that readers will care deeply about the trials and tribulations of a former child star. Checks are written, a lot of hoo-ha happens when the book is published, and a week later stacks of that book are available for $2.99 in bargain bins everywhere. Meanwhile, those of us who aren't getting the six and seven figure advances have to sell more books to pay for the publisher's losses. <br />
<br />
Which brings us to the housewives.<br />
<br />
I'm sure you know about the housewives. The ones from Orange County? And Atlanta? And New Jersey? And New York? I'm sure you do. Thanks to Bravo television, gossip columns, and tabloids you can't escape them.<br />
<br />
I hate (to love) the housewives. They are (with a few notable exceptions) insipid, deluded, self-involved, and utterly useless. They have nothing to offer except a glimpse into the empty worlds in which they live and which they try--vainly--to make us believe are glamorous and worth visiting. They think we watch them because they're fabulous. We watch them because they're a spectacular train wreck. But don't tell them that. They think we're just jealous.<br />
<br />
Not surprisingly, a number of the housewives think they have something to say and have "written" books. I don't know what they were paid for "writing" these books, but I assure you it was too much.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsj7G4ggwJRJulh8CZbADCwM-Mr9dmZH7saGHZm0GQ2p57A2SLwXKab-ze7oU0wrpP2wQVO9_QQu0adPeemmAHHsy3vLYccIKe2HfKp46zyziM9L0lGaJiEs4TTQKLIBXq5nQsC58stE/s1600/SJM+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVsj7G4ggwJRJulh8CZbADCwM-Mr9dmZH7saGHZm0GQ2p57A2SLwXKab-ze7oU0wrpP2wQVO9_QQu0adPeemmAHHsy3vLYccIKe2HfKp46zyziM9L0lGaJiEs4TTQKLIBXq5nQsC58stE/s320/SJM+cover.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>The latest soon-to-be-remaindered offering is from New York housewife Jill Zarin, whose claim to fame is steadfastly clinging to the belief that she has style and taste when her apartment looks as if it was designed by syphilis-ridden French whores decorating for a prom held in a traveling carnival funhouse. Jill--who is currently taking ice skating lessons from Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes (please, please, please let there by a <i>Housewives on Ice Spectacular</i> in the works)--is fond of hosting dinners and private shopping "experiences" for her friends at upscale department stores, which apparently has prepared her for writing an advice book called <i>Secrets of a Jewish Mother</i>.<br />
<br />
Actually, she "wrote" it with her sister and her mother, all of whom apparently have a lot of advice to dish out. However, if the episode in which the three women pose for the cover of the book is any evidence, the mother needs to take some advice on how not to behave like a rampaging cow before she starts telling other people how to act.<br />
<br />
But I wish them all the best. Really, I do. (No I don't.)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkAvs17kXA5WxcIJBOW68nMuwjXV7WDxmS83D53EdXG7Ws5p8ML-phiS-q7bmGtF7zUKT28-x2MXo5nisotlNPdIETtUpeyrTDwLgE98SyEb2yKv6ndOZCgzZcn8oxeIbeQuimY59mLFs/s1600/countess.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkAvs17kXA5WxcIJBOW68nMuwjXV7WDxmS83D53EdXG7Ws5p8ML-phiS-q7bmGtF7zUKT28-x2MXo5nisotlNPdIETtUpeyrTDwLgE98SyEb2yKv6ndOZCgzZcn8oxeIbeQuimY59mLFs/s320/countess.jpg" width="190" /></a></div>I do <i>not</i> wish the best to another New York housewife, the so-called "Countess" LuAnn de Lesseps.<br />
<br />
If there is a more annoying woman on the face of the planet, I don't know who she is. De Lesseps believes that she is the epitome of grace and class, yet all she seems to do is stomp around being petulant because people fail to address her by the title she acquired only by virtue of being her now ex-husband's fourth wife. Maybe when she was just little LuAnn Nadeau from Connecticut she was tolerable, but somewhere along the way she morphed into a monster of unbelievable proportion. Watching her swan around, suffocating others with her stench of piety and expressing wide-eyed shock at the perceived social gaffes of others, you can't help but see her as some weird, giant insect whose bizarre growth rate has been caused by consuming too much caviar harvested from radioactive sturgeon caught in Pripyat River outside Chernobyl. <br />
<br />
On her own website de Lesseps writes: "The Countess’s decorum on the show, brisk sales of her book <i>Class with the Countess,</i> and appearances on talk and news shows has made her a widely recognized manners and etiquette expert."<br />
<br />
Apparently not, however, a grammar expert. And those "brisk sales" must refer to the fact that all of them happened within the first three minutes of the book going on sale. Published in April of 2009, the book has sold a reported 6,000 copies and is now available on Amazon at the Bargain Price of $9.40.<br />
<br />
Again, I don't know what the Countess was paid for her book, but if it was any more than about $20,000 it will be a while before she sees any royalties. But I guess she can always sell some of the family jewels.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpFR9TRVyISBC2nPUJ7epUfCGJpMYia7UOSRDOe56jzn2tHB-3y5YUXrIyEhzsUuP8mFMq046WblLOOJdsWsOV94F1dQneGPG2n9wKdB-LpcAorREj61ydC5748fPWZRZL84tFEWmw-o/s1600/mccord.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmpFR9TRVyISBC2nPUJ7epUfCGJpMYia7UOSRDOe56jzn2tHB-3y5YUXrIyEhzsUuP8mFMq046WblLOOJdsWsOV94F1dQneGPG2n9wKdB-LpcAorREj61ydC5748fPWZRZL84tFEWmw-o/s320/mccord.jpg" width="204" /></a></div>Actually, the New York housewives as a whole are the most prolific of the lot. In addition to Levin's and de Lessep's books, housewife Alex McCord and househusband Simon van Kempen will soon give birth to <i>Little Kids, Big City</i>, an account of raising children in the Big Apple. I happen to really like this peculiar duo, so I honestly do wish them well with the book.<br />
<br />
But the breakout publishing star of the New York edition is Bethenny Frankel, referred to in our house as Skeletora ever since we first saw her as a contestant on <i>The Apprentice: Martha Stewart</i> back in 2005 (where she was runner-up). Frankel has released two bestselling books about being "naturally thin."<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_PL9JF7UNPyqwIqyfvW57hj16DBrf42XwksWkziDf6RxoVWnbpBPBWDYvG9uKokbfOvrTlSXEkY66AC-k0yl1qKDlnpgqeYDKNoLYsYiEhPL75sCDMcPfmZO5qS2-adUxA8N0mxCN9vM/s1600/bethenny-frankel-showing-her-ass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_PL9JF7UNPyqwIqyfvW57hj16DBrf42XwksWkziDf6RxoVWnbpBPBWDYvG9uKokbfOvrTlSXEkY66AC-k0yl1qKDlnpgqeYDKNoLYsYiEhPL75sCDMcPfmZO5qS2-adUxA8N0mxCN9vM/s320/bethenny-frankel-showing-her-ass.jpg" width="209" /></a>I hate diet books almost as much as I hate "inspiring life stories." And even though Bethenny seems like she's not entirely horrid, I can't help but wonder if her sales numbers are about how good her books are or about the fact that she does <i>this</i> at signings.<br />
<br />
Really, I shouldn't make assumptions about these things. The woman is just showing off her assets, and I shouldn't make her the butt of a joke. Suggesting that people buy her books for any reason other than that they're fantastically helpful is just asinine. Almost assuredly. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif9sy-VC5jP5JEPVdBN5LCa87SV148M8SA7rtOLO6RryeU8Nbux45nKPv8lvL9sQmgC1HVI7sZRFAXV_PI9IDFaiCb8z7mG8owhnu64BZmgcpDCQC2L9B-33-SY2Dd4X5tW-s5eRGo5H8/s1600/nene-leakes-book1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif9sy-VC5jP5JEPVdBN5LCa87SV148M8SA7rtOLO6RryeU8Nbux45nKPv8lvL9sQmgC1HVI7sZRFAXV_PI9IDFaiCb8z7mG8owhnu64BZmgcpDCQC2L9B-33-SY2Dd4X5tW-s5eRGo5H8/s320/nene-leakes-book1.jpg" width="211" /></a> To date the most successful book to flow from the pen of a housewife cast member has come from <i>Real Housewives of Atlanta</i>'s NeNe Leakes. (Does anyone else think her name would be perfect for the character of a retired, overworked wet nurse?) NeNe's <i>Never Make the Same Mistake Twice</i> has sold 9,000 copies in hardcover since August of 2009, thoroughly trouncing the Countess in the literary ring. So good for her.<br />
<br />
Not that everyone was impressed by NeNe's words of wisdom. To quote from an Amazon reader:<br />
<br />
<i>"I would rather have an impacted colon than have to read even a paragraph of this book again."</i><br />
<br />
Ouch. Sorry, NeNe. You can't please everyone.<br />
<br />
So what of the Orange County and New Jersey housewives? Well, no one expects much from the residents of Orange County in the way of literary pursuits, so that is perhaps not a surprise. But New Jersey has given us celebrated novelists including Philip Roth, Norman Mailer, and, um, Ethan Hawke. Surely there must be a housewife with literary aspirations.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxvIOuWhU1DBWASgG2mA05WV-93GhlCfTmsg8Z-a3DTe8Qyp-YEtFybqKINksK7V103qBrqaMf09wN2GdYotGxSbtix8FKgBYReyaJGRUPccqoPt85Uunrs0ZHYiPrvP5iOTaZK6cxeOc/s1600/staub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxvIOuWhU1DBWASgG2mA05WV-93GhlCfTmsg8Z-a3DTe8Qyp-YEtFybqKINksK7V103qBrqaMf09wN2GdYotGxSbtix8FKgBYReyaJGRUPccqoPt85Uunrs0ZHYiPrvP5iOTaZK6cxeOc/s320/staub.jpg" width="209" /></a></div>There is. One Danielle Staub. And oh is she one trouble making little minx. She single handedly made watching <i>RHONJ</i> not only tolerable, but almost mandatory. First she was accused of being a husband stealer. Then it was revealed that she'd once been a stripper and a paid escort and that she'd previously been charged with extortion, cocaine possession, and conspiracy to distribute narcotics. She made one cast mate so mad that the woman flipped over an entire dinner table.<br />
<br />
You've got to love a girl like that.<br />
<br />
By the way, Danielle is now a born-again virgin. I just thought you would like to know. You know, in case you were getting any ideas.<br />
<br />
Her book comes out on May 25. I for one can't wait to read it. I'm particularly looking forward to hearing about (as promised by her publisher) "Her wild hookups with famous celebrities, including an Olympian and a <i>Miami Vice </i>star." What do you think the chances are she's talking about Tanya Harding? We can only dream.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3vqCgbQDQfJtOxV4nXIxSERkI3NnxFcIZ8gZJN0yg6PVNN18BJpbSS9kv5Xxe3vTg3Tdgvywf5oe0fHRiiYTT3vxSWzvdeYId2uZAlBYWqZ31JxhtvnWokAwQ6RgfOtC17LhSkuTvTNc/s1600/gunvalson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3vqCgbQDQfJtOxV4nXIxSERkI3NnxFcIZ8gZJN0yg6PVNN18BJpbSS9kv5Xxe3vTg3Tdgvywf5oe0fHRiiYTT3vxSWzvdeYId2uZAlBYWqZ31JxhtvnWokAwQ6RgfOtC17LhSkuTvTNc/s320/gunvalson.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>One of the Orange County housewives <i>has</i> sort of written a book. Unfortunately it's Vicki Gunvalson, who ranks just above the Countess de Lesseps and her <i>RHONY</i> pal Kelly Bensimon as one of the most grating housewife personalities. Gunvalson penned <i>More Than a Housewife</i>. But nobody wanted to publish it, so she did it herself. You can buy it on her website for a mere $24.95.<br />
<br />
Ironically, rejection by publishers may be Vicki's biggest break. By self-publishing and keeping all of the profits for herself, if she sells around 900 copies of her book she'll earn more than LuAnn has (assuming standard industry royalty rates), and selling around 2200 will allow her to surpass both the Countess and NeNe combined. She claims to have sold 1,500 already, so she's on her way.<br />
<br />
I can't be mad at Vicki, I suppose. She took matters into her own hands, and the only people to be annoyed with are the ones silly enough to give her $24.95 for advice like, "Winners of the race don't slow down."<br />
<br />
Most of these housewives, though, belong on my naughty list. Or at least the editors who bought their books do. These women don't deserve to be paid for their crap, let alone paid big money. So editors, here's some really good advice for which you don't have to pay me six or seven figures: The next time someone from a reality show pitches you an idea and you're tempted to offer her a big advance, punch yourself in the face really hard. Because that's what I would do if I were in your office.<br />
<br />
You're welcome.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-85333712622952839872010-03-22T09:48:00.001-07:002010-03-22T09:48:47.738-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD4-oeOmclD_JmdgNTe2uJYL080wRKKj_7FTHMC-tB-h2bPTx-Mv8_nLvystITCLfzZyxqw0SlTQtTSb1Yyy2H2c9cJCWLGpOdYjcd3IHXq0fyN2AjKEG8LzEEeQ7TBN1pa7yO06za-pA/s1600-h/killer-clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD4-oeOmclD_JmdgNTe2uJYL080wRKKj_7FTHMC-tB-h2bPTx-Mv8_nLvystITCLfzZyxqw0SlTQtTSb1Yyy2H2c9cJCWLGpOdYjcd3IHXq0fyN2AjKEG8LzEEeQ7TBN1pa7yO06za-pA/s400/killer-clown.jpg" width="291" /></a></div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-49249493924985846822010-03-08T00:00:00.000-08:002010-03-08T08:45:29.921-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #16: Amusement (2008)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLmAKPe5QNFySLDQzMQXHIwIIOuG_RIMFL1ZlronMtmooS6A87TEnSpdhj5Bwq1aaL7TzKb3n2IqHzDY0RYcuNBV2GqvrUmpPnW62BSgTrRqspBynHLQp5g4EMA08AG0LhPyg4y-LGyyro/s1600-h/amusement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLmAKPe5QNFySLDQzMQXHIwIIOuG_RIMFL1ZlronMtmooS6A87TEnSpdhj5Bwq1aaL7TzKb3n2IqHzDY0RYcuNBV2GqvrUmpPnW62BSgTrRqspBynHLQp5g4EMA08AG0LhPyg4y-LGyyro/s320/amusement.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>I want to start by apologizing.<br />
<br />
I was duped. Well, sort of. Do you see the cover of the <i>Amusement</i> DVD? Do you see what's on it? That's right. A clown. Now, having seen this, wouldn't you think the movie was about a clown? Of course you would. <br />
<br />
But it's really not. <i>Part</i> of it is about a clown, and admittedly that's the best part of the movie, but the movie as a whole is not about a clown. Although some people might argue that it is.<br />
<br />
Oh, it's all very confusing. <br />
<br />
Let me see if I can explain. First I will tell you that <i>Amusement</i> was written by a fellow called Jake Wade Wall, which by the way is kind of an awesome name. Sadly, Jake Wade Wall is not an awesome writer. Prior to <i>Amusement</i> his writing credits consisted of the scripts for the remakes of <i>When a Stranger Calls</i> (2006) and <i>The Hitcher</i> (2007). That will tell you something. Actually, it will tell you everything.<br />
<br />
At least <i>Amusement</i> is an original script. Well, an unoriginal original script. Because JWW basically steals parts from a whole bunch of other better horror movies to make this Frankenstein's monster of a picture.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1K1_daM2OIXfqOYgslbk2g-GaVepg4OKasDuTZwwuwh7nwAY40qEObm7r6kgMfn8DreqQEeu_jQVZ5cO8IBmghrNIuBHo3KzlSPdDvFb43sxrrU50sPcSeWXYLzEIt5bhr3hsrtxdwz2D/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.28.49+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1K1_daM2OIXfqOYgslbk2g-GaVepg4OKasDuTZwwuwh7nwAY40qEObm7r6kgMfn8DreqQEeu_jQVZ5cO8IBmghrNIuBHo3KzlSPdDvFb43sxrrU50sPcSeWXYLzEIt5bhr3hsrtxdwz2D/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.28.49+PM.png" /></a>The first 3/4 of the movie consists of three seemingly independent stories, each about a different girl. The first girl is Shelby. We know this because it says so on the screen.<br />
<br />
That's not Shelby driving. That's Rob. Her boyfriend. Shelby is the one you can barely see.<br />
<br />
Shelby and Rob are driving on a thruway somewhere. Ohio maybe. I seem to recall someone mentioning Cleveland. Anyway, Rob is driving <i>very</i> fast, only Shelby doesn't know this because she's asleep. But when she wakes up and sees just how fast Rob is going she has a fit and tells him to slow down.<br />
<br />
This is where we learn that Rob is in a convoy. Now, I know what a convoy is. It's when a bunch of truckers travel together. I know this because in 1975, when I was 7, C. W. McCall had a huge hit with the song "Convoy." It played about every two minutes on every single radio station, and I loved it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiETCDITQTFkbICj82vDKUVBWHUOc5Y8mbB6Rjd0mXhxwt1gytyXv7oaqfZEdGw5iaRp6c66OuLlMPG2j_eE6MdkBdyBrGDOJIAL2BCVwysHxZWeJ9aJCjAMhfoTeW2qv-55_vGWr6Kss_x/s1600-h/bj-bear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiETCDITQTFkbICj82vDKUVBWHUOc5Y8mbB6Rjd0mXhxwt1gytyXv7oaqfZEdGw5iaRp6c66OuLlMPG2j_eE6MdkBdyBrGDOJIAL2BCVwysHxZWeJ9aJCjAMhfoTeW2qv-55_vGWr6Kss_x/s200/bj-bear.jpg" width="166" /></a></div>I also know because I used to watch <i>B.J. and the Bear.</i> I absolutely despise chimps more than anything in the universe, especially when they're dressed up like people, but Greg Evigan's feathered hair made me forget all about how creepy the Bear was. <br />
<br />
If you are not familiar with the song "Convoy," please listen to it before continuing, as it will edumacate you.<br />
<br />
Convoy <br />
C.W. McCall<br />
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<br />
By the way, my friend Mickey had the 45 of this song. We used to alternate playing it and our second-favorite song, Chuck Berry's 1972 hit "My Ding-a-Ling," which we thought was absolutely filthy. We were also sure that our parents had no idea what the song was about because they were old and square, and we used to sing it loudly in their presence. I'm sure they thought we were high on Froot Loops.<br />
<br />
What? You don't know the song. Well, here you go. Enjoy. Feel free to sing along on the chorus.<br />
<br />
My Ding-a-Ling<br />
Chuck Berry <br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=8,0,0,0" height="36" id="divplaylist" width="470"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10661277-340&new_design=true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10661277-340&new_design=true" width="470" height="36" name="divplaylist" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object><br />
<br />
Okay, so know we all know what a convoy is. Also, a ding-a-ling. And Rob is sort of talking about the same thing. He's following a tractor trailer, and in turn is being followed by another car. This is what he calls a convoy.<br />
<br />
He implies that making a convoy is something all drivers do, and that when you find a good convoy you keep it going.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-76LbaIKmcVIPvtNErUlu_GaxJT9NNj1pX2TpYEZub18kUOKAOakLbS-POIEfDq-7h5vUW-8dB4NmTmDRiKE6tUrRRLPP5yHpQctRwQLltg774FKyxI0s7qiU-k2iSy-EPtKAIq6M7d41/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.17.51+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-76LbaIKmcVIPvtNErUlu_GaxJT9NNj1pX2TpYEZub18kUOKAOakLbS-POIEfDq-7h5vUW-8dB4NmTmDRiKE6tUrRRLPP5yHpQctRwQLltg774FKyxI0s7qiU-k2iSy-EPtKAIq6M7d41/s200/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.17.51+PM.png" width="200" /></a>Huh? Is this something new the kids are doing? And is there a point? Does it help you get better gas mileage? Does it help improve your Punch Bug skills? What? <br />
<br />
Whatever the reason, Shelby and Rob are in this convoy. So when the semi pulls off onto a kind of deserted road and Shelby thinks maybe this isn't a good idea, Rob says that obviously the trucker knows a shortcut (did I mention the thruway is closed ahead due to an accident?) and that she should really chill.<br />
<br />
Shelby feels better when the truck pulls into a gas station. There Rob acknowledges the truck driver, who is blue-collar hot and is played by Kevin Gage, who was married to Kelly Preston before John Travolta turned her into a Scientologist. Rob also makes friends with the driver of the other car, a nervous little man who talks too much. All three go into the store to pay for the gas and buy beef jerky.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhuYDPZf8sungS-P6Mh3bnLuL78FyGGQ6cSts6NeRIdR5X3kfLS2JTm102OYBPZE7ZL7x5X2_Hlakb4Dn_aM-Cv78qwHiOdIWljzP41wliaSV1GG8oZI4H40m_uCYN8Ok7XyJTDlGsWWgJ/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.19.05+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhuYDPZf8sungS-P6Mh3bnLuL78FyGGQ6cSts6NeRIdR5X3kfLS2JTm102OYBPZE7ZL7x5X2_Hlakb4Dn_aM-Cv78qwHiOdIWljzP41wliaSV1GG8oZI4H40m_uCYN8Ok7XyJTDlGsWWgJ/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.19.05+PM.png" /></a></div>Shelby, meanwhile, is waiting in the car, which doesn't ring true to me because every woman I've ever taken a long drive with has peed at every single stop. But maybe she has a thing about peeing in public restrooms and as a result has developed amazing bladder control. Or maybe she pees in a funnel attached to a hose that empties through a hole in the floor, like Matthew McConaughey does in his van. Anyway, when she glances over at the truck she sees a girl's face in the back window. Just for a second. Then the trucker reappears and the girl ducks out of sight. This is how we know Something Odd is going on.<br />
<br />
Shelby of course tells Rob about the girl, and Rob of course doesn't believe her, which is stupid because why would she make something like that up? He begins to believe her a little while later when they're once again driving behind the semi and the girl reappears holding a sign that says HELP ME on it. And he <i>really</i> believes her when the girl suddenly flies out of the truck and smacks into their windshield. This is what that looks like.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Wh1rhYWTx2kWLWSMXclBzrjlipY0_9KaZJlzGgdI8UIDo0cQ4uP1O02GMTDMGm86cVZKwhmidYHe7UbY0iXupuCEHgunbP-deDP7VlkvAu-uPFI_VB7gxy6QjY0zSvfdmneMFvyuq02w/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.16.26+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Wh1rhYWTx2kWLWSMXclBzrjlipY0_9KaZJlzGgdI8UIDo0cQ4uP1O02GMTDMGm86cVZKwhmidYHe7UbY0iXupuCEHgunbP-deDP7VlkvAu-uPFI_VB7gxy6QjY0zSvfdmneMFvyuq02w/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.16.26+PM.png" /></a>Naturally, they stop to make sure the poor thing is all right, which she isn't. Little Nervous Guy stops too, and says that he'll stay with Shelby and the Human Moth while Rob chases down the truck to get its license plate number. Never mind that he's been driving behind the truck for hours and has had ample opportunity to memorize the plate already, which I myself do just in case the car ahead of me does something stupid and I need to be able to give the info to the police. But perhaps Rob was never a Cub Scout, as I was, and therefore never learned to be prepared. However, I bet <i>he</i> never suffered the humiliation of placing dead last in a Pinewood Derby, so perhaps it's a tradeoff. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRnPlcR40IEmC3HqjZCrpCpkmfHE5w7JKv2lz13KopvaY4iXuD0W-daUUD3L4ILHNwFttqD0vHrPqdTtujxccsEDirAYO3e3AYkdWXr_r9wGGzkApVFWcuJPiMzd1SP4VUQHvylbAtuqHn/s1600-h/truck+chases.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRnPlcR40IEmC3HqjZCrpCpkmfHE5w7JKv2lz13KopvaY4iXuD0W-daUUD3L4ILHNwFttqD0vHrPqdTtujxccsEDirAYO3e3AYkdWXr_r9wGGzkApVFWcuJPiMzd1SP4VUQHvylbAtuqHn/s640/truck+chases.jpg" width="211" /></a></div>Moving on.<br />
<br />
Off Rob goes after the truck, which of course involves speeding along windy dirt roads through a forest. And of course he manages to lose the truck. But then he finds it again. Only he's gotten out of his car to yell at the forest and now the truck has turned around and is heading at him. This part looks very much like a lot of other things, including the video for Metallica's "Enter Sandman," the bit in <i>Terminator</i> where Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn run from Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the bit in <i>Terminator 2</i> where the T-1000 chases Edward Furlong along that canal thing.<br />
<br />
See for yourself.<br />
<br />
Not that I'm complaining. It's very dramatic. But haven't we seen it enough? I mean, come on, Jake Wade Wall. Come up with something new to entertain us. You've already used the creepy (but hot) truck driver, the detour down a deserted road, and the girl flying out of the truck.<br />
<br />
Okay, that part was novel. But this all still feels a little too familiar.<br />
<br />
Rob manages to get back to his car without being squashed, and the truck roars by him. He follows, and eventually manages to crash into a parked tractor. I know. But he's freaked out, so cut him some slack.<br />
<br />
Now he's back where he started. But guess who's missing? That's right. Shelby and the Human Moth. And Little Nervous Guy is lying face down in the road.<br />
<br />
Rob asks Little Nervous Guy what happened, and LNG tells him that the trucker attacked them and took the girls to a housey-shacky kind of thing a little ways off, where he's doing who knows what to them RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.<br />
<br />
So off Rob and LNG go to the housey-shacky thing. And sure enough, creepy (but hot) trucker guy is in there. He's talking to someone on the phone, and we hear him say something about "taking her to rehab." Which makes us wonder about the girl on the windshield and just exactly why and how she flew out the window.<br />
<br />
While this is happening LNG is sneaking up on the porch while Rob waits in the car. And by the expression on LNG's face we know we've misjudged some peoples' characters. Although we sort of suspected this before because the whole creepy (but hot) truck driver thing is too obvious.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggCZMdsaw6_BvFyHaj3L9895iJDV1RkoOf-EjcrY5dC26bxZePWxeVbd3MT6kK-Z9Xt80GrAoFXcj6nGsulxYCpwn-L2Vib0JO5SWRWOP7gnUTa1-DNhnVbQJ7HBguSbkyzEyyeut2KZ_l/s1600-h/trio+of+faces.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggCZMdsaw6_BvFyHaj3L9895iJDV1RkoOf-EjcrY5dC26bxZePWxeVbd3MT6kK-Z9Xt80GrAoFXcj6nGsulxYCpwn-L2Vib0JO5SWRWOP7gnUTa1-DNhnVbQJ7HBguSbkyzEyyeut2KZ_l/s400/trio+of+faces.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>Not that what happens next isn't. Just as truck driver guy comes out of the house and is whacked with a hammer by LNG, Rob hears a noise and turns to see something in the back seat covered by a blanket. He pulls the blanket back and sees this.<br />
<br />
And then he's all like this.<br />
<br />
And we're shocked--SHOCKED.<br />
<br />
Only we're not.<br />
<br />
Then Rob decides he should start the car and get out of there. Only the keys aren't in the ignition. Why?<br />
<br />
Because they're here.<br />
So that's how <i>that</i> ends.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gXQO-bFgC04wWgErdPnTKKtsjwvBTU1XPZDEGoRCO87-UjqcipH8V3C57fAofV1RILJDl92-Es0-X96cMYlXnerJwpXE9Zz7RSlWnPq_Orn9iaFJGru7pspo1z8LLkJHwLmu-Dzw4Ngl/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.28.00+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3gXQO-bFgC04wWgErdPnTKKtsjwvBTU1XPZDEGoRCO87-UjqcipH8V3C57fAofV1RILJDl92-Es0-X96cMYlXnerJwpXE9Zz7RSlWnPq_Orn9iaFJGru7pspo1z8LLkJHwLmu-Dzw4Ngl/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.28.00+PM.png" width="320" /></a> The second story is about Tabitha. Again we know this because it's written on the screen.<br />
<br />
Tabitha has arrived at her sister's house. She's there to babysit two little boys, Thing 1 and Thing 2. No, I don't know where her sister is. Tahiti, maybe. Or an Avon convention in Boca.<br />
<br />
You know that any horror story involving babysitting is not going to end well. You especially know this when the screenwriter of the movie you're watching also wrote the screenplay for the remake of <i>When a Stranger Calls</i>, which is all <i>about</i> babysitting gone wrong.<br />
<br />
But Tabitha is pretty and we have nothing else to do, so we continue to watch. Tabitha finds it odd when she asks the boys where the sitter who was supposed to be there until Tabitha arrived but isn't is and they say she's gone. Then they giggle and bounce up and down on the couch, which along with the fact that they both have bowl haircuts makes them supremely creepy.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBOefKaqs1pzkbNsv8t_xqXub7jQcIau_kdsz6o7owEvtalUKnf4DWbc2uH9eqEQyw94M0zF_sbFIVS8JDe1-0ZO0QByQzNGN2LtftGAaQRVxsWPWhI4ZTxD5oIVFj8CjxYK_CzaqUXEzz/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.29.12+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBOefKaqs1pzkbNsv8t_xqXub7jQcIau_kdsz6o7owEvtalUKnf4DWbc2uH9eqEQyw94M0zF_sbFIVS8JDe1-0ZO0QByQzNGN2LtftGAaQRVxsWPWhI4ZTxD5oIVFj8CjxYK_CzaqUXEzz/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.29.12+PM.png" /></a>The evening is pretty routine. Tabitha feeds the boys. She makes herself a sandwich and looks like this when she eats it, proving that even pretty girls have moments they'd rather you didn't see.<br />
<br />
She also answers the door and sees some guy in a hoodie standing there. He says his name is Owen and he's the other babysitter's boyfriend and he's worried because she missed cheerleading practice and does Tabitha maybe know where she is? And Tabitha says no and shuts the door, which is smart. Also, it's raining. Because it always rains in horror movies.<br />
<br />
Now Tabitha feels she needs a glass of wine, and I think she's entitled to that because babysitting is <i>hard work.</i> Although she might have reconsidered taking the wine upstairs with her when she goes to check on Thing 1 and Thing 2, because drinking in front of kids is bad and they can get drunk off the alcohol on your breath and turn into boozers. Everyone knows that.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVndXKskB-F7Uhz9p7ORsGJACfeU4rFR88SxDm20UNKbXndSzGZBPZcMJvwMvj9R6eyWMhLJXwGN9vvUg2KgEtHYvQuu0ooYA_6eIKanB_KqlzJTYhkrUQ_ljNtsnYN2cYr5m_V0FNz4Oa/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.30.52+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVndXKskB-F7Uhz9p7ORsGJACfeU4rFR88SxDm20UNKbXndSzGZBPZcMJvwMvj9R6eyWMhLJXwGN9vvUg2KgEtHYvQuu0ooYA_6eIKanB_KqlzJTYhkrUQ_ljNtsnYN2cYr5m_V0FNz4Oa/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.30.52+PM.png" /></a></div>But Tabitha drinks in front of them anyway, which causes Thing 2 to announce that he's just farted. Then Tabitha puts the two of them to bed before trotting down the hall to the guest room.<br />
<br />
And this is when we finally get a clown. Although it's taken a long time, it's worth it because the clown is super creepy. He's life-size, and he's sitting in a rocking chair holding one of those little accordions clowns and people with monkeys play.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifmlo4r2xTbrUbKi2zaoXvOzlwGyjeafuvwhf8qlYkKCoAONfnIVQzE3JIma59V97AbHjgyr0KqpOurqvR0G8L5nxpeJCDEgsmlIKbeCkGaWJIBJ7FYgwDVDowPi8uUZ3IM-_T28vF3LMQ/s1600-h/screenshot_08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifmlo4r2xTbrUbKi2zaoXvOzlwGyjeafuvwhf8qlYkKCoAONfnIVQzE3JIma59V97AbHjgyr0KqpOurqvR0G8L5nxpeJCDEgsmlIKbeCkGaWJIBJ7FYgwDVDowPi8uUZ3IM-_T28vF3LMQ/s320/screenshot_08.jpg" /></a>He's not the only clown, either. The room is chock full of them. There must be a million. Or at least a thousand. Or maybe a hundred. Anyway, they're everywhere, and this is not a good decorating choice if you want people to actually <i>stay</i> in a room. It is, however, an excellent choice if you want to freak people out and make them leave early. Which is something to keep in mind because one day it might come in handy.<br />
<br />
It's not every day you see a life-size clown in a rocking chair, so you know this is significant. And if you have even half a brain or have seen even half of any horror movie, you know what's coming.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWuW5YDGtfBYLkOjoYf7lWSvacFd6FSaBNQwZZlPbG3bGr5_Tc8HpV60Hbt8N8mBzprkkgEUaS31szNgWC33NRX8wbXyempd8QjKwJTRbgUEhbqIAzzR5AacnK__qQ43dFZwjQau72Emhyphenhyphen/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.33.04+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWuW5YDGtfBYLkOjoYf7lWSvacFd6FSaBNQwZZlPbG3bGr5_Tc8HpV60Hbt8N8mBzprkkgEUaS31szNgWC33NRX8wbXyempd8QjKwJTRbgUEhbqIAzzR5AacnK__qQ43dFZwjQau72Emhyphenhyphen/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.33.04+PM.png" /></a></div>Before it comes, though, Tabitha has to strip to her underpants. Because she's modest she turns away from the clowns when she does this, but we know the big one is totally watching her. Also, we are kind of amazed at how ugly her underwear is. We were kind of expecting a thong or something.<br />
<br />
Tabitha herself suspects that something isn't right about that clown, and at one point she even thinks about looking beneath its mask. But of course she doesn't. Instead, she goes to sleep. That's when the clown finally moves, turning its head to look at her. But because we figured this would happen all along it doesn't make much of an impression one way or the other.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg59zI171udFJP50dMExLReldi3az-One5q93jxqKK4NT1eCI3Sr4kYSj27WURT5hj1GuMoeRHmuG_TlHw2BexQW6A35hCcXquPjnRjsc5ut8gIwutkYKgi-ndu1g5f5VsaqiVul3pUb1ev/s1600-h/screenshot_09.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg59zI171udFJP50dMExLReldi3az-One5q93jxqKK4NT1eCI3Sr4kYSj27WURT5hj1GuMoeRHmuG_TlHw2BexQW6A35hCcXquPjnRjsc5ut8gIwutkYKgi-ndu1g5f5VsaqiVul3pUb1ev/s320/screenshot_09.jpg" /></a>Sometime in the night the phone rings, which wakes Tabitha up. The phone happens to be handily located in the hall, so that when Tabitha talks to her sister and tells her that everything is fine but the giant clown in her room kind of freaks her out and her sister says what giant clown I have no idea what you're talking about, Tabitha can slowly turn around and see that the rocking chair in the guest room is empty.<br />
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Now there's a lot of running, as in Tabitha running into Thing 1 and Thing 2's room and yelling that someone is in the house. That's when Thing 1 tells her to stop freaking out because it's just Owen and he's playing a game with them and Tabitha--who has lived a little longer than Thing 1 and Thing 2 and therefore knows when people like Owen have told lies to small children--freaks out some more. Also, she makes a mental note to have a talk with Thing 1 and Thing 2 when this is all over, both about talking to strangers and about fibbing.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv11MtQzWTQs0TdBdvqybqbgQcb7ZInd-7d9wuz58Vk-G1aWVNXWxlZ8lCeZH53-ay6YvyyZJCDc6XVHA3hmnnc4qi0dTCzOSGlF0a5ud8SSo9NSCgLqgCxT_jdsAzU1ugRaVC3rhSUT2o/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.47.25+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv11MtQzWTQs0TdBdvqybqbgQcb7ZInd-7d9wuz58Vk-G1aWVNXWxlZ8lCeZH53-ay6YvyyZJCDc6XVHA3hmnnc4qi0dTCzOSGlF0a5ud8SSo9NSCgLqgCxT_jdsAzU1ugRaVC3rhSUT2o/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.47.25+PM.png" /></a></div>First, though, the clown pushes some knives through the bedroom door, which lets Tabitha know he means business. These knives are attached to a glove of some sort and are very intimidating. As a result, there's a lot of yelling and pushing around of furniture. Then Tabitha realizes that there's a window and she sends the boys out it and down a trellis just in time.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>She also makes it out just in time herself, only the clown lunges at her and she slips off the trellis and lands on her back. But she's plucky and she gets up and runs into a tool shed to hide.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlw4UIeF5kBniAHsXGtTk6k0c2FHY4EHSe0mmyM3c0nyd0ylelAhHXIpzAGm5QFfwUi4obsoe2scTI6jIzS9y8s3xh237nD2yjvl8CBdQM2JBgH1U5_MPMy_gLYbGgFbel_YjL4t3u1ppp/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.52.23+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlw4UIeF5kBniAHsXGtTk6k0c2FHY4EHSe0mmyM3c0nyd0ylelAhHXIpzAGm5QFfwUi4obsoe2scTI6jIzS9y8s3xh237nD2yjvl8CBdQM2JBgH1U5_MPMy_gLYbGgFbel_YjL4t3u1ppp/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.52.23+PM.png" /></a></div>Only someone is already hiding in the tool shed. It's the other babysitter. (I remember her name now. It's June.) And June is dead. I bet you weren't expecting that. Okay, you totally were. But Tabitha wasn't, so she screams. This relieves some stress and also is helpful in letting the clown know where she is.<br />
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And that's how <i>that</i> ends.<br />
<br />
Only it doesn't. See, when we return from the fade to black Tabitha has somehow survived and is in a room being questioned by a guy in an FBI hat. Only he's not being particularly nice given that she's just been chased by a clown and still seems out of it. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVf3a-Hr1qimioxdKPAgTUyXSd_ZviVucm77yvAY-qIyStdTbeswLF6KrUyhr9aw3Y_FX2PePYUlE2CUpc4i8nr5-s4Ae-uUSKnZYu3Foh7n8_5tmuK_QwxzVDEIn6mYzoshqAm4wR-3Ce/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.02.50+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVf3a-Hr1qimioxdKPAgTUyXSd_ZviVucm77yvAY-qIyStdTbeswLF6KrUyhr9aw3Y_FX2PePYUlE2CUpc4i8nr5-s4Ae-uUSKnZYu3Foh7n8_5tmuK_QwxzVDEIn6mYzoshqAm4wR-3Ce/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.02.50+PM.png" /></a></div>The man asks Tabitha if she remembers anything and she shakes her head and he leaves. That's when she <i>does</i> remember something. It's someone laughing. And suddenly we are flung back in time to when Tabitha was maybe nine or ten years old. She's standing in a schoolyard with two other girls and a boy. The boy is telling them that he'll show them his after they show him their boxes.<br />
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He means <i>dioramas.</i> See, each of them has made a big box inside of which is some kind of scene. You look at the scene through a hole in the box. Cute, right?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ1_aDzbCw7cpIbW2aH4AeqV4v5Kr21brpe7t3IECx-6t4Gt6gP0mMrEAP4ANrl9Y6E1BPrsOH4Sx03-LAiPf6ybVndM7FuMa3-MAP0is0Y0Er6LHlvVoMlCFhtbwSCdvqxSZzY1nY1BYQ/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.57.17+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ1_aDzbCw7cpIbW2aH4AeqV4v5Kr21brpe7t3IECx-6t4Gt6gP0mMrEAP4ANrl9Y6E1BPrsOH4Sx03-LAiPf6ybVndM7FuMa3-MAP0is0Y0Er6LHlvVoMlCFhtbwSCdvqxSZzY1nY1BYQ/s200/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.57.17+PM.png" width="200" /></a></div>The first box we see belongs to Tabitha. Inside of her box is a circus scene featuring clowns. Do you sense that this might be important?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSLB3Jeai_r1yR9ZFYhEULUnrxZtY_0Xh1lR37swb77DHM5r4cbBZUK-Hp11n9-MyKuDOaJnUvJPSzRF3SvDRZv0iqjB2yqJ5Z65m1osuY2D2CeFxtsi2xH3E17FMrbt478WweOG4_HpBI/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.59.13+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSLB3Jeai_r1yR9ZFYhEULUnrxZtY_0Xh1lR37swb77DHM5r4cbBZUK-Hp11n9-MyKuDOaJnUvJPSzRF3SvDRZv0iqjB2yqJ5Z65m1osuY2D2CeFxtsi2xH3E17FMrbt478WweOG4_HpBI/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.59.13+PM.png" /></a>It is. Also important is what is inside the other girls' boxes. The second one contains this. A car on a country road rushing past a speed limit sign. Does that remind you of anything?<br />
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Would it help if I told you that the little girl's name is Shelby?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD0E5S_1Ej5eNTWDYMDevFJQXckaREDc-c_obwOZMhGj9yrC0_NaUKoMnOH6zkRLs8DoK3TAokt0WTfjgPesB-qYV0dTm9o02jfQOyANIPCBTpIjpkmw_dthy2-EArRJAW34_-9M2x3MmL/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.59.36+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD0E5S_1Ej5eNTWDYMDevFJQXckaREDc-c_obwOZMhGj9yrC0_NaUKoMnOH6zkRLs8DoK3TAokt0WTfjgPesB-qYV0dTm9o02jfQOyANIPCBTpIjpkmw_dthy2-EArRJAW34_-9M2x3MmL/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+6.59.36+PM.png" /></a></div>But who is that third girl? Her name is Lisa. When the little boy peeps inside <i>her</i> box he sees this. He doesn't understand what it is, so he asks and Lisa informs him that it's a slumber party. File that away for later reference.<br />
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The question right now is, who's the boy? We don't know. But he has a box too, and now it's time to look inside it. Tabitha gets the honors, and this is what she sees.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmdtHz9iGjKfKCGCm-gf7e9AsXZfQZcbWX1A3kcspvptSsSz79wGx2necZEt0ylRcFS0nfhqxiE1-DsSCl3458jrIm54iug8Uoj0jQvidqFpnMJzs9RNfvejgtTTMrsdSm_iKKtmgNo5_H/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.02.07+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmdtHz9iGjKfKCGCm-gf7e9AsXZfQZcbWX1A3kcspvptSsSz79wGx2necZEt0ylRcFS0nfhqxiE1-DsSCl3458jrIm54iug8Uoj0jQvidqFpnMJzs9RNfvejgtTTMrsdSm_iKKtmgNo5_H/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.02.07+PM.png" /></a></div>No, it isn't a Nine Inch Nails video. It's a poor little squirrel (or maybe a rat, I don't remember what kind of tail it had), cut open and with its eyes and mouth sewn shut but still alive. "Isn't it funny?" the boy asks, laughing.<br />
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But Tabitha doesn't think it's at all funny and she says so. It's also pretty clear that she's going to tell the teacher in about two seconds.<br />
<br />
Then we're back in the present and Tabitha is all grown up again and a woman comes in who tells Tabitha that she's a therapist of some kind who has been called in to help Tabitha get over her horrible clown trauma. She also informs Tabitha that Shelby is in the building after being rescued from a crazed killer. Oh, and by the way, does she know a girl named Lisa? Because Lisa is there too.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZcRY7C9LEOvJGjgyDILM-8YgYWM_HW-r0AP8fdFYrhcTxvz5wjhXhVdCu5Mu3ytyoMXqNB6vsx8VOaNMG8_n65XephZgyeSzX-AdA0BGwYVWtuEU38LMT5WeOhlRSMVDGhkI7fc5z43FT/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.35.01+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZcRY7C9LEOvJGjgyDILM-8YgYWM_HW-r0AP8fdFYrhcTxvz5wjhXhVdCu5Mu3ytyoMXqNB6vsx8VOaNMG8_n65XephZgyeSzX-AdA0BGwYVWtuEU38LMT5WeOhlRSMVDGhkI7fc5z43FT/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.35.01+PM.png" /></a></div>Now we get to see Lisa's story.<br />
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It opens in a bar. Lisa is there with her best friend and roommate, Cat. Cat's the one with the pony tail. Lisa is the one with the word <i>Lisa</i> underneath her.<br />
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Cat has met a really nice guy, and she's maybe kinda thinking of hooking up with him. But she's a good girl and doesn't do that kind of thing.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqEaZAVSsDiQy1ngGwpNumHWoGfKEVTPhfMI-02ElSckNys4bHV9Xjbx8A8udkDa1cdjvNE-iU7OAqP3i6E5wiXArXoPkE3-Uk78p5GygmwVENg2YEm_S0CGk5bM3JsfkeaMsJbKnXePto/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.35.45+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqEaZAVSsDiQy1ngGwpNumHWoGfKEVTPhfMI-02ElSckNys4bHV9Xjbx8A8udkDa1cdjvNE-iU7OAqP3i6E5wiXArXoPkE3-Uk78p5GygmwVENg2YEm_S0CGk5bM3JsfkeaMsJbKnXePto/s200/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.35.45+PM.png" width="200" /></a></div>Here's the guy.<br />
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Cat says he's dreamy, but we'll have to take her word for it because we never see his face. Often when that happens in horror films it's a clue that the faceless character might not be as dreamy as the girl thinks he is. But maybe this time it will be different.<br />
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Only it's not. Cat assures Lisa that she won't do anything stupid. She's just going to hang around for a little chat and then have the guy drive her back to the apartment she shares with Lisa. Lisa is cool with this and leaves with her own boyfriend, whose name is Dan.<br />
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Dan and Lisa go to Ikea to look for a Poäng armchair (not really, but they apparently go somewhere for an hour or two) and then Dan drops Lisa off at her apartment. But when Lisa goes in, there's no Cat. Not in the bedroom. Not in the bathroom. Not behind the sofa. Lisa assumes that Cat has decided to not be a good girl anymore, so she calls Dan and tells him to turn around and get his ass back to her apartment so that <i>she</i> can not be a good girl. And if right now you're remembering that her diorama involved a sleepover, you're very clever.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiil4TlYythqK34WKqM69XmlSOT9vrHv8iVESuL097mk_3QMDi_woF_bgn2ZGdnUJmslgUji-jg3HYc_ClVd8-kPh4Zpm5w8kKGTU5DFEWfAOplM31cA5KQXZghncAZ-lzGh8wtzBGjSbBy/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.36.35+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiil4TlYythqK34WKqM69XmlSOT9vrHv8iVESuL097mk_3QMDi_woF_bgn2ZGdnUJmslgUji-jg3HYc_ClVd8-kPh4Zpm5w8kKGTU5DFEWfAOplM31cA5KQXZghncAZ-lzGh8wtzBGjSbBy/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.36.35+PM.png" /></a></div>The next morning Lisa wakes up and still doesn't feel good about Cat not coming home. She insists that Dan come with her to see if Cat is at the guy's place. By the way, he happens to live in this amazingly creepy (meaning awesome) old hotel/boarding house kind of place. And when I say awesome I mean <i>awesome.</i> If you're into creepy old mansions. Which I totally am.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdHPDkOWbGez8sesQlv5AF_Ea83YZb3DZ4E_1Vml9BV-Opup5axzD3UWH25cM8oNh1q5yM6N9yuKN9FYQkwkZyZd61IRk3amkCi5bMQhlqj-5Nk1obNEJDGOkoQCrlZnAnZCO-wsScGfc/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-04+at+8.40.43+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVdHPDkOWbGez8sesQlv5AF_Ea83YZb3DZ4E_1Vml9BV-Opup5axzD3UWH25cM8oNh1q5yM6N9yuKN9FYQkwkZyZd61IRk3amkCi5bMQhlqj-5Nk1obNEJDGOkoQCrlZnAnZCO-wsScGfc/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-04+at+8.40.43+AM.png" /></a></div>Lisa hangs around outside the house for a while, waiting for someone to come in or out. When no one does she knocks on the door, which is opened by a freaky little man who tells her that there are no rooms available, which isn't what she wanted to know and is therefore frustrating. He also says he hasn't seen her friend, which <i>is</i> what she wanted to know but is possibly even more frustrating than learning that the place is full up.<br />
<br />
Lisa decides to wait around some more. When a long time has gone by and no one has entered or left the house, she convinces Dan (who works for the health department) to pretend to be an inspector and talk his way into the house. He resists, but he knows he'll never have sex again if he doesn't do it, at least not with Lisa, so he gives in.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEaHkv9XOwONKoDE6MrzbIEz-g1RwVvtj7yviCrtyHOgCKlBrSzvuKobt5h4V8eCg4AVXQ_FI6-JG3kWd9ObADE0trLXog_IP6uFBIPS6VAHLhm-kjswOeVjk-LAU7_doluJiIVSUfinEx/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.40.03+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEaHkv9XOwONKoDE6MrzbIEz-g1RwVvtj7yviCrtyHOgCKlBrSzvuKobt5h4V8eCg4AVXQ_FI6-JG3kWd9ObADE0trLXog_IP6uFBIPS6VAHLhm-kjswOeVjk-LAU7_doluJiIVSUfinEx/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.40.03+PM.png" /></a></div>Freaky Little Man lets Dan in. Now, if you or I were let into a creepy old mansion by this guy, we probably wouldn't stay long. But Dan doesn't seem to think there's anything amiss, despite the fact that there's no one else in the place and it's supposedly all booked up.<br />
<br />
In fact, he seems to think Freaky Little Man is kind of interesting in a quirky way. Which is why he thinks nothing of it when the fellow tells him to look into the opening of this really bizarre antique music box type contraption that sits in the mansion's living room. This is a bad decision, as Dan ends up getting speared through the eye and dying.<br />
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Lisa, who is waiting outside, starts to worry when nine or ten hours go by and Dan hasn't emerged from the house. But rather than getting help she decides to save time and sneak into the house herself. She manages this rather easily, and is now free to roam around the house looking for signs of Dan and/or Cat.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWLMrmv18e_MISLvUJuAIYVa24OzME2uzVcKuUDqGW7U2UGh2Ys4J3OSRgwdIK3pyOn5lxnb9bc-uMWT618cRdVLgTAVQMJfR4ndzP9i0JQLhwns5eA2Uj7hIqz7KwJHDdkqsTAjRaHcrP/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.41.54+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWLMrmv18e_MISLvUJuAIYVa24OzME2uzVcKuUDqGW7U2UGh2Ys4J3OSRgwdIK3pyOn5lxnb9bc-uMWT618cRdVLgTAVQMJfR4ndzP9i0JQLhwns5eA2Uj7hIqz7KwJHDdkqsTAjRaHcrP/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.41.54+PM.png" /></a></div>Instead she finds a deaf person of indeterminate gender sitting on a cot in an upstairs room that's filled with other cots. Realizing that the person can't hear, Lisa speaks VERY LOUDLY, because that's what you do when speaking to deaf people. Also, foreigners.<br />
<br />
Lisa is convinced that yelling is the best course of action, particularly as it can't possibly alert Freaky Little Man to her presence. But the deaf person--who isn't entirely deaf but only kind of--hasn't seen Dan and/or Cat either, so that went nowhere.<br />
<br />
Shortly thereafter they hear someone coming and the not-deaf person starts gibbering about Lisa having to hide. Lisa lies down on a cot and her helpful new friend pulls a sheet across it to hide her from view.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9_OerhHHw8RHWmIAGup03lW7HT8bjpyGtdhoVhQ9xIGQYOn89EKvpzrGyfKuE4Yx8gSSUTdyErUn3dki3Z63XSlar-eCf2vb4G4vhvakyQ138kkQ1IYXx2hyDiWjHZGvVbmYTh_NLytX/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.44.39+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9_OerhHHw8RHWmIAGup03lW7HT8bjpyGtdhoVhQ9xIGQYOn89EKvpzrGyfKuE4Yx8gSSUTdyErUn3dki3Z63XSlar-eCf2vb4G4vhvakyQ138kkQ1IYXx2hyDiWjHZGvVbmYTh_NLytX/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.44.39+PM.png" /></a></div>But something isn't quite right about the cot. It's lumpy. Lisa wonders why this is, so she pulls back the blanket and sees something disturbing. It's Cat, sewn into the bed and trussed up like some kind of turducken.<br />
<br />
This doesn't sit well with Lisa, who gets up and runs around the room pulling the blankets off all the beds and finding mummified corpses in each of them. This nasty surprise gets worse when she turns and finds her new buddy standing behind her, laughing crazily and holding a knife. At that point she realizes that Freaky Little Man is a master of disguise, but it's too late.<br />
<br />
Repeat after me: So that's how <i>that</i> ends. My ding-a-ling.<br />
<br />
Now we're back with Tabitha and the therapist, who is stunned to discover that Tabitha, Lisa, and Shelby went to school together. If you're also thinking that this is all a little coincidental, it gets better. When Tabitha mentions the town the girls grew up in, the therapist gets a weird look on her face. It turns out that years ago she had a patient--a little boy--who was insane. He had a very distinctive laugh. You know, kind of like the little boy in Tabitha's flashback. And the Little Nervous Guy from Shelby's story. And the loon from Lisa's story. Oh, and he lived in the girls' town too.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Now the therapist--who doesn't work for the FBI and was just responding to a call from <i>someone</i> seeking her assistance with counseling three traumatized girls--is freaked out and says she has to make a call. She leaves the door to the room open, and Tabitha decides enough is enough and goes out into the hall. It suddenly occurs to her that this is a really odd place for being an FBI office, and she thinks that maybe she's being had. Which occurred to us about twenty minutes earlier when <i>we</i> noticed that the supposed FBI office looked more like a basement torture chamber than a government building.<br />
<br />
Then Tabitha notices the therapist dead on the floor and the FBI agent who was questioning her earlier kneeling over the body. That's when she finally sees his face.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2PAMvfptSBdcjQeAmFOySxn0co2O583xA1UlQKz8xOTAYVT-A_ndDcmxcuL2dfZrH1-YNWh2ZvsN3b5bQcgQDxPpW9PkDAE3lfrrvFDC4AMlLBWAy-os_c_J19bKLn5dxiGb8S6zC3JiK/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.45.13+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2PAMvfptSBdcjQeAmFOySxn0co2O583xA1UlQKz8xOTAYVT-A_ndDcmxcuL2dfZrH1-YNWh2ZvsN3b5bQcgQDxPpW9PkDAE3lfrrvFDC4AMlLBWAy-os_c_J19bKLn5dxiGb8S6zC3JiK/s200/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.45.13+PM.png" width="200" /></a></div>Here he is. Does he look familiar? Like if you shaved off Little Nervous Guy's mustache, would he look like this? And if you took the surgical mask off of Little Freaky Guy, would he look like this? And if you cleaned up looney tunes from the attic, would it look like this? Oh, and if you turned the guy in the club around so you could see his face, do you think he would look like this?<br />
<br />
I do.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip9c5Q-6fzfchqhYaUMPxTHNYhwI7NIQHAVGCY7Dzxf7ZQLvW4UaqXC3q3dWnCgDzrOrV9hRZ3kJ_8uXH1GeLe5W2FH-gSsa5g5TQGWFZ1Hq8B0CDCYpdG_GucH799ihK8s517Nj92TE9j/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+8.00.17+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip9c5Q-6fzfchqhYaUMPxTHNYhwI7NIQHAVGCY7Dzxf7ZQLvW4UaqXC3q3dWnCgDzrOrV9hRZ3kJ_8uXH1GeLe5W2FH-gSsa5g5TQGWFZ1Hq8B0CDCYpdG_GucH799ihK8s517Nj92TE9j/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+8.00.17+PM.png" /></a>In case you're curious, this is what he looks like when he's just being actor Keir O'Donnell. Now you know why Cat wanted to go home with him.<br />
<br />
But he's not Keir O'Donnell now, he's The Laugh. Yes, that's what he's named in the credits. The Laugh. Make of it what you will.<br />
<br />
Okay, so now Tabitha realizes she's dealing with The Laugh. She runs. He chases her. She ends up in this weird room made of glass walls. Then the lights go on and she sees Lisa and Shelby on either side of her.<br />
<br />
Like this.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioBzH0uf4rtr2qsHpo46hQ-u9YErLkM5MeRF3h1ye9Ew0BipHSzbai3-mIu2TA3cZw4m2a1fD0f_2UCj0AkfXvteRKq7y1_WuW5NhlPFco2qeMv0nO68ElzAokv_-tSScKesbZSycAs2Py/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.11.33+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioBzH0uf4rtr2qsHpo46hQ-u9YErLkM5MeRF3h1ye9Ew0BipHSzbai3-mIu2TA3cZw4m2a1fD0f_2UCj0AkfXvteRKq7y1_WuW5NhlPFco2qeMv0nO68ElzAokv_-tSScKesbZSycAs2Py/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.11.33+PM.png" /></a></div>Look! They're squirrel-rats!But as impressive as this is visually, it's just like something out of <i>Saw</i> and that kind of takes away from the ooooooh factor.<br />
<br />
You know the drill. The Laugh saunters in and taunts the girls. Tabitha cleverly pretends to go along with him and laughs when he reveals the one genuinely surprising thing in the movie--that the girls aren't really splayed open. They're wearing shirts made to look like it! You know, like those tuxedo shirts that make you look like you're wearing a tuxedo! Only cooler!<br />
<br />
The Laugh buys Tabitha's act and moves in for the kiss. Tabitha stabs him. She unties her friends. The Laugh recovers in time to stab Lisa, so one down and two to go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiis3UUVqsXLIWnJGOoweqMJnI319Sr1dnHXnqV0wlHDxIoEAxQDlqCIB8iXYvJYSehWOxiGt9afU7UCYwqh0hiZa5LKB2WWcQ8_W0sOKfI_JQqqwyYG-ztyVrpEM-vtkKfD6Y1LypKLYF5/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.48.51+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiis3UUVqsXLIWnJGOoweqMJnI319Sr1dnHXnqV0wlHDxIoEAxQDlqCIB8iXYvJYSehWOxiGt9afU7UCYwqh0hiZa5LKB2WWcQ8_W0sOKfI_JQqqwyYG-ztyVrpEM-vtkKfD6Y1LypKLYF5/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.48.51+PM.png" /></a></div>Tabitha and Shelby run for their little lives and find a ladder that they can climb, although they don't know where it goes. So they climb and climb and climb and The Laugh climbs after them. Naturally this can only end one way, which it does when The Laugh grabs Shelby's foot and pulls her off the ladder.<br />
<br />
Now it's just Tabitha vs The Laugh, which is totally fitting because remember she's the one who told him his squirrel-rat diorama was serial killer weird and he hasn't forgotten that, not one bit. Which we know because he totally arranged the whole convoy thing, found a trucker who was carrying some girl to rehab who he knew would jump out the window, and also caused a major accident on the thruway <i>ahead</i> of the convoy to force them onto a deserted road, all of which made it possible for him to get Shelby. And he totally faked out Thing 1 and Thing 2 so that they let him into the house so he could dress up like one of the clowns in Tabitha's diorama and scare the higgledyboo out of her. And he totally rented that weird old mansion and sexed up Lisa's roommate because he knew it would lure Lisa to the house.<br />
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That's dedication to revenge. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDR5V2p6n7ziURf5Lv5Lp_bMpXPI5KPvStFcEpaSQAUmdVyTJAA241r1TYk-QunRZ2DLqUefqeG23arRt0M3oglnR2W9SFO7DFO9VAmgQnoIqrYI3POl-XH98IE36E2cbXPPfzoc7h_FtP/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.06.16+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDR5V2p6n7ziURf5Lv5Lp_bMpXPI5KPvStFcEpaSQAUmdVyTJAA241r1TYk-QunRZ2DLqUefqeG23arRt0M3oglnR2W9SFO7DFO9VAmgQnoIqrYI3POl-XH98IE36E2cbXPPfzoc7h_FtP/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.06.16+PM.png" /></a></div>But it's been Tabitha he's wanted all along, and now he has her where he wants her. How? Because the ladder leads right up to a locked room that has only one way out, and <i>that</i> leads Tabitha into another room where after a few moments we start to notice that she's surrounded by props from the three stories we've been watching, including the clown mask, which Tabitha thinks for a second is real and is all "Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get it off me!"<br />
<br />
Then she hears what sounds like a car door slamming and an engine starting and it turns out she's not in a room at all. She's in the back of a truck. And it's filled with all of the crap The Laugh has used in his chicanery.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiam1yedCUqTlfU56vatyIlsr1Se0FRP7vRR5wAGqiXnl8roR-2432DbcQOlqvCts7Jsiz5FCes5DGwCx2CFP3wdpxKwxOpYKpeWvqk9KCPVMNGhQfzzo4-XbiO454RbST51-BEP0bTHVC/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.08.36+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiam1yedCUqTlfU56vatyIlsr1Se0FRP7vRR5wAGqiXnl8roR-2432DbcQOlqvCts7Jsiz5FCes5DGwCx2CFP3wdpxKwxOpYKpeWvqk9KCPVMNGhQfzzo4-XbiO454RbST51-BEP0bTHVC/s320/Screen+shot+2010-03-03+at+7.08.36+PM.png" /></a></div>Fortunately for Tabitha, one of the things is the weird knife gloves The Laugh used when he was the clown and breaking through Thing 1 and Thing 2's bedroom door. Tabitha finds these and senses that they might be used to good effect. When The Laugh opens up the peephole between the front of the truck and the back (you know, like in the DIORAMAS), Tabitha spears him in the face.<br />
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This results in some unfortunate wounds and The Laugh laughs no more. Tabitha somehow gets out of the back and drives off in the truck, accompanied by a voiceover in which--just in case we haven't gotten it--she explains that she, Lisa, and Shelby made fun of The Laugh and he never forgot it, especially after they told the teacher on him and he got sent away to an asylum. Now it's Tabitha's turn to never forget. Specifically, she will never get the sound of The Laugh's laugh out of her head.<br />
<br />
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. <br />
<br />
As I said, this isn't a clown film <i>per se.</i> But the clown bit is pretty good, at least visually. And really, isn't The Laugh a clown at heart when it comes down to it? Everything he does, he does for amusement. He's there to bring a little ha-ha to the world. You know, along with the blood and pain.<br />
<br />
<i>Amusement</i> is not a good movie. It's little bits of lots of other good movies made into a clown-flavored smoothie, a smoothie that is drunk too fast and leaves us with an ice cream freeze headache. On the plus side, however, it looks amazing. And the clown <i>is</i> creepy.<br />
<br />
Sometimes that's enough.<br />
<br />
Favorite Line: "Hee, hee. I tooted!"<br />
<br />
Rating (Out of 5):<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTcHwLL3PxTrtNMlQ4aTg3L1V3QRFwOOy5mmoveY72HzgEmCc4oNig-fmNbcOdKq-seoSWLmpNgZ2UxdYjbbM1VAoEBH2SimsCS_wgqJMGDtrYZsP8ggEJKRS7HdiY9D8fG9laeQ5rje7P/s1600-h/2+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTcHwLL3PxTrtNMlQ4aTg3L1V3QRFwOOy5mmoveY72HzgEmCc4oNig-fmNbcOdKq-seoSWLmpNgZ2UxdYjbbM1VAoEBH2SimsCS_wgqJMGDtrYZsP8ggEJKRS7HdiY9D8fG9laeQ5rje7P/s320/2+clowns.png" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-67674333264484935122010-03-06T11:54:00.000-08:002010-03-06T18:53:39.390-08:00Cover to CoverI love appearing in <i>Entertainment Weekly.</i> I am a complete pop culture junkie, and of course <i>EW</i> is the bible for those of us into such things. So to <i>be</i> in it is enough to induce pants-wetting.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOkhIWbJbuOe0Fpe2kfm4z0et8dvhoncy4TGA3eykwW_FYlkXy0ffRwxkZRv0QKlsHH1AJGDlrZ3OuUBXibvgPQs3En8y0rBLWZd2Z8hyphenhyphenuVfycjuRRZKm1wbljoT9jMXTNjWQP-nFeNQ0/s1600-h/sep122003_727_728_lg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOkhIWbJbuOe0Fpe2kfm4z0et8dvhoncy4TGA3eykwW_FYlkXy0ffRwxkZRv0QKlsHH1AJGDlrZ3OuUBXibvgPQs3En8y0rBLWZd2Z8hyphenhyphenuVfycjuRRZKm1wbljoT9jMXTNjWQP-nFeNQ0/s320/sep122003_727_728_lg.jpg" /></a></div>The first time I appeared in <i>EW</i> was in 2003's Fall TV Preview issue. Alicia Silverstone was on the cover and my novel <i>Last Summer</i> was reviewed. They gave it a B- and summed it up thusly:<br />
<br />
<i>"Though Ford's story veers toward the boilerplate, his middle-brow prose is a winner, landing somewhere between Jacqueline Susann's over-the-top opuses and Sidney Sheldon's addictive reads."</i><br />
<br />
Now, I could have chosen to be a little bit stung by that assessment. Thankfully, I am eternally optimistic and radiantly cheerful and refuse to be stung by anything, and so I took it as a compliment. And as I adore both Jacqueline Susann and Sidney Sheldon, I feel quite content in their company, thank you very much.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKdKouMHMJtVy1yUcRXf-r9aDvegMx3QT-B_pJLfzrsfXgYZ-Jh1DVSXNnprLfNut0bhJdbDrUyFnO7tWTZvBzp8cJUmKLaS4XEWGrxJFBBd1LnIYlQb1oRzCdnoxGFdtfi5QR_p3O6dM/s1600-h/cvr952_jodiefoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKdKouMHMJtVy1yUcRXf-r9aDvegMx3QT-B_pJLfzrsfXgYZ-Jh1DVSXNnprLfNut0bhJdbDrUyFnO7tWTZvBzp8cJUmKLaS4XEWGrxJFBBd1LnIYlQb1oRzCdnoxGFdtfi5QR_p3O6dM/s320/cvr952_jodiefoster.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>My second appearance came in 2007, in the September 07th issue. Jodie Foster was on the cover in connection with her movie <i>The Brave One</i> and my novel <i>Changing Tides</i> was featured in a piece about gay-themed novels featuring real-life historical figures. (<i>Changing Tides</i> is in part about a man researching a possible romantic connection between writer John Steinbeck and his best friend, marine biologist Ed Ricketts.)<br />
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This time I received a grade of B and had my book referred to as <i>"an unusually literate beach read."</i> This was almost as thrilling as the comparison to Susann and Sheldon. In American book review terminology "beach read" translates to "book people actually read instead of just pretending to read because it makes them seem smart." Just between us, I don't care if my books end up on the list of Great American Novels. All I care about is that people like to read them.<br />
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By the way, Foster's <i>The Brave One</i> received a grade of C+, so clearly I should have been on the cover instead of her. I'm just saying. You don't get to be valedictorian with a 2.9 when someone else has a 3.2.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsHtdcxJL0aAimgokoMjpb6qU_0GXdCov2AYfJtn89i6RZQXgnjvD5l0Ru8jRou4yNHUOYf6vgTm2FXbaeUzjHGOviC5607VSyDV-jx_vxDr4-3bsQPkpIA29p5HDxb-JPpWj-zw9Uako/s1600-h/mar122010_1093_lg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsHtdcxJL0aAimgokoMjpb6qU_0GXdCov2AYfJtn89i6RZQXgnjvD5l0Ru8jRou4yNHUOYf6vgTm2FXbaeUzjHGOviC5607VSyDV-jx_vxDr4-3bsQPkpIA29p5HDxb-JPpWj-zw9Uako/s320/mar122010_1093_lg.jpg" /></a>Now I am in <i>Entertainment Weekly</i> for the third time. Chris Noth and Julianna Margulies are on the cover and I am once again in the book section.<br />
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No, it is not a review of my latest, <i>Jane Bites Back.</i> But it's equally thrilling. Maybe even <i>more</i> thrilling. It's a list of current bestselling horror novels. And there I am at #9. Well, there <i>JBB</i> is.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjor4iJ8sXTGywh6g6k8GXpyN10ezGb6TiKzMgU-cMls6EMqtibxBbyA18GhfQrdV1FKjwcO9fsZIt-Sz54DWSrMUyps9w9uB4NEPsB3Vxt9BHU2EzvE734qbAtWf_S_-AxC1FRLeBUiUw/s1600-h/JANE+in+EW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjor4iJ8sXTGywh6g6k8GXpyN10ezGb6TiKzMgU-cMls6EMqtibxBbyA18GhfQrdV1FKjwcO9fsZIt-Sz54DWSrMUyps9w9uB4NEPsB3Vxt9BHU2EzvE734qbAtWf_S_-AxC1FRLeBUiUw/s640/JANE+in+EW.jpg" width="281" /></a>It's enormously gratifying to see your book on a bestseller list with a number next to it. It almost doesn't matter what that number is, although much as it is with condominium placement, the higher the floor is, the better the view. But I'm happy just to have the condo and not be sleeping on someone's couch.<br />
<br />
I will admit that I was a little depressed when <i>Entertainment Weekly</i> didn't review <i>Jane Bites Back,</i> especially after they didn't review my other recent novels <i>What We Remember</i> and <i>Suicide Notes,</i> both of which received excellent reviews everywhere else. As I seem to progress a letter grade with each <i>EW</i> review, I think it's reasonable to say that I would have received a B+ for <i>WWR</i> and an A- for <i>SN.</i> That would have made <i>JBB</i> ripe for an A.<br />
<br />
But no. I was denied.<br />
<br />
I know <i>Entertainment Weekly</i> has cut way back on their books coverage and have room only for people who either already sell a gazillion copies or are so literary that they reek of National Book Award nominations (and therefore need all the help they can get with sales), but still. They could have made room.<br />
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Not that I'm bitter. Okay, I'm a little bitter. But just a little. And this mostly makes up for it.<br />
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Now if they would just put me on the cover I could forgive them and we could move on.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-83051964927822343802010-03-01T00:00:00.000-08:002010-03-01T00:00:01.016-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #15: Vulgar (2000)When it comes to creepy clown movies there are two major variations on the theme: movies where the creepiness of the clowns is central to the story (and often the only point of the film) and movies that are creepy for reasons that extend beyond the clowns themselves (although the clowns might be creepy as well).<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQT3JC0HLT4X7gQT6BsL5EAZGsDSf-OZVOAQ6Z8qDFKe7DHsROao8FcPhr4h55gz-OCiQtqk7QuFvBYBAEtk4DoqiGH5z-dA_oavfTjDr7p0BO0GC4nkJvSrDYQQY3p22hdKtLX5Dnhupv/s1600-h/vulgar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQT3JC0HLT4X7gQT6BsL5EAZGsDSf-OZVOAQ6Z8qDFKe7DHsROao8FcPhr4h55gz-OCiQtqk7QuFvBYBAEtk4DoqiGH5z-dA_oavfTjDr7p0BO0GC4nkJvSrDYQQY3p22hdKtLX5Dnhupv/s320/vulgar.jpg" /></a><i>Vulgar</i> falls into the latter category, although it could be argued that it's really somewhere in between. The clown in the film <i>is</i> kind of creepy, at least some of the time, and the movie wouldn't exist without him. But it's what happens <i>to</i> the clown that makes the movie <i>really</i> creepy.<br />
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Some background. <i>Vulgar</i> was executive produced by Kevin Smith of <i>Clerks</i> fame. It was made after his success with films such as <i>Chasing Amy</i> and <i>Dogma,</i> and it features many of the denizens of the View Askewniverse, including Brian O'Halloran (Dante of <i>Clerks</i>) and Jason Mewes (Jay of numerous Smith films). <br />
<div style="float: left; margin: 9px;"><object height="285" width="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VFgcGlXalsc&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VFgcGlXalsc&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="340" height="285"></embed></object></div><br />
The origins of <i>Vulgar</i> are found in the opening animated production credits of <i>Clerks,</i> in which a decidedly creepy clown goes behind a screen and emerges as an even creepier cross-dressing stripper clown. The clown, who would for a time come to represent Smith's View Askew Productions, inspired <i>Vulgar</i> when Smith and his friends decided to make up a story about how the clown got to be the way he is.<br />
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The task of coming up with the clown's story fell to Bryan Johnson, a friend of Smith since high school who played nerdy comic book geek Steve-Dave Pulasti in Smith's <i>Mallrats</i> (and later films) and who in real life once managed Smith's comic book store Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash.<br />
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And what a story it is.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAaWvTq_YpZCmwBjMpfn94NoH1K7pLexH6vZecpX_Tp2hPRzGLeoMli3G6e6jarUWKac7sv21f86SWamk88zpneJbNORJnAbuMqixhFUDqkIQ5ABFzTKD8ZmJWANzsTsRjiL_kJjq58EWD/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23377.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAaWvTq_YpZCmwBjMpfn94NoH1K7pLexH6vZecpX_Tp2hPRzGLeoMli3G6e6jarUWKac7sv21f86SWamk88zpneJbNORJnAbuMqixhFUDqkIQ5ABFzTKD8ZmJWANzsTsRjiL_kJjq58EWD/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23377.jpg" /></a></div>Will Carlson (Brian O'Halloran) is a clown. A birthday clown. As in he goes to children's parties and scars them for life. He's pretty good at it, but success has eluded him. He lives in a crappy apartment in a crappy house in a crappy neighborhood where guys even worse off than he is sleep in his crappy car and throw bottles at him when he comes home.<br />
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Will's clown name is Flappy, which frankly isn't a very good clown name. But it fits in with his lovable loser personality. One day Flappy has a gig--a little girl's birthday party, natch--and when he gets there he finds the girl's belligerent father being taken away by the police for domestic abuse. This is kind of a downer, so the party is off and Flappy goes home empty handed, but not before promising the little girl (her name is Ashley) that he'll come back next year for her party.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEcOn7_MQfSGwBx1nd-tizeJ3Vb9h7tg6wpoH0U8h4ljcwv1WUIJ3LSKHamlq2Bl6MflTz-h23LSRSEsiXLrrO4ol_TLKPm1V3B-36tGrbIJZNomJc6cSOqM2sUpIRapVPQ4CBYavSsRwm/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23380.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEcOn7_MQfSGwBx1nd-tizeJ3Vb9h7tg6wpoH0U8h4ljcwv1WUIJ3LSKHamlq2Bl6MflTz-h23LSRSEsiXLrrO4ol_TLKPm1V3B-36tGrbIJZNomJc6cSOqM2sUpIRapVPQ4CBYavSsRwm/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23380.jpg" /></a>To cheer himself up Will pays a visit to his mother, who resides at the Broken Oak Rest Home. Mom is a real piece of work. She hates Broken Oak. She hates the staff. And she <i>really</i> hates Will. It's his fault she's in there. It's his fault he hasn't gotten anywhere in life. It's his fault the Democrats can't get health care reform through Congress. (That's not true. It's Nancy Pelosi's fault, because no one likes her.)<br />
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Will has not only not been paid for the birthday party, he's now been completely emasculated by his mother. So he decides that enough is enough. It's time to go for the big time or give up. And after much thought he comes up with a plan: He's going to be a stripper clown for bachelor parties.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMSwDXwcs6LgT8imYJi5ibew8tVZTECJuqjoquQq6lawCUS0i0rCUrSMfdPMYagbjO7XJ28KBAoaPz1AzoNrGtyRwOL7GU3THiFPJbifUXdaP6XOv37Cu5yNAZhKmyTEiAfWVaHiwUArMv/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23386.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMSwDXwcs6LgT8imYJi5ibew8tVZTECJuqjoquQq6lawCUS0i0rCUrSMfdPMYagbjO7XJ28KBAoaPz1AzoNrGtyRwOL7GU3THiFPJbifUXdaP6XOv37Cu5yNAZhKmyTEiAfWVaHiwUArMv/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23386.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Granted, it's a niche market. But as Will explains to his best (and only) friend, Syd (played by screenwriter/director Bryan Johnson), it's all a gag. He'll be the entertainment before the real entertainment (aka a nekkid girl) arrives. The groom-to-be will be totally freaked out until he realizes his buddies are pulling his leg. Ha ha!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwc1maO38zJkL13pMQmECHn8TbK7aeMGHvj8NT-KkQqjKpixnHbnufjTGTw2dARmSqIwrRnFoiNB9WwZP4ZeFgbs6JbQETxJH14t-CiQbUTI4ezHWzR78qPV95eST5w180xlF4TsHaTcsJ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23389.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwc1maO38zJkL13pMQmECHn8TbK7aeMGHvj8NT-KkQqjKpixnHbnufjTGTw2dARmSqIwrRnFoiNB9WwZP4ZeFgbs6JbQETxJH14t-CiQbUTI4ezHWzR78qPV95eST5w180xlF4TsHaTcsJ/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23389.jpg" width="200" /></a>Will decides to name this new clown persona Vulgar, because that's what his undertaking is--cheap and vulgar. Vulgar bears no resemblance to Flappy. Flappy is your generic circus clown; Vulgar is your generic bald streetwalking clown. With false eyelashes and heels. Actually, Vulgar looks a lot like drag queen Divine, the star of so many John Waters films, all of which are? That's right. Vulgar.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hNP_Uo4FvnhOlID3EVvj9RvHyj6eofK4B_cjbsEO2sKv3oMEoQY7NZsqp-ZSRArjene6BqaIBooM9iieeVM1r16NbOSlDuP2Lh3w_urMn_zw80zyODVaptHfP7ZFcUcTmpOWZa0ujK08/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23404.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hNP_Uo4FvnhOlID3EVvj9RvHyj6eofK4B_cjbsEO2sKv3oMEoQY7NZsqp-ZSRArjene6BqaIBooM9iieeVM1r16NbOSlDuP2Lh3w_urMn_zw80zyODVaptHfP7ZFcUcTmpOWZa0ujK08/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23404.jpg" /></a>When Vulgar goes to his first gig something bad happens. Something <i>really</i> bad. In short, he's raped by a sociopath father while his two demented sons watch and videotape the whole thing. It's all very degrading and can be summed up in the father's promise to Vulgar right before the fun begins: "I'm gonna make hate to you."<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisw12AXKqp9bRHJDmnVUbgKySLJcvyw2QpPaYdDLxXHexD4XXUt5qUhWJ05CobvAMkk1JaC2OL40O42Uy2b2Sc35YhkR2mBbWkOD8CDKin2cIpNROixZlMloOB8koT3Oa2mL7iwu-vBCJI/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23408.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisw12AXKqp9bRHJDmnVUbgKySLJcvyw2QpPaYdDLxXHexD4XXUt5qUhWJ05CobvAMkk1JaC2OL40O42Uy2b2Sc35YhkR2mBbWkOD8CDKin2cIpNROixZlMloOB8koT3Oa2mL7iwu-vBCJI/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23408.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>As you might imagine, this turn of events does nothing for Will's self esteem. He manages to get home, where he finally reacts by trashing his apartment and cutting himself with a shard of broken mirror. His mood doesn't improve any when Syd comes over and, after hearing what happened to Will, remarks that Will really should do something because what if those guys gave him AIDS?<br />
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Will spends the next year becoming more and more depressed. He doesn't work as Flappy. He doesn't work period. Until it's time for Ashley's birthday party and her mother calls in the promise Will made to her the year before.<br />
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Will arrives to once again find Ashley's house surrounded by police cars. Only this time Ashley's father has taken her hostage and is holding her inside the house. It seems Ashley's mom finally had enough and served the jerkhole with divorce papers. He's not so happy about that.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu22CqKQyS5M9WDCRiU3ZaFrujSIjr8WEApsL6PDwnADJZVVN1KlbF8phiudW4nWa9kLK5gazyIzIGItPboZvuqSxfHGYSxnz2hlsjvgjLFBRf2sByBNQ9TeWYrdd1O7Xemfqc8l9tnFXY/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23414.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu22CqKQyS5M9WDCRiU3ZaFrujSIjr8WEApsL6PDwnADJZVVN1KlbF8phiudW4nWa9kLK5gazyIzIGItPboZvuqSxfHGYSxnz2hlsjvgjLFBRf2sByBNQ9TeWYrdd1O7Xemfqc8l9tnFXY/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23414.jpg" width="198" /></a></div>The police have had no luck convincing jerkhole to surrender. Will, who at this point doesn't care if he lives or dies, takes matters into his own hands, sneaks into the house, and tackles the jerkhole, saving the day. Yay Flappy!<br />
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Predictably, Flappy becomes a hero. One day, while appearing on the <i>It's Scotty</i> talk show, Flappy is seen by television producer Martan Ingram (played by an adorably beary Kevin Smith). Martan soon approaches Will about doing a children's show, <i>Flappy's Funhouse. </i><br />
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Now will is movin' on up. The show does well. Flappy merchandise flies off the shelves. He gets revenge on the losers in his old neighborhood. He's beloved by children.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRIEDHsuCGk_XIJ_jwNyTrZCN54m7Kp4V0-wY_kIK54QtrsYdAa_JLgS-DiMyUbOeXclpNeWj44JlV9Von2VTAip-CVxrZ5lwFgW4BH5BFio661TUeDYZmai7mOyJCCvHZD6YlokfUaICZ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23420.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRIEDHsuCGk_XIJ_jwNyTrZCN54m7Kp4V0-wY_kIK54QtrsYdAa_JLgS-DiMyUbOeXclpNeWj44JlV9Von2VTAip-CVxrZ5lwFgW4BH5BFio661TUeDYZmai7mOyJCCvHZD6YlokfUaICZ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23420.jpg" /></a>And that's where things start to come undone. One of those children just happens to be the child of the man who assburgled Vulgar. His name is Ed Fanelli. The man, not the kid. I don't know her name, and it doesn't matter. What matters is that Ed sees his daughter watching one of the <i>Flappy's Funhouse</i> videos and recognizes Will.<br />
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Will is sitting around in the living room of his swank new house when the phone rings. It's Ed, demanding 50 G's. If he doesn't get it, he'll leak the video of his and Vulgar's time together. And then what will the kiddies and their parents think?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGvKRT36CcY4AogcEbsTSLr96-JYjQR-ww6Z5njNGWDyn5vbavekPpfvnZmX1CduYRzLLTovlZNBqQXzAO1TeOtidWtZctOj43RFVOB1RkLHGw2TdBcwWihdunDGpiATeHJhffjmNlvFA4/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23429.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGvKRT36CcY4AogcEbsTSLr96-JYjQR-ww6Z5njNGWDyn5vbavekPpfvnZmX1CduYRzLLTovlZNBqQXzAO1TeOtidWtZctOj43RFVOB1RkLHGw2TdBcwWihdunDGpiATeHJhffjmNlvFA4/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23429.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Will calls Syd and Syd quite reasonably says that Will should tell the police. But Will doesn't want to. There's some vague dialogue at this point that seems to suggest that Will is hiding something, like maybe he's gay and doesn't want people to know and <i>really</i> doesn't want them to know that he was in a manwich because they'll think he did it because he liked it and not because Ed threatened to blow his head off (which he did).<br />
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At this point we're treated to a scene of Ed and his boys in a basement somewhere hosting a party for a gentleman who is trussed up in a weird metal contraption. Ed is spewing homophobic bile and wielding a blowtorch. "This is how I kiss," he tells his victim, firing up the torch. "And I'm gonna kiss you all over."<br />
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This seems a wee bit unnecessary, but whatever. We get it--there's nothing Ed won't do. Also, he clearly has a problem with the fact that he likes making it with dudes. But more on that later.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEWYpDs29l2cWz4yCAZ5eC1OYcB6mnFTNMY_FU_J_eq1_GyEh3JBF_AAIKF8Tvl3gIZiaRctH9yxwTgUA194mA8d8bI0x27p7gmZS5cojVJGKgeeUElSTxrixl-rwd0mOc6WqgvIhWCTvQ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23435.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEWYpDs29l2cWz4yCAZ5eC1OYcB6mnFTNMY_FU_J_eq1_GyEh3JBF_AAIKF8Tvl3gIZiaRctH9yxwTgUA194mA8d8bI0x27p7gmZS5cojVJGKgeeUElSTxrixl-rwd0mOc6WqgvIhWCTvQ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23435.jpg" /></a></div>What Ed wants Will to do now is go to a specific junkyard and ask the proprietor if he has a '64 Buick Skylark, which happens to have sentimental appeal to Ed because it's the make of car his oldest son, Frankie, first learned how to, um, how do I put this? Get to the center of a Tootsie Pop in. If you get my drift. A-one. A-two. A-three.<br />
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And there will be one. Ed is sure of it. Will is to put the 50 G's in the car's trunk, after which the junkyard owner will give him the tape.<br />
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Only he doesn't. The junkyard guy, I mean. Will does what <i>he's</i> supposed to, but it turns out Ed was messing with him. He has no intention of giving up the tape. This seems mean spirited to me, but Ed hasn't exactly shown himself to be of upstanding character so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.<br />
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And it doesn't stop there. One day while Will is at the studio filming his show he goes in to the men's room only to be confronted in the stall by Ed and his boys. Ed demands a repeat performance of the night they met and orders Vulgar to appear at a motel at an appointed time.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgId8k7bj4pfg3b8Tb6iFIFbjxRw-CsMXrsPCPWIO9Zc_kUAqRFeg-A6G5Wql1iuY19Ty3Y7d8MO8MH7FfrvvwQpPsr2Gx9_NSSyhf0e8aiMLqcY9OBQYxctX9MTOabZn1vsBQqnPTQidOY/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgId8k7bj4pfg3b8Tb6iFIFbjxRw-CsMXrsPCPWIO9Zc_kUAqRFeg-A6G5Wql1iuY19Ty3Y7d8MO8MH7FfrvvwQpPsr2Gx9_NSSyhf0e8aiMLqcY9OBQYxctX9MTOabZn1vsBQqnPTQidOY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23441.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Well, now Will has had enough. When he appears in the studio with a bloodied face courtesy of Ed's switchblade and Syd asks him what happened, he says that Ed has asked him for another favor. And what might that be? Syd inquires. "He wants us to kill him," Will says.<br />
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They decide that shooting Ed will be the easiest thing to do, so off they go to visit one of those loser guys with a heart of gold that so frequently come in useful in these situations. He's played by Jason Mewes and his name is Tuott the Basehead. And no I don't know if that's an in-joke or not. Probably.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_ULUGVHQ33C48yM7-79izKRo67jfqHv5re7eEl0tAJIEJMHwUQHDY4zUP_HeAXNWgbBUHMBpq8Xv9p53g45dPE14ANDEhNMd1ulc4gyYuEANJoCM8kT0XG4qTJrgR8-G-1VRN_znbpjg/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23450.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_ULUGVHQ33C48yM7-79izKRo67jfqHv5re7eEl0tAJIEJMHwUQHDY4zUP_HeAXNWgbBUHMBpq8Xv9p53g45dPE14ANDEhNMd1ulc4gyYuEANJoCM8kT0XG4qTJrgR8-G-1VRN_znbpjg/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23450.jpg" /></a></div>Tuott gives Syd and Will some guns and off they go. Will gets himself all gussied up in his Vulgar ensemble and they go to the motel. I should mention that on the way there they're accosted by a drunk who asks Syd for money and Syd says no way, I'm going to go kill a guy and anyway I use my debit card for everything so I don't have any cash to give you even if I wanted to.<br />
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Okay, he doesn't. But that's what I said once to Roosevelt, the really nice homeless guy we see every Thursday when we go to Xiao Loong for dinner. Not the part about killing a guy, the part about never having cash because I only use my debit card. Then I felt bad because Roosevelt is really cool and he always says I have a nice smile even when I don't have any cash for him, so now I try to have a dollar or two for him.<br />
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But Syd doesn't.<br />
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The plan is that Vulgar will go into the room with the Family Fanelli, play along at first, then whip out his gun, at which point Syd will burst in with <i>his</i> gun and they'll, well, do something.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9y_KUATa97w31P7w3mlKEBt6fY7Mch7vwKLDNBSXAYnjbnVatRhVRKmENBuEa3taT5lkJeEptcj-ZkR7yFYmRs76ymFFEzCxmbBqmqtWN69nr2M7yyMuREUb7pWTtz6a2DwOIA4PM5AbM/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23456.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9y_KUATa97w31P7w3mlKEBt6fY7Mch7vwKLDNBSXAYnjbnVatRhVRKmENBuEa3taT5lkJeEptcj-ZkR7yFYmRs76ymFFEzCxmbBqmqtWN69nr2M7yyMuREUb7pWTtz6a2DwOIA4PM5AbM/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23456.jpg" /></a></div>Only it doesn't go down that way. Vulgar does go in, and at first he acts as if he's going to do just what Ed wants him to. But when Ed tells him to strip and show them the teddy he ordered Will to wear, Vulgar opens his coat to reveal a pair of plain old sweatpants. Ed gets his back up over that and Vulgar shows him the business end of his gun.<br />
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Syd is all set to back him up when the bum he didn't give a quarter to comes up behind him and mugs him. So that sucks, in addition to being bad timing.<br />
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Inside the motel room Vulgar pulls the trigger on his gun and it goes . . . click, click, click. This is more bad news, as Ed then clocks Vulgar and starts to beat him.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPuyr8RZIRPn0m6BpOyLsn8cU5ad9B-L4AYtFe4kk15pyIxV1gnPGATkd77w2mhDd3cGUmN58ecbiMMbb-lwvvw7q-_Mn0ffrb8RgBDQsiStAOjmAbs2KQFlx3UzD52KLmuJyAmYaPk1j-/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23459.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPuyr8RZIRPn0m6BpOyLsn8cU5ad9B-L4AYtFe4kk15pyIxV1gnPGATkd77w2mhDd3cGUmN58ecbiMMbb-lwvvw7q-_Mn0ffrb8RgBDQsiStAOjmAbs2KQFlx3UzD52KLmuJyAmYaPk1j-/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23459.jpg" /></a></div>Around about this point you think things aren't going to end on a very positive note. But hope arrives when Frankie Fanelli, mocking Vulgar, points the gun at his own face and pulls the trigger. And it works! Vulgar just had the safety on!<br />
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Ed isn't pleased at this turn of events. Neither is Gino, who starts screaming that Vulgar killed his brother, which isn't really true and he should know that. And <i>then</i> the door bursts open and Syd and the homeless guy are struggling. Gino has a gun now too and he points it at the homeless guy, the homeless guy points his gun at Gino, and as quick as you can say "Bob's your uncle" they're both dead because they're morons.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ZCdqzdHjrE9uR9VAuYoVkGrLYJtW6ujc8eSE6AjkT6W7urdNcWK-TNQzuUYhmpSAVJM18V15AMsHZzTcJ6EXw6T1fBgwBM-KLdKu6X7YM1gNTida_01vOmPvQt0ode3W642P_VdVRCmQ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23468.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ZCdqzdHjrE9uR9VAuYoVkGrLYJtW6ujc8eSE6AjkT6W7urdNcWK-TNQzuUYhmpSAVJM18V15AMsHZzTcJ6EXw6T1fBgwBM-KLdKu6X7YM1gNTida_01vOmPvQt0ode3W642P_VdVRCmQ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23468.jpg" /></a></div>Now Ed has no more boys and he decides to run away. Vulgar tells Syd to get out of there and he runs after Ed. They end up at a playground, where Ed taunts Vulgar and tells him he doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger. Which, frankly, I don't think he does. But it doesn't matter because Ed has a heart attack and dies. Vulgar gives him a few vicious kicks after the fact, but it would have been more satisfying if he'd shot him. If you ask me.<br />
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The film closes with Flappy filming an episode of his show where he's dressed as a policeman rounding up three bandit clowns. Then he turns to the camera and says his famous line, "Stay in school and take care of yourself, because you're the only you you've got."<br />
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I was curious about seeing <i>Vulgar</i> because I'd heard a lot about it, and all of what I'd heard was bad. The film has a reputation as being incredibly distasteful and just plain wrong. The DVD box goes so far as to quote negative reviews from the <i>New York Times</i> and the <i>San Francisco Chronicle.</i> And a friend of mine who had seen it warned me that it was one of the most vile things he'd ever seen.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir3jKigt7aB8CiM11qnL5Id2uSiNOnZZIn6RTr0x9pedqLeCbccJatx8LPyS2BId8lNPjvJlbZRdjTVmhNA1Ml3LJEfGTqcPUmCja5iBf-lfRKGprQ7H5uYKscOgH_aTstzaP2H2SEC2gy/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23472.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir3jKigt7aB8CiM11qnL5Id2uSiNOnZZIn6RTr0x9pedqLeCbccJatx8LPyS2BId8lNPjvJlbZRdjTVmhNA1Ml3LJEfGTqcPUmCja5iBf-lfRKGprQ7H5uYKscOgH_aTstzaP2H2SEC2gy/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23472.jpg" /></a>I'm a bit puzzled by that. Yes, <i>Vulgar</i> is a disturbing movie. But that's entirely due to the rape. And frankly, I've seen far more graphic and disturbing rape scenes in any number of modern horror movies, most memorably <i>The Last House on the Left.</i><br />
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Now I will say something that you might disagree with. Personally, I think <i>Vulgar</i> upsets so many people because it deals with manrape. Gay stuff makes some people anxious in the first place. Clown stuff makes some people anxious in the first place. Rape stuff makes some people anxious in the first place. But gay male clown rape? Off the charts.<br />
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It's too bad that people feel this way, because <i>Vulgar</i> is actually a good movie. The performances, particularly from O'Halloran and Jerry Lewkowitz (who plays Ed in what appears to be his one and only film role), are first rate. The Vulgar makeup is phenomenal, and the story underneath all of its sensationalism says a lot about achieving fame and what it can cost you. Yeah, it's a dark, twisted little story, but it's a damn <i>good</i> dark, twisted little story.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMosz5bP_deTk8no7mVW3_dUhXr2HThhwvODURkGxbI1r9JGvmoCAP3x0udp7dFTQQQs-z5VdaKdXUTL4mPuVbG97GRW8DfOtHSYNEi6OBbUFuSC-EVkE29HNbeIv0G52bgErQFVXbyrD/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23398.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMosz5bP_deTk8no7mVW3_dUhXr2HThhwvODURkGxbI1r9JGvmoCAP3x0udp7dFTQQQs-z5VdaKdXUTL4mPuVbG97GRW8DfOtHSYNEi6OBbUFuSC-EVkE29HNbeIv0G52bgErQFVXbyrD/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23398.jpg" /></a>So to get back to the gay thing. There's a lot of repressed man-on-man feelings going on in <i>Vulgar.</i> Ed's little habit of raping men while degrading <i>them</i> for being gay is the most obvious one. Then there's the relationship between Frankie and Gino, which pretty clearly extends beyond the bonds of brotherly love. But what's more interesting to me is whatever is going on with Will and Syd. Neither has a girlfriend, or even talks about women. They're incredibly intimate with one another. And then there's the whole "Will is afraid of something beyond the creepiness of the tape" thing. Finally, there's Kevin Smith's character. When we first meet Martan (and yes, that's how they spell it in the credits) he's lying in bed with a naked man. They clearly have some kind of longstanding relationship. But when the man (whose name is Cinnamon, I kid you not) goes to kiss Martan goodnight Martan holds up his hand and tells him not to do that. Harsh.<br />
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What's that about? Kevin Smith has a long history of gay-positive characters and stories. And it seems like this is another one. The closeted (or just fucked up) men are the ones who don't acknowledge their own gayness and take it out on other men. The nice maybe-gay guys don't admit anything either, but at least they always do the right thing and win in the end. (It is not lost on me that Will doesn't actually have to kill anyone to get his revenge.) And then there's Smith's somewhere-in-the-middle character. He's the one who gives Will the opportunity to better his life, but simultaneously (if inadvertently) reunites him with the greatest evil he's ever faced. Line the male characters up and they arguably form a continuum of gay men from really bad to really good.<br />
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And now that I think of it, Will's life goes astray when he strays from who he is (a happy clown who entertains children) to something he isn't (a clown whore in garish makeup). A message about hiding who you are, perhaps?<br />
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Or maybe it's just me.<br />
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Anyway, it's something to think about. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj52WM2RcnuHHxabOIrTYyY7dDAcCn2kj2Lprs43SENt6XFvh51eST2WwiTt1YJPw_RpjMXNqnem28bXsQfh-2c3VLn1ZuI2xGA53LUIihnnnW2LKRVdqwxca6TMEwCsxsrxSlXCQh8hes6/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23475.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj52WM2RcnuHHxabOIrTYyY7dDAcCn2kj2Lprs43SENt6XFvh51eST2WwiTt1YJPw_RpjMXNqnem28bXsQfh-2c3VLn1ZuI2xGA53LUIihnnnW2LKRVdqwxca6TMEwCsxsrxSlXCQh8hes6/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23475.jpg" /></a></div>One last thing. Lately a lot of the creepy clown movies I've seen have had fantastic music in them. <i>Vulgar</i> is no exception. My favorite bit is a punk version of the <i>Flappy's Funhouse</i> theme song, performed by Jon Kleiman. I'll leave you with it.<br />
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And remember: Stay in school and take care of yourself, because you're the only you you've got.<br />
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Flappy Hardcore<br />
Jon Kleiman<br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=8,0,0,0" height="36" id="divplaylist" width="470"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10578791-d8c&new_design=true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10578791-d8c&new_design=true" width="470" height="36" name="divplaylist" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object><br />
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Favorite Line: "You're right. I should hinge my whole future on dancing around like a mongoloid on a bad acid trip for a bunch of spoiled little dickheads."<br />
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Rating (Out of 5): <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/45clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="66" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/45clowns.png" width="320" /></a></div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-25521193088244915382010-02-22T00:01:00.000-08:002010-02-24T10:44:28.382-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #14: Blood Harvest (1987)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrqlgl5FvByPpbT8qRi_WfkC3P06em_EBM-pWIIEoZ3J9aUAZAV4tPQOgXlGC2RaFV7WaanQs4Oc4N0z34aOQFpzRQ4ZGi4ghJqUQgMqsVvcOOUk2woiwECq3OqKtbrbo3rq9aZZTqiAQ/s1600-h/blood+harvest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMrqlgl5FvByPpbT8qRi_WfkC3P06em_EBM-pWIIEoZ3J9aUAZAV4tPQOgXlGC2RaFV7WaanQs4Oc4N0z34aOQFpzRQ4ZGi4ghJqUQgMqsVvcOOUk2woiwECq3OqKtbrbo3rq9aZZTqiAQ/s320/blood+harvest.jpg" width="227" /></a></div>I think most of us have movie memories that we can pinpoint as defining moments in our lives. For instance, I will never forget being 8 years old and sitting in the theater watching <i>Star Wars.</i> From the moment the rebel blockade runner appeared onscreen being chased by the Imperial Star Destroyer I knew that something magical was about to happen.<br />
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And it did. <i>Star Wars</i> was unlike anything I'd ever seen before. It took me into another world. It made me excited about movies, and about telling stories. It was revolutionary.<br />
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<i>Blood Harvest</i> is exactly not like that. At all.<br />
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This is not to say that it isn't worth watching. It's totally worth watching, for a number of reasons. And by "a number of reasons" I mean two.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXKAi8eqFmK8LEmfz7mpFekENcived8Keo0tBlyBCElUX8q5MIvNbwk-nf840sKEtOJpEbuZib7iFI4IRmEGYJ-J6NKMIJ0txXhP0E87w53I8bjAiZqXzUmyqh719wxd5eJlZ1oY5gQYZ5/s1600-h/weird+al+and+tim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXKAi8eqFmK8LEmfz7mpFekENcived8Keo0tBlyBCElUX8q5MIvNbwk-nf840sKEtOJpEbuZib7iFI4IRmEGYJ-J6NKMIJ0txXhP0E87w53I8bjAiZqXzUmyqh719wxd5eJlZ1oY5gQYZ5/s320/weird+al+and+tim.jpg" /></a>The main one is Tiny Tim. I'm sure you remember Tiny Tim. He's the guy who looked like Weird Al before Weird Al did. Although today he is often referred to as a novelty act, Tim (real name Herbert Khaury) was actually a gifted musicologist with an encyclopedic knowledge of the American popular songbook, particularly the songs of Tin Pan Alley.<br />
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Unfortunately, he's most well known for his rendition of "Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips with Me," a song originally featured in the 1929 musical <i>Gold Diggers of Broadway</i>. Tim covered the song on his 1968 album <i>God Bless Tiny Tim.</i> Singing in falsetto and accompanying himself on the ukulele, Tim created a pop music phenomenon. His bizarre performance of the song (now most often called simply "Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips") was enormously popular, and Tim became a fixture on American television. His 1969 wedding to his first wife, commonly known as Miss Vicki, live on <i>The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson</i> attracted an estimated audience of 40 million viewers. (Tim and Miss Vicki divorced in 1977, and she went on to have a rather unusual life. She currently writes a not-at-all unusual blog, mostly about her cats Custard and Twinkie. Check it out at <a href="http://missvickinow.blogspot.com/">Miss Vicki Now</a> if you're curious. There are some fun pictures of the cats. Also, chickens and a pig.)<br />
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Anyway, Tiny Tim is, for better or for worse, mostly known as the weird guy with the weird voice singing the weird song. And in case you for some reason have never heard "Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips with Me," here it is. You're welcome.<br />
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Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips with Me<br />
Tiny Tim<br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=8,0,0,0" width="470" height="36" id="divplaylist"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10578845-4d4&new_design=true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10578845-4d4&new_design=true" width="470" height="36" name="divplaylist" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbH6LCj67X9oKxENs4J115ne2gVt7nrISgulmzijtWEVcoH6oiqheDhLOESLV_6JkohTSfqNHCx8ULPo0PukwKNPwjqWLWeTeZo8g20nPr0cIvWDxVZDTLJF7BYxNsMMHpXnAA-13BYn_m/s1600-h/giant_spider_invasionposter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbH6LCj67X9oKxENs4J115ne2gVt7nrISgulmzijtWEVcoH6oiqheDhLOESLV_6JkohTSfqNHCx8ULPo0PukwKNPwjqWLWeTeZo8g20nPr0cIvWDxVZDTLJF7BYxNsMMHpXnAA-13BYn_m/s320/giant_spider_invasionposter.jpg" /></a></div>Now that you're all caught up on your Tiny Tim info, let's move on. As some of you know, in addition to my obsession with creepy clown movies I also have a fondness for giant spider movies. Sadly, there aren't nearly enough of them, the two best known being <i>Tarantula</i> (1955) and <i>Earth vs the Spider</i> (1958). But there's a lesser-known little gem called <i>The Giant Spider Invasion</i> (1975). It's about spiders from another dimension that invade Wisconsin. Genius.<br />
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Why Wisconsin? Because that's where the film's director, Bill Rebane, happened to live. Actually, he still lives there. In fact, he ran for governor in 2002 and is currently running again. Check out <a href="http://www.explorationmediacorporation.com/">his website</a> for more about that. Not bad for a guy who moved to the United States from Latvia when he<i></i> was 15 and learned English by watching movies.<br />
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Bill Rebane directed one of the worst (meaning <i>best</i>) horror movies of all time, <i> Monster A Go-Go,</i> which is so deliciously awful that I can't even begin to explain it so you just need to see it for yourself. He's also the director of <i>Blood Harvest.</i> How cool is that? Giant spiders <i>and</i> creepy clowns. This man obviously deserves to be Wisconsin's next governor, so we should all move there and vote for him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg3PAU-fbJIAPRfKm9NRVoVO7U43efIIgojhntjpRLmZe3BgdVdMBMGU_WTKDouyDtJ672tpZ7EteCDQe1dOzbXNclF797fTCfnytYWVEGL3SBqwcXXSKxAfvAV2hOPcmcb8j9Fa3CV-01/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23180.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg3PAU-fbJIAPRfKm9NRVoVO7U43efIIgojhntjpRLmZe3BgdVdMBMGU_WTKDouyDtJ672tpZ7EteCDQe1dOzbXNclF797fTCfnytYWVEGL3SBqwcXXSKxAfvAV2hOPcmcb8j9Fa3CV-01/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23180.jpg" width="193" /></a>The movie itself is a pretty straightforward slasher pic. The main focus is Jill Robinson, a comely coed who doesn't think bras are necessary and who has returned to her small Wisconsin hometown for a visit with her parents. Papa Robinson is the president of the local bank, and recently he's been forced to foreclose on a number of farms. This hasn't made him very popular, but Jill doesn't know anything about it and is nonplussed when she receives a chilly welcome from the townsfolk upon her arrival.<br />
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She's further distressed when she gets to the family home and finds it covered in graffiti, then bumps into an effigy of her father hanging in the front hall. But most frightening of all is the clown standing in the kitchen holding a bouquet of flowers and grinning from ear to ear. Actually, the grin is painted on, but still. Finding <i>any</i> clown in your kitchen is disquieting.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM604aEOt9rJvOaGDjr5U6F7iDpYzX3lbRpYC9jHfrHKWTG-BYw0fixrjbL8sU_zRBd-aDLC7qKeicVofU6N2oFVcrbR5b-DzvmFdmFDSjWnUvdCq5hS3UGBir0N_GeLUfUNa-uDz_2XRg/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23196.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM604aEOt9rJvOaGDjr5U6F7iDpYzX3lbRpYC9jHfrHKWTG-BYw0fixrjbL8sU_zRBd-aDLC7qKeicVofU6N2oFVcrbR5b-DzvmFdmFDSjWnUvdCq5hS3UGBir0N_GeLUfUNa-uDz_2XRg/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23196.jpg" /></a></div>But then Jill realizes that <i>this </i>clown happens to be Merv, the brother of Jill's high school boyfriend, Gary. Only Merv now calls himself Marvelous Mervo and dresses like a clown. Jill doesn't seem particularly worried about this, which shows that being away from home has made her more tolerant of people who are different. Why, she even has gay friends. Okay, that's not true. There are no gay people in Wisconsin. Oh, except my friend Troy, but he doesn't live there anymore so it doesn't count.<br />
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Anyway, Gary is there to see Jill and he hasn't seen Jill's parents either. Given that there are only about 16 people in the entire town, this is a little suspicious, but no one seems terribly worried and Gary and Merv leave. But then Jill gets a phone call and it's some dude who says something that rhymes with "stuck goo ditch," and shortly thereafter a brick comes sailing through the window in a manner suggesting that it isn't an accident.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLB6M8Gq0qZOnG20BEl2kuuP5yt67fRmuRVToEmJ3GPGJquu9-MlHNwbi7Al4BEbqAvj_9Z2D4Yff4uIZni7nfpSRfXbAIUwNYCNGWjM6EzaRl8oz9Y30LKkRKNK1-i_jEK8_Hk-a_KdSh/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23208.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLB6M8Gq0qZOnG20BEl2kuuP5yt67fRmuRVToEmJ3GPGJquu9-MlHNwbi7Al4BEbqAvj_9Z2D4Yff4uIZni7nfpSRfXbAIUwNYCNGWjM6EzaRl8oz9Y30LKkRKNK1-i_jEK8_Hk-a_KdSh/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23208.jpg" /></a>Jill, perturbed, runs outside and sees a man in camouflage. She runs some more and he follows her. Then there seem to be two or three of him chasing her. Then Jill gets shot in the head and sees blood on her hand and faints. Only it's not blood, it's paint, so she's fainted for nothing. Then the guys playing paintball stand around her discussing what to do, and one of them utters my favorite line from the movie, which you can see at the end of this post. None of them discuss the fact that they're playing paintball because they can't express the sexual feelings they have for one another any other way.<br />
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Jill comes to and orders one of the paintball guys to drive her into town in his truck so that she can tell the sheriff that she's worried about her parents. He's more worried about the softball game he's on his way to, but Jill pouts enough that he agrees to go with her to the house. Only when they get there there's no graffiti, no effigy, and no broken window, so now the sheriff calls Jill the Girl Who Cried Brick and drives off.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4m_c87XCACC4LOvL3ucJwCgIiNNG9x_qyVzRJnBz7lnbgWMO5hiRkEkXIrRPJf8j-w3DV5oX0eb_I4kqNaFK9LhkS4zKuuia4SH3U1oWixRzQQjuuAxMKcxQxGTsZvELzfdHz5nVy-knr/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4m_c87XCACC4LOvL3ucJwCgIiNNG9x_qyVzRJnBz7lnbgWMO5hiRkEkXIrRPJf8j-w3DV5oX0eb_I4kqNaFK9LhkS4zKuuia4SH3U1oWixRzQQjuuAxMKcxQxGTsZvELzfdHz5nVy-knr/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23213.jpg" width="314" /></a>While Jill was doing this Merv was busy in what appears to be a root cellar. What was he doing? Talking to a woman who looks suspiciously like she might be Jill's mother and who is tied to a chair with a noose around her neck. Now we cut to Merv kneeling in a church singing "Rock of Ages" and running away when a priest asks if there's something on his mind. Oh, and right before the anonymous caller said "stuck goo ditch" to Jill we saw Merv peering out from inside the old barn in the Robinsons' back yard. These three things seem suspicious, especially when you add in the whole clown thing, so maybe something is up with that.<br />
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Back in the house Jill gets scared by a cat that jumps out of her dresser drawer and Gary pops by to say that, by the way, he cleaned off the graffiti and got rid of the effigy and fixed the window because he didn't want Jill to be scared. This is sweet, and because Gary looks like a Sear's men's department model it seems reasonable, even if Jill was only gone for about 20 minutes and getting red paint off a white house <i>and</i> replacing a broken window would take at least <i>25</i> minutes.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4UfBl5W2OLYSYht4d0mjFoot2aVBLkoGZXQtuypuRk9d7UOqKDNa_ar5tirTSf6pqY1Z7TBYI0Kd-ansOgI6iUfKEQ7DkXLVAKovOLvHe95Q52MlgZyUY1DDIYCnloOfwtKSLWC5y3HY/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23228.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4UfBl5W2OLYSYht4d0mjFoot2aVBLkoGZXQtuypuRk9d7UOqKDNa_ar5tirTSf6pqY1Z7TBYI0Kd-ansOgI6iUfKEQ7DkXLVAKovOLvHe95Q52MlgZyUY1DDIYCnloOfwtKSLWC5y3HY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23228.jpg" /></a>Gary and Jill decide to celebrate her homecoming by sitting in a tree house they built when they were in high school. Gary reminds Jill that one time her father caught them stucking in the tree house and Jill says how could she forget she thought her dad was going to <i>kill</i> them. Then she and Gary run through a field of goldenrod and fall down in the grass, where Gary says maybe now that Jill is back they can pick up where they left off and Jill says that, gee, she would love to but she's kind of engaged to a guy named Scott. This upsets Gary and he stomps through the goldenrod while Jill tries to convince him that being friends is even better than stucking.<br />
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Because she's allergic to goldenrod and needs to get the pollen off her, Jill takes a shower and we get to see her boobs and so on, which I suppose is terribly exciting if you're into that sort of thing. But the mood quickly changes as someone turns the cold water off and Jill is almost scalded, which causes her to put on a really short pink silk robe that she will wear for most of the rest of the movie.<br />
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Coincidentally, Merv arrives just at this moment and offers to make Jill a cup of coffee. He also kind of comes on to Jill, which isn't nearly as pleasant as the coffee is and makes Jill (and us) uncomfortable. He also says something about being a tree and birds sitting on him, which is just dumb because why would you let birds sit on you? They're descended from lizards, you know, and have those creepy lizard feet.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip5cPaz22dnAteqYqa734TmSM_sV44eJRFEVlK06-ROKsWy_hx3fbZ4ST-gBGyJuvyDBAkVPZhsRIjzjhf5h2WNDuYKYdFuHRSM0svpXuRWgLGXsgDnzxU3PsH5h3-r4oTDri-jRZSN_3j/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23219.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip5cPaz22dnAteqYqa734TmSM_sV44eJRFEVlK06-ROKsWy_hx3fbZ4ST-gBGyJuvyDBAkVPZhsRIjzjhf5h2WNDuYKYdFuHRSM0svpXuRWgLGXsgDnzxU3PsH5h3-r4oTDri-jRZSN_3j/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23219.jpg" /></a></div>That night Jill is in her bedroom and she hears a strange noise. Looking out her window she seems someone who looks a lot like like Merv sitting on the swing set in the yard. Then Scott calls and Jill is all "What do I do?" and Scott is all "Call the cops, dumbass" and Jill does. The sheriff knocks on her door a little while later and has Merv with him because--surprise--it <i>was</i> Merv on the swings. But he was only there because he didn't want anything to happen to Jill, so the sheriff tells him to go home.<br />
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The thing is, something bad <i>does</i> happen to Jill now. First the lights go out, although because she's already asleep Jill doesn't notice this. Nor does she notice the man putting an ether-soaked rag over her nose and knocking her out. But it's probably for the best, as what happens next would likely upset her. That is unless she <i>likes</i> being tied spread-eagle on her bed, <i>likes</i> having her shirt ripped open so her ladybags are exposed for everyone to see, and <i>likes</i> having Polaroid pictures taken of her like this. Which she might. I've discovered odder things about people I know.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsFL0Q4fXy1L_3KEt8RE1aRRiuAashaM2M1pHTiJizTFSvK9SZcVHgUchIvHMTUkztIbdOwSMXOs0u7OAGPw2svEvCj21U3dFYHSUqPBgtNsaxNdJ9mDo9RVC13Dp3_XDnTB-j53GwWies/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsFL0Q4fXy1L_3KEt8RE1aRRiuAashaM2M1pHTiJizTFSvK9SZcVHgUchIvHMTUkztIbdOwSMXOs0u7OAGPw2svEvCj21U3dFYHSUqPBgtNsaxNdJ9mDo9RVC13Dp3_XDnTB-j53GwWies/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23250.jpg" /></a>When Jill does wake up it's because Scott has arrived at the house. Scott looks like this.<br />
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Does something about him seem familiar? No? Here's a more recent picture below. See if this rings any bells.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXLstPlzMlbpe1GeTLULflBo0bQS_is2YSi0II2PydbqEKWVSDK7SqsAuq1rP62XrI6oEHLvyKXw8SIemhvrR44IwySWxdHdaZDa7cxN5qIumsG2YF0kTKspQ3X0nyl54Tqwx4VRVV42CX/s1600-h/peter_krause10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXLstPlzMlbpe1GeTLULflBo0bQS_is2YSi0II2PydbqEKWVSDK7SqsAuq1rP62XrI6oEHLvyKXw8SIemhvrR44IwySWxdHdaZDa7cxN5qIumsG2YF0kTKspQ3X0nyl54Tqwx4VRVV42CX/s320/peter_krause10.jpg" /></a>That's right! Scott is none other than Peter Krause of <i>Six Feet Under!</i> No, I have no idea what he was doing in Wisconsin or how he ended up in <i>Blood Harvest,</i> but I'm really glad he did because seeing Jill's boobs made me a little queasy and now I can look at Peter instead. Which is why he is the second great thing about <i>Blood Harvest.</i><br />
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Jill is pretty excited about this too, and pretty soon Scott is taking his shirt off and he and Jill are getting ready to stuck on the world's ugliest shag carpet. Only then the phone rings and Jill says she should probably get it because it might be her parents (it isn't) and Scott says in that case he's going to have a beer and Jill says he can't because her parents don't drink and there's no beer but there is juice and Scott says he doesn't like juice and will go out and get some beer. Only he doesn't get very far because he sees someone running into the old barn and decides to go check it out.<br />
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Maybe Scott has never seen a horror movie, or maybe he's so thirsty that it's affecting his judgment, but he doesn't seem to know that going into old barns never ends well and therefore it's a total surprise to him when he's whacked in the forehead by a baseball bat.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiASgmxRKWrFeJ1dhhtyNqRdHsHIVU2YXjKfwEjy3ptq1t5uyXlufiCR6IsVkpoQmFSQUUY0T-qST8B6tdAp5U19k_Dvx1MnrV8Amjp8JCCLyUSrhImResdgJd6-H1KRviEtLRqQxzoyhMG/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23253.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiASgmxRKWrFeJ1dhhtyNqRdHsHIVU2YXjKfwEjy3ptq1t5uyXlufiCR6IsVkpoQmFSQUUY0T-qST8B6tdAp5U19k_Dvx1MnrV8Amjp8JCCLyUSrhImResdgJd6-H1KRviEtLRqQxzoyhMG/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23253.jpg" width="200" /></a>Something else Scott doesn't know is that while he and Jill were working up to stucking on the shag carpet Gary was watching then through the window and getting more and more upset. But we know that because we saw it, so we start to suspect that Gary isn't as nice as he seems.<br />
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Oh, who am I kidding. Gary is the one doing all the crazy shit. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it except Jill and Scott. Only Bill Rebane has tried really hard to keep us from realizing this, so let's just pretend we haven't figured it out already. Okay? Good.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSSrtZLj_lyw9ufpYAPV1nX0os2ujaHTVXCDjTQ5f8b6wjIxPh9C08eb5MTdVOr_Q378s3MkNf8gYaFBOjbXaM0aY5b6lWiq7AprLdyYL6YNnjwnhbejCP5k17kGwVqHoCR0m67h0mnagL/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23259.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSSrtZLj_lyw9ufpYAPV1nX0os2ujaHTVXCDjTQ5f8b6wjIxPh9C08eb5MTdVOr_Q378s3MkNf8gYaFBOjbXaM0aY5b6lWiq7AprLdyYL6YNnjwnhbejCP5k17kGwVqHoCR0m67h0mnagL/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23259.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>While Scott is getting banged in the head Jill is inside practicing some ballet moves. The camera films this from a very odd angle and this is what we see.<br />
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So now we know that Jill gets a Brazilian.<br />
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Guess who shows up for coffee now? Gary! And Merv! But Merv makes Jill nervous so Gary tells him to go home. Later on Jill's friend Sarah arrives and even though Scott has been gone for the entire day Jill isn't so worried that she can't have a little fun rubbing lotion on her legs and showing Sarah pictures of her man.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC6KlZVClRj5bnh-oe_NrjodhvZ5ucXEOw1o_3lo8_pXgNphWq09ha7qhK4jZP6r6qWu-92pmmZM5E64Kg73jLauBNmcv2smjICbSQypI5lnpzvv5rDOON0Me-Y_hmdlI3C7ffLDYiy2Aq/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23268.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC6KlZVClRj5bnh-oe_NrjodhvZ5ucXEOw1o_3lo8_pXgNphWq09ha7qhK4jZP6r6qWu-92pmmZM5E64Kg73jLauBNmcv2smjICbSQypI5lnpzvv5rDOON0Me-Y_hmdlI3C7ffLDYiy2Aq/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23268.jpg" /></a>Sarah goes out to her car to get something (I forget what) and a man chases her into the barn, where he shoots an arrow through her hand. Then he rips her shirt off, hangs her upside down from a beam, and cuts her jeans off so that we see that she favors black panties. Jill, who doesn't know any of this is going on, is sitting on her bed hugging her teddy bear.<br />
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Now Sarah gets her throat cut and dies and we see Tim sitting in his kitchen praying. There are some candles around, and for some reason it reminds me of the scene in <i>Carrie </i>where Piper Laurie turns the house into a giant shrine to Jesus and prays for the soul of her daughter. And <i>that</i> makes me think that a remake of <i>Carrie</i> with Tiny Tim as Mrs. White would have been <i>awesome.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH5wFiV54PnfitXC7FxVlMeWjyFNDy4qCHRrAU_X5xvHlsWNFcvve_rCLz-JM1DfiLP1_Q2wu4tG0CkLOR3dwbcYTLUsH4mC2Xf9Pp9U0YxEoC8HT1jzOWiEEQsxPQTFwFqVCVI1AoGx4w/s1600-h/piper+laurie-martyr_mom05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH5wFiV54PnfitXC7FxVlMeWjyFNDy4qCHRrAU_X5xvHlsWNFcvve_rCLz-JM1DfiLP1_Q2wu4tG0CkLOR3dwbcYTLUsH4mC2Xf9Pp9U0YxEoC8HT1jzOWiEEQsxPQTFwFqVCVI1AoGx4w/s400/piper+laurie-martyr_mom05.jpg" width="400" /></a>And if you don't believe me maybe this image of what might have been will change your mind. <br />
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<i>Somehow</i> sensing that Jill might need a friend, Gary comes knocking and says that he's looking for Merv and hey, is something wrong? Jill says that Scott and Sarah have been gone for an awfully long time and Gary says hey, wouldn't it be funny if the two of them hooked up and ran off together and Jill says that no, it wouldn't be funny at all and Gary says he's sorry but you know he isn't.<br />
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Anyway, he leaves and Jill sits on her bed hugging her teddy bear and crying, mostly because she remembers that Sarah is kind of a slut and that she said Scott's picture was hot and so maybe she <i>would</i> try to steal him if she had the chance, which normally Scott wouldn't fall for but what with being all horned up from not being able to stuck Jill earlier in the day he might have a moral lapse, which Jill can only blame herself for because she's the one who insisted on answering the phone.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV2MxpG-gi3tBvoFpb9HWdScDcUIe5N1RZZ5Oc2-pEm0fIUM-KIu1pvpP0RlTD29G-bFV32FsUNgxnGtvI6-t1xG9d9Z9aoqdGPBxcoW49RUdGmYnB_jqnjYHsnA2h4EzBLMhyphenhyphenhrFqMV1Z/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23274.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV2MxpG-gi3tBvoFpb9HWdScDcUIe5N1RZZ5Oc2-pEm0fIUM-KIu1pvpP0RlTD29G-bFV32FsUNgxnGtvI6-t1xG9d9Z9aoqdGPBxcoW49RUdGmYnB_jqnjYHsnA2h4EzBLMhyphenhyphenhrFqMV1Z/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23274.jpg" /></a>She'd be crying even harder if she knew that at that very moment Scott is hanging upside down in the barn. But she doesn't so she goes to sleep. That's when the mystery killer comes in, etherizes her again, and takes her out to the barn, where he lays her underneath Scott and says guess what, I'm going to stuck your girlfriend and you can't do a thing about it. Watch me rub my gloved hands all over her ha ha ha hey, what's that sound?<br />
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That sound is the sheriff coming to check on Jill. So now the mystery killer has to hoof Jill back into the house and put her back in bed. Not that it matters. She's still unconscious and doesn't hear the sheriff calling her anyway, so when he drives away she's really no worse off than she was before he got there.<br />
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Scott is, though, because now <i>his</i> throat is slit and his blood is draining into a bucket. This is exactly what we used to do every fall when we slaughtered the chickens we raised, so I have an idea of what's involved and let me tell you it isn't pleasant. Also, after killing, gutting, and plucking 40 chickens you never want to eat chicken again, although now I'm mostly over it and can enjoy Buffalo wings now and again.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Vv4RBCybedkWHeRJ81BChPUqIgza1NhkjYsM25l-qkjQcRMh_ktdswqwJh1oO8IGULGdrk0zjcthujGDv4GbheiCbD92O13c79NhW70HNBWx_n2DRcrc4wSYq34OqkIn13hvqjz4oNXI/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23289.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Vv4RBCybedkWHeRJ81BChPUqIgza1NhkjYsM25l-qkjQcRMh_ktdswqwJh1oO8IGULGdrk0zjcthujGDv4GbheiCbD92O13c79NhW70HNBWx_n2DRcrc4wSYq34OqkIn13hvqjz4oNXI/s200/DVD+Snap+1%23289.jpg" width="200" /></a>Speaking of slaughtering things, we now see Merv looking at a picture. A picture of what, you ask? Why, it's a pig. A slaughtered pig. And written underneath the picture is Beulah. Beulah was Tim's dearest friend, so seeing her butchered didn't do him any favors and just adds to the drama going on in his brain.<br />
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And hey, aren't pigs slaughtered the same way Sarah and Scott have been slaughtered? Maybe that's important. Or maybe it's just a red herring, which it is because we know darn well who killed Sarah and Scott. But nice try, Bill Rebane. Agatha Christie would be proud.<br />
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That bucket of blood becomes important the next morning when Jill wakes up and goes to the kitchen to see if there's anything in the refrigerator. And there is, namely the bucket of blood. It tips out on her and she slides around in it and once again we think about <i>Carrie,</i> although instead of locking the doors of Ewen High School using telekinesis and burning everyone inside alive Jill simply cries, which isn't nearly as interesting.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvzeqilwoXse4SYpQG4QoywB2B-0pO6BJgJ4oG6Vpr8uIxLTOCbpGkiT14yVxpTC5_x4l7SZ2rokuQTitztCdpWn9Eit9u-cnvkskZbds5ymaDtKIS1RGmYAZXI-7pvoyigvQKNL9zMRBT/s1600-h/gary+creepy+triptych.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvzeqilwoXse4SYpQG4QoywB2B-0pO6BJgJ4oG6Vpr8uIxLTOCbpGkiT14yVxpTC5_x4l7SZ2rokuQTitztCdpWn9Eit9u-cnvkskZbds5ymaDtKIS1RGmYAZXI-7pvoyigvQKNL9zMRBT/s320/gary+creepy+triptych.png" width="116" /></a>Gary (shocking) appears out of nowhere to comfort her. He also takes her upstairs and helpfully undresses her in the shower, only Jill doesn't seem to notice or care because apparently things have finally gotten to her and she's checked out. This is good news for Gary, as it means he can carry Jill downstairs without putting any clothes on her and put her on the couch. He does cover her with an afghan, though, which is nice of him.<br />
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What's not so nice is that--still sopping wet--he sits in a rocking chair and watches Jill sleep. Then we have The Moment. You know the one, where the crazy person's craziness becomes really obvious. In Gary's case he gets an odd look on his face and we know somewhere inside he's crossed the line.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiREKFYy3KosZfsPexrD7gaFpUL61qB3Um0Qs0PRjykOD51QNbQv_DMKrPqCd0uf5yPfyt9UWi_XLAelXA9ubvU7tigt1eiRy9t64k02kGj2HmJz9dr7aAeQdrg5E8q88U8tK97HmaZiGzj/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23307.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiREKFYy3KosZfsPexrD7gaFpUL61qB3Um0Qs0PRjykOD51QNbQv_DMKrPqCd0uf5yPfyt9UWi_XLAelXA9ubvU7tigt1eiRy9t64k02kGj2HmJz9dr7aAeQdrg5E8q88U8tK97HmaZiGzj/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23307.jpg" /></a>He takes his clothes off and goes over to Jill, forcing us to look at his naked backside. Then he takes the afghan off Jill, kisses her breast, and finally gets on top of her. He starts making out with her and Jill, who is still kind of out of it, thinks it's Scott and makes out back. Only then she opens her eyes and sees that it's Gary and suddenly she's all get off I love you like a brother and I don't make love with my brother because this isn't West Virginia it's Wisconsin and that's illegal so put your underpants on and <i>get out.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPA0aZMBWoRU1JoGKBRiWjPNlKFLPM-KHtptI0CikKCSFb7wf78GvAEgelTIRvVRnYdQ9qjgz4h-fFHIJQ2SpRR7NGleU3B9Fw1sbeJHJcFyeMvkV9dgxoJ0_8MevdmSB26lsIolKoRKBQ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23326.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPA0aZMBWoRU1JoGKBRiWjPNlKFLPM-KHtptI0CikKCSFb7wf78GvAEgelTIRvVRnYdQ9qjgz4h-fFHIJQ2SpRR7NGleU3B9Fw1sbeJHJcFyeMvkV9dgxoJ0_8MevdmSB26lsIolKoRKBQ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23326.jpg" width="320" /></a>You know no good can come of this. But before the no good comes we see Merv looking in a mirror while wiping off his clown makeup. This is Very Important, as it symbolizes the switching of roles he and Gary have been playing. No, not literally. Tiny Tim doesn't suddenly play Gary, although that might be interesting. No, he stops being the crazy clown while Gary gets crazier and crazier. This is a deep moment, and you should watch it several times to get the full effect.<br />
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Gary is in the barn crying and Merv is in the house telling Jill that he really needs to show her something. Having already had Gary show her way more than she wanted to (but perhaps not as much as <i>we</i> would have liked him to ) Jill is understandably hesitant. But she goes with Merv, who takes her to his and Gary's house and shows her a room that is basically a shrine to his dead parents. Among other things there's a suicide note written by Gary and Merv's parents and a handful of Polaroids of dead people, from which Jill concludes that something isn't right.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD9vT6_fMObT1yU2x15y-LrsdgrPBrh3o7ghPphgI8M_vv_XWFsXREIEObyqqSsVll875OQ9GG-humACfjTh9tFlBpIUCeLVsrSpCzPzd04siXEhQrEBfcRYYt1fOwdVv_Nhgx07ft7QX0/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23335.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD9vT6_fMObT1yU2x15y-LrsdgrPBrh3o7ghPphgI8M_vv_XWFsXREIEObyqqSsVll875OQ9GG-humACfjTh9tFlBpIUCeLVsrSpCzPzd04siXEhQrEBfcRYYt1fOwdVv_Nhgx07ft7QX0/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23335.jpg" /></a>Still she's not so sure. So when Gary shows up and tells her that Merv is the crazy one and that <i>he</i> is perfectly normal, Jill doesn't know who to believe. And when Gary and Merv get into a fight she's totally confused and isn't sure who to root for.<br />
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Which may be why she shoots Merv. Or it could just be that she's a moron.<br />
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Now that Merv is dead, Gary tells Jill that everything is perfect. They can be together forever. They can run away someplace. They can get a <i>dog!</i> Jill senses that she has perhaps chosen the wrong brother to get behind, but she's smart enough (or has seen enough Lifetime movies) to pretend that she's excited too. Why, she'll just dash home, pack a suitcase, and meet Gary at the train!<br />
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This never works in Lifetime movies, and it doesn't work now. Once Gary realizes that Jill has no intention of setting up house with him he has no choice but to kill her too. This takes a very long time and becomes kind of tedious, so I'll summarize.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgysafEiTzY4cP2tBd0hQJMwKIPAXjnzSzPdL8gzhMZJqEF86h16uPz9lzfo1_pkF82zi0SujRIemTFFUjWYtKlggqKKh2YR-gorSi8LuPVDQCgnwEwqcob_T4KjhURPSBWkmncPRCZ44h6/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23347.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgysafEiTzY4cP2tBd0hQJMwKIPAXjnzSzPdL8gzhMZJqEF86h16uPz9lzfo1_pkF82zi0SujRIemTFFUjWYtKlggqKKh2YR-gorSi8LuPVDQCgnwEwqcob_T4KjhURPSBWkmncPRCZ44h6/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23347.jpg" /></a></div>First Jill runs into the barn and sees her parents, Sarah, and Scott hanging upside down like salamis in a deli window. Gary ties her up while giving a long speech about Beulah and why Merv had to create a fantasy clown world, none of which tells us anything we don't already know. Then Jill tries the "I really do love you and want to run away with you" thing again, only now Gary knows she's a liar and he isn't falling for it. Jill gets out of the ropes (or maybe she's not tied up yet, I forget) and tries to run away, but as she's standing in two feet of hay she just falls down. Yet she does manage to stab Gary through the arm with a pitchfork, so good for her.<br />
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This makes Gary angry and he chases Jill into what appears to be a Christmas tree farm. There Jill shrieks a lot and Gary makes faces like Jack Nicholson in <i>The Shining.</i> Then somehow we're in an old grain silo and there's Beulah hanging from the ceiling looking the worse for wear.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil-HlGzOdoi5AIbN8_xGsFJM3SMaH0V4b19HNa6-Fx6pVtxFFijEO3mw3PWj9VDRuaYGx3yY_s7p6bqXuFz4NEeQntrUrXEHlpdNJwQLmJkmB6lvwwyvfxU601aZDzDgR-NfRWepMObIgk/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil-HlGzOdoi5AIbN8_xGsFJM3SMaH0V4b19HNa6-Fx6pVtxFFijEO3mw3PWj9VDRuaYGx3yY_s7p6bqXuFz4NEeQntrUrXEHlpdNJwQLmJkmB6lvwwyvfxU601aZDzDgR-NfRWepMObIgk/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23350.jpg" /></a></div>Now Gary gives another speech, this time in the voice of his mother, which is novel even if Anthony Perkins did it better in <i>Psycho</i>. It's something about how pigs aren't dirty and disgusting <i>people</i> are dirty and disgusting. And I have to say, having known both pigs and people, that she's right about that. Which is why it's not nice to eat pork, unless of course it's Sichuan Harbor Pork at Xiao Loong, which is made from pigs who died in their sleep after very long and unbelievably happy lives and so eating them is more like a celebration than it is being mean.<br />
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Jill expresses doubts about Gary's sanity and Gary punches her in the face before dragging her back to the barn and trying the whole tie-you-up-and-cut-your-throat thing. Again. And this time he's just about to do it when Merv appears and shoots him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFgJDvG1T2lDTlwpe98KMXegOIHhla6Cs9zz7X5LfH1s-f8NWiefjCST96qnXQoyJTYOqEK9Uue6bH8sKwF8FFTDSw4bVmDeOmKUkM2hoXMgrSFTapdtRpiGPoRaE9N27K6X8ujtykOB_9/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23365.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFgJDvG1T2lDTlwpe98KMXegOIHhla6Cs9zz7X5LfH1s-f8NWiefjCST96qnXQoyJTYOqEK9Uue6bH8sKwF8FFTDSw4bVmDeOmKUkM2hoXMgrSFTapdtRpiGPoRaE9N27K6X8ujtykOB_9/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23365.jpg" /></a>What? You're surprised? No you're not. You knew it was coming just as well as I did.<br />
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Now Merv and Jill walk out of the barn just as dawn is breaking and we know everything will be just fine.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigQTMw2Xwnix5FwwxpgKIv4e-kVuMDmrZp07y-YJvNNAullc4mUexaExrKP_KSXqA7kNi0fWzCdaM1Wx_RS5evX0ZgDFvNhzViSAw8-bwL4wJKRnrCUcLsBCiNquHfqTAA5htYgXnBij3A/s1600-h/gary+eyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigQTMw2Xwnix5FwwxpgKIv4e-kVuMDmrZp07y-YJvNNAullc4mUexaExrKP_KSXqA7kNi0fWzCdaM1Wx_RS5evX0ZgDFvNhzViSAw8-bwL4wJKRnrCUcLsBCiNquHfqTAA5htYgXnBij3A/s320/gary+eyes.jpg" /></a>Okay, no it wont. And to prove it, the camera zooms in on Gary's bloody face just in time to catch him opening his eyes and staring right at us.<br />
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What? You're surprised? No you're not.<br />
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So the plot isn't particularly clever. Or at all clever. Still, <i>Blood Harvest</i> is worth watching simply because of Tiny Tim. And Peter Krause's stripping scene. But mostly Tiny Tim.<br />
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The problem is, you'll have a hard time finding it. Apparently Bill Rebane has been in a protracted legal battle with media company Retromedia over whether or not he gave them the rights to sell <i>Blood Harvest</i> and <i>The Giant Spider Invasion.</i> The bad news is that <i>BH</i> is no longer available, although used copies are not difficult to find. You can also sometimes find the VHS version called <i>The Marvelous Mervo</i> or the DVD version called <i>Nightmare,</i> which is Rebane's preferred title for the film. The good news is that <i>TGSI</i> is not only available, you can get an autographed copy by ordering through the official <a href="http://www.giantspiderinvasion.com/"><i>The Giant Spider Invasion</i> website.</a> And it's only $19.95!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMAtdVJ-SPOyOIhZlZ3q7dHzq00hJ3b1PmcIYPAz5X_NHANlWlvMYXUCBXSW4Imu6lfMvK1NdDaoH0OV8f0VqW8XrU2WfPLaSLFrrwZh-Q1mag1_XxXxaxvkmIYFhw3jt2DzywoTAuN9V1/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23262.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMAtdVJ-SPOyOIhZlZ3q7dHzq00hJ3b1PmcIYPAz5X_NHANlWlvMYXUCBXSW4Imu6lfMvK1NdDaoH0OV8f0VqW8XrU2WfPLaSLFrrwZh-Q1mag1_XxXxaxvkmIYFhw3jt2DzywoTAuN9V1/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23262.jpg" /></a>Although most of the actors who appear in <i>Blood Harvest</i> never made another film, and even director Bill Rebane made only one more (<i>Twister's Revenge!</i>), there are some exceptions. The first is of course Peter Krause, who went on to star in series including <i>Sports Night, Six Feet Under</i> and<i> Dirty Sexy Money,</i> and who currently can be seen in the series <i>Parenthood.</i> Another is actor Dean West, who played Gary but was credited under the name Ed Bevin. He also starred (as Dean West) in <i>Twister's Revenge!</i>, which is about three idiots who steal a monster truck. You know, the kind they use at rallies where the trucks crush cars and whatnot. Oh, and this one talks. So yeah.<br />
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Lastly we have Lori Minnetti, who plays Sarah in <i>BH.</i> She did a couple more things, including a small film called <i>Six Bullets</i> (2007) in which she apparently plays a clown. How thrilling is that? Totally thrilling. Also, she lost an <i>n</i> and is now Lori Minetti. I'm trying to track down a copy of the film through the director, and will of course share it with you should I find it. Oh, Minetti was also the face of the Wisconsin Lottery as hostess of its weekly television show <i>Money Game.</i><br />
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As I said earlier, I think Tiny Tim has gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to his music. "Tip Toe Thru' the Tulips" made him what he was, but in some ways it also killed him. In fact he died in 1996 after having a heart attack while performing the song at a gala for The Woman's Club of Minneapolis. And yes it's The <i>Woman's</i> Club. I guess because it has only one member.<br />
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Tiny Tim was so much more than that song. Take a listen to two of what I think are his most interesting songs, renditions of "Stairway to Heaven" and "Over the Rainbow" performed with Brave Combo on the album <i>Girl</i> from 1996. This was Tim's last studio recording, and well worth listening to. <br />
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Stairway to Heaven<br />
Brave Combo and Tiny Tim<br />
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Over the Rainbow<br />
Brave Combo and Tiny Tim<br />
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Speaking of music, Tiny Tim didn't just act in <i>Blood Harvest</i> he sang the theme song. "Marvelous Mervo" is surely one of the most unforgettable horror film themes ever written, and lucky for you I have it for your listening pleasure. Here you go:<br />
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Marvelous Mervo<br />
Tiny Tim<br />
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Favorite Line: "Jesus Christ, Jake, you wackadoo--you shot her in the head."<br />
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Rating (Out of 5):<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/4clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="75" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/4clowns.png" width="320" /></a></div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-49746325780878313202010-02-15T00:00:00.000-08:002010-02-15T15:55:46.625-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #13: Clown Dolls in Film, Part I<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGNI_2pXS49U016nNQ28lOTOAr5B00TnTWM1bye_1ZAD_zQn5xR4ETW-fNVy8zbKPoF8ylZlVSjs9LcjeVlvp56XUb7W65we-JASEo2dY8REnRlVZ-gUQaWOHeFWmSCBI742BUk22NomE_/s1600-h/poltergeist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGNI_2pXS49U016nNQ28lOTOAr5B00TnTWM1bye_1ZAD_zQn5xR4ETW-fNVy8zbKPoF8ylZlVSjs9LcjeVlvp56XUb7W65we-JASEo2dY8REnRlVZ-gUQaWOHeFWmSCBI742BUk22NomE_/s320/poltergeist.jpg" /></a></div>Let's just get right to this. The clown doll from <i>Poltergeist</i> (1982) is hands-down the scariest clown doll in all of history. It caused a generation of kids to pee their pants and be forever scarred to the point where just seeing a clown doll results in hysteria.<br />
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In the event that you were raised Amish and never saw it during your <i>rumspringa,</i> or have suffered a blow to the head and don't remember it, let me briefly explain the plot of <i>Poltergeist.</i><br />
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The Freeling family--dad Steve, mom Diane, teenage daughter Dana, adolescent Robbie, and 4-year-old Carol Anne--live in suburban Cuesta Verde Estates. (That's "Green Hills Estates" for you who <i>no habla español</i>.) Steve (Craig T. Nelson) is a sales rep for the development company, while Diane (JoBeth Williams) stays home and wears short-shorts. Dana (Dominique Dunne) is some kind of teenage Jezebel (at one point she suggests that she's intimately acquainted with the rooms at the local Holiday Inn) and Robbie (Oliver Robins) and Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) are typical American children, which is to say that they have too many toys and are kind of whiny.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjow4GAHmJ_z5mt084UeA6ZGLzw8AQo-7cltyJBeyiWyOVk8WbfdIwfU3c7bLDlkO2knjIzk7W4OvP1TylOcOT8SEEDTnLBONWwOYFmQ2CcWvs_1tnpSPzmRAuZf-Kyl9ZgbN_Zmg7idtFM/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23394.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjow4GAHmJ_z5mt084UeA6ZGLzw8AQo-7cltyJBeyiWyOVk8WbfdIwfU3c7bLDlkO2knjIzk7W4OvP1TylOcOT8SEEDTnLBONWwOYFmQ2CcWvs_1tnpSPzmRAuZf-Kyl9ZgbN_Zmg7idtFM/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23394.jpg" /></a>One day weird stuff starts to happen. Specifically, little Carol Anne starts talking to the television because there are people trapped inside it and apparently she's the only one who can hear them. Eventually the TV people (as her mother refers to them) come out of the TV and into the house, causing no end of bother. They make chairs move around, cause people to hallucinate, freak out the dog and, worst of all, suck Carol Anne into the house with them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFwNTMd2P9PJVJgHMBnfeWyFkD0SLFZMbP6rteiIxy202ur-kjg3Mw-mYFo6w3LofNj6Gg26Vh-RpyKcOb5FhDvD4hv3eauwnlqyZ0Y6w8D3vsW72pGkgUSF83qi87YsB9C86Iuj6YKm3X/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-01-30+at+5.21.13+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFwNTMd2P9PJVJgHMBnfeWyFkD0SLFZMbP6rteiIxy202ur-kjg3Mw-mYFo6w3LofNj6Gg26Vh-RpyKcOb5FhDvD4hv3eauwnlqyZ0Y6w8D3vsW72pGkgUSF83qi87YsB9C86Iuj6YKm3X/s320/Screen+shot+2010-01-30+at+5.21.13+PM.png" width="155" /></a></div>But the clown is the point, so let's move on. First, let's give credit where credit is due. The doll was made especially for the film by sculptor and painter Annette Little. Little had a shop--appropriately called Here Come the Clowns--in San Diego, California. She made all kinds of clown-related items, from banks to mugs to trinket boxes. Her work is still sought after, and you can occasionally find it on ebay. (At right is a photo of one of her soft sculpture dolls that recently appeared at auction, and below is one of her cowboy clown figurines.) How Spielberg happened upon her I don't know, but aren't we glad he did? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUNa6jUN8B8s0T1gvdLgA1F_bpTOTwsTLZQ1Q7f5FOt5ltZ6J4D78-HWQfPF5kXlCs2C-e3zI_SnAuG8PG-Gnu8m4muEOXctHqQCsiKj2P1HWpckkMdhpKYUfdfMPThHTe5zWXh86sXuqQ/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-01-30+at+5.26.37+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUNa6jUN8B8s0T1gvdLgA1F_bpTOTwsTLZQ1Q7f5FOt5ltZ6J4D78-HWQfPF5kXlCs2C-e3zI_SnAuG8PG-Gnu8m4muEOXctHqQCsiKj2P1HWpckkMdhpKYUfdfMPThHTe5zWXh86sXuqQ/s320/Screen+shot+2010-01-30+at+5.26.37+PM.png" width="215" /></a> Although it appears only a handful of times, the <i>Poltergeist</i> clown is arguably the most memorable thing from the film, which underscores just how much star power he has. To get the fullest picture of his work in the film let us examine his scenes one at a time. I'll list them by the time (in hours, minutes and seconds) into the film when they occur.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjyI1-hbYJx_pbqiRXobus3Q1sIyx094WWXueg9ntvvdUWQBJt4EgaD7mtZvaijTQ0Q86mp7-JMBqFOg47zm0JDdhfxcZdeupI3UCd2XOoY3AZDccywQPeGDuVCrNNkJNxwkQR8I_CjIm2/s1600-h/tantaun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjyI1-hbYJx_pbqiRXobus3Q1sIyx094WWXueg9ntvvdUWQBJt4EgaD7mtZvaijTQ0Q86mp7-JMBqFOg47zm0JDdhfxcZdeupI3UCd2XOoY3AZDccywQPeGDuVCrNNkJNxwkQR8I_CjIm2/s320/tantaun.jpg" /></a></div>0:11:52 We first see the clown doll in Robbie and Carol Anne's room. He's a little creepy simply because he's a clown, but he seems fairly jolly. Still, it becomes obvious that little Robbie is scared of him, probably because Diane has positioned him in a chair at the foot of Robbie's bed so that he's constantly staring at the kid.<br />
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It's also obvious that Robbie likes <i>Star Wars,</i> as his side of the room is crammed with every <i>Star Wars</i> toy made at that time, including the Tauntaun with open belly rescue feature that was the coolest thing ever made. This is not really a surprise given that Star Wars creator George Lucas and <i>Poltergeist</i> producer Steven Spielberg are best buddies and that the special effects in <i>Poltergeist</i> were done by Lucas's Industrial Light & Magic. (My favorite <i>Star Wars </i>moment is when Carol Anne sucks on a Luke Skywalker action figure while trying to get to sleep.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKe7AC1Bb48mFNgAKp2CdRnmyEwb43geLkb07V08mcuSMMdgSLKOP72sUYwMH7ImHfrGijPs1PQW9Ojtj8I7H0Z4osLgB5wpJcXfPCvh33T8KtyEdW01tQZ9hrPdAWiTqVSChGflmbg2N/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23456.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVKe7AC1Bb48mFNgAKp2CdRnmyEwb43geLkb07V08mcuSMMdgSLKOP72sUYwMH7ImHfrGijPs1PQW9Ojtj8I7H0Z4osLgB5wpJcXfPCvh33T8KtyEdW01tQZ9hrPdAWiTqVSChGflmbg2N/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23456.jpg" width="257" /></a>In addition to <i>Star Wars</i> stuff the product placement for other 80's games and products is out of control. At times while watching <i>Poltergeist</i> I feel as if I'm watching a commercial for my entire childhood. We have <i>Peanuts</i> toys, Crispy Wheats & Raisins cereal, even the <i>Today</i> show's Gene Shalit giving his movie reviews while the Freelings eat breakfast. One of my favorite moments, by the way, is when Diane finds Carol Anne watching static on the television set (that's how she hears the voices), tells her, "You're going to ruin your eyes," and changes the channel to a violent war movie. Good parenting skills, Diane. <br />
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But back to the clown.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzu9wEkQcFE8Sm96CZxn8J6qKP4QjKZ8TbvMqYDLpIk7BmrIQQIciS40BJL09wE3-rlA7gfpT-Lv5D7PtFOvdygkgd-NHOkQh8aUYYEBzUMsHME6n0xoMaA2CLrq2Lkfi80CHQ4yt8bWK/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23398.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzu9wEkQcFE8Sm96CZxn8J6qKP4QjKZ8TbvMqYDLpIk7BmrIQQIciS40BJL09wE3-rlA7gfpT-Lv5D7PtFOvdygkgd-NHOkQh8aUYYEBzUMsHME6n0xoMaA2CLrq2Lkfi80CHQ4yt8bWK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23398.jpg" /></a>0:17:09 Robbie wakes up and there's a thunderstorm. The clown is staring at him so he pretends his finger is a gun and shoots it. This does not have the desired effect, so he gets up and throws his Chewbacca jacket over the clown so that it won't stare at him while he sleeps. Also, he's freaked out by the creepy old tree outside his window. After being frightened by more lightning, he and Carol Anne run into Mom and Dad's room and sleep there, which is a good idea.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMQkP9I7R73qc3ClC3A1cq4DbjUVOnr7ENXR7nInGHRSRmGGCP0FwGDpy8Q5XxGWGu92YVeJeub2EnAnty0Nlqv96gJ7CaD9_9ESdYX1Zv-aAoPfcgMpAjx6duHeimroKyC-RZiY3Jmf9Q/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23390.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMQkP9I7R73qc3ClC3A1cq4DbjUVOnr7ENXR7nInGHRSRmGGCP0FwGDpy8Q5XxGWGu92YVeJeub2EnAnty0Nlqv96gJ7CaD9_9ESdYX1Zv-aAoPfcgMpAjx6duHeimroKyC-RZiY3Jmf9Q/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23390.jpg" width="232" /></a>It's a particularly a good idea because we get to see a lot of Craig T. Nelson wearing just his pajama bottoms. For some of us this was a defining moment in our lives. I'm just saying. <br />
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0:36:24 There's another terrible storm that scares Robbie, but not as much as he's scared when the creepy old tree outside comes to life, reaches through the window to grab him, and then proceeds to eat him. Also, everything in the room is sucked into the closet, including Carol Anne, whose cheap wicker headboard is no match for the vortex of evil.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5o1Q3c8Nd4sKlfrizmU2eDALJkuBfsEx8mkTjxvwHVh1m0wgE3d5Z1CbdwRBgdH7iuhwBtOQcZF0_daCUNuzM6awsy8KgdWFl1lab8AePBeDo7qt-HnxZUVkrmCZ44QImBTG44Z64C5xk/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23416.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5o1Q3c8Nd4sKlfrizmU2eDALJkuBfsEx8mkTjxvwHVh1m0wgE3d5Z1CbdwRBgdH7iuhwBtOQcZF0_daCUNuzM6awsy8KgdWFl1lab8AePBeDo7qt-HnxZUVkrmCZ44QImBTG44Z64C5xk/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23416.jpg" /></a>When her parents (having, unfortunately, rescued Robbie from the tree) search the closet looking for Carol Anne they find a body covered in a blanket. Thinking it's their daughter they get all upset, only when they pull the blanket off they find the clown doll. This makes them feel better, which is a mistake.<br />
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0:45:11 Deciding to be proactive, Steve contacts a trio of researchers at a nearby university. My favorite part of this scene is that the door to their department is labeled: Popular Beliefs, Superstitions, and Parapsychology. Which is how you know the movie is set in California.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLWx-fMqMp0VICR1GaqUBjLhRkpsv7VjsfIC-8M0ho0f_aTvflitgMpr6vH63VOZMI-Zj8HPfqIoSRxUC3Bnk4afnlQvOXCfUDpDjf86VH3oJhWiiqOLVKFhXpGy21DeET8HxGffwLXFrF/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23404.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLWx-fMqMp0VICR1GaqUBjLhRkpsv7VjsfIC-8M0ho0f_aTvflitgMpr6vH63VOZMI-Zj8HPfqIoSRxUC3Bnk4afnlQvOXCfUDpDjf86VH3oJhWiiqOLVKFhXpGy21DeET8HxGffwLXFrF/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23404.jpg" /></a>The researchers are of course dying to see for themselves what's going on at the Freeling house so the pack up all their ghost tracking paraphernalia in the Mystery Machine and drive over. They're particularly interested in seeing the kids' room. Upon opening the door they find the toys in the room swirling around. The clown is sitting on the bed, twirling around as if he's riding a carousel.<br />
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1:38:48 The clown goes away for a bit while Carol Anne is taken away by the poltergeists and everyone tries to figure out what they want, but he returns with a vengeance. Having rescued Carol Anne from the poltergeists with the help of pint-sized psychic Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein), the Freelings are moving out of the house, for which you can hardly blame them. But first they have to spend one last night there. Of course.<br />
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Things go poorly for them. It all starts when Robbie wakes up to find the clown missing from its spot on the chair. He decides to look for it under the bed, which is the only time he shows even a hint of having any balls. He's relieved to find nothing under the bed. Unfortunately for him it's because the clown is on top of the bed. It attacks, throttling him with arms that suddenly grow unnaturally long.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9aRFE6j72E4lXZtMCh68qr26k29y4UB1oNnVlBpiwe2ll_QnF7g9GOFUMpTv812_xePKYn82fqiX3tuwQCcMJy9e0Y1_lR7fHu_0TuANrAfKfJC8Ydm9fnbVvBD2c5lao8ZnMKlNMmppj/s1600-h/robbie+triptych.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9aRFE6j72E4lXZtMCh68qr26k29y4UB1oNnVlBpiwe2ll_QnF7g9GOFUMpTv812_xePKYn82fqiX3tuwQCcMJy9e0Y1_lR7fHu_0TuANrAfKfJC8Ydm9fnbVvBD2c5lao8ZnMKlNMmppj/s320/robbie+triptych.jpg" width="416" /></a></div>I suspect this makes me a bad person, but I was hoping the clown would win this one. Robbie is <i>really</i> annoying, and I don't think anyone would miss him. To me he resembles a Margaret Keane sad-eyed waif painting. See for yourself in the triptych here. Although he cleaned up pretty well later on (and became a director), so perhaps I'm being harsh. Still, because of his incessant blubbering throughout the movie, it's disappointing when Robbie fights back and rips the clown to pieces.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAL-pDP4s1hft-3YKFeprcfRc5yEIyfdrxZYNNmnNp83DlNj1vFsgHEY_PFqluUEegKCxvYb2IoJN4-n7tm0WE02w8b-Cyg2u0wbNmwodsgMCJeZqLmP-lzUNhzRSybGtCmlBeznd50uHH/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23435.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAL-pDP4s1hft-3YKFeprcfRc5yEIyfdrxZYNNmnNp83DlNj1vFsgHEY_PFqluUEegKCxvYb2IoJN4-n7tm0WE02w8b-Cyg2u0wbNmwodsgMCJeZqLmP-lzUNhzRSybGtCmlBeznd50uHH/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23435.jpg" /></a>But the clown isn't the last of the family's problems. Diane, who after enjoying a relaxing bubble bath has been forcibly dragged up her bedroom wall and across the ceiling while wearing only her panties and someone's old football jersey, now manages to fall down the stairs. Then she tumbles into the hole that has recently been dug in the back yard for a swimming pool and finds herself surrounded by skeletons and coffins. When she gets out she runs upstairs to discover that what appears to be a giant rectum has materialized in the kids' closet and that Robbie and Carol Anne are about to be sucked into it. (Curiously, Carol Anne's wicker headboard now seems to be whole again, but I suppose they could have purchased another one at J.C. Penny's in the interim.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpUZuU3OC9gKcEuFidmjB7zyIsCcxMZp3l3qUyUHO-V-ii5DQuASXd68rx8ELGC6NuwcHf1obQ3Q7IcK-SxBSk2VHdAyecX1ZBYAq19UwLpYlLptsNZUKJu5ot_q7xE3btyH2d_dApOf9K/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23459.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpUZuU3OC9gKcEuFidmjB7zyIsCcxMZp3l3qUyUHO-V-ii5DQuASXd68rx8ELGC6NuwcHf1obQ3Q7IcK-SxBSk2VHdAyecX1ZBYAq19UwLpYlLptsNZUKJu5ot_q7xE3btyH2d_dApOf9K/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23459.jpg" /></a></div>Of course Mom gets the kids out of the room and everyone runs outside just in time for the house to be sucked into the ground and for Steve to appear with his boss, who he now confronts and accuses of not having moved the graves of the people who he learned earlier in the film are buried beneath Cuesta Verde Estates. Not that it much matters now.<br />
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That's more or less the end.<br />
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There are a number of interesting stories about the making of <i>Poltergeist</i> that have nothing to do with clowns but which I'm including here because I feel like it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyJv1pSdZ0XH-eCCICaAOV1aFWWSYSooWyEVr-p3tEp-3C_eCxulAzSQAOa7izeTlnCVInDZsOOBGZuLPk9Gey_YtJd1EEh_yOJdoG-BGEuOsedi9DifO0_Ulp_cKxIlYo_0kFv9wBUGG1/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23462.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyJv1pSdZ0XH-eCCICaAOV1aFWWSYSooWyEVr-p3tEp-3C_eCxulAzSQAOa7izeTlnCVInDZsOOBGZuLPk9Gey_YtJd1EEh_yOJdoG-BGEuOsedi9DifO0_Ulp_cKxIlYo_0kFv9wBUGG1/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23462.jpg" /></a>First is the curse. On November 04, five months to the day following <i>Poltergeist</i>'s release and a few weeks shy of her 23rd birthday, actress Dominique Dunne (daughter of novelist Dominick Dunne and sister to actor Griffin Dunne), who played Dana Freeling, died of injuries sustained a few days earlier when she was attacked and strangled by her estranged boyfriend.<br />
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Her on-screen sister, Heather O'Rourke, also seemed to be haunted by misfortune. After filming the 1986 sequel to <i>Poltergeist</i> (<i>Poltergeist II: The Other Side</i>) she was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, a chronic inflammation of the intestine. During filming of <i>Poltergeist III</i> the following year she was visibly ill, and in January of 1988, at the age of 12, she died of cardiac arrest brought on by septic shock related to her intestinal problems.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg9dxSsTZ7HjzAd67WQAlkNxMc58dqpqfMJBBef3NiGf95ZMR-EGCzCpRuEkkq6vSH2rS4wyT-QMppc_IKhs828QpvcLS9cCR4FQLy8hFj27QQQ3ZXlJZGYqRwr3VHborNITMPLo4QA7aa/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23447.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg9dxSsTZ7HjzAd67WQAlkNxMc58dqpqfMJBBef3NiGf95ZMR-EGCzCpRuEkkq6vSH2rS4wyT-QMppc_IKhs828QpvcLS9cCR4FQLy8hFj27QQQ3ZXlJZGYqRwr3VHborNITMPLo4QA7aa/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23447.jpg" /></a></div>Perhaps more intriguing (albeit not life-threatening) is the question of who directed <i>Poltergeist.</i> Tobe Hooper (director, most famously, of <i>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) </i>is credited, but it's long been believed that Steven Spielberg did most of the work. Spielberg, whose contract with Universal to direct the upcoming <i>E.T.</i> prevented him from directing any other picture until that one was completed, could not officially direct the film. However, the notoriously territorial writer/director was reportedly involved in virtually every shot. Additionally, after turning in his cut of the film Hooper was never again involved in the editing process, and the finished product is said to bear little resemblance to his version.<br />
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Although some of the film's cast, including Craig T. Nelson and Oliver Robins, have defended Hooper's work on <i>Poltergeist</i>, others have been less kind. Interviewed later about the issue, Zelda Rubinstein reportedly laughed and said, "Tobe Hooper couldn't even direct traffic!"<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtETB0FlWkkOnxmYfJ2LQronbti9wWtCkpdsD8N_rxgI5hgxJaEOjzRL_0iMvxMP2zHn9KqcyDc_6ZHv0EC-7YNRS6lwIwsX7RJ3SrAgSzSjz1gTwzGNR2lxzM2eI2AapH2uJcJYMdEyM3/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23371.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtETB0FlWkkOnxmYfJ2LQronbti9wWtCkpdsD8N_rxgI5hgxJaEOjzRL_0iMvxMP2zHn9KqcyDc_6ZHv0EC-7YNRS6lwIwsX7RJ3SrAgSzSjz1gTwzGNR2lxzM2eI2AapH2uJcJYMdEyM3/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23371.jpg" /></a></div>The question became public when early trailers for the film listed "A Steven Spielberg Production" in type twice the size of "A Tobe Hooper Film." Hooper complained to the Directors Guild of America, which fined MGM $200,000 (later reduced to a $15,000 payment to Hooper) and ordered them to take out ads in trade magazine <i>Variety</i> correcting the wording that in their words "denigrated the role of the director."<br />
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Oh, the drama! Still, not even a curse or a directors' catfight is as frightening as that clown doll. By the way, if for some reason you should want your very own replica of that doll, you can purchase a life-size version (in either a "nice" or "evil" version) for a mere $1200 from <a href="http://www.supermongrel.net/productpages/poltergeistclowndoll.html">Supermongrel Studios.</a><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU2vMHOybk_ESBOIy4dy_AISdFci6mH9ToUhp1e1LFB_jlmUYmSg28CugbP8HZ3aWILPuLn803DkOhDUuyiNTCNTjWH6r7HpKtkwtt4fE2w4_ZyA22Qj7NBSi0MT2_JEvevi5T7uTkM0Qo/s1600-h/ghosthouse0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU2vMHOybk_ESBOIy4dy_AISdFci6mH9ToUhp1e1LFB_jlmUYmSg28CugbP8HZ3aWILPuLn803DkOhDUuyiNTCNTjWH6r7HpKtkwtt4fE2w4_ZyA22Qj7NBSi0MT2_JEvevi5T7uTkM0Qo/s320/ghosthouse0.jpg" width="183" /></a></div>It's clear that famed Italian superschlock director Umberto Lenzi liked the <i>Poltergeist </i>doll because he totally ripped it off for his 1988 haunted house thriller <i>Ghosthouse.</i><br />
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Seriously, these guys are twins, right down to the way they switch from good clown to evil clown. If they weren't separated at birth I don't know who was.<br />
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Apart from stealing the clown, however, Lenzi's film isn't really much like <i>Poltergeist</i> at all. The story centers around a little girl (variously called Henrietta and Henriette) who died under mysterious circumstances. Also dead are her parents, under not-so-mysterious circumstances because we see it all happen.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqu1wo7tbbx9nKxfa4ipw15Bs0fqB0hKXpoEw7QfsPuutBIBZBvDXgLJe_RWcTKfyesEOkzdaijQuYUxEpAzuXAi8dDSxMffXTby3STJjars4bUiSyvI22TrsiGGiuGJc_-gKMIaBmLOsq/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%233.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqu1wo7tbbx9nKxfa4ipw15Bs0fqB0hKXpoEw7QfsPuutBIBZBvDXgLJe_RWcTKfyesEOkzdaijQuYUxEpAzuXAi8dDSxMffXTby3STJjars4bUiSyvI22TrsiGGiuGJc_-gKMIaBmLOsq/s320/DVD+Snap+1%233.jpg" width="223" /></a>Fast forward 20 years and a ham radio enthusiast named Paul (a humpy Greg Scott, who like Craig T. Nelson in <i>Poltergeist</i> also spends a gratifying amount of time in just his pajama bottoms) starts hearing strange things over the airwaves, including someone calling for help and a girl screaming. He finds this odd and tells his girlfriend about it. Her name is Martha, and she apparently doesn't speak English because all her lines are dubbed. (I'm joking. Although shot around Boston, the film was made for Italian audiences and I suspect German actress Lara Wendel's accent might have been too heavy.)<br />
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Paul manages to use sorcery and cunning to locate the origin of the broadcast and he and Martha set out to see what's going on. Along the way they pick up a hitchhiker named Pepe who scares Martha with a fake skeleton hand and somehow gets $5 out of her pants pocket before being dropped off, leaving us wondering what he hell's he's doing in the movie at all.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyi7oEWJsYhm87JExRrRtIpkSPlFpwrT7BoHelwx_Xr81X8tBfpE2-J3Y9xlYi-6D2gj8dErNZb3rv795xLWtvPRN78yjpyRBvJV0dQkN-WrCcekzAUTuzLjfW1srKteya9CfvunF79Xp7/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2312.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyi7oEWJsYhm87JExRrRtIpkSPlFpwrT7BoHelwx_Xr81X8tBfpE2-J3Y9xlYi-6D2gj8dErNZb3rv795xLWtvPRN78yjpyRBvJV0dQkN-WrCcekzAUTuzLjfW1srKteya9CfvunF79Xp7/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2312.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>When they arrive at the house Paul and Martha are confronted by a scary old dude who hates computers and looks like your typical crazy caretaker character and so I've dubbed him Mr. Crankypants even though his name is really Valkos (which I didn't find out until watching the credits, as I couldn't understand what people were calling him). He tells them to go away. They don't.<br />
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Then Martha sees a giant dead bat and says there's something evil about the house. They go inside anyway (you know you would too) and find a lot of dusty furniture and a calendar turned to May 23, 1967. Martha touches the large assortment of knives in the kitchen and then she and Paul hear a noise and go upstairs. There they find the ham radio they're looking for. They also find its owner, Jim, who says he's there with his sister Tina, his friend Mark, and Mark's girlfriend Susan, all of whom are supposedly outside in a camper that Paul and Martha somehow managed not to see.<br />
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Jim is curious why Paul and Martha are there and Paul says, "Because I'm a ham radio nerd too, Jim" and plays him the tape of the broadcast he heard. It's clear that it's Jim's voice calling for help, and he says the scream sounds like Tina, but since neither of them have done that yet he's a little freaked out by it all.<br />
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Now Martha hears music playing. She'll hear it a lot during the movie, as will we. It's a strange mix of circus music and what sounds like a child's voice saying something like, "Are you there? Are you there? Pineapple upside down cake. Are you there?" Really, you can't make it out. I've tried.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPh7q9HZ_3ilVo5GCmYRFGn_1mEny8axdisqwY24C8eF0h1_Q4dEMdxApLlRnNNoOf1ZuTuIaFGHVVHAA_nMOCRWUu60_HkZuDLotI_ty4zTjy9skRr0JQE30wfOsjIWQzbJTdm5fD3NxG/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2315.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPh7q9HZ_3ilVo5GCmYRFGn_1mEny8axdisqwY24C8eF0h1_Q4dEMdxApLlRnNNoOf1ZuTuIaFGHVVHAA_nMOCRWUu60_HkZuDLotI_ty4zTjy9skRr0JQE30wfOsjIWQzbJTdm5fD3NxG/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2315.jpg" width="204" /></a>So Martha follows the music and ends up in the cellar where she sees some jars of jam explode and finds a head in the washing machine. This is upsetting and she screams. Only no one hears her because outside Susan has arrived on a motorcycle and it's really loud. Also, she gets into it with Tina, who is sucking on a lollipop so that we understand she's a little immature for a teenager.<br />
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Later on, after they finally hear Martha screaming and go see what's up but don't find a head in the washer, we discover that Tina is apparently a little liar because Susan has found out that Tina ran away from boarding school and isn't really on spring break like she said she was. Tina gets mad and says she's not a liar and because they're fighting nobody notices Mr. Crankyjeans spying on them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYor_t90LZ0a6IDAohUXWKNg4Y0KPTl-ckCpGtHyFbaScQuq2raiIKM2PMYbIZBA2ru8xpZw_gxhbd6BPponFaPA62XVjYFRpJtMSQWqqVojr-fUGl_va82ULQGpxmXUS17cCS7iO9BYoP/s1600-h/tv+pics.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYor_t90LZ0a6IDAohUXWKNg4Y0KPTl-ckCpGtHyFbaScQuq2raiIKM2PMYbIZBA2ru8xpZw_gxhbd6BPponFaPA62XVjYFRpJtMSQWqqVojr-fUGl_va82ULQGpxmXUS17cCS7iO9BYoP/s320/tv+pics.jpg" /></a></div>Mark tells Susan to shut it and tells Tina to go into the camper and watch TV. She's perfectly happy to do this, at least until a picture of a little girl holding a clown doll comes on and then the little girl starts to cry blood. This makes Tina wish she'd watched <i>Who's the Boss?</i> featuring her crush Tony Danza instead but it's too late so she deals with it by screaming loudly.<br />
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No one hears her because they're in the attic doing nerd things with the radios, so Tina's left to figure things out for herself when the camper starts rocking back and forth and this is a lot to ask of her, I think, given that her super tight denim skirt makes it difficult to move quickly.<br />
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She's lucky compared to her brother Jim, though, who goes into the basement when he hears a noise, sees the girl and the clown, and is killed when a blade flies off of an old, unplugged fan and neatly severs his jugular. So now Tina is not only struggling with her skirt and with being called a liar, she now has no brother and even if she doesn't know it yet it's sad for her.<br />
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She finds out soon enough when she runs into the house looking for Jim and sees the ghost girl and the clown and then Jim's lifeless body. She screams some more, everyone comes running, and Mark is confronted by an angry Doberman Pinscher because everyone knows they and Rottweilers represent evil (see: <i>The Omen</i>). Tina is also threatened--by Mr. Crankypants, who chases her with a cleaver and is finally thwarted by Mark but not before Mr. Crankypants puts a pitchfork through Mark's arm and Mark has to be rescued by Paul.<br />
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I know, a lot happens and it all moves very quickly, but we like that in a scary movie. Besides, it means the clown is coming up again. Which he does, right after Susan and Paul leave to take Mark to a hospital and Martha tells Tina that she believes her about the clown and Tina is relieved because, "Everyone thinks I lie all the time." Which they might not, Tina, if you didn't.<br />
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Since everyone else is gone Martha has to go into the house alone (Tina has been given a tranquilizer and is sleepy) when she hears barking and sees a light on. And now it's her turn to meet the clown. She goes into what turns out to be Henrietta's bedroom and finds a trunk. And inside the trunk is? That's right.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSBkUcrDFLViRPfjNUlJOaWUdCjtXPvhXQN7LGRPT2y2GwnmmPej71KfIwhtiNx8dWe_92J4GC8syDOx7BnTQmM-f8nUxjbJ17HnOrJ6DwICC3q-4WS1UKWlvWkedO53o7QFhDVJlM7-wP/s1600-h/good+bad+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSBkUcrDFLViRPfjNUlJOaWUdCjtXPvhXQN7LGRPT2y2GwnmmPej71KfIwhtiNx8dWe_92J4GC8syDOx7BnTQmM-f8nUxjbJ17HnOrJ6DwICC3q-4WS1UKWlvWkedO53o7QFhDVJlM7-wP/s320/good+bad+clown.jpg" /></a>At first the clown doll looks cheery, but then Martha looks again and sees that it really isn't. And its character becomes even more questionable when it becomes life-size and tries to kill her. There's quite a long and thrilling scene in which they struggle before Martha throws the clown off her and it disappears.<br />
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It's also at this point that we perhaps start thinking, "Haven't I seen this before?" And if you have seen <i>Poltergeist</i> the answer to that is yes, you have. But this is totally different because Tina is a grownup and a girl and not a little boy and there's no scary tree so please don't insinuate that anybody copied anybody else because, as Tina says, nobody likes to be accused of things they didn't do.<br />
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Even if they did do them.<br />
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At that very moment Paul bursts in, apparently having driven 600 miles an hour to get to the hospital and back so quickly. Since the clown is gone now he looks at Martha as if perhaps she has taken one of Tina's tranquilizers.<br />
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Now the police show up to take Jim's body away and a Lieutenant Ferguson (in the credits his character is listed as Lieu Tenant, which is what happens when Italians try to make sense of English while composing film credits). He tells Paul and the others that the house was once lived in by the Baker family, who we saw done in at the start of the film, and that little Henrietta Baker was found dead in the cellar. He also tells them that they're trespassing and should leave.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4gJB1EZoWl95CUXWWcGjyJGEnSs11j4vqYkPhRDVWo5Nh-9D5He8D5nddr44vRbs98k_TUgFHWpaxsRpw1DVD3iL0oyeWDS0US1rhtqtHTFZZDvhH_wO2_dZi-xmAC_HmsprX9CtjuVbI/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2355.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4gJB1EZoWl95CUXWWcGjyJGEnSs11j4vqYkPhRDVWo5Nh-9D5He8D5nddr44vRbs98k_TUgFHWpaxsRpw1DVD3iL0oyeWDS0US1rhtqtHTFZZDvhH_wO2_dZi-xmAC_HmsprX9CtjuVbI/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2355.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4gJB1EZoWl95CUXWWcGjyJGEnSs11j4vqYkPhRDVWo5Nh-9D5He8D5nddr44vRbs98k_TUgFHWpaxsRpw1DVD3iL0oyeWDS0US1rhtqtHTFZZDvhH_wO2_dZi-xmAC_HmsprX9CtjuVbI/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2355.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>Paul and Martha go back to Boston after Mark assures them that he, Susan, and Tina will leave too as soon as they pack up the camper. Back in Boston Paul tries to decipher the weird rhyme everyone has been hearing and uses his computer to find out that the word "burial" is in there somewhere. He and Martha get into a fight because he tells her a story she doesn't understand and he asks her if she's gone stupid and she asks him how he managed to become a jerk while she was in the shower washing her hair. Really, she does. Then she storms out.<br />
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Paul doesn't really care because he was kind of tired of not being able to understand her accent and he calls Lieutenant Ferguson to ask him what Mr. Baker did for a living and finds out that he ran a funeral home. He thinks about what the computer told him a few minutes ago and has an idea.<br />
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Back at the Baker house Pepe the hitchhiker shows up and scares Tina, who tells him not to stay in the house but doesn't mention that her brother was killed there so Pepe doesn't understand the urgency and goes in anyway. Then the camper won't start so now Tina, Mark, and Susan are stuck there too.<br />
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Inside, Pepe finds a box of croutons but it's filled with roaches so he only eats a few. Then he hears a lot of banging but it's only a door so, phew, he doesn't have to worry because that <i>never</i> signals that something unpleasant is going to happen soon.<br />
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Apparently Martha wasn't all that upset when Paul said she was stupid because now the two of them arrive back in town and stop at a funeral home. There they question the mortician about Sam Baker and find out that he used to take little items like rings and watches and so forth off the bodies before burying them. One time he even took a doll from a dead child and gave it to his daughter. This is a clue, so remember it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHXBV7i85xicfwXanNygCXKX70AGGXYn_m9dH4qiKrFazzJzZOZjAelyzF_tjlIZyRh5DBD8pCimXpTol3apZOGk_rHB0L88RaNNo0RLjTWkaPZfEPF4q2M20x1KqAbVsUIDfjmdNflmNE/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHXBV7i85xicfwXanNygCXKX70AGGXYn_m9dH4qiKrFazzJzZOZjAelyzF_tjlIZyRh5DBD8pCimXpTol3apZOGk_rHB0L88RaNNo0RLjTWkaPZfEPF4q2M20x1KqAbVsUIDfjmdNflmNE/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2358.jpg" width="225" /></a>Paul and Martha realize a clue when they see it too, so they leave. Then Mr. Crankyjeans comes in and tells the mortician he shouldn't oughta have said nothing and whacks him with a hammer. Then he stuffs him, still alive, in a coffin. This probably wouldn't be so much of a problem now, as I understand they make coffins so that they can be opened from the inside. (You know, in case someone makes a mistake.) But they didn't do that in the 80's so, well, it's unfortunate.<br />
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Back at the house no one believes Tina about Pepe and Susan says there's no such thing as ghosts and so Tina's self esteem drops dramatically, to the point where she apparently forgets what happened to her brother and goes back in the house to prove she's right.<br />
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Now I thought Paul and Martha would be going right to the Baker house, but instead they go to a cemetery to talk to the custodian. Before they do, though, Tina hears the eerie little song and goes upstairs and Mark takes the motorcycle Susan was riding earlier and goes into town to get a part for the camper. Because there's no water in the camper Susan put on the world's biggest Walkman and goes into the house to take a shower. Because that's smart.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVzIzoOCvY_Bds90xvDPnZHn7iysnV7UwndkSmOevIrR9l6YbsAtzaV_WKNgvOaOp6AuE_06qhj1IU1Vf-n3NOg9Bkf73Pw6SAw-qDtq3jMXABCWk9qoSep7irvGrF9vMSmOaxoi_FLRt/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVzIzoOCvY_Bds90xvDPnZHn7iysnV7UwndkSmOevIrR9l6YbsAtzaV_WKNgvOaOp6AuE_06qhj1IU1Vf-n3NOg9Bkf73Pw6SAw-qDtq3jMXABCWk9qoSep7irvGrF9vMSmOaxoi_FLRt/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" width="259" /></a></div>In the attic Tina gets pissed and demands that the ghost show itself. Then she sees a bunch of dead rats hanging from a beam and screams. You can't see the rats very well in the picture, but in the film they're quite gruesome. Tina wants to get away from them so badly that she trips and falls and is cut in half by a guillotine blade that descends from the ceiling.<br />
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No, I don't know what it's doing there either. It just is.<br />
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Susan doesn't hear any of this because she's listening to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" really loudly and trying to wash her face. (Not really. Back then Def Leppard would want too much money for their song to be used in a film, although now I bet they'd be happy to have that kind of exposure.) Then the water turns to blood and Susan does what you or I would probably do in the same situation.<br />
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But that's not the worst thing that happens to her. Dead Tina shows up in the bathroom and when Susan hugs her (because <i>she</i> doesn't know Tina is dead) Tina turns into the evil clown and tries to kill Susan. Then, for unknown reasons, the clown disappears.<br />
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Now Paul is talking to the cemetery custodian, whose name is Mr. Harvey. He is a wise old black man, because every good horror film has to have a wise old black character who tells everyone what's going on. And what Mr. Harvey tells Paul is that he warned Sam Baker not to offend the dead, which is very wise indeed. While Paul is doing this Martha is in the truck trying to raise Mark on the ham radio. She doesn't get to do this for long, though, because Mr. Crankyjeans arrives and chases her.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6JcgcsA4_lGHuCIkjlH0hE4J5xv5VQUSh01YFoxCjaRI4ArY5GE2mNIPZlRWSE3Lf6D_6InMcAXHPUHIc2-HTUp-ADW5-imZmrAXQ0OcEak9FUBX5df04DFd63l1B5Ji-4_55DZd_C9Yl/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2379.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6JcgcsA4_lGHuCIkjlH0hE4J5xv5VQUSh01YFoxCjaRI4ArY5GE2mNIPZlRWSE3Lf6D_6InMcAXHPUHIc2-HTUp-ADW5-imZmrAXQ0OcEak9FUBX5df04DFd63l1B5Ji-4_55DZd_C9Yl/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2379.jpg" width="259" /></a>Mark <i>has </i>heard her, though, and believes her when she says to <i>get out of the house now.</i> But he has to get Tina and Martha first so what does he do? Goes into the house. Instead of finding Susan he finds her Walkman on the floor and becomes worried, particularly because it's no longer playing Def Leppard and is playing the rhymey song. He goes upstairs, where he sees the girl and the doll sitting on the floor with some lit candles around them and sees Tina lying on the floor with some blood around her.<br />
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Before he can do anything, the floor gives way and he falls into what seems to be a pit filled with <i>paper-mâché</i> paste and skeletons. Or possibly it's curdled milk. Whatever it is, it's lumpy.<br />
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It turns out Susan has been wandering around this whole time. Now she finds Pepe, who is dead, and a pair of pruning shears. She decides to use these as a weapon, which is a fine idea except that she uses them on Mark when he manages to crawl out of the pit and up the cellar stairs, thereby proving that she isn't a very good girlfriend and needs to apologize to Tina because murder is way worse than lying.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOt1TpamRG7czrbHIOiIZYx1PTOQVYLMqInK4X-PW3VqJeWw70rdQgic77tvw5e4vwkoBYafzQpS0pdIwORbZgzQjQv8XmIsPR_93-VNCAvz9qlxMuRj6Ia9lZhCbrVzqhryUVnSjWM_lm/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOt1TpamRG7czrbHIOiIZYx1PTOQVYLMqInK4X-PW3VqJeWw70rdQgic77tvw5e4vwkoBYafzQpS0pdIwORbZgzQjQv8XmIsPR_93-VNCAvz9qlxMuRj6Ia9lZhCbrVzqhryUVnSjWM_lm/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" width="243" /></a></div>While all of this bad stuff is happening Martha is running away from Mr. Crankyjeans and goes into a crypt. And you'll never guess whose crypt it is. Martha can't believe it either, and has kind of a nervous breakdown when she sees Henriette's name on the tomb. Thankfully she was not fooled by the fact that Henrietta's name has changed. Nor does she seem nonplussed by the fact that the date of birth on the tomb is 1938, which would have made Henriette/etta 29 when she died instead of 11.<br />
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Paul, who has been looking for Martha, finds Mr. Crankyjeans hanging from a tree for no good reason. Then he finds Martha, as well as a tarantula, which is particularly eerie given that there are no tarantulas native to Massachusetts. He gets Martha out of there and back to the truck, where he gives her some Jack Daniel's and Martha says, "Oh, Paul. I saw death." in a way that suggests she's going to write a book about it all when they get home and maybe get Deepak Chopra or possibly John Edward to write the introduction. Then Paul hears Susan's voice over the radio.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMikhPCzPi4UIFqjApeG_k0nJJ5NQlMP0ULJO077BiEvm3hngndCgmllJj-l5vf9PwPldwWG6IQojEL2n-gWXPCLXHW1kK8u0OC3QWp1uTpMqf2eI8PhPSm25VNdCYQw-n2sTmYYI7Gp-8/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2388.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMikhPCzPi4UIFqjApeG_k0nJJ5NQlMP0ULJO077BiEvm3hngndCgmllJj-l5vf9PwPldwWG6IQojEL2n-gWXPCLXHW1kK8u0OC3QWp1uTpMqf2eI8PhPSm25VNdCYQw-n2sTmYYI7Gp-8/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2388.jpg" width="243" /></a>Speaking of Susan, she's been chased by that Doberman Pinscher into Henrietta's bedroom. Henrietta and the clown appear and then the door opens to reveal a skull-headed figure in a black robe. Say what? Oh, it also has maggots all over it and is holding a knife. Personally, I think this is a lot to lay on the poor girl. I mean even though she was bitchy to Tina she's just accidentally killed her boyfriend and lost her Walkman, so having to face the grim reaper thing is maybe a little too much.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN9c54Dgwz_OJU-FvJS9IRir8SCsF9ApIE91U7w0GBhVjAP0WRXXLNmuUEe06DHpOG0GDudyn7to39qkrwvbdAfUlzr52nPQblElc2iBJrUGfnQKQvWrErQFbnjSYTgZpuFimih5_Pijtx/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2385.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN9c54Dgwz_OJU-FvJS9IRir8SCsF9ApIE91U7w0GBhVjAP0WRXXLNmuUEe06DHpOG0GDudyn7to39qkrwvbdAfUlzr52nPQblElc2iBJrUGfnQKQvWrErQFbnjSYTgZpuFimih5_Pijtx/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2385.jpg" width="259" /></a> Paul meanwhile has opened the tomb and found Henrietta and the doll resting comfortably. So he sets them on fire.<br />
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This is a good thing for Susan, as the skull thing was just about to introduce her to the pointy end of its knife. But now it vanishes and she's okay. Well, moderately okay.<br />
<br />
Paul is no help in this regard when they all meet up later. He tells Susan that because she can never tell anyone what happened in the house she'll just have to deal with her guilt about killing Mark on her own. Oh, and have a safe trip wherever you're going on your motorcycle.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD2joZOjUtKeR9Aimb-csZVxi6Xf-EfcVv1iziwmL2IduB7YGmu4KOCG0LsytUhbLAqvyeIZCD7ChOisTACj-zf2R4PHC6SV2PYz-kA_OMPqZXEP-WMbIoVYRxoV-rZTjj7Us_BWP5Tyes/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2394.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD2joZOjUtKeR9Aimb-csZVxi6Xf-EfcVv1iziwmL2IduB7YGmu4KOCG0LsytUhbLAqvyeIZCD7ChOisTACj-zf2R4PHC6SV2PYz-kA_OMPqZXEP-WMbIoVYRxoV-rZTjj7Us_BWP5Tyes/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2394.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>And now Paul and Martha are back in Boston and about to meet for lunch so that Martha can show off the new fringed jean jacket she bought to help her get over the trauma. Martha, standing in front of a store window, turns and sees something she hoped never to see again. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! There it is, right next to a teddy bear.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8EEHbKodU8_zyka8yGMX7NqmxqE03tCtrMS7a8WMfXqh9tYB2DDhTup5pgztP0r-DPQwKj9DLQdJ_I_5OqMCm3SiQVnlYrk5V91Kd7gCbD-njtNYx4-3hI8333QotJ0MsmMN7XcXAl4kV/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2399.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8EEHbKodU8_zyka8yGMX7NqmxqE03tCtrMS7a8WMfXqh9tYB2DDhTup5pgztP0r-DPQwKj9DLQdJ_I_5OqMCm3SiQVnlYrk5V91Kd7gCbD-njtNYx4-3hI8333QotJ0MsmMN7XcXAl4kV/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2399.jpg" width="205" /></a>Then she turns around and sees something else she hoped never to see. It's Paul. Running across the street toward her. In front of a bus.<br />
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Here's the thing about <i>Ghosthouse</i>. You will often see it referred to as one of the worst movies ever made. Usually this statement is made by acne-faced teenage boys who spend way too much time in the basement playing video games and thinking they know a lot about horror films because they saw <i>Suspiria</i> once and own a Goblin album.<br />
<br />
It's not. It's actually quite good for what it is. You just have to not be a snob about it. And so what if Umberto Lenzi ripped off the clown doll? At least the bitching about that has kept the film's name out there, so if you ask me it was a pretty smart move on his part.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaUp3qw_oDz-SALsV20Tq6VnHgXI1xvwMXpAUvKqozYiA_xQjh5c5L1DQrVvERTxWpMA2NBCherQT4OD25Rqh3U_wVOG8cDuLfdHf84qleTECVaO4f8E88KdxXbNq9b7E6zjwP1M1c8y4W/s1600-h/La_Casa_3_-_Ghosthouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaUp3qw_oDz-SALsV20Tq6VnHgXI1xvwMXpAUvKqozYiA_xQjh5c5L1DQrVvERTxWpMA2NBCherQT4OD25Rqh3U_wVOG8cDuLfdHf84qleTECVaO4f8E88KdxXbNq9b7E6zjwP1M1c8y4W/s320/La_Casa_3_-_Ghosthouse.jpg" /></a>That's not the only smart thing Lenzi did. In Italy <i>Ghosthouse</i> was released under the name <i>La Casa 3</i>. Why? Because Lenzi wanted people to think it was a sequel of sorts to Sam Raimi's successful <i>Evil Dead</i> movies, which were released as <i>La Casa</i> and <i>La Casa II</i> in Italy.<br />
<br />
In the United States <i>Ghosthouse</i> has been released several times. If you want to have a really fun evening, find the DVD released by PR Studios. It looks as if someone made it in their garage, but it's totally worth it because you not only get <i>Ghosthouse</i> you get the horrifitastic <i>Manos: the Hands of Fate,</i> which really <i>is</i> considered one of the worst horror movies ever made. It was produced by fertilizer salesman Harold Warren after he bet location scout Stirling Silliphant that he could make a horror film on a ridiculously small budget (reported to be about $19,000). What's the story? It doesn't matter. You absolutely have to see it. Especially the scene where some women wrestle in the dirt while wearing diaphanous nightgowns.<br />
<br />
Also included on the DVD are two almost certainly copyright infringing Popeye and Superman cartoons, as well as one of those campy "let's all go to the lobby" type intermission segments and trailers for the films <i>Murder, My Sweet; Curse of the Blood-Ghouls; Cannibal Girls</i> and <i>The Twilight People.</i> My favorite is the preview for <i>Cannibal Girls,</i> which contains the helpful information that during the movie a bell sounds before scenes of an erotic or gruesome nature "in order not to horrify those in the audience of a squeamish or prudish disposition." Very thoughtful.<br />
<br />
At first I couldn't figure out what all this stuff was doing on the DVD. Then it occurred to me--this is probably how the films would be shown at a double feature. How clever! All you have to do is pop the DVD in and make sure you watch everything in the correct order.<br />
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Now onward. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLTTDdTfcTVZM1ckjyAtOcnHAI7Jao_WlycHYXeXcFbg5t6_0kZKQJvQEMPhesin116z-BtegaAOjKH1rk5fhTZdSWinEngMNDfTnB0PzOHi-2V3J37eFPCPi-YkGuuUho6cP-UJzreXMy/s1600-h/magic_poster.preview.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLTTDdTfcTVZM1ckjyAtOcnHAI7Jao_WlycHYXeXcFbg5t6_0kZKQJvQEMPhesin116z-BtegaAOjKH1rk5fhTZdSWinEngMNDfTnB0PzOHi-2V3J37eFPCPi-YkGuuUho6cP-UJzreXMy/s320/magic_poster.preview.jpg" width="177" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLTTDdTfcTVZM1ckjyAtOcnHAI7Jao_WlycHYXeXcFbg5t6_0kZKQJvQEMPhesin116z-BtegaAOjKH1rk5fhTZdSWinEngMNDfTnB0PzOHi-2V3J37eFPCPi-YkGuuUho6cP-UJzreXMy/s1600-h/magic_poster.preview.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a> As we've seen, dolls in general are creepy and clown dolls in particular are absolutely scaryfying. But there's something even creepier than dolls, and that's ventriloquist dummies. <br />
<br />
Don't believe me? Take a gander at the 1978 film <i>Magic</i> and then we'll talk. Starring Anthony Hopkins as deranged ventriloquist Corky Withers, it did for dummies what <i>Jaws</i> did for sharks. Seriously, one year for Christmas my parents gave me a Charlie McCarthy dummy and all I could think about was how if I <i>ever</i> closed my eyes in his presence I would open them to find him nose-to-nose with me.<br />
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Now imagine if you will a <i>clown</i> dummy. I know, right? Forget the Antichrist being a political leader, it's going to be a clown dummy.<br />
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Which brings us to <i>Dead Silence.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEz9eeIXoEqhfzAieBWc9xQAfK4Y-8YJFcImAc2qQooGqhY7zSnvNBTQR-h2VdMgLpll4ht_32BewH1DXODDsn2d4zfAIs-Q9PXGzny7x8dQd7fEVrywCDuxaZytANzK4pbjX61yhIFp8O/s1600-h/dead+silence+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEz9eeIXoEqhfzAieBWc9xQAfK4Y-8YJFcImAc2qQooGqhY7zSnvNBTQR-h2VdMgLpll4ht_32BewH1DXODDsn2d4zfAIs-Q9PXGzny7x8dQd7fEVrywCDuxaZytANzK4pbjX61yhIFp8O/s320/dead+silence+poster.jpg" width="174" /></a>This 2007 film is by the writer and director of <i>Saw,</i> which despite anything you say I think is a great film, so you'd think <i>Dead Silence</i> would be pretty nifty. And maybe it is. I'm not saying anything. <br />
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One good thing is that it stars Ryan Kwanten. Most people know Kwanten as dim but hot horndog Jason Stackhouse from the vampy television series <i>True Blood.</i> But a year before that show brought his yummy naked self into American living rooms he starred as Jamie Ashen in this tale of dummy revenge. (Only he never gets naked, or even shirtless, in this movie so don't get all excited.)<br />
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As in <i>Poltergeist,</i> the clown dummy plays a small but pivotal role in <i>Dead Silence.</i> He doesn't show up until near the end, but when he does he packs a wallop. But let's start at the very beginning. I hear it's a very good place to start. Do, re, mi, play clothes made out of drapes, whiskers on kittens, etc.<br />
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So Jamie and his wife Lisa are newlyweds and they're all happy and looking forward to the future. Then a package shows up at their door. It's a trunk, and inside of it is a dummy, the standard tuxedoed guy kind. Of course there's no return address, and no delivery person in sight, but neither Jamie nor Lisa seems terribly freaked out, like maybe one of them ordered it from the Home Shopping Network one night when they couldn't sleep and just forgot, kind of like when Patrick once ordered two remote control dinosaurs at three in the morning when he was under the influence of cold medicine and then acted surprised when UPS delivered the package to our door.<br />
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Anyway, instead of worrying, Lisa sends Jamie out to pick up Chinese food for dinner.<br />
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Oh. It just occurred to me that perhaps they assume the dummy is a wedding gift. That might explain why they don't freak out. Even though they're clearly not into it, they probably think it's at least more interesting than a salad spinner.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQgnM9efxJc44Eyh7mflMoMp1z41LkP1SdmDkyL-F33DbsBajxnZNNyOB6obF9uI4b6xVUgpr3DjKU0YK4YHuO_ZTzqzBJVjI2ZiWh1WrkBQ-BpOvPGXc30S701A3RWAB33Lrss6i2GDxp/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23283.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQgnM9efxJc44Eyh7mflMoMp1z41LkP1SdmDkyL-F33DbsBajxnZNNyOB6obF9uI4b6xVUgpr3DjKU0YK4YHuO_ZTzqzBJVjI2ZiWh1WrkBQ-BpOvPGXc30S701A3RWAB33Lrss6i2GDxp/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23283.jpg" width="236" /></a>So Jamie comes back with mu shu pork and General Tso's Chicken and finds the door open and the hallway covered with blood. From this he deduces that something bad has happened, a theory which is proven correct when he finds Lisa in bed looking like this:<br />
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I know. It's not a good look for her. I mean, she's obviously a summer and shouldn't be wearing red or orange.<br />
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Now Jamie is sad and Donnie Wahlberg thinks he killed Lisa. At some point Jamie tears the lining of the dummy's box and sees the name and image of a woman named Mary Shaw, who was a famous ventriloquist from the town he and Lisa grew up in. Determined to get to the bottom of what happened, Jamie returns to the town of Ravens Fair, which I think should probably have an apostrophe in there but doesn't and therefore means "pretty ravens." The town is kind of rundown and empty in a "who thought it was a good idea to build over an Indian burial ground?" kind of way. Jamie seems startled by this, and he drives to his father's house to demand some answers.<br />
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Actually, he drives to his father's <i>mansion</i> to demand some answers. That's when we find out that he and his father don't exactly get along. Then a lot of boring things happen so I'll get to the point. Also, I will not mention Donnie Wahlberg again. All you need to know is that he follows Jamie and eventually dies. Now you can forget about him because he has nothing to do with the story and is just here because he's friends with the director and writer and played another detective in the <i>Saw</i> movies and someone thought it was funny.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFX-pDsH1aVe4ICNngfGxcPZJqZfFZswDlzlFkeGPReeL4VRZcwO3cKQvt5S9p_fzRjQcugFjttBs3ODc-eLeyj13nYdUHYweueKZ0pf59Nr4HMQ3qDbBZhCycHwkY8ewR-WglLRxbXAa4/s1600-h/mary+and+billy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFX-pDsH1aVe4ICNngfGxcPZJqZfFZswDlzlFkeGPReeL4VRZcwO3cKQvt5S9p_fzRjQcugFjttBs3ODc-eLeyj13nYdUHYweueKZ0pf59Nr4HMQ3qDbBZhCycHwkY8ewR-WglLRxbXAa4/s320/mary+and+billy.jpg" width="223" /></a>As I mentioned, Mary Shaw was a famous ventriloquist. She performed at the Guignol Theater that sits on an island in Lost Lake.<br />
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Fun Fact: The Guignol Theater is "played by" the Palais Theater in Melbourne, Australia. As all aging stars are, the theater is digitally enhanced to make it look even more creepy.<br />
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One night during a performance a little boy in the audience, Michael Ashen, called out that he could see Mary's lips moving and that the act was bogus. Mary didn't much like this, so a week later she kidnapped Michael and kinda sorta turned him into a dummy. That part is vague, but she seemed to be working on a way to make living dolls. She was really good at making dolls, and had 101 of them in her little family.<br />
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When they figured out what had happened, Michael's kinfolk (who of course are also Jamie's kinfolk) and some of the other men of the town paid Mary a visit to get revenge. First they cut her tongue out, then they killed her. Then she was buried along with all of her dummies.<br />
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Only she didn't stay buried. Her spirit came back to exact revenge, which she does by terrifying her victims and when they scream ripping their tongues out and making them look like Jamie's wife. The way she looked <i>after</i> seeing Mary Shaw, not before when she was pretty and looked a little like Mia Farrow.<br />
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There's even a little rhyme about Mary. I love creepy rhymes in films. I saw <i>A Nightmare on Elm Street</i> the day it opened in 1984 and 26 years later I still hear the voices of the little girls singing, "One. Two. Freddy's coming for you. Three. Four. Better lock the door." Creeeeeepy. Also, it makes me want to drink coffee.<br />
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Here's what they sing about Mary:<br />
<br />
Beware the stare of Mary Shaw,<br />
she had no children, only dolls. <br />
And if you see her in your dreams,<br />
be sure you never, ever scream.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhst01A9C-ONK9vEShyphenhyphen5lQnaaq4lVZIWiAuEzfRMbQxdsUzqONXQ6oR5P1BxibhfUkoBZVvohz8BV0g6qsqMvOqe4Xo6GXQZDpBnljFnrLaVpcu6xUr7xOA7oAVuoL-KrKkvY_hOnBXEh52/s1600-h/billy+and+friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhst01A9C-ONK9vEShyphenhyphen5lQnaaq4lVZIWiAuEzfRMbQxdsUzqONXQ6oR5P1BxibhfUkoBZVvohz8BV0g6qsqMvOqe4Xo6GXQZDpBnljFnrLaVpcu6xUr7xOA7oAVuoL-KrKkvY_hOnBXEh52/s320/billy+and+friends.jpg" width="196" /></a>(Curiously, early press materials about the film--as well as the trailer--replaced the last two lines with, "And if you see her, do not scream. Or she’ll rip your tongue out at the seam." Which really doesn't scan as well, so good for them for changing it. Also, whose tongue has a seam?)<br />
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Mary has managed to kill everyone involved with her murder, as well as everyone related to them and apparently everyone they ever knew or thought about or saw on TV. Jamie, being a descendant of the Ashens who chopped off Mary's tongue, is the last name on the list.<br />
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What about his father, you ask? That's a secret. You'll have to watch the movie to find out what happens to him. Just trust me that Jamie is the last of the Ashens Mary needs to take care of. Turns out she didn't get him earlier because Daddy made sure Jamie left Ravens Fair and went someplace Mary couldn't find him (how he accomplished that is kind of sad in a <i>Sophie's Choice</i> sort of way). How Mary <i>did</i> find him is tied up in why Daddy Ashen isn't still on the list. Again, just watch the movie. You might never think about soup in the same way again, but it's totally worth it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtwIfBfnCweg4-VzJjBpy-R7cGEDUpm-NgFnfceXdTYI917qSDR1UT-gsLjPzsnIoASNoEbMemCkmWcwJSqkkXMuxmA5pN2EsfjgFWYetQS-rNBIaIQPzZK3WmlM8vaUyJEcpCHuWeHhaY/s1600-h/jamie+and+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtwIfBfnCweg4-VzJjBpy-R7cGEDUpm-NgFnfceXdTYI917qSDR1UT-gsLjPzsnIoASNoEbMemCkmWcwJSqkkXMuxmA5pN2EsfjgFWYetQS-rNBIaIQPzZK3WmlM8vaUyJEcpCHuWeHhaY/s320/jamie+and+clown.jpg" /></a>Jamie finally gets the local undertaker to tell him the story of Mary Shaw. Inevitably he then ends up at the theater where Mary performed. Of course it's now in ruins. And there he finds not only the corpse of little Michael Ashen but an entire wall of Mary's dummies, each in its own little glass box. They're all creepy, but the King of Creepy is a clown dummy Jamie finds sitting in a rocking chair. Rocking. Which it shouldn't be because, you know, it's not alive.<br />
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Jamie kind of gets why Mary would want to kill everyone who contributed to her murder, but he wants to know why she killed Lisa, whose family had nothing to do with it. The clown (who of course is animated by Mary's soul) tells him to come closer so that she can tell him a secret.<br />
<br />
I don't know about you, but at this point I really wouldn't care about any old secret. I'd just want to see that clown toasted. But Jamie really wants to know so he creeps right up close and the clown whispers in his ear that Lisa had to be killed because Jamie wasn't the last Ashen still alive--there was another one <i>inside</i>. Get it? I know. Mean.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio2n0L3jJ9cia9SjPDqYuW7a-eVIYoxTnzU9fhbII8L1PQJyV5rCTpNHMGGyIH5ZyptH1f4no7VKpW7p2OxgXLH9gmIokFnxVbnAMJ4NLntvI226LP6LIhflGA-3VqqIRikdod3mcLnzf2/s1600-h/clown+triptych.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio2n0L3jJ9cia9SjPDqYuW7a-eVIYoxTnzU9fhbII8L1PQJyV5rCTpNHMGGyIH5ZyptH1f4no7VKpW7p2OxgXLH9gmIokFnxVbnAMJ4NLntvI226LP6LIhflGA-3VqqIRikdod3mcLnzf2/s320/clown+triptych.jpg" /></a>Then Mary sticks her long, nasty demon tongue through the clown's mouth and licks Jamie. I don't know why the villains in horror movies always have super-long, deformed tongues, but they do. Frankly, I'm a little over it.<br />
<br />
(I found out later that Mary's tongue is super long because it's made from the tongues of all her victims. Fine. I can live with that.) <br />
<br />
The rest of the movie goes exactly the way you think it does.<br />
<br />
Actually, not quite. Jamie manages to get out of the theater alive, and returns to his father's house to get Billy, the last remaining "child" of Mary Shaw. He throws Billy in the fireplace and thinks it's all over.<br />
<br />
But he forgot about Mary Shaw's plans for creating a perfect doll. Well, it seems she finally managed it, and that doll is Jamie's father's latest wife, Ella. So that really sucks for him, because when he finds out Ella is a doll he screams, and you know what happens when you scream in the presence of Mary Shaw.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Poltergeist </i><br />
<br />
Favorite Line: "They're heeeeere."<br />
<br />
Rating (Out of 5):<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=45clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="4.5 Clowns" border="0" height="90" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/45clowns.png" width="427" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Ghosthouse</i><br />
<br />
Favorite Line: "How could you do such a thing to one of God's innocent creatures? And on your birthday of all days!"<br />
<br />
Rating (Out of 5):<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=35clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="3.5 Clowns" border="0" height="90" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/35clowns.png" width="335" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Dead Silence</i><br />
<br />
Favorite Line: none<br />
<br />
Rating (Out of 5):<br />
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<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=3clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="3 Clowns" border="0" height="90" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/3clowns.png" width="287" /></a>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-90375053966575787872010-02-10T09:01:00.000-08:002010-02-10T09:01:24.697-08:00Hear! Hear!: Jane Bites Back is an Audio BookFor those of you who enjoy reading with your ears, I have a delightful announcement.<br />
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<i>Jane Bites Back</i> is now available as an unabridged, downloadable (don't you love new words?) audio book exclusively from <a href="http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?productID=BK_ADBL_001838&BV_UseBVCookie=Yes">audible.com.</a> The book is narrated by Katherine Kellgren, who also did the narration for my friend Seth Grahame-Smith's <a href="http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?productID=BK_ADBL_000934&BV_UseBVCookie=Yes"><i>Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.</i></a><br />
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So hop on over to audible.com and <a href="http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?productID=BK_ADBL_001838&BV_UseBVCookie=Yes">take a listen. </a>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-62601875218634420322010-02-08T15:12:00.001-08:002010-02-08T15:12:58.705-08:00On the Radio. Whoa-oh-oh-ohSo tomorrow (Tuesday, February 9) I'll be appearing on KWMR's "Lifequest." The show runs from 11:00 AM to 12:00 PM, and I'll be talking about Jane Bites Back, my writing career, and what's up next for everybody's favorite literary vampire.<br />
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Those of you in Northern California can tune in to KWMR at 90.5 FM in the Pt. Reyes area and 89.9 FM in Bolinas.<br />
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The rest of you can <a href="http://kwmr.org/listen_kwmr.html">listen online.</a><br />
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You know you want to.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-26393105318663555832010-02-08T00:00:00.000-08:002010-02-08T06:55:35.687-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #12: Drive Thru (2007)I know this will sound odd coming from a man who loves creepy clown movies, but in general I don't like my horror mixed with comedy. I am not generally in Sam Raimi's cheering section, for example, and find that otherwise excellent films such as Tim Burton's <i>Sleepy Hollow</i> are lessened by effects meant to make us chuckle. (In the case of the Burton film the literally eye-popping moments are unnecessary and, for me, spoil the mood of the picture.) Freddy Kreuger scared the Jujubes out of me in the original <i>Nightmare on Elm Street,</i> but as with each sequel he became campier and campier and his killing methods became more and more ridiculous, I stopped being afraid of him and started seeing him as Jerry Lewis with press-on nails.<br />
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This is not to say that Raimi's films are not well-made, that Tim Burton can't direct, or that Freddy Kreuger isn't one of the greatest horror movie figures of all time. None of these statements is accurate by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just saying that for me horror + comedy = not good.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYBhIKVjLNmnnbFNApMzD6oY0upxP18e28NdYl1bRVSg4CtDIVNVdGEmXNoCWlEFm8z69_buCG2iReuOuz0klXw28pjKkQue2z0DDEnSYUyczNs9WD-WTnv8kv9ifgupP2qbUe56TJYQ50/s1600-h/drive+thru.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYBhIKVjLNmnnbFNApMzD6oY0upxP18e28NdYl1bRVSg4CtDIVNVdGEmXNoCWlEFm8z69_buCG2iReuOuz0klXw28pjKkQue2z0DDEnSYUyczNs9WD-WTnv8kv9ifgupP2qbUe56TJYQ50/s320/drive+thru.jpg" /></a></div>But for every rule there is an exception, and <i>Drive Thru</i> is one of those exceptions. It is also a thoroughly pleasant surprise. I fully expected it to be yet another badly-done copy of a better 80's slasher pic. And in many ways it <i>is</i> a copy of an 80's slasher pic. Only instead of being a badly-done copy it takes some familiar elements of those slasher pics and makes something fresh and fun out of them.<br />
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The surprises start with the cast. Although the writers/directors of <i>Drive Thru</i> (Shane Kuhn & Brendan Cowles) have resumes about as long as Paris Hilton's attention span in a room full of sparkly things, the cast of the movie is chock full of familiar names and faces. Main character Mackenzie Carpenter is played by Leighton Meester of <i>Gossip Girl</i> fame, and her parents are Melora Hardin (Jan from <i>The Office</i>) and Paul Ganus (a familiar name to fans of daytime soaps, particularly <i>The Bold and the Beautiful</i>). Mackenzie's boyfriend, Fisher, is Nicholas D'Agosto, most recently seen on <i>Heroes</i>, and her friend Van is played by none other than Meester's <i>Gossip Girls</i> costar Penn Badgley.<br />
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Okay, there are no Oscar nominees in this group. Still, you don't usually expect to see <i>anyone</i> you recognize in this kind of film. Here even the supporting characters are played by actors such as Lola Glaudini (<i>Criminal Minds</i>) and Larry Joe Campbell (<i>According to Jim</i>). Oh, and there's a very special surprise guest, but we'll get to him later.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfs3asFHJut7lbnY-Yf3IpK0USXNWObBn-Xx__TajRXIJwKeJT8RbbXPb_f0TGGy3tgKTUespzrrukxPvjfpDlNn6e9n_TrZbf0-a0UrTtQWB39UC2BQ5zn6Ifi0tz7IfAsd40CAFjpc7O/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%238.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfs3asFHJut7lbnY-Yf3IpK0USXNWObBn-Xx__TajRXIJwKeJT8RbbXPb_f0TGGy3tgKTUespzrrukxPvjfpDlNn6e9n_TrZbf0-a0UrTtQWB39UC2BQ5zn6Ifi0tz7IfAsd40CAFjpc7O/s320/DVD+Snap+1%238.jpg" width="258" /></a>Mackenzie and her friends live in the Southern California town of Blanca Carne. Yes, that means "white meat" in Spanish. You can call it juvenile if you want to, but I think it perfectly sums up the atmosphere of SoCal, and I lived there so I should know. So step back, fool.<br />
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That's something the characters we meet as the movie opens might say. That's because they're rich white kids who like to act like gangbangers. They call each other "nigga" and "dumb ass cracka" while they drive along in their SUV. One of them wears his hair in cornrows. They can't die soon enough.<br />
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Which they do. They stop of at Hellaburger, a popular local fast food restaurant, and place an order at the drive thru window. Hence the name, although really it doesn't make a lot of sense because the drive thru only features prominently twice in the whole movie. But I can't think of a better name myself right now, so I'll let it go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjmtZ0Frqsgh3lqPFnk5hKfn1ERq_c018IeqvA2DHrFGRhPS-eBlWTkhU4qRR0HI9JNc7c7aI6ylw-L4JKa4KOcwkQxp7K0XBh1s0f5jrSmTNIoeVGAzid_x3G0705IDV5vVyEY84kAOq/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTjmtZ0Frqsgh3lqPFnk5hKfn1ERq_c018IeqvA2DHrFGRhPS-eBlWTkhU4qRR0HI9JNc7c7aI6ylw-L4JKa4KOcwkQxp7K0XBh1s0f5jrSmTNIoeVGAzid_x3G0705IDV5vVyEY84kAOq/s320/DVD+Snap+1%239.jpg" /></a></div>Naturally the two boys get into a fight with the mechanical clown head that takes their order, and naturally they decide to go inside and give someone a beat down. Because that's what gangbangers do. Only if you remember, these guys <i>aren't</i> gangbangers. So they get killed. By a clown.<br />
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Not just any clown, mind you. This is no Ronald McDonald or Bozo. This clown wears a leather suit that looks like something a motocross cyclist would wear. Also, his boots have some nasty spikes coming off them. And then there's the mask. It's pretty nifty, resembling a demented version of the restaurant's drive thru clown head.<br />
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The restaurant mascot, by the way, is Horny the Clown. Stop it. He's called that because he has <i>horns.</i> Tiny ones, but they're horns.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUIZqVzaT0SolMuzStlAXIpve3XlOABZZXkyxf9W6xQ48wUDM8i8FNDOL99UYZPUO4G_CFJsvxP2OD6TtJw-rSMmXV4BPWBdbVdO1qvzcC9BAvZy11ZGTh_fs_E0lce8vSGGCAqR9SovCY/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2385.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUIZqVzaT0SolMuzStlAXIpve3XlOABZZXkyxf9W6xQ48wUDM8i8FNDOL99UYZPUO4G_CFJsvxP2OD6TtJw-rSMmXV4BPWBdbVdO1qvzcC9BAvZy11ZGTh_fs_E0lce8vSGGCAqR9SovCY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2385.jpg" width="271" /></a>Oh, all right. He's called Horny because the movie is directed at grown men who still think like 9-year-old boys. Which is most of us. Deal with it. It's part of our charm. <br />
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So Horny does in the morons, one by pushing his face into a deep fryer and the other by chopping him up with a really nasty cleaver. He also does in their dates, who somehow have managed to fall asleep in the SUV and wake up just in time to become windshield splatters.<br />
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While all this is going on Mackenzie is throwing a party at her house because 1. her parents are out of town and 2. graduation is coming up. Also coming up is Mackenzie's 18th birthday. This is a big deal because 1. turning 18 is a big deal and 2. she's decided to give it up to her boyfriend on the big day. That's right, she still has her v-card.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0YZKEIW3w9QWT3tsoDJUmDrqgMPhFK8h8LY8YU9sadBpVTD0ZAnLLfo-_ZIfbuNpG6cbwejEqr52sm0uIpemC4Q3nutPEzDdNeJOvHMMpIBlGeLhx_mh0xUQJJ0uJGhLA6S1oR1uOSA3S/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2314.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0YZKEIW3w9QWT3tsoDJUmDrqgMPhFK8h8LY8YU9sadBpVTD0ZAnLLfo-_ZIfbuNpG6cbwejEqr52sm0uIpemC4Q3nutPEzDdNeJOvHMMpIBlGeLhx_mh0xUQJJ0uJGhLA6S1oR1uOSA3S/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2314.jpg" /></a></div>Did I mention that Mackenzie and her two girlfriends are a band? They are. Mackenzie sings and plays guitar, Starfire (I know, but they call her Star, so it's not so bad) plays bass, and Val plays drums. It's very Josie and the Pussycats. Also, there seems to be absolutely no point to it, as once they finish their song they never take up instruments again in the movie.<br />
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The party is going well. Too well. The cops come and break it up, which means that Mack (they all call her that so we will too) and her friends go inside to smoke pot and drink beer and talk about how Mack is a virgin and how her boyfriend is super horny. They also decide to play with a Ouija board that is in the house "back from when [my mom] and my dad were weirdo hippies."<br />
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Comments like this come up a lot in <i>Drive Thru.</i> See, it's supposed to be something of a commentary on suburban American life and how people start off good and then become obsessed with things like money and George Bush and then bad things happen. Which is true.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_e-l5Xh95W71Adb37YhHfuNciwUPkWmS-yivofOJmfkXYvILQ8QjLv1qoaQFNcWD4aYefJBoNAf2d5nIPkbABoue6OuMvDuQ5FwUr6w-mSLkvWIo4JWJHcANrI-0n_k7y1ZPBjIEgO_V/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2319.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_e-l5Xh95W71Adb37YhHfuNciwUPkWmS-yivofOJmfkXYvILQ8QjLv1qoaQFNcWD4aYefJBoNAf2d5nIPkbABoue6OuMvDuQ5FwUr6w-mSLkvWIo4JWJHcANrI-0n_k7y1ZPBjIEgO_V/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2319.jpg" /></a>Everyone thinks using the board is a great idea, particularly Val, who informs them that she "saw one of these in <i>The Exorcist</i>. Linda Blair used it. You know, right before she diddled herself with that crucifix." This is not entirely true, as Blair's Regan uses the board to communicate with Captain Howdy <i>long</i> before she makes carnal use of her Jesus on the cross. However, props to young Val for knowing the classics.<br />
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The Ouija board turns out to be a bust, mostly because Van farts and spoils the mood. He, Val, and Star leave Mack and Fisher to linger in the cloud of bumfog and we discover that Mack is upset because Fisher is going to be going to school in New York and she isn't. I don't know why. Maybe she doesn't test well and got suckage on her SAT's. All I know is she isn't going and she tries to make Fisher feel guilty by saying, "You're going to abandon me when we graduate, and I'll die fat, alone, and Republican in Orange County, which is pretty much worse than death." Again, this is true. Sometimes <i>Drive Thru</i> feels like a documentary.<br />
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While we're on the subject, I have to say something about this whole going to college with your boyfriend thing. You're 18. I know it's all romantical and stuff to think your high school boyfriend is the love of your life, but I have news. You're not going to end up with this guy. You might not end up with <i>any</i> guy, especially if you go to one of the Seven Sisters schools where you automatically get tutoring in lesbian action along with Survey of English Lit. Besides, you both need to see what else is out there. So stop the boo-hooing.<br />
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Actually, Mack doesn't whine all that much. But she does decide to ask the Ouija board what's going to happen to her and Fisher. To their horror it goes bonkers, dragging their hands all over the board before the planchette flies off the board and into the wall. And what did it spell before it took off? N1KLPL8. Which is way better than N1KLBCK, but still makes no sense to them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgad2itTH3jypVg9ODGAF7NptHJWz5b2j8i3wVPYZFLzmZSxO28zoR-JDPinL1aQ5UKyQuwsKlEdk0T-9gC-yliyrHM5OQkbJH5Mz1paiHIY9VKxXDfjrKzBzAWcsFT57vsUX8IQFcE_hZN/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2322.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgad2itTH3jypVg9ODGAF7NptHJWz5b2j8i3wVPYZFLzmZSxO28zoR-JDPinL1aQ5UKyQuwsKlEdk0T-9gC-yliyrHM5OQkbJH5Mz1paiHIY9VKxXDfjrKzBzAWcsFT57vsUX8IQFcE_hZN/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2322.jpg" /></a></div>But <i>we</i> know (because the next shot is a close-up of it) that N1KLPL8 is the license plate of the SUV of Death that carried the four morons to Hellaburger earlier in the evening. The police have found it, although they haven't figured out much about what's going on because they're too busy arguing about whether the song "Highway to Hell" (which was playing on the van's stereo when they found it) is by AC/DC or Styx.<br />
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The two detectives assigned to the case are named Chase and Crockers, so you can imagine what people call them and no, it isn't really all that funny but it kind of is because it makes you snicker every time someone says <i>cheese and crackers.</i> Cheese, I mean Chase, is the girl cop and Crockers is the boy cop. She's on the ball, but he couldn't win a spelling bee on Three-Letter Word Day.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikKvDfzwIsZey41KFX_MLb45TY2XAsNowWW1RS6QfaAJMSym03_wGkDj8PCRNKvQTg7aMc2a2Tuxn6xrlXOCB5D0_77UW2fiW9ig5YBqWNRtGAL-_fUX2jsk7dWLBBrvsQkpDHRzBh3A_a/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2328.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikKvDfzwIsZey41KFX_MLb45TY2XAsNowWW1RS6QfaAJMSym03_wGkDj8PCRNKvQTg7aMc2a2Tuxn6xrlXOCB5D0_77UW2fiW9ig5YBqWNRtGAL-_fUX2jsk7dWLBBrvsQkpDHRzBh3A_a/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2328.jpg" /></a>Mack and her friends see the news about the murders on TV while they're having a barbecue in Mack's backyard. Her super-hot DILF father is making hamburgers and her uptight mother is freaking out about the $400 noise citation Mack got for having the party. They all get a little sad when they see the news report, but then they forget it because now Mack's mom is angry that Mack has apparently lost a camera, which is the first time we find out she's into photography and which will be important later so keep it in mind.<br />
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At school the next day Mack and Fisher for some reason have a Magic 8 Ball, only it's pink and I don't know why except that maybe the Magic 8 Ball people didn't want their product used in a scene where a character asks it if he's going to get to "tap Mack's ass" anytime soon. Which is what Fisher asks it. Then he goes to class and Mack asks the ball if she should go to class or get high. The conversation goes like this.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2cwV0PiCmU76ZyVxbFn7FgtGV0bDQQdwH0itfgm7ueE70fUyvPRZYQI1Hdni-PQgyNEEQ7eMJSazE1x7UW5yV39oZAVf_0Xx-lAicbQ2F9xJu3Hia0RR-7s44XAk2ARESLDslahbFFDK/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2337.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2cwV0PiCmU76ZyVxbFn7FgtGV0bDQQdwH0itfgm7ueE70fUyvPRZYQI1Hdni-PQgyNEEQ7eMJSazE1x7UW5yV39oZAVf_0Xx-lAicbQ2F9xJu3Hia0RR-7s44XAk2ARESLDslahbFFDK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2337.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>Mack: Should I got to class or go to the bathroom and get baked?<br />
Magic 8 Ball: Hi, Mackenzie.<br />
Mack: Who are you?<br />
Magic 8 Ball: You'll see.<br />
Mack: Why are you doing this?<br />
Magic 8 Ball: A broken heart.<br />
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You can see how this might be upsetting. I mean how would someone get your Magic 8 Ball, open it up, and replace the answer thingy inside with a new thingy that has creepy answers written on it? And then how would they make sure it answered in the correct order? OMG, there are so many questions I have and there are no good answers to them.<br />
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Mack thinks maybe Val will know, so she calls her and they make plans to get together later so that Mack can see Val's new tattoo, which happens to be a broken heart and so <i>that</i> can't be good. Only Mack never gets a gander at Val's fresh ink because Horny the Clown shows up and grabs Val while she's walking around the locker room in her underpants. He ends up doing something fairly clever with her, but that comes later.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIdMfP74xTYRVGdx7bXCaRGADIlnbC01wOh_vjrqKGlVbZ_KeibTPzG8LmKZjIWSRl5AtPZTiHDT7INNB_S8_7mchcYlI8zdDuL90t8ZfUndpgSMd5VaGBS1KZquYukmB8OK0pUnanxMxm/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIdMfP74xTYRVGdx7bXCaRGADIlnbC01wOh_vjrqKGlVbZ_KeibTPzG8LmKZjIWSRl5AtPZTiHDT7INNB_S8_7mchcYlI8zdDuL90t8ZfUndpgSMd5VaGBS1KZquYukmB8OK0pUnanxMxm/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2340.jpg" /></a>First we need to visit Mack in the office of the school paper. This is when we find out that 1. she writes for the school paper 2. she's a vegan (maybe we knew that earlier, but I can't remember) and 3. the editors of the paper are all Republican bastards who edit her liberal articles down to nothing--NOTHING. Oh, and the creepy but sweet school handyman, Lenny, comes in and has found her camera. Yay!<br />
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But not for long. See, while Mack is busy developing the film from her stolen camera because nobody would use a digital camera in 2007 don't be ridiculous she discovers that not only are there shots from her party on there, there are shots of the girls in the van being killed. Also, a shot of her clearly being watched by someone.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFoI8Z033Xy-JBdOXyv0TvFN8VXieYI2OzDvW1g0RI3i_UK7oM0_V9OiZFtRRI9hRA1CyfH66l4vCuGvviChzeZN9X1tnh8vcQQf4beT0iBjazPi4gbX2pYC1Ym0H6epu3eNwHz2PdlJeh/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2349.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFoI8Z033Xy-JBdOXyv0TvFN8VXieYI2OzDvW1g0RI3i_UK7oM0_V9OiZFtRRI9hRA1CyfH66l4vCuGvviChzeZN9X1tnh8vcQQf4beT0iBjazPi4gbX2pYC1Ym0H6epu3eNwHz2PdlJeh/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2349.jpg" /></a></div>As it turns out, that someone is still watching her. Because it's Horny the Clown! And he's in the darkroom! And he wants to kill Mack!<br />
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He almost does, too, but she kicks him in the McNuggets and runs. And where she runs is into the school's gymnasium, where she's reunited with Val. Only this is not good at all, as Val is tied up with her head poking through the bottom of a microwave oven.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg68jDDhF6S6GH2PG7GJQgS7LgfK__IFEiPKxfgDJno4b1CHJBp8RQvJcaqy2-2tOModp72NF-SmY5ux0yxWmhq_oIGkz4M6cPMWLPUxMTjZYmsMajJLKio7lodQxiMzY3P9jQl38aDrkfJ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2352.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg68jDDhF6S6GH2PG7GJQgS7LgfK__IFEiPKxfgDJno4b1CHJBp8RQvJcaqy2-2tOModp72NF-SmY5ux0yxWmhq_oIGkz4M6cPMWLPUxMTjZYmsMajJLKio7lodQxiMzY3P9jQl38aDrkfJ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2352.jpg" /></a>I'm sure that at some point you've cooked microwave popcorn, so you know what happens. The bag swells up as the corn pops. Sometimes it swells so much it bursts. Now put a frizzy wig on that popcorn bag and give it the ability to scream and you have a pretty good idea of what Val's big scene is like. Only bloodier.<br />
<br />
Now Mack runs some more and the clown chases her some more and somehow at the same time his voice comes over the intercom informing her that he knows she wants his corndog in her hot little buns, which is an exact quote so don't be pointing any fingers my way.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSqxBAfNIvYydlE0Elp7aHFe0Vy8xoyaZIhlQ1jVjestlUggVtunS7PBepDNsb87nY0b8s1Ax87PxsFgM0NphZ3tpLpAZUyn6c-xZtZnLZC1Hc_RsdgGyIw9lcw5B7IYSvgE0SJafwki3z/s1600-h/doors.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSqxBAfNIvYydlE0Elp7aHFe0Vy8xoyaZIhlQ1jVjestlUggVtunS7PBepDNsb87nY0b8s1Ax87PxsFgM0NphZ3tpLpAZUyn6c-xZtZnLZC1Hc_RsdgGyIw9lcw5B7IYSvgE0SJafwki3z/s320/doors.jpg" width="340" /></a></div>By the way, in this scene Mack is standing in front of one of those doors that has a window with chicken wire running through it. Then we cut away for a second and when we come back Horny is busting his way through that glass only now there's no chicken wire in it and I think someone wasn't doing his or her job very well and has some 'splaining to do.<br />
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Mack gets away from Horny again and runs runs runs some more, right into a bathroom where she finds Lenny hanging from a light fixture. Then you think Horny is going to get her but no, a policeman has magically shown up and he takes her downtown to talk to Chase and Crockers. In the police station all the cops are sitting around watching a Hellaburger commercial where two women make out and someone off screen shoots geysers of blue cheese dressing all over a hamburger. Snicker.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHDMwtg6rlC1Xsk8WruhXBm2qniaSSs5PPsxtF0U52RN1egO7gD-KY2dRauyMoNpqn7O6o5CH9ZB2Iki4Rw3gBZJZZO3V9WWX0fdSmPAWyBpuqGkc_Bp4JeBr_kDoILn2SzlbBxmdHggZT/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2343.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHDMwtg6rlC1Xsk8WruhXBm2qniaSSs5PPsxtF0U52RN1egO7gD-KY2dRauyMoNpqn7O6o5CH9ZB2Iki4Rw3gBZJZZO3V9WWX0fdSmPAWyBpuqGkc_Bp4JeBr_kDoILn2SzlbBxmdHggZT/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2343.jpg" /></a></div>Chase tells Mack that there's no sign of a microwave anywhere in the school and that as far as they're concerned Lenny killed Val. Oh, and Crockers suggests that Mack is on drugs after she says something about the Ouija board and the Magic 8 Ball and Mack tells him to go to hell and her parents get snippy too and they all leave. Then they go home, Mack decides to take a nap in the back yard while listening to her iPod and holding a butcher knife, and Fisher almost gets stabbed when he startles her awake so that they can chat with Van and Star about how tragic everything is.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-_zbUVnun2tSj-fKr8RqNclL9iZ_T8hosh6hokQhShLMT1dredCTTjK9WIMv98LIL59uo9grWIXuz70k0bFMmCUDpy5CZy_P1Bgr1WYPmfliGWG9r5wdzJSpD0YjS7MLxLvueP6y-dLI0/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-_zbUVnun2tSj-fKr8RqNclL9iZ_T8hosh6hokQhShLMT1dredCTTjK9WIMv98LIL59uo9grWIXuz70k0bFMmCUDpy5CZy_P1Bgr1WYPmfliGWG9r5wdzJSpD0YjS7MLxLvueP6y-dLI0/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2358.jpg" /></a>Chase and Crockers, meanwhile, pay a visit to Jack Benjamin, the owner of Hellaburger. Mostly their conversation is boring, but we learn that Jack's son Archie was the original Horny the Clown and that he's dead now. Chase and Crockers say they're sorry about that and oh, by the way, can we see the security camera footage from the night those four kids were killed. Jack says there is no footage because he never turns the cameras on, which we know is a total lie. And sure enough, as soon as C&C leave Jack calls up the camera footage on his computer and we see Horny walk into the Hellaburger and look right at the camera as if to say, "Hi, Dad. Miss me?"<br />
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Back in Mack's bedroom Fisher has learned nothing from his close call with the knife and scares Mack again, only this time she almost blinds herself with the eyeliner pencil she's using. She's also listening to "Highway to Hell" backwards (no, I don't know how) because there are supposedly Satanic chants on it.<br />
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Now, I can tell you from experience that this does not work, because my roommate Chris and I tried the same thing when we were in college, after our school pastor told us the Devil was hiding in AC/DC records. You know what we heard? "Gubba boon wawa ibbidy foop." So that's how much <i>he</i> knew about backward masking. Anyway, he was fired not long after because it turned out he was making it with the girl half of a student couple who came to him for marriage counseling, and he was replaced by a really nice pastor everyone liked but then <i>he</i> left to become pastor of a church that needed a new pastor because theirs had recently run off with a married woman from the congregation and that woman happened to be my mother. But that's a whole other story.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJgzNqHeQnzdZvkR0ErGa9uKwrzSri2xK_7LCxsHC_TVu4UQenFt84F0h6Cb1Pdsni1lSGtpg-NMh6P3mbrUcN06pCrDnZbyCKU4Qn9PFyrocstnD4Qtfr1JnYQSPGO6E8N0Mpuww8dCp/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIJgzNqHeQnzdZvkR0ErGa9uKwrzSri2xK_7LCxsHC_TVu4UQenFt84F0h6Cb1Pdsni1lSGtpg-NMh6P3mbrUcN06pCrDnZbyCKU4Qn9PFyrocstnD4Qtfr1JnYQSPGO6E8N0Mpuww8dCp/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" /></a>What's important is that Mack has decided to lose her virginity RIGHT NOW, even though it's not her birthday yet and technically Fisher would be guilty of statutory rape because he's already 18. But because there is less than a three-year age difference between them it would only be a misdemeanor, so he might not be worried about it. Anyway, I don't think Mack would turn him in.<br />
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But her mother might because she's a little uptight as we know, so Mack locks the bedroom door and she and Fisher get busy. And it's a good thing she locked the door because Mom does come up to see what's going on and it could have been awkward. Instead she believes Mack when Mack says she's getting dressed for the carnival they're apparently going to later that night, even though Mack's panties are on the floor and Fisher is touching her under the sheets and this is the first we've heard about any carnival.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKq_qgcvLL4GS1pwPOapxz-D0DwPcZb9rV8Mu7uQ4GerKdnorvr7jgE5U9HiUbN4ncJakaYoAGPDuLio7s0P3Bvj1HalxptiVcdAS4l911vsv3oF0uGlKKiSDbhkuwFm4zQDuSlbZNPeJU/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2364.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKq_qgcvLL4GS1pwPOapxz-D0DwPcZb9rV8Mu7uQ4GerKdnorvr7jgE5U9HiUbN4ncJakaYoAGPDuLio7s0P3Bvj1HalxptiVcdAS4l911vsv3oF0uGlKKiSDbhkuwFm4zQDuSlbZNPeJU/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2364.jpg" width="254" /></a></div>Something else is on the floor too. It's an Etch A Sketch. And while Mack is losing it to Fisher something writes an interesting message on the Etch A Sketch. It looks like this:<br />
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As you may have guessed by the whole Magic 8 Ball/Val's tattoo thing, this might be a clue. Your suspicion would be confirmed a moment later when we see a couple walking up to the ticket counter of the aforementioned carnival and the girl half is wearing a t-shirt with that very slogan on it, which is a bit of foreshadowing but is also funny because we're supposed to assume that the girl doesn't understand that the Bush she hearts could be George but it could <i>also</i> be the kind of bush that her liking of would make her something most people who live in Orange County aren't all that fond of.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdb_CdGs0Ox4pegBof_1bNipJs15OY63dBdISKp_TBx_uVbeQ88GaHzYK4BFVubqNsD_UZbYs-JXCRdGL59MmatMCvaYFV4pNnEwcDVFjPfIu-Vo6B9v7AUT3XUAq1NZ8RdGrWRN4aczjW/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2367.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdb_CdGs0Ox4pegBof_1bNipJs15OY63dBdISKp_TBx_uVbeQ88GaHzYK4BFVubqNsD_UZbYs-JXCRdGL59MmatMCvaYFV4pNnEwcDVFjPfIu-Vo6B9v7AUT3XUAq1NZ8RdGrWRN4aczjW/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2367.jpg" /></a>The girl's name is Tina and the boy's name is Chad but Mack and Fisher call them Abercrombie and Bitch, which hits them where it hurts and they get all pouty and go into the haunted house, where they promptly have sex and Tina gets mad because Chad doesn't put her pleasure first and thinks only of himself. But they're there, so she figures she might as well enjoy at least <i>one</i> ride and they get in a car and go through the house.<br />
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Did I mention that Fisher has followed them, and that he sees everything when Horny kills the happy couple when he shows up in the room of mirrors? Because he has, and he does, and it freaks him out.<br />
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Mack is a little freaked out herself because she's watching her dad eat a Hellaburger (remember, she's a vegan) and all of a sudden a DILF comes along who isn't her dad and he seems to be acquainted with Mack's mom in some special way. His name is Bert, and he happens to be Tina's father. He mentions to Marcia (that's Mack's mom's non-mom name) that the kids who were killed recently were all children of people he and Marcia went to school with. Marcia is all "what do you know about that" but Mack senses Something More is being said.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTVBrwP-7nwt9BSKSQ6NRbLYOsO2zjAcBvofgRB1UJl9W2JuLRRYjjJYE5Nh8vfKc08kiDBHOa4MiZHXcyvabGldvCQQrcolk0YCU_zSN5iVSbH8Z2kB9QgFtKgyvLMBtvXYh3g8MSCM5N/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2373.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTVBrwP-7nwt9BSKSQ6NRbLYOsO2zjAcBvofgRB1UJl9W2JuLRRYjjJYE5Nh8vfKc08kiDBHOa4MiZHXcyvabGldvCQQrcolk0YCU_zSN5iVSbH8Z2kB9QgFtKgyvLMBtvXYh3g8MSCM5N/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2373.jpg" /></a></div>She doesn't have time to ask because Star runs up in a Bride of Frankenstein wig and says something bad has happened at the haunted house and she and Mack go there and find Fisher all freaked out and an ambulance comes for him and Mack goes home and finds the Etch A Sketch and freaks and makes her mom take her to the hospital to see Fisher but the cops won't let her in because she's not a relative, wife, or registered domestic partner and Chase is there being all suspicious and accusatory and they get into it and Chase says that if she's going to be any help to Mack she needs to know what's really going on and no one will say anything and Mack throws herself down on a couch in the waiting room and says things to her mother that she might regret later.<br />
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Chase, who has returned to the police station, finally gets some answers when she talks to Bert about why someone might want to kill his daughter besides the simple reason that she was a total bitch and must have taken after her mother because Bert is not only hot, he's nice, even if he's a little short with Chase because of his recent unpleasant experience. But we don't hear any of what he tells her because it's too early in the film and they want to keep us in suspense. It does, however, make us wonder if there's a Mrs. Bert around because there doesn't seem to be and <i>someone</i> should be holding Bert in their arms and saying, "There, there, Tina wasn't so great and we can always adopt another one or maybe get a pair of French bulldogs instead."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7TJ7j6b7FvXae6SDE9DZNibUuTxR5rinusIw5IV1BuXq8wgDNM5oXsd6u1ZvqarT8qO3VbQpnDYdzjtCePVPhFmE9zDDj-hL75HaGWQTLEX2F9wZnkUnLQImGIIZs4fOakEpetZJLyZxx/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7TJ7j6b7FvXae6SDE9DZNibUuTxR5rinusIw5IV1BuXq8wgDNM5oXsd6u1ZvqarT8qO3VbQpnDYdzjtCePVPhFmE9zDDj-hL75HaGWQTLEX2F9wZnkUnLQImGIIZs4fOakEpetZJLyZxx/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" /></a>Instead we see Fisher emptying the contents of one of his sedatives over a hamburger and tricking Crockers (who is guarding his room) into eating it. We also see Mack, who is still at the hospital hoping to see Fisher, going to get a soda. Near the soda machine is one of those supersized gumball machine things that dispenses little plastic balls filled with toys of one kind and another. When I was a kid it was things like super bouncy balls, fake gold jewelery, and little plastic monkeys that smoked tiny fake cigarettes. I don't know why there would be such a thing in a hospital, but there is. And sure enough, one of those plastic ball container things rolls out and Mack opens it. Inside is a tiny clown head and a piece of paper on which is written "See you at 4:20"<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9teF6oXlfHBIH0KcVsrDUV9JY1P0NgmalvYsYoV8KIUb4WBTyBOvIQxxq3wk7Zl6z-OewFAIsrLaPDME8E98AqRHeLRJOS0kydCRVEjYSblBmD4l2wABYkedMYr7xRhwN0OynRwDQ38vv/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2379.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9teF6oXlfHBIH0KcVsrDUV9JY1P0NgmalvYsYoV8KIUb4WBTyBOvIQxxq3wk7Zl6z-OewFAIsrLaPDME8E98AqRHeLRJOS0kydCRVEjYSblBmD4l2wABYkedMYr7xRhwN0OynRwDQ38vv/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2379.jpg" /></a></div>Mack knows, based on past experiences, that this note is not random. She runs to her car, where she finds Fisher hiding. He deduces that 4:20 refers to a group of diehard stoners from their school, and suggests that they find them before it's too late.<br />
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But it already <i>is</i> too late. The stoners--two guys and a girl--are already super high and have the munchies. So where do they go? Hellaburger? Are you serious?<br />
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Well, you're right. But they don't just go there and order food, they go there and start playing in the kiddy section. Actually, they start pissing in the kiddy section, which makes them not as lovable as lovable stoners usually are in movies. Also, they make the girl go get them food, which is really sexist but not as big a deal as it might be because the girl has no manners at all. She even rolls her eyes when the Hellaburger manager who takes her order gives her a Horny the Clown doll for free. So she kind of needs an attitude adjustment.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE67INsqy836wFFjF4bQnvQJ6l1YB-Tz425GtFuHMvZgQqogQirdi7FvAQhOe8_B6fCNA7h_g7l-MWAm4cnFU8bgj1urp-ZnRU90KgizdcCLhS-Medcf6vsQ41Lvyt8oH6vcGEKKRkLDaA/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2382.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE67INsqy836wFFjF4bQnvQJ6l1YB-Tz425GtFuHMvZgQqogQirdi7FvAQhOe8_B6fCNA7h_g7l-MWAm4cnFU8bgj1urp-ZnRU90KgizdcCLhS-Medcf6vsQ41Lvyt8oH6vcGEKKRkLDaA/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2382.jpg" width="252" /></a>The manager, by the howdy doody, is played by Morgan Spurlock. You know, the guy who made the documentary <i>Super Size Me</i> where he lived on nothing but McDonald's food for 30 days and didn't want to have sex with his girlfriend because he was filled with trans fats. This is supposed to be ironic. And yes, he's the special guest star I promised you earlier. Try not to get too excited.<br />
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While Morgan is chatting up the stoner girl, Horny the Clown rises from the pit of little plastic balls in the kiddy room and metes out clown vengeance on the boys. This results in lots of blood and Morgan passing out when he sees it. But the stoner girl should totally be relieved because, well, she's not dead and now maybe she'll see that drugs are bad and that she should think about junior college or maybe cosmetology school.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikJPoCbHu5DLo6n5uGj3oDvUXCEF8c18dGg46Os0Xy8yOIzaByaCyqRrfggJY0HtiwKJCrWQpoMucO3Gztd7la3odtN9uAe496j_4rE_B9WQlIQygEEsVdnGhvmRY4QhHjGyes9ERF_sFZ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2388.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikJPoCbHu5DLo6n5uGj3oDvUXCEF8c18dGg46Os0Xy8yOIzaByaCyqRrfggJY0HtiwKJCrWQpoMucO3Gztd7la3odtN9uAe496j_4rE_B9WQlIQygEEsVdnGhvmRY4QhHjGyes9ERF_sFZ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2388.jpg" /></a></div>Mack, now more determined than ever to know what secrets her mother is hiding, demands answers. Because we're nearing the end of the film, Mom spills it. When she was Mack's age she hung around with the parents of the dead kids. They were a wacky, fun-loving bunch. Also, they smoked a lot of pot in someone's van and Marcia slept with Chuck Taylor, who is the father of the black boy stoner Horny just stubbed out--and <i>that</i> was a big deal for a girl from Orange County in the 70's and because of what happened next may be what turned made her so edgy about the past.<br />
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You see, Archie Benjamin was the same age as Marcia and her wacky friends, but he was awkward and his father made him spend all of his free time dressed as Horny the Clown and shilling for the restaurant. This made Archie a little weird.<br />
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Archie had a thing for Marcia, who was a little hottie in her day, and he sent her an invitation to his 18th birthday party. Marcia and her friends used the invite to roll joints, but the guys told Marcia to say yeah, she'd come, so she did. Given that the movie <i>Carrie</i> would have come out right around this time, you would think that Marcia might have thought about Carrie and the pig blood business and been suspicious. But no. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXdOSBc4_HU0vMdNrtnpA-qv5B-8qRYYziEpVLW2_oRM7BfOkQ5npVQMnRUe91L9Pyhid2lx0kKjGfW_FUveyiooEDUvYwBoOWgRx-tGJYj7_o5cIsAlw5c0kCbWnOBWNCU5DM9PxINoRq/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2397.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXdOSBc4_HU0vMdNrtnpA-qv5B-8qRYYziEpVLW2_oRM7BfOkQ5npVQMnRUe91L9Pyhid2lx0kKjGfW_FUveyiooEDUvYwBoOWgRx-tGJYj7_o5cIsAlw5c0kCbWnOBWNCU5DM9PxINoRq/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2397.jpg" /></a></div>She showed up at the restaurant the night of Archie's big day and he had the place decorated with balloons and streamers. He'd also baked himself a cake, which is sad. He was really happy when he saw Marcia at the door. But this didn't last long because the boys had snuck in the back and now Chuck scared the frosting out of him by sneaking up on him wearing the Horny mask.<br />
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The rest is too awful. They fought. The boys wrecked the cake. Archie fell down. The candles on the cake started a fire. You can guess the rest.<br />
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Note: Although Horny isn't all that pleasant a fellow, Archie seems sweet. So does Van De La Plante, who plays both Archie and Horny. See how nicely he cleans up? I bet he wouldn't hurt a fly. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQz1gbGnTWWgZ_QsNeT_Dmw-7y1bWO8oRknQy1b48OHYW2v366W5FfQOVgOBW89C3x9vNZcgwjDCQH7Z2F8DybyaPJoYKb0KcYQZyK2QuIOlX3v97KuBNL74bTbF_b1qk666euC9A7jWxX/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-02-06+at+11.10.41+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQz1gbGnTWWgZ_QsNeT_Dmw-7y1bWO8oRknQy1b48OHYW2v366W5FfQOVgOBW89C3x9vNZcgwjDCQH7Z2F8DybyaPJoYKb0KcYQZyK2QuIOlX3v97KuBNL74bTbF_b1qk666euC9A7jWxX/s320/Screen+shot+2010-02-06+at+11.10.41+AM.png" /></a>Now it all makes sense to Mack. The children of the people who caused Archie's death are being picked off one by one as revenge for the prank. Marcia says she thinks it's Jack Benjamin doing the killing, but Mack has seen more horror movies than her mom has and she knows it's Archie come back from the dead.<br />
<br />
She decides to end things once and for all by getting Fisher, Van, and Star and going to the Benjamin mansion. She brings a gun and a flask of whiskey. Wouldn't you?<br />
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Also, wouldn't you split up when you got to the mansion? Because that's what they do. Van and Star go to check out the garage, while Mack and Fisher go inside.<br />
<br />
In the house, Jack Benjamin is asleep. He hears a noise and wakes up. His television is on and there's a video of Horny telling him that it's time to party. By which he means kill a bunch of kids.<br />
<br />
Mack and Fisher have stumbled into Archie's childhood room, which looks like it did the day he died. They're amazed at the lava lamps and Magic 8 Ball and other 70's stuff. They're even more amazed when a Horny the Clown doll announces happy birthday to Mackenzie and she checks her watch and sees that it's midnight and she is now 18. But she's in no mood to celebrate and besides Fisher already gave her her big present, if you know what I mean, and that's something you can't open twice.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUM1K13wzi9Ae4jyS08kEDdmpHYwzME5k8doG1ZfmVDwy3pMKjGZe8y2B1alKPZqzaVam1FK8d7slT2pomjlTP9zf-2L-B_wAYOqM1ZPGnjD9m3r5MG4CUKrd8y-PKFZZGmynJDd5mBMbK/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23106.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUM1K13wzi9Ae4jyS08kEDdmpHYwzME5k8doG1ZfmVDwy3pMKjGZe8y2B1alKPZqzaVam1FK8d7slT2pomjlTP9zf-2L-B_wAYOqM1ZPGnjD9m3r5MG4CUKrd8y-PKFZZGmynJDd5mBMbK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23106.jpg" width="293" /></a></div>We're close to the end now, and things clip along at a good speed. Here's the condensed version. The lights go out. Someone screams. Van finds a freezer filled with frozen broccoli and Star's body parts (now we know who screamed). Marcia calls Chase and tells her she thinks Mack is at the Benjamin place. Horny kills Van. Mack and Fisher are about to go through a door when Horny breaks through it. Mack drops the gun. Chase and Crockers arrive. Horny chases Mack and Fisher. Fisher pulls Horny's mask off. Horny puts his face really close to Fisher's and something weird happens to Fisher's eye and it turns red. Horny throws Fisher through a window. Crockers almost shoots his own foot off. Chase finds Jack hiding in his bedroom.<br />
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The two most interesting parts of all this are Fisher's eye turning red and Jack being scared of Archie. The eye thing gets explained (sort of) later. And we could easily assume that Jack is afraid of Archie because, well, he's a creepy clown with a cleaver. But it could also imply that Archie never really died and has been living with Jack all along and only now has gone totally cheese and crackers. That would at least explain where Archie has been all these years, which would be nice because no one offers any other explanation.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqlTtkp_LmJ-Kp-DTLbNl9dCmMl3JHr3KAwOMWcryy9EUzpV3ol4eT3ZZ_vS5_ia4jPW1pu-E-qM5S4JV6A4qOLBntr-6js9EVZpSEDYkVCjxNZd9DdTjomp8VBWha_-3i3IQ_l2NMP8eL/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23135.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqlTtkp_LmJ-Kp-DTLbNl9dCmMl3JHr3KAwOMWcryy9EUzpV3ol4eT3ZZ_vS5_ia4jPW1pu-E-qM5S4JV6A4qOLBntr-6js9EVZpSEDYkVCjxNZd9DdTjomp8VBWha_-3i3IQ_l2NMP8eL/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23135.jpg" width="363" /></a>Now we get to the big scene. Mack, who was knocked out during the fight in the dining room, wakes up. She's tied up and sitting at a table. In front of her is a birthday cake. Around the table are the bodies of some of the dead kids.<br />
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Now I know what you're going to say. "This is a ripoff of <i>Happy Birthday to Me.</i>" No, it isn't. I'm sure it's meant to resemble the famous scene from that movie, but that's because <i>Drive Thru</i> is an homage to horror films of that time. But the stories aren't really all that similar. Also, Mack isn't Ginny or Ann and there's no clown in <i>HPTM</i>, so just shut up and enjoy it.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpK7CYuAMzoqOKEtJbuYuYd1oZ3Ra2sKAPCgPf6VJI73YD7D_YNUEM5NI_97p9kh7exMjyuBWjg5py89qwE2D-rpN5OEEYy3PJDeROqQpvEfz9sncIjregpkBroJm28huFEok7eCyLiM44/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpK7CYuAMzoqOKEtJbuYuYd1oZ3Ra2sKAPCgPf6VJI73YD7D_YNUEM5NI_97p9kh7exMjyuBWjg5py89qwE2D-rpN5OEEYy3PJDeROqQpvEfz9sncIjregpkBroJm28huFEok7eCyLiM44/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23130.jpg" width="348" /></a></div>This isn't the birthday party Mack imagined she would be having on her Big Day, so she's a little upset. And she's really not keen on Archie's gift for her--a can of gasoline. Personally, I think it's a very thoughtful gift, gas prices being what they are and all, but that's just me. I like getting socks, too.<br />
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Archie is disappointed by Mack's lack of enthusiasm for his present so he dumps it over her head. Then he picks up a lit birthday candle and prepares to make a wish.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ84JRt_EXiLAKqxcbx4wV4czETdZNSIv7wBkAPKB91e8CUq-idbkTkdYh5GdFhBwHb33YBBYVHRVCFNX8oV-C-uG6OFzTYKjXfl74JXX3IBsoDe8mianPMFK7Ms5BaCFU-0QzZbVplsl_/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23138.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ84JRt_EXiLAKqxcbx4wV4czETdZNSIv7wBkAPKB91e8CUq-idbkTkdYh5GdFhBwHb33YBBYVHRVCFNX8oV-C-uG6OFzTYKjXfl74JXX3IBsoDe8mianPMFK7Ms5BaCFU-0QzZbVplsl_/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23138.jpg" width="353" /></a></div>Only right then Marcia shows up! Go Mom! She shoots Archie and he tackles her and throws her to the ground. So close, Marcia. So close.<br />
<br />
Now Archie goes back to Mack, whose mood hasn't improved any. Again he picks up the candle. But this time Mack has a surprise for him. Remember her flask of whiskey? Well, it wasn't such a stupid idea after all. Because Mack has managed to swig a mouthful of it, and now she spits it at Horny.<br />
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Poor Archie. His parties never end happily, do they?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZzRyjDdd6MwqdMbmi-y7e_5-H2NcpW3SPgs8RyXQmt8yY2wEjx3pP-Yztu4Grq9bOE5ehbJ1J42Ps8D5oTEnzSZD_lE0ZdwlRcXVAKVem0ORp_OOEgCX_RcQh9HiyO61DuCxKLXBW1R9/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23149.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZzRyjDdd6MwqdMbmi-y7e_5-H2NcpW3SPgs8RyXQmt8yY2wEjx3pP-Yztu4Grq9bOE5ehbJ1J42Ps8D5oTEnzSZD_lE0ZdwlRcXVAKVem0ORp_OOEgCX_RcQh9HiyO61DuCxKLXBW1R9/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23149.jpg" width="352" /></a>With Archie dead (again) Chase arrives and tells Mack that Fisher has been taken to the hospital (again) in critical condition. Mack rushes to see him (again) but before she gets there Fisher wakes up and his eyes are all red (again). When Mack finally does arrive she finds Fisher's room empty and the window open. Below them, on the ground, are Fisher's clothes. "It's not over," Mack tells her mother, which is a little pessimistic of her.<br />
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But she's right. It's <i>not</i> over. Somehow Horny Archie transferred his madness to Fisher when they were eye-to-eye. Now it's taken over Fisher's mind. And it's not long before he makes his next (or I guess it would be first) appearance. Crockers, famished after a day of ineptitude, decides to stop by Hellaburger for a late dinner. While he's waiting at the giant talking clown head to place his order, someone jumps on the hood of his car. Want to guess who it is?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYpcL9G7l6rhzdm-wqfyz20mE1e_duCIuS2WSzdBnD0jEvk-gmgHT_iax6ZXwXHDR9lxUXp6cwhexMuZek4z2ckLX2LMaGR1EOV0KzFxjqjHv4vHCDOw391c4hPFHVOYS8jzlfWlrh9mk/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23155.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYpcL9G7l6rhzdm-wqfyz20mE1e_duCIuS2WSzdBnD0jEvk-gmgHT_iax6ZXwXHDR9lxUXp6cwhexMuZek4z2ckLX2LMaGR1EOV0KzFxjqjHv4vHCDOw391c4hPFHVOYS8jzlfWlrh9mk/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23155.jpg" /></a></div>Listen. I'm not going to worry about how Archie's evil got into Fisher or whatever. Nor am I going to worry about how Fisher found another Horny suit. I don't care. I'm just glad Horny is back.<br />
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I'm also pleased to hear that <i>Drive Thru 2: It's Just the Beginning</i> recently finished shooting. I don't know when it's going to hit theaters (or if it even will) but I'm looking forward to it. More of Horny the Clown?<br />
<br />
Hella yes.<br />
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Favorite Line: "Have you seen your ass? How's a young hormone junkie like me supposed to be patient?"<br />
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Rating (Out of 5):<br />
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<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=45clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="4.5 Clowns" border="0" height="90" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/45clowns.png" width="431" /></a>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-11102311302826930222010-02-01T06:25:00.000-08:002010-02-24T10:48:01.381-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #11: 100 Tears (2007)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrJswFYKFSEPn9cxi_KzuBL1ufhqFsJuBhpXxahDCkgmMCdphPXJY4m7WJSrxCunU5mWdzjyo_crZvYNCVLVwGUy-eHqG5PTDsEVQBbApBbLMFC6VGp2KEMQGoo19gPU3TWe0F9sPrlfgw/s1600-h/6916_127417209373_705759373_2276308_6161197_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT_gcfBlf1YfF1flX70hn3ZqSwuIz8VK18919M9eoUG7v21xN-LXkeZxhe-WrU8sGY6aEhEp4IfTLjxJeNcYSQuZNM-4L7zPFt9tyI_fbr_DtUKVdDWmyCScELbQBwisi41hLYUfND0tY/s1600-h/me+and+becky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT_gcfBlf1YfF1flX70hn3ZqSwuIz8VK18919M9eoUG7v21xN-LXkeZxhe-WrU8sGY6aEhEp4IfTLjxJeNcYSQuZNM-4L7zPFt9tyI_fbr_DtUKVdDWmyCScELbQBwisi41hLYUfND0tY/s320/me+and+becky.jpg" /></a>One time in college my friend Becky and I were in the school's computer center writing papers. (That's us on the left. It was the 80's. Don't judge.) Becky's paper was for her philosophy class and I was doing something for, I think, my Victorian Literature class. Everything was going swimmingly until Becky said--loudly--a word we weren't allowed to say per the rules of the Christian college we attended.<br />
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"What?" I asked her.<br />
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"The electronic typing box ate my paper," she said. Then she said the Deplorable Word again.<br />
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"Didn't you save it?" I asked.<br />
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She said the Deplorable Word a few more times, which I took as a no.<br />
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It was late and the computer center was closing soon, so she had only an hour to rewrite her paper. And she simply wasn't up to it. So I took over. I don't remember much about the paper except that it was something about a mongoose who was searching for enlightenment.<br />
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No, that wasn't what Becky had written about. It's what I wrote while she recited the main points of her paper. I just used the mongoose as a stand-in for, you know, people. It was stupid, but it was also very funny. As I recall she received a fairly good grade on it.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxQVr8J-1m8nIqs-yIWZPu6fxc4yBriblqDRa86Wa_H1mwonZSQOkAqP_obARASqBjz8-_7lbqofIhMbG0qbwJ1EHwiagnbQhzRVQ-sm2TSJA9rMlG8EwSdclMUz4Vbz04IIKf89Bv-fbf/s1600-h/100+tears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxQVr8J-1m8nIqs-yIWZPu6fxc4yBriblqDRa86Wa_H1mwonZSQOkAqP_obARASqBjz8-_7lbqofIhMbG0qbwJ1EHwiagnbQhzRVQ-sm2TSJA9rMlG8EwSdclMUz4Vbz04IIKf89Bv-fbf/s320/100+tears.jpg" /></a></div>That's what <i>100 Tears</i> is like.<br />
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Seriously, the film reads as if it were made by a bunch of really clever film students who had all semester to put together their final project but waited until the night before to get started. Pieces of it are brilliant while other pieces . . . not so much.<br />
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Let's talk about the brilliant pieces. Well, okay, piece. That's the clown. He's fantastic. His makeup is perfect. His costume is spot-on. You really believe that he's a psychotic carnival fool. He may be my favorite creepy movie clown ever. Yes, <i>ever.</i><br />
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And not only does he look great, he acts the part. Well, <a href="http://www.myspace.com/jackamosactor">Jack Amos</a> acts the part. According to <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0025306/">IMDB</a> Amos has been in a lot of what appear to be horror films. Also--and I love this--he's credited as an archival researcher on programs about Elizabeth II and the family of Winston Churchill. Oh, and he's also done stunt work and knows about pyrotechnics. A clown for all seasons, our Jack.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwVgwuyaqsipXDEfMwRO4jziWH55GDTXgYC5ig-vXu6lGUBl3qMmGnPkprlU0mREQYS3Wyyx1KBKe0DDAC0lUBnnVHvj8pehgN8we0e12NWexzb5xvMpaUOZnhpP_mjIz6PzQxx73TqRX/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23342.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwVgwuyaqsipXDEfMwRO4jziWH55GDTXgYC5ig-vXu6lGUBl3qMmGnPkprlU0mREQYS3Wyyx1KBKe0DDAC0lUBnnVHvj8pehgN8we0e12NWexzb5xvMpaUOZnhpP_mjIz6PzQxx73TqRX/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23342.jpg" width="271" /></a>Really, I can't say enough good thinks about Jack Amos's Gurdy the Clown. He's truly crap-your-pants scary, a complete psychopath who wields an enormous cleaver with the precision of a teppanyaki chef making an onion volcano. And he does it all with a casualness that suggests he's so far gone that he might as well be weeding a flowerbed.<br />
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Okay, so here's Gurdy's story. His real name is Luther Edward Baxter. By all accounts he was a very amiable fellow, at least until these two girls named Tracy and Roxanne showed up at the carnival. Tracy and Luther took a fancy to each other, which apparently made Roxanne jealous so one night when Luther was giving Tracy some good old clown loving Roxanne told Ralphio the strong man that Luther was raping Tracy. Then Ralphio got all "I'll defend your honor" about it and beat the confetti out of Luther.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjplPmVldd6Xo3ZSXbfQcCXW66NilIoIyI4tB-RvkmEj90zqx9rBb6tLMi4myiPcTpfMt_jB_qbTgnTQHwhQ4BC9DMCs46ObvsZjiumWfQjlhwVfxYXs9FXSzWtYxReb205ucD_sGepoZ4N/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23324.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjplPmVldd6Xo3ZSXbfQcCXW66NilIoIyI4tB-RvkmEj90zqx9rBb6tLMi4myiPcTpfMt_jB_qbTgnTQHwhQ4BC9DMCs46ObvsZjiumWfQjlhwVfxYXs9FXSzWtYxReb205ucD_sGepoZ4N/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23324.jpg" /></a></div>Luther, naturally, killed Roxanne (who deserved it if you ask me) and Ralphio (who should have asked a few more questions before popping Luther in the snoot, but still he was just trying to help Tracy and probably killing him was taking it a bit too far). Luther couldn't stay around after that so he ran off. But the carnival people protect their own, so nobody said anything to the cops.<br />
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Oh, we learn all that from a porn-loving dwarf named Drago. He tells it to two reporters for the tabloid <i>Midnight Star.</i> Their names are Mark and Jennifer. (Mark is played by Joe Davison, who also wrote the script.) They apparently write their stories together and are trying to land one that will be their big break. Jennifer initially suggests a piece about a lizard boy, and Mark counters with one about the <i>Titanic</i> rising from its grave, and then Jennifer says, "Hey, why don't we do one about this serial murderer called the Teardrop Killer?"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpluqisClauTqjEmDsmT8SGp6tS2PoCpZrATaxj3snepk1BmVVGSMhzwB_35GmpylRwDotdwV3ocg9Q-1mknnNcACcNRBR29QWMYB3gDEjVCV7pBx8S6uKzmO_3v8MKoRhtGyOjdzQeNWL/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23357.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpluqisClauTqjEmDsmT8SGp6tS2PoCpZrATaxj3snepk1BmVVGSMhzwB_35GmpylRwDotdwV3ocg9Q-1mknnNcACcNRBR29QWMYB3gDEjVCV7pBx8S6uKzmO_3v8MKoRhtGyOjdzQeNWL/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23357.jpg" width="270" /></a>Note: He's called the Teardrop Killer because he always leaves a teardrop drawn in blood on the wall near his victims. Apply this knowledge to the title of the film and it will have meaning. Personally I prefer "96 Tears" by ? and the Mysterians, but that's just me.<br />
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And now a musical interlude. For those of you who haven't heard it, "96 Tears" is an awesome song. It is widely credited for launching the punk rock movement and even for coining the term "punk rock," which was first used by music journalist Dave Marsh when writing about ? and the Mysterians in the May 1971 issue of <i>Creem</i> magazine. And yes, I know you're going to say, "Uh-uh, the Ramones were the first punk band." Take it up with Dave Marsh.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRBX-4lc5S3YHbvdANYXMu5X9-b9bhp5tV5BlY11iN8_AjfCg6Rw0GgJqO6BYqmA1Pv1jepckDaJOHx8K6kgUPI6hBwHqeOxEIi0wa9LvVgOFIxjbvQ5gTzsG5Vje8GEsWoeUaaQiCd2uU/s1600-h/Question+Mark+_0025_26+The+Mysterians-+96+Tears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRBX-4lc5S3YHbvdANYXMu5X9-b9bhp5tV5BlY11iN8_AjfCg6Rw0GgJqO6BYqmA1Pv1jepckDaJOHx8K6kgUPI6hBwHqeOxEIi0wa9LvVgOFIxjbvQ5gTzsG5Vje8GEsWoeUaaQiCd2uU/s320/Question+Mark+_0025_26+The+Mysterians-+96+Tears.jpg" width="212" /></a>Referred to as Question Mark and the Mysterians, ? and the Mysterians, and just The Mysterians, the band got its name from the 1957 Japanese sci-fi movie <i>The Mysterians</i>, which is about aliens from the planet Mysteroid who attack Earth with their giant robot Moguera and demand land and Earth women. The identity of ? was long a mystery (Ha ha! See what I did there?) but is now believed to be one Rudy Martinez.<br />
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96 Tears<br />
? and the Mysterians<br />
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Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJsEoKAy9gKCLKdUdZdhs6OVj1juPMzfpAA5hg4thyZ1mXlX3XGD7pM0DyJa55fZCfCpvzkGPl_ftRT9enKuvS5MnRLusqN_Ag3x3A6dW_PIpN_bjd27YAFtIuQxLG0_sJy85bs9r1dI93/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23348.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJsEoKAy9gKCLKdUdZdhs6OVj1juPMzfpAA5hg4thyZ1mXlX3XGD7pM0DyJa55fZCfCpvzkGPl_ftRT9enKuvS5MnRLusqN_Ag3x3A6dW_PIpN_bjd27YAFtIuQxLG0_sJy85bs9r1dI93/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23348.jpg" /></a>Mark doesn't want to write about a serial killer, but Jennifer is pretty and he has a crush on her so he says okay. Now, I say he has a crush on her because they don't seem to be an item. But Jennifer apparently sleeps at his house and somehow her drool gets all over his undershirt so maybe they're more than friends. It doesn't really matter. You may also be interested to know that Jennifer speaks Greek when she talks to her sister (who is some kind of "Fed") on the phone. There's no point to this, and I expect that because they were doing this the night before it was due one of the people involved said, "Hey! Let's have her speak Greek. No one will know what she's saying anyway, so that's twenty lines of dialogue we don't need to write."<br />
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Unless, of course, any Greeks are watching the film. But I imagine they're a small segment of the audience. I mean really, aren't they all busy making baklava?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZphAkHR_evaF_-qSzy3Wbox4qwQTnfJbG4-BCm83TCbBxEjB2GoXtnQDLWNI_PAep2jS72U4RPKfeZnj6csoGHahNBkZZZBiAJxQBN9iaswE07etYSELwPzk_-oujpdjOnUFsbczpmkj/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23313.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZphAkHR_evaF_-qSzy3Wbox4qwQTnfJbG4-BCm83TCbBxEjB2GoXtnQDLWNI_PAep2jS72U4RPKfeZnj6csoGHahNBkZZZBiAJxQBN9iaswE07etYSELwPzk_-oujpdjOnUFsbczpmkj/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23313.jpg" width="272" /></a></div>Conveniently, Gurdy the Clown has decided to go on a killing spree at the beginning of the movie. He's wiped out the residents of a halfway house, including a crippled girl whose head he hacks off before pushing her chair down the stairs. He kills about a billion other people in addition to her, but nothing is quite as novel as the death of the differently-abled girl, although it was sort of neat when he stepped on one victim's head and it exploded like a tomato. I know this usually wouldn't happen in real life, as skulls tend to be a bit more reliable than that, but perhaps the victim had Paget's Disease or something.<br />
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Which brings us to the main problem I have with <i>100 Tears.</i> Ultimately it's just a clownploitation snuff film. Everyone dies. There's blood everywhere. Severed limbs. Sliced-open stomachs. Squashed heads. The visuals are all very effective, which is no surprise given that director Marcus Koch runs Oddtopsy F/X and has created amazing effects on numerous films. Still, it become tiresome pretty quickly unless you like gore for the sake of gore, in which case you're a moron. Yes, I said it. Moron.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij1tEBaAA3SP34JFVx8U9olE6LIXKu3sOXqUevXurvItJALuSi2-93VrgKISX7-zN31Wyh9_AE6Uaw2mlmpLs6xu7IhGpIloKDNv0Mlw9brEatBOLJ33M9tP149CWZBTXPiyt8oykgwgH3/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23316.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij1tEBaAA3SP34JFVx8U9olE6LIXKu3sOXqUevXurvItJALuSi2-93VrgKISX7-zN31Wyh9_AE6Uaw2mlmpLs6xu7IhGpIloKDNv0Mlw9brEatBOLJ33M9tP149CWZBTXPiyt8oykgwgH3/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23316.jpg" width="234" /></a>And that's too bad, because the story idea is great. You have this formerly-charming circus clown who goes bonkers when he's accused of something he didn't do. On top of that, the girl he was in love with (you remember Tracy, right?) is still alive. And she has a daughter. Guess who the daddy is? And guess who's inherited daddy's predilection for cutting?<br />
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Her name is Christine. She likes to put her hair in pigtails and dress like a slut. She spends the majority of the movie running around in pink bikini underpants. But before that she kills her mother, who as Christine is leaving for a night out comments that her daughter "looks like a clown."<br />
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Bad choice of words, Mom. That seems to trigger something in Christine's head, and that night she hooks up with this guy and kills him while he's--how do I put this--nibbling the lettuce in her salad patch in an alley behind a bar. Like Farmer McGregor going after Peter Rabbit, she teaches him a lesson, which seems a little harsh given that most women are thrilled if a guy wants to nibble their lettuce.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5ZCTWF0qepiYjpAMFrNaamwRb26c6ScWlkEywqkh6zt6_jxPbdNQ_oIlwwpTsHYumVAhs9Gs9pvG-JD8pfMLns3MEJlBqeJco2d5HE1HUVVIINPE2NOHq5EQYxw_I8AX03xwsuGUz9jha/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23333.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5ZCTWF0qepiYjpAMFrNaamwRb26c6ScWlkEywqkh6zt6_jxPbdNQ_oIlwwpTsHYumVAhs9Gs9pvG-JD8pfMLns3MEJlBqeJco2d5HE1HUVVIINPE2NOHq5EQYxw_I8AX03xwsuGUz9jha/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23333.jpg" /></a></div>Not long after, Christine hooks up with Daddy Gurdy. Actually, he kidnaps her and takes her back to the warehouse he's been living in, where he has a little room all set up for her. At first she thinks he's going to kill her but then he shows her a photograph of a little girl who looks awfully familiar and she realizes what's going on and gets excited because now she knows why she likes to slice people up. <br />
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Together they kill a whole bunch of people who wander into the warehouse for various ridiculous reasons and Christine gets crazier and crazier. She likes playing in blood and wrapping entrails around herself and torturing people by whacking them with a sledgehammer.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivF7hlVbwUdMs9fj4aNqT7ikTYzFHVm8-1hf_uP5TmwFWChPV3S8Iq40R81AEdATNDdfv1J_rCiG1Xv2MOJ0c2mkPykWk6wwrOeFCfY26OGGvV0ykaUWCoXSfJCx0uXfeoftfy03zoEs0z/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23345.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivF7hlVbwUdMs9fj4aNqT7ikTYzFHVm8-1hf_uP5TmwFWChPV3S8Iq40R81AEdATNDdfv1J_rCiG1Xv2MOJ0c2mkPykWk6wwrOeFCfY26OGGvV0ykaUWCoXSfJCx0uXfeoftfy03zoEs0z/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23345.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>Eventually we get back to what little story there is, as Jennifer gets a call from her sister, says something in Greek again, and informs Mark that her sister has just given her the location of some recent killings. She then calls a cop friend of hers and gives <i>him</i> the address and of course he tells her not to go in there until he arrives and of course she goes in there before he arrives.<br />
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Meanwhile, it's apparently Christine's graduation from cuckoo clown college and Gurdy presents her with her diploma--a shiny new straight razor. I always thought watches were the traditional graduation gift or, at least where I grew up, a carton of Marlboros and a 12-pack of Genny Cream Ale. And no, I didn't make that up. Believe me, I wish I had.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnWUlKemSfv2iCKcSOBjyz0ENWPmsJmjmt0YP8HH0sbjETmHAAxbh7YkqqINy-73oYQOpB8jiSV0JBt0k8nooso4EuT5FVO00G2Q2-hz8FVsMriKwJK-OsNIS25_fgJE50bn-q77lSIvjf/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23360.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnWUlKemSfv2iCKcSOBjyz0ENWPmsJmjmt0YP8HH0sbjETmHAAxbh7YkqqINy-73oYQOpB8jiSV0JBt0k8nooso4EuT5FVO00G2Q2-hz8FVsMriKwJK-OsNIS25_fgJE50bn-q77lSIvjf/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23360.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>Now Mark and Jennifer are wandering around the warehouse. They run into Gurdy, who chases after them in a very casual way because he's secure in the knowledge that they aren't going to get very far. Outside the warehouse, the cops show up. There are two of them. Dunkin is white, kind of shady (earlier in the movie he accepted a bribe from Mark to let him and Jennifer into the halfway house to take pictures), and apparently named after the donut shop because his name is not spelled in the usual way and I suppose that's slightly amusing ha-ha because, oh, you know why. The other cop, Spaulding, is black and very cool and apparently named after nothing, except possibly it's an homage to Captain Spaulding, the creepy clown killer from Rob Zombie's <i>House of 1,000 Corpses</i> and <i>The Devil's Rejects.</i> Inside jokes are the <i>best!</i><br />
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Back inside, Mark tries to shoot Gurdy and it doesn't go well. Then Christine fools the cops by calling out pretending to be a hostage. Jennifer runs into them and explains about the clown, which they think is super crazy and of course they then split up because that's what you do when a cleaver-toting clown and his looney tunes daughter are after you.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibPBes55IrAsA2TZ4gOUiD0VszFzLXMdkNYd_B2lq1TL6IfXZn-chKEYMPMIDpfanLqL-WoBC9s0aRLapkxls77kvQvNthOTGGG3NIYnpmq6IxAVtDxgdTFISWz0BzIa-QahwUtV0xuL-e/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23319.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibPBes55IrAsA2TZ4gOUiD0VszFzLXMdkNYd_B2lq1TL6IfXZn-chKEYMPMIDpfanLqL-WoBC9s0aRLapkxls77kvQvNthOTGGG3NIYnpmq6IxAVtDxgdTFISWz0BzIa-QahwUtV0xuL-e/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23319.jpg" width="264" /></a>Now we're near the end, so you know a lot of the main characters have to die. Dunkin is first, done in by Christine and her razor when he tries to "rescue" her. Spaulding gets Jennifer out of the warehouse, calls for backup, and goes back inside.<br />
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Oh, this is the best part. Well, the second-best part. Mark finds Christine, who has tied herself up and is pretending to be a helpless victim again. She of course tries to kill him, but he's like "Oh, no you don't" and slaps her around. Papa Clownface comes in and takes umbrage at the treatment of his spawn, and he and Mark get into it. Christine then throws something in Mark's face that blinds him but he blinds her right back by setting his camera flash off in her face. Then he gives her a good thrashing, which is very satisfying because by this point all she does is giggle hysterically and slash people and neither of those things is attractive.<br />
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Mark gets away, and this is when Christine's true colors come out. She calls her father a pussy for letting Mark escape. Gurdy pulls out a gun and points it at her, which if you ask me is the first time he's exhibited any parenting skills. Christine, who now is a superbitch, tells daddy-o that he should use the gun on himself because he's no killer clown after all despite a whole lot of evidence to the contrary. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPfocE00iH3BEdyaoNcGdYj5ATDgwQbGKqh9rUmfjSkIHti89y20tcbM1w3No3T25nSSDfHKEoMeuyxV8P3riuEyYCxL7OJ_BNEw2jwonMT3mSsPN4YVZOv6TqUVh0iR5jI_K4BkHS76rx/s1600-h/100tearspic1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPfocE00iH3BEdyaoNcGdYj5ATDgwQbGKqh9rUmfjSkIHti89y20tcbM1w3No3T25nSSDfHKEoMeuyxV8P3riuEyYCxL7OJ_BNEw2jwonMT3mSsPN4YVZOv6TqUVh0iR5jI_K4BkHS76rx/s320/100tearspic1.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>Jennifer, who is still sitting in the police cruiser outside, hears a gunshot. But who's dead? She decides to run inside and find out, as she can't wait to read about it in the paper the next day. She hears a girl crying for help and runs into a room to find Christine pulling the damsel in distress routine yet again because it worked so well the other two times. Also, Gurdy's body is lying on the floor so now we know who got shot, which is kind of sad because despite his one tiny flaw of being an insane murderer he was really kind of great.<br />
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But don't be too sad, because soon it's revealed that the body isn't really Gurdy. It's Mark! This is terrible news, especially for Jennifer. Well, and Mark. For us, though, it's both a relief and an opportunity to pause and wonder how Gurdy and Christine had time to get Mark into clown makeup and a costume. Also, how many costumes does Gurdy have, and who made them seeing as how it's been 20 years since he worked as a clown and I don't see a sewing machine anywhere in the warehouse? Maybe he ordered them online.<br />
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Now that Jennifer knows the body is really Mark it occurs to her that she should probably run. Christine goes after her while Gurdy goes after Spaulding. I was hoping for a good fight scene between these two, but it all goes rather quickly and ends with Spaulding's beheading and is therefore a bit of a disappointment.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNmPFlZaI1pBTg67J2aLPtQS2QLZgvh14mJY2KUQSKfkJHBTlbZMaIkv0i-zbIEMjN5z0erdEN8SHuM7NwJSG663yihXSiERBo1sFxD_xnIx2xvqsmjPKlYPHzclMUmWox_PuCN9ks-wSh/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23336.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNmPFlZaI1pBTg67J2aLPtQS2QLZgvh14mJY2KUQSKfkJHBTlbZMaIkv0i-zbIEMjN5z0erdEN8SHuM7NwJSG663yihXSiERBo1sFxD_xnIx2xvqsmjPKlYPHzclMUmWox_PuCN9ks-wSh/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23336.jpg" /></a>Much more interesting is the battle between Jennifer and Christine. And by "interesting" I mean ridiculous. Christine hits Jennifer in the back several times with the sledgehammer, which I think would do a lot more than just knock Jennifer to the floor but that's what it does. More convincing is when Christine bangs Jennifer's face against the floor a billion times and turns it into a bloody pulp. She leaves her there and returns triumphant to her proud papa.<br />
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And then she shoots him. This is very Uranus is killed by Cronus who in turn is killed by Zeus of her, or perhaps more appropriately very Marcus Aurelius is killed by Commodus of her. Or maybe it's an Electra Complex with a dash of Lizzie Borden tossed in. At any rate, it's the whole "child having to slay the father" nonsense that Freud and Jung squabbled about endlessly when they weren't worried about whether or not girls are angry about not having penises. Which, by the by, I don't think most of them are.<br />
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The movie ends with Christine covered in blood and walking down a highway, apparently on her way to the next scene of carnage. At least until she's struck from behind by a car driven by Jennifer and is splattered all over the windshield. This part is enormously gratifying and a perfectly lovely way to end the film.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoVP0w3VdRgsjwSrfZTVsrGoIo5KlX7qUw5-w0WxKePnyq9lQesuB-xRsCL3bBxYwoyfbeCSyJMEnJ-8O9Yh4ALotrd1YpvEotH7y5y7b_449vRIyrNqh__QUBwGhFcAcAoppiZW78jhl_/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23339.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoVP0w3VdRgsjwSrfZTVsrGoIo5KlX7qUw5-w0WxKePnyq9lQesuB-xRsCL3bBxYwoyfbeCSyJMEnJ-8O9Yh4ALotrd1YpvEotH7y5y7b_449vRIyrNqh__QUBwGhFcAcAoppiZW78jhl_/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23339.jpg" width="274" /></a></div>As I said, <i>100 Tears</i> is something of a disappointment because it seems pieced together in a hurry. There's so much that could have gone right with it that seeing most of it go wrong is sad. Gurdy deserved better. Still, the excellent bits are really excellent and in the end Gurdy overcomes his shabby surroundings to make the Creepy Clown Hall of Fame.<br />
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One thing that really goes right is the soundtrack. There are some real gems in there, particularly "When You're Evil" by <a href="http://www.voltaire.net/">Voltaire</a> and "Somebody's Knocking" by <a href="http://www.voodooorganist.com/">The Voodoo Organist.</a> I liked them so much I bought them on iTunes, and I think after hearing them you might just do the same thing. Here they are for your listening enjoyment.<br />
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"When You're Evil"<br />
Voltaire <br />
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"Somebody's Knocking"<br />
The Voodoo Organist <br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=8,0,0,0" width="470" height="36" id="divplaylist"><param name="movie" value="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10579018-c69&new_design=true" /><embed src="http://www.divshare.com/flash/playlist?myId=10579018-c69&new_design=true" width="470" height="36" name="divplaylist" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGSfihjp7U0wEY4pNcUFc9aviNjR7zFfJ1YifKHDlAW0QOYXzXS4CTroXJkJ2c0Ab2YsSYLoT7DBwqG77cJlitAO9Q-d9Aaj7uei4j-8QHN7vMU6RNerHJQkiaku32VZkGROc-cfu5dpk/s1600-h/britney+and+jamie+spears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfGSfihjp7U0wEY4pNcUFc9aviNjR7zFfJ1YifKHDlAW0QOYXzXS4CTroXJkJ2c0Ab2YsSYLoT7DBwqG77cJlitAO9Q-d9Aaj7uei4j-8QHN7vMU6RNerHJQkiaku32VZkGROc-cfu5dpk/s320/britney+and+jamie+spears.jpg" /></a></div>Before we close, let's take a look at another famous daughter who has a clown for a father. Miss Britney Spears' most recent album is titled <i>Circus.</i> And some who are not as kind as I may have implied that she herself is something of a clown for America's amusement. Now take a look at this photo of her father, Jamie Spears, dressed for Halloween. By the way, he's peering through the patio doors trying to scare his grandkids.<br />
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Makes you think.<br />
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Favorite Line: A tie between "You crazy clown bastard, I just mopped these floors!" and "I swear to God, if you do that again I'll shit on your pillow."<br />
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Rating (out of 5):<br />
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<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=35clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="3.5 Clowns" border="0" height="90" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/35clowns.png" width="335" /></a>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-81976708291780851412010-01-25T12:05:00.001-08:002010-02-24T10:50:03.415-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #10: KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978) and Terror on Tour (1980)In the fall of 1978 KISS was big stuff. I know because I was about to turn 10 and I loved them more than anything in the world with the possible exception of <i>Charlie's Angels.</i> In the previous four years the group had released 6 studio albums (<i>Kiss, Hotter Than Hell, Dressed to Kill, Destroyer, Rock and Roll Over, </i>and <i>Love Gun),</i> 2 iconic live albums, and a greatest hits collection. None of which my mother would allow me to own. But my friend Stephanie did have them and we listened to them endlessly in her bedroom, often while drawing the KISS makeup on each other with Halloween greasepaint and--on one memorable occasion--Magic Marker.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoyZ3PMfeFgnBc5Sc6z-2q6Rf4J9wMzqjQwMfBT28-1sJ5rwXyrsNftLCdTtuIdyD-P-Q2ijI4L2STg62qeQGpifDEUYVAdD1fK4zdiNwRQXTCaKs1Pozz_aKPYlQb7B0NRdh7naF8t7Pe/s1600-h/kissmag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoyZ3PMfeFgnBc5Sc6z-2q6Rf4J9wMzqjQwMfBT28-1sJ5rwXyrsNftLCdTtuIdyD-P-Q2ijI4L2STg62qeQGpifDEUYVAdD1fK4zdiNwRQXTCaKs1Pozz_aKPYlQb7B0NRdh7naF8t7Pe/s320/kissmag.jpg" /></a>Interestingly, KISS had yet to have a huge hit. Their highest-charting single was "Beth," which reached #7 despite initially being the b-side to the "Detroit Rock City" single and sounding nothing at all like the group (in fact apart from Peter Criss's vocals none of the band members play on the song). Despite this they were one of the most popular and successful bands in the world, and their name and the likenesses of the band members appeared on everything from lunch boxes to trading cards to dolls, again none of which I was allowed to have.<br />
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To take advantage of this popularity the group's management and record label devised a plan to launch KISS into super orbit with a one-two punch to the stomach of American popular culture. The first step was the simultaneous release (on September 18, 1978) of four solo albums designed to highlight the personalities of the members of KISS. Then, a month later, came the airing of what has since become known as one of the greatest disasters in rock and roll history. Even worse than the ill-advised <i>From Justin to Kelly</i> movie that was supposed to make stars out of the winner and runner-up of the first season of <i>American Idol.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-MUaMgAmtVg3EneRqcz8lDG06bYEut-qUI_lT75jKJNyZQavASQQgCPpZLDqZn4YrP5IgncQ0rizliEKx9_Nb_emuj9E04Q17yujWEtpkpql61c1lM_PWdS1uK__5phJBsOODJHALEFzP/s1600-h/kiss+phantom+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-MUaMgAmtVg3EneRqcz8lDG06bYEut-qUI_lT75jKJNyZQavASQQgCPpZLDqZn4YrP5IgncQ0rizliEKx9_Nb_emuj9E04Q17yujWEtpkpql61c1lM_PWdS1uK__5phJBsOODJHALEFzP/s320/kiss+phantom+1.jpg" /></a>We're talking, of course, about the craptastic <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.</i> This deliciously horrible vehicle aired on Saturday night, October 28, on NBC and was the one of the network's highest rated programs of the year. Yet it has been the fly in the ointment of success for the band ever since.<br />
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Gene Simmons has said that the movie was initially pitched to them as "<i>A Hard Day's Night</i> meets <i>Star Wars,</i>" which I suppose sounded like a good idea at the time. The fact that it was being produced by Joseph Barbera of the Hanna-Barbera company might have given them pause given that the company was best known for its animated shows including <i>Scooby Doo, Josie and the Pussycats, Hong Kong Phoey, Jabberjaw</i> and about a million other campy classics well known to those of us who spent our Saturday mornings glued to the television. And they might possibly have been concerned that the film's writers, Jan Michael Sherman and Don Buday, had only one previous writing credit, a sexploitation film titled <i>Too Hot to Handle</i> about a hitwoman whose "deadliest weapon is her body."<br />
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But that didn't stop them from saying okay. Neither did the fact that none of them had any acting experience whatsoever. And some of us will be forever grateful that they did say yes. Because <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i> is pure joy from start to finish.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOlo7gc2faM5myIQlEUMVVocuCmagmdyCnQaX4C1FihC_M5TWvxLSHEhlZ1XhAA8keitkkvDCSYuX7Pd2BOawoBL3vQS7x-rMrLZ4xTiIdiS97_WSI0FBcjloCvRNN2ukB0sxHtfosLIdK/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23106.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOlo7gc2faM5myIQlEUMVVocuCmagmdyCnQaX4C1FihC_M5TWvxLSHEhlZ1XhAA8keitkkvDCSYuX7Pd2BOawoBL3vQS7x-rMrLZ4xTiIdiS97_WSI0FBcjloCvRNN2ukB0sxHtfosLIdK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23106.jpg" width="275" /></a>The plot, such as it is, is simple. Abner Devereaux is a scientific genius who works for the Magic Mountain theme park. He is particularly interested in robotics, and has created some very lifelike ones that he plans to use in educational attractions such as Spaceland and a recreation of the American War of Independence. In the meantime he is supposed to be overseeing the safety of the park's more conventional rides. Only he doesn't because roller coasters are stupid.<br />
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Fun Fact: Abner Devereaux is played by character actor Anthony Zerbe, who had parts in virtually every 70's series including <i>The Wild Wild West, Bonanza, Mission: Impossible, Gunsmoke</i> and <i>Mannix.</i><br />
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Abner's boss, Calvin Richards, is concerned that Abner is spending too much time and money on his pet projects. Also, he's worried that the park is losing money, although I don't know why because it looks packed. But he is. So he kind of suggests that Abner cool it with his "research" and do his job.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTfzqeqX4f6qrsdFx46LMuqPAWI6jQJB6kn4NOi7MFqlncFUmt_4zbgTcu8kic7tCzy2PzGpZpdvR4jtOm9BqOXnSuzeZ2LuZRCnrKyX00pyilkTyp8KCrchHhq66YSVCsgsGtE1_qaf7Z/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23128.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTfzqeqX4f6qrsdFx46LMuqPAWI6jQJB6kn4NOi7MFqlncFUmt_4zbgTcu8kic7tCzy2PzGpZpdvR4jtOm9BqOXnSuzeZ2LuZRCnrKyX00pyilkTyp8KCrchHhq66YSVCsgsGtE1_qaf7Z/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23128.jpg" width="278" /></a>Fun Fact: Calvin is played by Carmine Caridi, who played Phyllis's boss Dan Valenti on <i>Phyllis</i> and had small parts on <i>Rhoda</i> and <i>Alice</i>. He is perhaps best known for playing Angelo Martelli, the cab driver father of keyboard prodigy Bruno Martelli on the TV series <i>Fame.</i> Unfortunately, in 2004 Caridi became the first member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to be expelled for providing copies of Oscar screener DVD's to a pirater.<br />
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I imagine that you're wondering what KISS has to do with any of this. So were a lot of other people, since half an hour into the 2-hour movie the band had yet to make an appearance. They <i>had</i> been mentioned, though, as they were going to appear in a series of shows at Magic Mountain and most of the parkgoers are running around in KISS makeup.<br />
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Two of the people running around the park are the lovely Melissa and her fiance Sam, although they aren't wearing KISS makeup. Sam works for Abner Devereaux doing something that's never really explained and doesn't matter as that's the least of the film's issues. I don't know what Melissa does, but she has pretty hair.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEOJilagRO-IYXixejBlruNsO55YtrJ_biMDv3B7DJMOQISqIbvJvGqZfyDVcZwgNnZwpe6BTCImSPx8h3DmPwDKa0AHM7DBGe79pLs2busalrTS35TjUSK57oETj7T55r3tlBzbX4CKYj/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23125.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEOJilagRO-IYXixejBlruNsO55YtrJ_biMDv3B7DJMOQISqIbvJvGqZfyDVcZwgNnZwpe6BTCImSPx8h3DmPwDKa0AHM7DBGe79pLs2busalrTS35TjUSK57oETj7T55r3tlBzbX4CKYj/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23125.jpg" /></a>So Sam and Melissa are running around enjoying themselves and Calvin is fretting and Abner is stewing. Then along come three troublemaking punks called Chopper, Slime, and Dirty Dee. They do things like cut in line and make fun of an animatronic gorilla, which annoys Abner and puts him in an even worse mood. So he gives them passes to the Chamber of Thrills, where Chopper pops a little girl's balloon with his cigarette and the trio makes fun of the animatronic monsters. But then the joke is on them as one by one they fall into Abner's traps and slide down a chute into the lab. The scene where Dirty Dee is trapped inside an Iron Maiden is particularly delightful, and I'm sorry that no still images do it justice or I would have put them here.<br />
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Okay, so Sam tells Melissa that he has to go to the lab to help Devereaux and that she should sit around and wait for him. She decides to have a Coke and a couple of guys flirt with her but she loves Sam so she acts all offended. Meanwhile Sam is at the lab, where he finds a door open, steps into a room he's apparently never seen despite working there for months, and screams as the door slides shut. At this point we start to think that maybe something ungood has happened to him.<br />
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Having finished her Coke, Melissa is wandering around looking for Sam and not finding him. Someone tells her to check the lab, so she does. Abner brushes her off, though, and she goes away looking sad.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj98gnEuHe8h6qlOjQISJRvUw6MYwmGzPXdjTboDGVQ62h2_PFWZvfbgx7D6sIQEZq5h0nfBQJLihJAx4sB8D3uKViEOspl26cK3Rir0SOVDvTKAoADjXODl4zsG6BGsDu2rSKTKWIYstVn/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23123.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj98gnEuHe8h6qlOjQISJRvUw6MYwmGzPXdjTboDGVQ62h2_PFWZvfbgx7D6sIQEZq5h0nfBQJLihJAx4sB8D3uKViEOspl26cK3Rir0SOVDvTKAoADjXODl4zsG6BGsDu2rSKTKWIYstVn/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23123.jpg" /></a>Now everyone is setting up for the big KISS show. Calvin decides this is a great time to fire Abner, who gets a little pissed and storms off. He goes back to the lab and watches the work continue on his computer screen, muttering, "I will destroy you. I will destroy you all!" Which sounds like a threat if you ask me.<br />
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And now KISS finally shows up. Actually, they descend from the skies. Oh, and Paul shoots laser beams from his eyes and Gene breathes fire and it's all very odd. But cool. And then they sing "Shout It Out Loud," which isn't the best KISS song but it's okay and we're just glad they're there so we sing along.<br />
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While KISS sings Devereaux is back in the lab turning Chopper, Slime, and Dirty Dee into Revolutionary War figures. Sam is helping him, and it's pretty clear Sam is a robot as well. It's never explained how this happens, but then we only have two hours and there's not a lot of time for complicated sciencey stuff. Besides, Abner sends Sam out to take pictures of KISS because he wants to make robot versions of them, and that's way more interesting.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEKX-gETSvd4VByZ5sYqE7SEqGStzF2C8Lvl4HZ3tVU9ObhyphenhyphensTkVPxvdPbFutjDsrvSU30Onz4tWzTVF2cF5KxFv1xSmj__-jLNvXMkPW3xhXN9bEIhMsr7X4K58kKqct6FTfZhVz0EPfc/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23108.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEKX-gETSvd4VByZ5sYqE7SEqGStzF2C8Lvl4HZ3tVU9ObhyphenhyphensTkVPxvdPbFutjDsrvSU30Onz4tWzTVF2cF5KxFv1xSmj__-jLNvXMkPW3xhXN9bEIhMsr7X4K58kKqct6FTfZhVz0EPfc/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23108.jpg" /></a>When Sam appears at the concert venue Melissa waves her hands and calls to him but the guards are all, "You don't have a backstage pass so go away." That is until Gene Simmons yells, "Starchild!" in this weird echoey demon voice and Paul shoots beams from his eyes that make Melissa walk toward them and Gene explains that they can read her mind and so on.<br />
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Now things happen very quickly, so try to keep up.<br />
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Devereaux uses the pictures Sam took to make a Gene robot. The robot then attacks some security guards and there's a lot of fire and knocking down of walls made of Styrofoam bricks and Gene clomping all over the place in his trademark dragon boots and leather pants with holes cut out of them.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtkCQoRpUYJmTNLNsYKVENOc5VBIZaFsu-hGJoGcp-hwbifK6vsJ87v4mWLBM496QNSC8fDqxBGyNV6ElwDCAWA6m2b-p1oB3Ddejj3sz0uP-cpEV5ap_E4_mIlsUKLwjDtsNiogxWOqbw/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23138.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtkCQoRpUYJmTNLNsYKVENOc5VBIZaFsu-hGJoGcp-hwbifK6vsJ87v4mWLBM496QNSC8fDqxBGyNV6ElwDCAWA6m2b-p1oB3Ddejj3sz0uP-cpEV5ap_E4_mIlsUKLwjDtsNiogxWOqbw/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23138.jpg" /></a>The next day the head of security, Sneed, who hates rockers and says they don't bathe, tracks down KISS and finds Paul, Peter, and Ace sitting around the pool on these super-tall chairs and wearing hooded robes made out of glittery fabric. Sneed tells them that Gene attacked the guards and Peter and Ace make some silly jokes that don't make any sense. Then Gene shows up and growls a lot.<br />
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Melissa, meanwhile, has gone back to the lab to see what she can find out about Sam. This time Abner is a little nicer to her and gives her this pin that he says will allow her access to any part of the park so that she can look for Sam. She thinks this is really nice of him and doesn't push the issue. <br />
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Eventually she runs into KISS again and asks them for help finding Sam. They take her into the pool house where they're staying and show her a box containing glowing talismans that they say give them superpowers. I know, this is a surprise to almost everyone, except Melissa says she's heard about the talismans but didn't think they were real. I didn't get that issue of <i>Tiger Beat</i> so this was news to me too and I was hoping they would explain <i>where</i> they got the talismans and <i>from whom. </i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXqK4c_PCYBI4QaVtDHfpwaPzj4CkxbB8jCZPkgckyToW1IraICVibfOOKeNG4E8ZVMpxxGKrpnfthMP486R-hRW2pi62N3La6he5IHZ58N4aI7reXErtKJgHAJoFpr60BdiFDjZNRsW96/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23139.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXqK4c_PCYBI4QaVtDHfpwaPzj4CkxbB8jCZPkgckyToW1IraICVibfOOKeNG4E8ZVMpxxGKrpnfthMP486R-hRW2pi62N3La6he5IHZ58N4aI7reXErtKJgHAJoFpr60BdiFDjZNRsW96/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23139.jpg" /></a>They don't, though. Paul does, however, get all <i>Up With People!</i> and tells Melissa (who says she wishes that she had powers) that we all do have special powers and just don't know it. Which you know made a whole lot of people who watched <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i> try to shoot laser beams out of their eyes for weeks and end up really disappointed.<br />
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Hey, I was 10. And Paul <i>said</i> we all have special powers.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD-OobAMhweG78AYMN1dPAGv5SvIS03oPvgAuLbXicqJJJQJNofWmCfQ53lhXKCr5DD3Ev3KlNuLHE0XdI8mfVVRtCsugG1at9G2xyJwmUd2n2h0zUSnQwbyV89dfFY6SxhIRoF_BdGeYF/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23132.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD-OobAMhweG78AYMN1dPAGv5SvIS03oPvgAuLbXicqJJJQJNofWmCfQ53lhXKCr5DD3Ev3KlNuLHE0XdI8mfVVRtCsugG1at9G2xyJwmUd2n2h0zUSnQwbyV89dfFY6SxhIRoF_BdGeYF/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23132.jpg" width="189" /></a>Now there's another concert and KISS plays "Stole Your Love" and back in the lab Abner tells Sam to go steal the talismans, which he knows about because the special pin he gave Melissa is really a bug and he's heard everything. So Sam goes and tries to take the talismans but he can't because they're protected by a mystical force field and he has to go away empty handed.<br />
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Their concert over, KISS comes back to the house with Melissa and they all sit around a fountain while Peter sings "Beth," only Melissa gets bored and wanders off and encounters Sam coming out of the house and she realizes he's some kind of robot and screams.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnb8MWhBix7aWui-r_bi-8n2m1vuqdKKs363pg-l8pJSYLnFHns9VAnTCnRzBsyNVvRg3-ERpqUbdj4Wm262sMy4KZoAyRyoXXeeIACRxRrzzgXWj4a1JNvyR_pBR09m57-vgKRBh7lCns/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnb8MWhBix7aWui-r_bi-8n2m1vuqdKKs363pg-l8pJSYLnFHns9VAnTCnRzBsyNVvRg3-ERpqUbdj4Wm262sMy4KZoAyRyoXXeeIACRxRrzzgXWj4a1JNvyR_pBR09m57-vgKRBh7lCns/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23111.jpg" /></a>That's when KISS comes running and see that someone has monkeyed with their talismans. This bothers them so they go in search of Devereaux to say, "Dude, what's your problem?" Only Abner is one step ahead of them and sends some albino werewolf robots to stop them. When they don't prove to be a match for KISS and their magic powers he sends robotic martial artists to give it a try and they almost accomplish the deed but Ace manages to teleport everyone away with a hitchhiking thumb gesture and so now we know what his power is. Peter Criss, by the way, gets totally shafted as his Catman character doesn't get any powers except being super agile, which might have something to do with what happened in real life after the movie was made. But we'll get to that later.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg27kZfT5CB5STw_Ny0AhncJ-xFeIZ8ptZfGKcrTIipJlId9qWxDFsdvTaGKk-k5DWd_GzV8WKbPsDJ4X6-27_Dm3098kXMNRxGLat6vQgGcFJR6gq_pEbc_zlE_ijeKARA4nY4Q9ZmM8IB/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg27kZfT5CB5STw_Ny0AhncJ-xFeIZ8ptZfGKcrTIipJlId9qWxDFsdvTaGKk-k5DWd_GzV8WKbPsDJ4X6-27_Dm3098kXMNRxGLat6vQgGcFJR6gq_pEbc_zlE_ijeKARA4nY4Q9ZmM8IB/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23140.jpg" width="255" /></a>Somewhere during all of this Devereaux has made a ray gun to zap the power out of the talismans and he sends Sam back to get them. KISS, unsure where to go, sit on a carousel. Then they go to the Chamber of Thrills and like Chopper and Slime and Dirty Dee before them are attacked by the mechanical monsters (which are totally played by real people) and get sucked up into some tubes and captured by Abner.<br />
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Now it's the next night. KISS hasn't shown up for their concert, which is making Calvin anxious and makes Melissa all hysterical because no one will tell her what's going on. The crowd isn't very happy about it either and they're getting rowdy. But then KISS shows up and everyone is excited.<br />
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Only it isn't KISS! It's the robot KISS! But the audience doesn't know that and they go wild as KISS launches into "Hotter Than Hell."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8VUVkfuo4maKPjR5L1W2FkVjFVxjUJwDKAwMi_RsUfLAWjJDxpSrITEDBfjSgV_l8RMfJch9215wgC6dhrRC6WvopgzuAFKIcnPHsSRflNZs_Fto_b5tjXSKnl1kew4C34Cyx-TISSmuo/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23115.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8VUVkfuo4maKPjR5L1W2FkVjFVxjUJwDKAwMi_RsUfLAWjJDxpSrITEDBfjSgV_l8RMfJch9215wgC6dhrRC6WvopgzuAFKIcnPHsSRflNZs_Fto_b5tjXSKnl1kew4C34Cyx-TISSmuo/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23115.jpg" /></a>But it soon becomes clear that something is wrong. Instead of singing the expected lyrics, robot KISS sings something different:<br />
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"It's time for everyone to listen good.<br />
We've taken all we can stand.<br />
You've got the power to rip down these walls.<br />
It's in the palm of your hand."<br />
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I know, not nearly as fun as the real lyrics. And the chorus is even worse:<br />
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"Rip! Rip! Rip and destroy! You know the hour's getting late.<br />
Rip! Rip! Rip and destroy! Break it down and seal your fate."<br />
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Okay. Well. The fans don't much like this change and they get angry. But that's all part of Devereaux's plan. See, he wants to work them into a frenzy so that they tear Magic Mountain apart. Apparently with their bare hands. I'd like to see how they manage disassembling the rides without wrenches and whatnot, but I'll let that go. <br />
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Something <i>does</i> bother me at this point, though. What with all the religious folks (a.k.a. my mother) hating KISS and insisting that the name really stood for Kings In Satan's Service and that their lyrics were going to corrupt young people and make them drink beer and sass back, you'd think the one thing they might not want to suggest is that lyrics <i>can</i> pervert innocent minds. But by that point they were probably just hoping to get the whole thing over with and decided to worry about it later.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilgYYLDNGbvmgjPH_S5aXjhxt-sh2DO8cJ7S338Jffcohdjn1QpJUS6lljvOTYD60kVx5DhEziJXS4CyAXVJMcrLXedF8JdcubEYcfPLv0AjhlZibATGaoxyetY_0zd_tybjirOf14MLiY/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23143.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilgYYLDNGbvmgjPH_S5aXjhxt-sh2DO8cJ7S338Jffcohdjn1QpJUS6lljvOTYD60kVx5DhEziJXS4CyAXVJMcrLXedF8JdcubEYcfPLv0AjhlZibATGaoxyetY_0zd_tybjirOf14MLiY/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23143.jpg" /></a>Back in Devereaux's lab the real KISS are indeed worrying. They need to get their talismans back. But how? Oh, right, Paul remembers that if they all think really hard the talismans will levitate and come to them. So that takes care of that.<br />
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Now Ace does the thumb thing again and they teleport to the concert, where they get into a fight with their robot selves and we try to ignore the fact that Ace's double is clearly African-American and doesn't look like him at all. When the robots are destroyed KISS sings "Rock and Roll All Nite" and everyone calms down and doesn't want to rip and destroy anymore.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPF_l6p7e_SY5ngh_viMD6ga3v3j5hbc75qHd2EXtx_uzyc3BjucxioiYxbpaKkSAUPkq50S08YSfilG5LmAXEUzDnJuM8jEynYABbhqk6mppXKvRXlWr6VQkFVawlvsG0ScDeOeZS8qZO/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23118.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPF_l6p7e_SY5ngh_viMD6ga3v3j5hbc75qHd2EXtx_uzyc3BjucxioiYxbpaKkSAUPkq50S08YSfilG5LmAXEUzDnJuM8jEynYABbhqk6mppXKvRXlWr6VQkFVawlvsG0ScDeOeZS8qZO/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23118.jpg" /></a>When it's all over the gang reconvenes in Devereaux's lab. Only he's dead and looks like a dried-up mummy or possibly Martin Landau. They never explain how he died (and if you are kind you will ignore the fact that you can see Zerbe blink while they're all staring at his dead self) but no one cares because all that matters is that he can't be evil anymore. Oh, and Paul finds this little circuit implanted in Sam's neck and uses his laser eyes to remove it and Sam is okay again.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMLxGYh28PZzmLRHcAWbyaIMbxzsxZ7U18xnuNIq8Wm2eJtNlREBPjZni0wPJI4lTxXsQtgEqps9oF_FrlDE02Cc4zh_YzP-ZjJtvHt3fXjzQBMZxDLF3OpYyeaXiiXxKVMkB-4IXa0qBf/s1600-h/kiss+phantoms+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMLxGYh28PZzmLRHcAWbyaIMbxzsxZ7U18xnuNIq8Wm2eJtNlREBPjZni0wPJI4lTxXsQtgEqps9oF_FrlDE02Cc4zh_YzP-ZjJtvHt3fXjzQBMZxDLF3OpYyeaXiiXxKVMkB-4IXa0qBf/s320/kiss+phantoms+2.jpg" /></a><i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i> aired only one time. However, a reworked version called <i>Attack of the Phantoms</i> was released outside of the U.S. and did pretty well even though there are no phantoms in it. The differences between the two versions aren't huge, but KISS fans love to talk about them. If you want a thorough scene-by-scene comparison you can find one at the <a href="http://home.netcom.com/%7Ezmoq/pages/KissPhantom.htm">website of K.F. Louie.</a><br />
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The biggest difference (apart from a revised ending in which Devereaux is alive) is that <i>Attack of the Phantoms</i> gets rid of the generic music used in <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i> and replaces it with songs from the group's four solo albums, which if you ask me was a great idea and should have been done in the first place. Also, Ace has fewer lines. Why? Well, when they were writing the script the screenwriters spent time with the group members to get a sense of their characters. Only Ace didn't want to do it, so all he said when they were around was, "Ack!" As a result, in the original script all his character says is, "Ack!" Ace didn't think this was funny and threatened to walk, so they gave him a couple of lines. But in <i>Attack of the Phantoms</i> it's back to "Ack!"<br />
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Speaking of lines, Peter Criss's dialogue in the film was overdubbed by Michael Bell, who also gave voice to numerous cartoon characters including Zan of the Wonder Twins, several of the Smurfs, and numerous G.I. Joe characters. As an actor he played Kate Jackson's ex-husband Bill Duncan in an episode of <i>Charlie's Angels.</i> <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixMxKwZzT5cIb39KsJH4jJEaIR_H3HN9SJSrNCns9QKWodB2AN8XHKUjAaGNIImg6KwDds57AFv5usDlxFm_9IFS8YUHH2XR9tca_N_7sfD9GVBxSJ0aFIG2VdPw4i4W7H2P-BCSpkakNb/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23107.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixMxKwZzT5cIb39KsJH4jJEaIR_H3HN9SJSrNCns9QKWodB2AN8XHKUjAaGNIImg6KwDds57AFv5usDlxFm_9IFS8YUHH2XR9tca_N_7sfD9GVBxSJ0aFIG2VdPw4i4W7H2P-BCSpkakNb/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23107.jpg" /></a>It may come as a surprise to hear that the members of KISS were not entirely thrilled with the movie. In fact it's rumored that for years anyone who worked with them was ordered never to mention the film in their presence. Apparently they thought it made them look silly. I can't imagine why.<br />
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You may also be surprised to hear that the writers of the film weren't exactly in demand following their masterpiece. But one star did emerge from the wreckage of <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.</i> Terry Lester, who played Sam, went on to fame in soaps, including stints in <i>The Young and the Restless</i> playing Jack Abbott, <i>Santa Barbara</i> playing Mason Capwell, and <i>As the World Turns</i> playing Royce Keller. He was nominated for Daytime Emmy Awards in 1984, 1985, 1986, and 1987 but never won. He died of a heart attack on November 28, 2003, a month after the 25th anniversary of the airing of <i>Phantom.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg5rfUMkuqkog59E__mA6ypgjnEUCJKbSyFEQEPJdzsMTAuLNuIYK6sNd2aTrcuP94C97VZaCn-K7hna5Ny6M3pUbV6KXAmmO83DP8vXKVQXAgxrJU6FbebwEtQEc_FVpPDB4phums8U6U/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23145.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg5rfUMkuqkog59E__mA6ypgjnEUCJKbSyFEQEPJdzsMTAuLNuIYK6sNd2aTrcuP94C97VZaCn-K7hna5Ny6M3pUbV6KXAmmO83DP8vXKVQXAgxrJU6FbebwEtQEc_FVpPDB4phums8U6U/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23145.jpg" width="212" /></a>What? Oh, Melissa. Right. She was played by Deborah Ryan. Prior to her work in <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i> Ryan was best known for playing bubbly sorority girl Bobbie in the delicious made-for-TV witchcraft movie <i>The Initiation of Sarah</i> alongside Shelley Winters, Morgan Fairchild, and Morgan Brittany. Another of Deborah Ryan's co-stars in <i>Sarah</i> was Kay Lenz, who was married at the time to David Cassidy. Later Ryan would co-star with Cassidy in his short-lived series <i>David Cassidy--Man Undercover.</i> She also had bit parts in shows including <i>BJ and the Bear</i> and <i>The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo</i>.<br />
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The curse of the Phantom seemed to stay with KISS. Within the year Peter Criss had officially left the band and Ace Frehley was deep into substance abuse and had one foot out the door. Although the band's next album, <i>Dynasty</i>, would be one of their bestselling and spawn the hit "I Was Made for Lovin' You," their popularity declined and subsequent albums didn't fare nearly as well. But don't feel too bad for them. Their fans, the steadfastly loyal KISS Army, continue to make them one of the most successful live acts of all time.<br />
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Finding <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Opera</i> is not particularly difficult. Although for years it was unavailable except for a VHS release and a brief appearance on DVD, KISS fans have kept it alive and copies can be found on ebay and other sites. The <i>Attack of the Phantoms</i> version finally saw the light of day when it was included on the 2007 release <i>Kissology Vol. 2 (1978-1991).</i> That version contains commentary from cast members Carmine Caridi and Deborah Ryan, although I have no idea if they have anything interesting to say because I couldn't bear to watch the movie a third time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikaI1pcrrMk__Td27j7ScJbjkwYwJxXyYgRRyMfLNUi_GKtyrvF9NEyiJ-ZoJOfmrA3GHdXEqDip-v0VcDFxu0lGH4QSLUfie-2jOnb__a0oOMFAcG6CZ2lC7l9P7vaEqkiZIyzLj4uYBp/s1600-h/terror+on+tour.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikaI1pcrrMk__Td27j7ScJbjkwYwJxXyYgRRyMfLNUi_GKtyrvF9NEyiJ-ZoJOfmrA3GHdXEqDip-v0VcDFxu0lGH4QSLUfie-2jOnb__a0oOMFAcG6CZ2lC7l9P7vaEqkiZIyzLj4uYBp/s320/terror+on+tour.jpg" /></a>Encouraged by the success of <i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park,</i> and apparently undeterred by its horribleness, in 1980 producer Sandy Cobe decided he wanted to make a horror movie centered around a band of makeup-wearing musicians called The Clowns. The similarities to KISS are undeniable, as the group uses whiteface and black mask-like makeup to create their alter egos. Oh, they also wear giant black afro wigs with white stripes that make them look like the love children of Bootsy Collins and Pepe Le Pew.<br />
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For the music used in the film Cobe turned to Chicago rock band The Names. The group, comprised of Rick Styles, Chip Greenman, Rich Pemberton, and Dave Galuzzo, had had minor success with the single "Why Can't It Be?" and its (arguably better) b-side "Baby You're A Fool."<br />
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Take a listen:<br />
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Why Can't It Be?<br />
The Names<br />
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<br />
Baby You're A Fool<br />
The Names<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiENVd0aKNWCmChM6uDzEOJkvkQzbz4-SoZrRiNwr2pudG2PP-jkdbUiKIC27SUc_pHEYBHG9VmyEsW6cDIZr6GkgvVlKd4HuHHsl0gqEroBmdrHXNsAl0v7lfokpn2_3xKfBJPp3UhzYVQ/s1600-h/the+names.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiENVd0aKNWCmChM6uDzEOJkvkQzbz4-SoZrRiNwr2pudG2PP-jkdbUiKIC27SUc_pHEYBHG9VmyEsW6cDIZr6GkgvVlKd4HuHHsl0gqEroBmdrHXNsAl0v7lfokpn2_3xKfBJPp3UhzYVQ/s320/the+names.jpg" width="209" /></a>I'm not sure why Cobe thought of The Names. Maybe because they were often compared to Cheap Trick. But when you hear the music played by The Clowns in <i>Terror on Tour</i> and compare it to the group's singles, you might wonder too.<br />
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Anyway, he called their manager and asked if he could use their songs. The group, which had broken up some time before, was happy to reunite and go into the studio to record songs for the movie. Then someone suggested that the boys in the band play the band in the movie.<br />
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And thus were four stars born.<br />
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Okay, not really. None of them appeared in anything else. But they're the stars of <i>this</i> movie, so technically they're stars. <br />
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<i>Terror on Tour </i>is not a complicated film. The Clowns are on the rise. Audiences love their stage show, in which they dismember female mannekins and pretend to kill their background dancers. There's a lot of blood and gory imagery and everyone thinks it's thrilling.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyj6SsPVK5o10cnhODR0yKPd-rZrPom9WTryux7CHVLUG7u9C6nap964kLXtMwcIIbOnZPz2fpMEjYQRUFMyuNQK5sck-Op1a-uT6_EKS_q_Wf-cD5HOn6j4jtXYSIUaAIiMUCEZIGfh3v/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23237.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyj6SsPVK5o10cnhODR0yKPd-rZrPom9WTryux7CHVLUG7u9C6nap964kLXtMwcIIbOnZPz2fpMEjYQRUFMyuNQK5sck-Op1a-uT6_EKS_q_Wf-cD5HOn6j4jtXYSIUaAIiMUCEZIGfh3v/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23237.jpg" width="249" /></a>Offstage, of course, the boys are perfectly lovely people. in fact, they're downright boring. They look like four Sear's sweater models. One of them takes a lot of drugs, but that's about it.<br />
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The Clowns are supposed to be on tour, but they all live together in a house and never go anywhere so I don't buy it. Also, they perform every show in the same theater. None of this matters, though, as the movie is shot in such poor lighting that you can't see much anyway.<br />
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The Clowns have a roadie. Two, actually. Herb is a sweet young guy who is bad with the ladies and seems insecure about his looks even though he's the best looking person in the film. Jeff is a jackhole who treats Herb badly and uses him to borrow money to support his own drug problem. Herb likes to duplicate the makeup worn by The Clowns and talk to girls who think he's in the band. It's creepy in a big way, but everyone thinks he's harmless and just laughs it off. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI0YfIOIsSat5xfIH5S9wCNHv0JipuUiU-1GfgzOdEjmoSpxR2r_8H-hNgXaBt9SUy8VQuUQI84ej3z8cADvcIIZvxyP4OD8Ps5eMLAXMvdsY4Sing7faHbtUJN8J3zsYurYIYTLqKduPr/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23177.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI0YfIOIsSat5xfIH5S9wCNHv0JipuUiU-1GfgzOdEjmoSpxR2r_8H-hNgXaBt9SUy8VQuUQI84ej3z8cADvcIIZvxyP4OD8Ps5eMLAXMvdsY4Sing7faHbtUJN8J3zsYurYIYTLqKduPr/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23177.jpg" width="242" /></a>The film consists entirely of scene after scene in which a young woman takes her clothes off and is stabbed by a person wearing the group's clown makeup. Sometimes the girls are high on cocaine. Sometimes they're drunk. Sometimes they just like getting it on with musicians. Sometimes they're all of these things. The guys have a secret room, called the Blood Room, in which they make girls act out torture fantasies before having sex with them. I don't know how they had time to build a Blood Room in the theater when supposedly they're only playing there a night or two, but there it is.<br />
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This obsession with sex isn't a surprise given the film's pedigree. It's director is Don Edmunds. An actor who had bit parts on shows including <i>Gidget, Green Acres, Petticoat Junction, </i>and <i>The Munsters,</i> Edmunds made his directorial mark with the Nazi sexploitation film <i>Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS</i> (in which concentration camp warden Ilsa conducts experiments to prove that women can withstand more pain than men can) and its follow up <i>Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks</i> (in which she oversees the female sex slaves of, well, a sheik). His handful of other films aren't much kinder to women, which suggests he wasn't all that fond of them. But we can't ask him because he died in 2009.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-BX5KEejUU39ZvLAy0jwfmGJznxX5rW1Cs8M7CVTEJYeV0RARnh2foz1fNbKvtjIg24aJP0RVEPit_CgxX9r_F_tzUZKQoIfJTBxzVnY_gUy-JZkuVvEJIIctStZzSe-JAHyEDeKx5NgT/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-BX5KEejUU39ZvLAy0jwfmGJznxX5rW1Cs8M7CVTEJYeV0RARnh2foz1fNbKvtjIg24aJP0RVEPit_CgxX9r_F_tzUZKQoIfJTBxzVnY_gUy-JZkuVvEJIIctStZzSe-JAHyEDeKx5NgT/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23216.jpg" width="247" /></a>In between sleeping with girls the band members fret about whether they're selling out. Well, some of them do. One just lies around on his waterbed doing drugs. But there's a nice scene where they reminisce about what life used to be like and sing a sweet little song they wrote before they were The Clowns, and it sounds a lot like The Names. They also have a couple of conversations with the detective who comes to investigate all of the dead girls. He thinks The Clowns' music is making some fan go crazy and commit murder.<br />
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During all of this Herb is sneaking around having awkward conversations with girls and watching through windows as the band members have sex, which makes you wonder if maybe he knows a thing or two about the murders. Oh, and the band's enthusiastic nice-guy manager, Tim, fires Jeff for being a jackhole, which gives Jeff a good reason to want to frame the group.<br />
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Some more girls die so the detective decides to bring in a girl who was recently arrested for prostitution to see if she can infiltrate the band's world and find the killer. She wanders around and makes friends with Herb the roadie, who for some reason tells her his name is Rob. But she lies about her name too, so it's okay. Anyway, he asks her out and she says okay, which is a huge boost to his self esteem. But right now, he says, he has something to do, and off he runs dressed as a clown. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0LvMsXFTLCxBYAuYChU7SL-ULreI98GWCBjWhQn_2aQk3xX-BF3L-P4lAS_KMIPuW6-Svb0Sqti9L3uSlykxWDh2MYk_KjXHY6xk900Ocv6P4GlXIR4USs98_YS6HTCfP77MR_IFxmPos/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0LvMsXFTLCxBYAuYChU7SL-ULreI98GWCBjWhQn_2aQk3xX-BF3L-P4lAS_KMIPuW6-Svb0Sqti9L3uSlykxWDh2MYk_KjXHY6xk900Ocv6P4GlXIR4USs98_YS6HTCfP77MR_IFxmPos/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23213.jpg" width="274" /></a>Now it's time for the band to go on. While they play the prostitute snoops around and comes across the body of a dead girl. Then the clown jumps out and slashes her, but she gets away. Since The Clowns are all onstage together, we know none of them is the killer, which we pretty much figured anyway.<br />
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So the prostitute runs and the clown chases her. He stops long enough to kill the detective, who is also wandering around. We're really rooting for the prostitute, who has managed to evade the clown by hiding in a room behind some shelves. And for a while you think she might live, especially when she finally emerges from hiding, finds the dead detective, and takes his gun.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVpFljEyXNQXkhoSJ2wcv0SUumNTga8uCGDw91MRbrh7rIC5ym14S8YLKP_EkUw-xUx51o8GT-d7NM2bm82-V-wyGfUhaUkfUQzBgTcpj1Vt2J_o1QpIBHe-4rM1RVXcomzeKO1xOHjey7/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23231.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVpFljEyXNQXkhoSJ2wcv0SUumNTga8uCGDw91MRbrh7rIC5ym14S8YLKP_EkUw-xUx51o8GT-d7NM2bm82-V-wyGfUhaUkfUQzBgTcpj1Vt2J_o1QpIBHe-4rM1RVXcomzeKO1xOHjey7/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23231.jpg" width="260" /></a>But no. The clown appears and kills her. So that kind of sucks. For her.<br />
<br />
But there's still Herb. Still dressed as one of The Clowns, he finds the dead girl. Looking for help, he happens upon Tim.<br />
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Remember Tim? The nice-guy manager? I forgot to mention that earlier in the movie Herb was in the band's house and found a letter written to Tim from his mother. It seems mama is a religious nut of sorts, and she warns little Timmy to beware of Satan's influence, by which she means loose women.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnGADkPA0Yjr69VMa7iKc7fQ1RLRt8_jY_nuOdP_3njgPNujuOnEBK0ExXDZEjtGHsgwbTslcbxy_uChoo8E9U4rtEHA7rhSZEkiGVzSNG7vrt7cFd2uMNrvxGXUJIvZkIOWbkjZSO34a8/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23166.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnGADkPA0Yjr69VMa7iKc7fQ1RLRt8_jY_nuOdP_3njgPNujuOnEBK0ExXDZEjtGHsgwbTslcbxy_uChoo8E9U4rtEHA7rhSZEkiGVzSNG7vrt7cFd2uMNrvxGXUJIvZkIOWbkjZSO34a8/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23166.jpg" width="255" /></a>Sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but then you wouldn't have kept reading, right? Or watching. Because we knew half an hour ago who was doing the killings, mainly because no one in the music industry is as nice as Tim supposedly is.<br />
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Sure enough, Tim tells Herb that he hates loose women because they defile themselves and can never be good mothers. "I had to kill them," he insists. "They had no moral values at all. They were whores. ALL of them."<br />
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I'm not sure who made Tim the Judge of Everyone, but if you ask me he's overstepping his bounds a bit. Still, he's the one with the knife, so who's going to argue with him? Not Herb, who turns and runs. Tim chases him right onto the stage where The Clowns are performing their number "Bad to the Girls." You'd think they would stop to help their favorite roadie, but no. But I suppose they're in shock. Anyway, Tim stabs Herb a million times.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhShiN8M6LXrF9ZXJCc39eANFqwCieFKm-CJSaOqjXTCoSKdY8CGfJE4zLuGlksJUyx8S9IVMv4T1QyQYFb0GaQHAZ12RWNA3vq9LDicvFqBrVsOTXNcb1WYa43TvRI3aGwxCeISe5iuDUR/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23147.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhShiN8M6LXrF9ZXJCc39eANFqwCieFKm-CJSaOqjXTCoSKdY8CGfJE4zLuGlksJUyx8S9IVMv4T1QyQYFb0GaQHAZ12RWNA3vq9LDicvFqBrVsOTXNcb1WYa43TvRI3aGwxCeISe5iuDUR/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23147.jpg" width="260" /></a>The end.<br />
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I know, I thought more would happen too. And maybe it did and I just missed it. I was a little sleepy what with the rain and the Chihuahuas piled on me and all. But I tried to pay attention, and I did take notes. Mostly they consist of "and then the clown stabbed the girl" and "someone puts on clown makeup." Which honestly is all that does happen. I swear.<br />
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Still, there are The Clowns and their lovely songs. And a lot of breasts. Also, some really good lines. For instance, during one of the sex scenes the girl asks The Clowns' drummer how long they have, to which he responds by looking down at his crotch and saying, "Eight-and-a-half. Make that nine." Classic, right?<br />
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Or how about this exchange between a naked girl in the theater balcony and the clown standing in front of her:<br />
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Naked Girl: "Is there anything I can do for you?"<br />
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Clown: "Yes. Die!"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioDiandhenNpc4hyphenhyphenfniKjiOmAZmzyizq7V0S6B7HDlBlNO1T1bxNLpa7r_cvMxL8wXNaKeE-IM_aKiXPp6QNKRsKxPHovthqiFQs3ErpyD4ZVM3q_1ICN1Yjo-pLWv94adjyDbe_gemrVc/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioDiandhenNpc4hyphenhyphenfniKjiOmAZmzyizq7V0S6B7HDlBlNO1T1bxNLpa7r_cvMxL8wXNaKeE-IM_aKiXPp6QNKRsKxPHovthqiFQs3ErpyD4ZVM3q_1ICN1Yjo-pLWv94adjyDbe_gemrVc/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23222.jpg" width="251" /></a><i>Terror on Tour</i> is loaded with gems like these. "I think you're better than the Beatles <i>and</i> The Kinks," a groupie tells one of the band. Genius. And when The Clowns' lead singer tells the audience, "Go home or we'll kill you," you know you're in the presence of greatness. Sadly, screenwriter Dell Lekus never wrote another script, at least that I know of. But why should he when his only one is so perfect?<br />
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Now I know what you're thinking. Why would I want to watch this? Why?<br />
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Because it's there. Something I've come to appreciate while writing Creepy Clown Mondays is that no matter how seemingly awful a film is, someone made it. They thought it up, they wrote it, they made costumes, they filmed it. This is more than most of us ever do. So we owe it to them to at least give their work a chance.<br />
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Besides, if I had to suffer through it you should too. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQSpSkbUMDXfKajrWq__t04EYN1Brjj8xLlNfbFM-sapaY3MyFhfxGnOubkSfJ77uDTLRJHqsPRgqeEh4tR-2Yavemjln91-c8LkiLc5tHEYVBlNxlgK5jnGDlfDHUFIiiowM8RZMEp86S/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23188.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQSpSkbUMDXfKajrWq__t04EYN1Brjj8xLlNfbFM-sapaY3MyFhfxGnOubkSfJ77uDTLRJHqsPRgqeEh4tR-2Yavemjln91-c8LkiLc5tHEYVBlNxlgK5jnGDlfDHUFIiiowM8RZMEp86S/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23188.jpg" width="257" /></a>Having said that, you might have some trouble finding <i>Terror on Tour</i>. It was released only on VHS. But you can occasionally find it on ebay, and it's totally worth it. You can also find DVD transfers floating around if you search through the murky underground of forgotten films.<br />
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If you're curious about The Names, you might also enjoy visiting the website of drummer <a href="http://www.chipgreenman.com/">Chip Greenman.</a> He has some inside stories about the making of <i>Terror on Tour</i> that you might find interesting. Also, he's the one who utters the charming "Eight and a half" line, so you might e-mail him and ask him about that.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyQyrvY2kQcWnKX3RA17zx3J95U9rPpXh2arcpt1OoevUPxuCpv_SDiwOzpez0qjD7OYKIXKbenVfzSdpiWPad3SpuXFjzeB0LrgxOUGkBpvPMx4oa6j3Z-tQeTQrPpW4LksgdZmPGF9h7/s1600-h/+tim+nazi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyQyrvY2kQcWnKX3RA17zx3J95U9rPpXh2arcpt1OoevUPxuCpv_SDiwOzpez0qjD7OYKIXKbenVfzSdpiWPad3SpuXFjzeB0LrgxOUGkBpvPMx4oa6j3Z-tQeTQrPpW4LksgdZmPGF9h7/s320/+tim+nazi.jpg" /></a>Oh, one more thing. Tim, the woman-killing psychopath manager? He's played by actor Larry Tomashoff. At least that's what he called himself then. Now he calls himself Larry Thomas.<br />
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But you might know him better as <i>Seinfeld</i>'s Soup Nazi.<br />
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<i>KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</i><br />
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Favorite Line: "Ack!"<br />
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Rating (out of 5):<br />
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<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=4clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="4 Clowns" border="0" height="72" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/4clowns.png" width="306" /></a><br />
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<br />
<i>Terror on Tour</i><br />
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Favorite Line: "Listen to them up there. Sounds like a buncha vultures at a barbecue."<br />
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Rating (out of 5):<br />
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<a href="http://s161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/?action=view&current=1clowns.png" target="_blank"><img alt="1 Clown" border="0" height="72" src="http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t224/grumbledog/clowns/1clowns.png" width="77" /></a>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-12232831338561679782010-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:002010-01-18T08:24:21.662-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #9: Secrets of the Clown (2007)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqYsWtkdEU0n0jI4zFs1Jc7A5gM3cU9VfmFdTnoyATJQrMcwC3uVYNcUakRO9SbtKf1d5Qh5LA9f0xNujdnOM24_B72sV5CAUx8BgWlFlSIFKe6OLdisjzmYajIv5ZVoygoNFpBwYeUPa-/s1600-h/secrets+of+the+clown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqYsWtkdEU0n0jI4zFs1Jc7A5gM3cU9VfmFdTnoyATJQrMcwC3uVYNcUakRO9SbtKf1d5Qh5LA9f0xNujdnOM24_B72sV5CAUx8BgWlFlSIFKe6OLdisjzmYajIv5ZVoygoNFpBwYeUPa-/s320/secrets+of+the+clown.jpg" /></a>I don't care how beautiful you are, a dangly belly button piercing makes you look like a slut.<br />
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Now I'm not saying that's why Michelle Brancato gets killed within the first five minutes of <i>Secrets of the Clown</i>, but I don't think it helped. Neither did the lime green lace panties. Or balloon-like breasts. At the very least they were disturbing to watch. Tony Lee as her doomed boyfriend/husband doesn't fare very well either, and he doesn't have any visible piercings so maybe that theory is indeed flawed. But he does have a huge chest, and I am ashamed to say that I couldn't resist the urge to refer to the couple as Tits and Pecs.<br />
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A lot of people get killed in this offering from writer/director Ryan Badalamenti, which centers around a couple named Val (Kelli Clevenger) and Bobbie (Paul Pierro). I know Bobbie is the girly way of spelling the name, but that's what it says in the IMDB credits (oddly, there are no credits on the DVD) so we're going with that.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWPJaefzZnwMGCPVQ309uLEaEgJFIj_F9oWx0pfY33KrM0QRfTHZ0Fxw0s1eGnD4O3XjIz3QgPBi3f2CoiXjvQiHDQhKdrFO0MYCSTxOtgGVIyBKc3Fx7-L5OL1HvAuIRXOfqpTxWk3O-Q/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2367.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWPJaefzZnwMGCPVQ309uLEaEgJFIj_F9oWx0pfY33KrM0QRfTHZ0Fxw0s1eGnD4O3XjIz3QgPBi3f2CoiXjvQiHDQhKdrFO0MYCSTxOtgGVIyBKc3Fx7-L5OL1HvAuIRXOfqpTxWk3O-Q/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2367.jpg" width="206" /></a>Bobbie and Val have been together for four years. Nobody knows why, as they have absolutely nothing in common, but stranger things have happened in relationship land (Seal and Heidi Klum, for instance) so we'll let that slide. As the movie opens, though, Val is obviously upset about something. Having spent the evening at the library where she works, she leaves to find a creepy homeless guy hanging around. He gets creepier when he shows up outside her car, taps on the window, and hands her a book she dropped. The title: <i>The Demonic Doll.</i><br />
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Creepy dolls are nothing new in horror films. In fact, we'll be looking at a bunch of them in a later post. For now we're just concentrating on one particular doll. It's a clown. Val apparently loves it, as she's very protective of it. Which makes it even odder that when she gets home, packs her bags, and leaves Bobbie without any explanation, it's the one thing she leaves behind. Oh, and this is where we find out that Tits and Pecs are their next door neighbors. Also, before she leaves Val takes a shower and we see that she has a weird symbol branded into her arm. Later we will wonder why Bobbie never noticed this, as it's a good 4 inches long and surely he's seen her naked, but for now we just wonder why she's in such a hurry to get away from Bobbie, who by the way is waiting in the bedroom to have sex with her.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEippJsNgISSGj2CpCiOm4Cn9aGHgpiEg0qW-MGl0Mu-nsq993Lw71rDeIJ0H5vbvDwF_4t4WGkHjKjR97yPUEMxsCox3Ye4_XZupDBB9NLaRuxSLlWoI5_Wxi733qo2YBfyaueQaekEopQD/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2369.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEippJsNgISSGj2CpCiOm4Cn9aGHgpiEg0qW-MGl0Mu-nsq993Lw71rDeIJ0H5vbvDwF_4t4WGkHjKjR97yPUEMxsCox3Ye4_XZupDBB9NLaRuxSLlWoI5_Wxi733qo2YBfyaueQaekEopQD/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2369.jpg" /></a>This is where things start to go downhill. Having come over to help Bobbie drink a lot following Val's departure, Bobbie's friend Jim decides to teach the clown doll a lesson by smashing its feet. He then goes outside, where he sees a set of glowing eyes in the darkness and decides to investigate. Moments later he crawls onto the porch, his leg a bloody mess, and is stabbed to death by a hand that looks suspiciously as if it might belong to a clown.<br />
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By now you might be wondering how the clown doll and the apparent killer clown are connected. Well, you'll have to wait to find out. You'll have to wait a looooooong time. For right now we're more concerned about Bobbie, who goes outside to see what's keeping Jim, slips and hits his head, and wakes up in the hospital. We know it's a hospital because there's a microscope on the dresser. Also, glass containers of swabs and tongue depressors. Oh, and a cutaway model of a head showing the sinuses. It's very realistic.<br />
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Val comes and takes Bobbie home, where he falls asleep and dreams about the clown doll sitting in the microwave with what appears to be grape jelly oozing from its eyes. No, I don't know why. Probably somebody thought it was cool. Or maybe it's a reference to the Karen Black movie <i>Trilogy of Terror</i> (which we visited earlier in Creepy Clown Monday #7) where Karen tried to kill a demonic doll by putting it in the microwave. Only all that did was release the evil spirit in the doll, which then went into Karen and made her want to kill her mother, so it's not exactly a good plan.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5Ib9vP3LiF1sCkL3rZHen8HTunhSoAkN-RZ5ITHuAv1Qm9B3cnGnKUOYgSinHBc3fLS0cqfu0u8iFCz-8gcXj8Y1xlrBpFrHVEsMAbsPDlZ2ooGhAcI78kTYUBTpcMsPi23s2TWZqc2V/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2370.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5Ib9vP3LiF1sCkL3rZHen8HTunhSoAkN-RZ5ITHuAv1Qm9B3cnGnKUOYgSinHBc3fLS0cqfu0u8iFCz-8gcXj8Y1xlrBpFrHVEsMAbsPDlZ2ooGhAcI78kTYUBTpcMsPi23s2TWZqc2V/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2370.jpg" /></a>Anyway, Bobbie wakes up and he and Val have a spat about how Val seems to care more about the clown doll than about dead Jim. Then Bobbie's friends Jon and Louie arrive to take Bobbie to the cemetery, where they're going to visit Jim's grave. Only when Bobbie goes to tell Val he's leaving he sees Jim's ghost standing behind her. This is a little upsetting, especially as he's been hearing Jim's voice a lot as well.<br />
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At the cemetery the three guys meet up with their friend Mike and his girlfriend Kelly, who has a weird mouth and really dry hair. Their friend Ken is also there. Jon apparently dislikes Ken because Ken is getting his master's degree, which Ken mentions right off the bat, although we never find out what his degree is in. Then Bobbie tells Jon that he thinks Jim's spirit might be in his house and Ken overhears and tells Bobbie that, hey, he read an article recently about a woman who had a ghost problem and hired a psychic to come see what was what and maybe they should do that too.<br />
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Jon thinks this is crazy talk and tells everyone else what's going on, even though Bobbie asked him nicely not to. Mike tells Jon that he's a jerk and Jon tells Mike to do something to himself and Mike punches Jon in the nose. Jon runs off like a little girl and gets in his car, where he's promptly slaughtered, and if you ask me it's none too soon because he gets on your nerves really quickly. But Bobbie and Louie and Ken and Mike and Kelly get upset when they find him, so they're apparently not as judgmental as I am.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PRXx4L2JYFnXAE7Elm8CFiTW-4n8FI3YYHUzykgKoPbW2LdRF2X7QC8ZdhehuTOqrzh3jNXPHgvWNB-xb741F20BkZev6KrRM7IRtl9vgzw3b-sofortrbSWCIn4mqPIYyUPtpWerXF1/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2374.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PRXx4L2JYFnXAE7Elm8CFiTW-4n8FI3YYHUzykgKoPbW2LdRF2X7QC8ZdhehuTOqrzh3jNXPHgvWNB-xb741F20BkZev6KrRM7IRtl9vgzw3b-sofortrbSWCIn4mqPIYyUPtpWerXF1/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2374.jpg" /></a>While all this is going on Val is at home fretting about something. Then she sees the word SOON written on the window in what looks like Karo syrup with red food coloring in it but I guess is supposed to be blood. And she's all like, "No, no, no, no, no."<br />
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We're now treated to a fairly long segment in which Bobbie, wearing a wifebeater and looking pretty darn yummy, is trying to write his eulogy for Jon's funeral but keeps hearing Jim calling to him. He gives up on writing and goes upstairs, where he finds the bedroom lit with dozens of candles. If it were another kind of movie you might think Val was trying to sex him up, but instead we see a creepy clown face and Bobbie screams.<br />
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But it's okay because it turns out it's a dream. Bobbie wakes up and goes into the kitchen, where he finds Val in a trance. But when he touches her she turns into a zombie-demon type thing and gets all up in his face. He ends up having to smack her upside the head with the toaster, which he seems to enjoy a little too much.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQKXaG6j2SFmENmljrs4X7wBcLL30BZLoe-8kdDcs-2Eu60P7BgeMuRkNVbGy_5VUi4F6cSZtpqXS-XHuJnM8ew0mSk5BKQA0crt8vIl1Niy6077hQcZs1S7oC43Re6Oymqjz0Y4Sli0uz/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2375.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQKXaG6j2SFmENmljrs4X7wBcLL30BZLoe-8kdDcs-2Eu60P7BgeMuRkNVbGy_5VUi4F6cSZtpqXS-XHuJnM8ew0mSk5BKQA0crt8vIl1Niy6077hQcZs1S7oC43Re6Oymqjz0Y4Sli0uz/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2375.jpg" /></a>But it's okay because that's all a dream too. I know. I know. It's all very eighth season of <i>Dallas</i>, where the writers had to explain how Patrick Duffy's Bobby came back from the dead and so they made the entire season be a dream. But audiences forgave them for that, so we should be equally magnanimous and remember that writing a script is <i>hard</i> and sometimes you just need to do things like this.<br />
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Now it's time for Jon's funeral, at which we learn that he and Bobbie were best friends since childhood, which I don't quite buy because Jon really was a jerk and Bobbie is sweet and, well, it simply isn't believable. Also, the funeral home has a parlor filled with Hummels and I was a little freaked out by that. My paternal grandmother collected Hummels and they were always staring at us, so although she found the little goose girl charming I was sure she was full of evil and tried not to look at her.<br />
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This is where Val finds out about the proposed seance and freaks out. She tells Bobbie to make sure she's left out of it, which seems odd because if she wanted to be left out she could just not be at the house when it happens. She also mentions that she too has heard voices in the house and when Bobbie asks why she didn't think to say anything maybe before he thought he was going crazy she says it's because she's been having dreams about his death and didn't want to scare him even more. He appreciates this and tells her everything will be okay, which we totally know isn't true at all because only about 45 minutes have gone by.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3xD6-cG5a0idnbEqEISKiFtb62pRMF23jupOQPeJ87fiNoNPZLFGaT2d8KRI_2BV_tra0oSj-PQT7BUNPqtLTcVxRtzjJlDK8dzRIK-g8mSm-lrSkkFJfZ2I_AHereVaQWYj3MWg2CJ2_/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3xD6-cG5a0idnbEqEISKiFtb62pRMF23jupOQPeJ87fiNoNPZLFGaT2d8KRI_2BV_tra0oSj-PQT7BUNPqtLTcVxRtzjJlDK8dzRIK-g8mSm-lrSkkFJfZ2I_AHereVaQWYj3MWg2CJ2_/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2376.jpg" /></a>That night the psychic arrives wearing a black cloak and sporting a really bad blond dye job. They never do explain where they found him, which becomes a problem for me later. For now, though, all you have to know is that he's very dramatic. He closes his eyes a lot and breathes deeply, and at one point he says to Bobbie, "Though my ways may trouble you, I need you to trust me." Bobbie says okay, which doesn't seem to me to be the best course of action. But the psychic is all very Zelda "there's a presence in this house" Rubenstein in <i>Poltergeist</i> about it and doesn't really give anyone any other option, so there's that.<br />
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While Bobbie and the psychic are getting to know one another the rest of Bobbie's friends are in the basement playing pool and wondering what's going on. Someone mentions how weird Val is and wonders why Bobbie is with her, but Mike says that Bobbie is super smart and got a 35 on his ACT's in high school and therefore knows what he's doing so everyone should just shut up about it. Then Ken suggests they try a kind of ouija board thing using a shot glass as a planchette and the words YES and NO written on pieces of paper.<br />
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They ask Jim's spirit a couple of questions including "Do you know who did this?" and "Is the murderer someone we know?" The shot glass moves to the YES paper for each of these, which gets everyone all worked up.<br />
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Upstairs Bobbie has told the psychic about the clown doll. He asks to see it, but when Bobbie goes to get it he finds that it's gone. Val has taken it. The psychic finds this interesting, although no one else does.<br />
<br />
Back downstairs Ken asks Jim's spirit if the murderer is in the house. The shot glass slides to NO. "Are you a friend?" Ken asks. When the glass moves to NO they realize that they aren't speaking to Jim's spirit after all and that something unpleasant is in the house. This is proven a moment later when the light above the table explodes and Ken winds up with shards of glass piercing his face. As Ken is pretty cute, this is unfortunate on multiple levels.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdUSYpmwhyphenhyphenfUwnnjbwaYNOKmM-Jz4FPzkzThrkebLlxB8a_Tjl64GqkqhfagOwyLEcQxs3iWzVVfpJuW_lfVsXaB3qH8m_DrdhhOno767GE4VjoPWYxjyiAlVMqRA7txYdsz2S311h9vwW/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2391.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdUSYpmwhyphenhyphenfUwnnjbwaYNOKmM-Jz4FPzkzThrkebLlxB8a_Tjl64GqkqhfagOwyLEcQxs3iWzVVfpJuW_lfVsXaB3qH8m_DrdhhOno767GE4VjoPWYxjyiAlVMqRA7txYdsz2S311h9vwW/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2391.jpg" /></a>So where <i>is</i> Val during all of this? She's driving away. But she thinks about Bobbie and changes her mind, pulling a U-turn on the highway and heading back to him. Only her car breaks down and she doesn't have AAA and she has to hitch a ride with a creepy cowboy who seems oddly familiar. But she's too tired to figure out why and decides to take a little nap.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, at the house the psychic is yelling at everyone for initiating contact with the spirit and Bobbie is pulling pieces of glass out of Ken's face. And here is where something fairly clever happens. As Bobbie pulls out a particularly large shard of glass the camera moves in and for a second -- just a second -- the face of the evil clown from Bobbie's dreams is reflected in it. It's a small moment, but often the small moments mean the most, don't you think? After all, Judi Dench won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing Queen Elizabeth I in <i>Shakespeare in Love </i>and she was in it for a total of eight minutes.<br />
<br />
In the car Val wakes up to find the creepy cowboy feeling her up. She objects to this and tells him to let her out. He says that he can't do that, as he's been sent by "him" to babysit her and make sure she doesn't cause any trouble. That's when Val notices the scar on his hand, which is the same symbol she has branded on her arm. She's a little ticked off by this, and her eyes get all glowy and she mutters some mumbo-jumbo that makes the cowboy bleed from his eyes and ears and mouth and the car runs off the road and crashes into something. I can't remember what. An elk maybe, or a pole of some kind.<br />
<br />
Now Val needs a new ride, which she gets from a woman who seems very nice but who has a crucifix hanging from her rear view mirror and you know from the moment you see it that sooner or later she's going to bring up Jesus. The woman sees the book sticking out of Val's bag and the two of them have an awkward conversation about what Val is reading. The woman tells her she shouldn't be ashamed of reading, even if it's romance novels or "something dirty." Finally Val tells her that it's a book about witchcraft, to which the woman responds, "Witchcraft is the Devil's playground. It'll lead nowhere but a fiery grave."<br />
<br />
Sigh. As if there's not enough religious intolerance going around these days. Why go there? Especially when it upsets Val, who says sadly, "For the sins I've committed my soul is beyond redemption." Of course you want to know what these sins are, but that will have to wait. For now the woman hands Val a card on which is written:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6BAG0bQ-AC9XtDiOUN8iCI8o09SuIB34EircBFfrujhmd2i38VVU_lsq59tUiemVzWZlZOams6PabIuolAPWYhcyC1UnXkEyJeeXMD3Oe0GrVIhYWZlHDXedtXOMkh_bodMkXyq2TVklP/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2383.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6BAG0bQ-AC9XtDiOUN8iCI8o09SuIB34EircBFfrujhmd2i38VVU_lsq59tUiemVzWZlZOams6PabIuolAPWYhcyC1UnXkEyJeeXMD3Oe0GrVIhYWZlHDXedtXOMkh_bodMkXyq2TVklP/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2383.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><br />
<br />
There's just one problem. That's actually Romans 6:23. Romans 3:23 says,"For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." You learn these things when you spend your childhood in Baptist Sunday School doing Sword Drills. Don't ask.<br />
<br />
Personally, I think it would have been way more interesting if she had given Val one of those <a href="http://www.chick.com/catalog/tractlist.asp">Chick tracts.</a> You know, the ones you sometimes find slipped under your windshield wipers. They feature comic book type stories with some kind of scare tactic message about abortion or porn or gay people and have names like "The Death Cookie," "There Go the Dinosaurs," and "Why is Mary Crying?" They always end with someone going to Hell.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4qsza22YX_tiQyoFpFyvH-MKqltFlXuWwTVkOZCRw5YX8RgD1FOeJMgdyMWSseYmJYbR5Zp98I-s8ZZo4C0y2Tl3TTRijMihDr6uSK5chc9SufKIeY5a1-9LJfyQwtvDEmzeGkYnTLEi_/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-01-17+at+2.39.34+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4qsza22YX_tiQyoFpFyvH-MKqltFlXuWwTVkOZCRw5YX8RgD1FOeJMgdyMWSseYmJYbR5Zp98I-s8ZZo4C0y2Tl3TTRijMihDr6uSK5chc9SufKIeY5a1-9LJfyQwtvDEmzeGkYnTLEi_/s320/Screen+shot+2010-01-17+at+2.39.34+PM.png" /></a>The woman could have given Val a copy of "The Nervous Witch," for example, in which (ha ha!) we learn that the Harry Potter books open the door for demonic spirits. Had Val read something like that a little sooner, a lot of unpleasantness could have been avoided.<br />
<br />
Yes, Val is a witch. As if you didn't know that from her glowy eyes trick. And now Bobbie finds out about her too, as a voice calls him upstairs and he goes through Val's underwear drawer and finds <i>The Demonic Doll.</i> And inside <i>that</i> is a parchment covered in occult drawings and words in a made-up language. Possibly Klingon.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbFEOxZ_WlVVnCEKlfqsytP2dIgPXwxyQB10GdbK083b9a9aSP3ARbqsM5BEhlp538gnLOqsWzSMDCvzyrCEBpegLks2W01b_ekAbj5KqB43zS8-C8uOu_DKv9SwrirwXAGgLEeNdhxtpK/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2380.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbFEOxZ_WlVVnCEKlfqsytP2dIgPXwxyQB10GdbK083b9a9aSP3ARbqsM5BEhlp538gnLOqsWzSMDCvzyrCEBpegLks2W01b_ekAbj5KqB43zS8-C8uOu_DKv9SwrirwXAGgLEeNdhxtpK/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2380.jpg" width="254" /></a>I forgot to mention that while all this is happening Louie went outside to smoke a joint and was attacked by the clown. He lived long enough to crawl to the basement window and bang on it, but before his friends could pull him inside the clown made off with him, making everybody sad.<br />
<br />
What's that? Yes, I did notice the design on the clown's hand. Interesting, isn't it? <br />
<br />
Now we're back on track. Val runs away from the Christian lady when they stop for gas and jogs home, passing a street sign that says LIES RD, which I'm sure was entirely coincidental and isn't supposed to be at all symbolic. Oh, and these two guys (one of them played by director Badalamenti) think she's hot and follow her.<br />
<br />
Back at the house Bobbie informs everyone that Val is the killer, then promptly faints. The psychic fills in the gaps, telling them that Val has found a way to cheat death and has an evil servant who takes the form of a clown! He doesn't explain how he knows this, but at this point you start to wonder if maybe he knows more than he's letting on. You know, just possibly.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xAtqQbbHAYJw-66uxtyCSjzek2TxUPgfxWUY7OrCOIZsTBo8JVzs6foB54lwJyxshjS3TvHDWpDPFYMxcSfh2PpIcVkTXYUZf4otxlwkHk4_PmHswa-_HOEzYUrgS8Fw2WxDemrVFZsr/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2386.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xAtqQbbHAYJw-66uxtyCSjzek2TxUPgfxWUY7OrCOIZsTBo8JVzs6foB54lwJyxshjS3TvHDWpDPFYMxcSfh2PpIcVkTXYUZf4otxlwkHk4_PmHswa-_HOEzYUrgS8Fw2WxDemrVFZsr/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2386.jpg" width="272" /></a>Bobbie, still in a faint, has a vision in which he goes to the cemetery and meets Jim's spirit. Jim tells him that Val isn't the killer and that she's trying to save him.<br />
<br />
Now what? Oh, right. Remember Bobbie's dream where Val turned into a zombie thing? Well now Ken turns into a zombie thing. Only it's for real. He stabs Kelly with a piece of glass, knocks Mike out, and eventually is skewered on a samurai sword by Bobbie, who hates to do it to his friend but has really pretty much had it with the whole zombie thing. Then they all try to run out of the house but find it blocked by the evil clown, so that's out.<br />
<br />
Val is still jogging, and she's almost there when she's confronted by the evil clown. The two guys who think she's hot get out of their car to help her and you know what happens to them. Which they kind of deserve because they're married (not to each other, because the story takes place just outside Chicago and Illinois doesn't have gay marriage yet) and shouldn't be pogging around after a girl in distress anyway.<br />
<br />
Fun Fact: "Pogging" is a term my friends and I coined in college to describe men who fall victim to "Pelvic Oriented Guidance" and think with their little head instead of their big head. Feel free to use it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRH2gk-h36LZLsQ6yWqFa1D5SvlEUAw9LoTqwlzw1RZ6nt18o-NMte9PKkN2MbKYsd16DgHokgI8FoZk2TKRUTn1NiC9epASRfLfilX5nhyphenhyphen0CAoFAZ99-6LhxXHu7vHxbRBAuMO-5dTAtH/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2396.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRH2gk-h36LZLsQ6yWqFa1D5SvlEUAw9LoTqwlzw1RZ6nt18o-NMte9PKkN2MbKYsd16DgHokgI8FoZk2TKRUTn1NiC9epASRfLfilX5nhyphenhyphen0CAoFAZ99-6LhxXHu7vHxbRBAuMO-5dTAtH/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2396.jpg" /></a>Now the clown and Val are face to face and it's slightly uncomfortable for everyone. What does she do? She takes the clown doll, holds it up, and the evil clown disappears. I know, right? You weren't expecting that.<br />
<br />
She finally makes it back to the house, where she goes inside and is all witchy, making the door shut by waving her hand at it and stuff. She confronts the psychic and we now enter a period of exposition in which characters tell us a lot so that we don't feel stupid anymore.<br />
<br />
Basically it turns out that Val is a student of the psychic, who is really some kind of black magician (as in a practitioner of the black arts, not an African-American magician, although I suppose you could be both). He apparently taught her the secret to eternal life, which involves doing two things:<br />
<br />
1. Capturing a demonic spirit and imprisoning it in a doll.<br />
2. Killing a loved one.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlHpP4He__auMTi1I3WX5ysibNmzWYBUYDe4l9sW-FX8f6iYBeKJJT_glXUzb7ZBL8RriU2PiXmrt9WXkOdQpB0Pt9izUZa6Ttkalip8HS7eoXOwftbjzJMPwfjnFx4mAqQyo-nwQ14j4z/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2393.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlHpP4He__auMTi1I3WX5ysibNmzWYBUYDe4l9sW-FX8f6iYBeKJJT_glXUzb7ZBL8RriU2PiXmrt9WXkOdQpB0Pt9izUZa6Ttkalip8HS7eoXOwftbjzJMPwfjnFx4mAqQyo-nwQ14j4z/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2393.jpg" /></a>Val was given four years in which to do this, which seems like a long time when the psychic says that demonic spirits are "everywhere" and just waiting around to be put into dolls. And it's never made clear what happens if she doesn't accomplish it in four years. Probably she applies for an extension like all of those doctoral candidates who put off their dissertations for as long as possible.<br />
<br />
Anyway, as you might have guessed by now Bobbie is the loved one she's supposed to have killed. Only she really does love him and can't bring herself to do it. That's why she left. She went back to the psychic and told him that she would serve him forever if only he spared Bobbie's life. You know, because making deals with evil sorcerers always turns out well.<br />
<br />
Of course he said okay and then totally welched on the deal. Again, I don't really know why. It's something to do with needing souls to remain immortal, but it doesn't really make sense that his immortality has different rules than Val's. Unless he's in love with Bobbie too, but he's only known him for a few hours so it seems unlikely. Also, he's not really a loving kind of guy, the psychic. More like psychotic.<br />
<br />
This is where I stopped and wondered just how the psychic engineered it that he would be the one Bobbie called to do a seance. Or did he just kill the psychic Bobbie did call and take his place? No one ever explains that, and I wish they would. It's been bothering me. <br />
<br />
The evil clown, by the way, is the psychic's demonic helper. I know you probably figured that out, but I just wanted to be clear that it has nothing to do with Val or her clown doll. Now we can move on.<br />
<br />
Fast forward a bit. Everyone is tied up in the cellar. The psychic is going to kill at least Bobbie and probably everyone. He tells the clown to kill Bobbie and make it slow. Val whispers to Bobbie that she loves him and that they need to get the clown doll because Jim's spirit is in it. This is an important piece of information.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbpLBDocIpIRw0e2GJqTQkRrqePMwNRAfUHn-9khqobxV3OPFcO43WY2Tv8oE3E4SiL6F91icCzkQnOc-6tkE5j2qrbkrN6qwgWNdUCSleKRgWt7hnALnlG3CKVUYWHtJE0E5XvkSGaSbV/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2381.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbpLBDocIpIRw0e2GJqTQkRrqePMwNRAfUHn-9khqobxV3OPFcO43WY2Tv8oE3E4SiL6F91icCzkQnOc-6tkE5j2qrbkrN6qwgWNdUCSleKRgWt7hnALnlG3CKVUYWHtJE0E5XvkSGaSbV/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2381.jpg" /></a>The clown stabs Bobbie. Val calls out to Jim for help and the clown doll stabs the psychic in the back. I don't know why Val didn't do this <i>before</i> the evil clown stabbed Bobbie, but I guess she had her reasons. Now she frees everyone from the chains. Val yells for Kelly to get the clown doll. Mike clocks the evil clown. It all looks as if it might end well.<br />
<br />
It doesn't. The psychic stabs Kelly. The clown breaks Mike's neck. The psychic tells Val it's not too late for her to join him. She seems to consider it for a second, but remembers that she loves Bobbie. The psychic disappears into thin air, leaving the evil clown behind. Val picks up the clown doll and sucks the evil clown's soul into it. I think.<br />
<br />
At this point I was still confused. Fortunately, Val explains it all to Bobbie. I'm sure this is the clip the producers sent to the Academy when suggesting Kelli Clevenger for an Oscar nom, because it's a real heart-tugger. See, she did indeed plan on killing Bobbie. But she couldn't because he's cute and sweet, so instead she put a spell on the clown doll that was supposed to protect Bobbie from harm. No, I don't know how. She's not really specific. Then the magician sent the evil clown to kill Bobbie. But it killed Jim instead and Jim's soul got stuck in the clown doll. This suggests that Bobbie wasn't exactly protected from the evil clown by the doll so much as his soul would have gone into the doll if he was killed, which doesn't sound like it's much better and makes me wonder if Val is really all that good at being a witch.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4KXNQuw4_83nrEDDISxPBDytgYK1TYspQ4zZZgMdq-NgvjCyRR7gZgMZIF7P6YHJB_zenBvkJfjvOmWVWocVEyJZvU1KI0nzXWR5moCnrlvQDaaCVCUIssp-d8WDXhvGexWYUEt9-Am9/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2397.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4KXNQuw4_83nrEDDISxPBDytgYK1TYspQ4zZZgMdq-NgvjCyRR7gZgMZIF7P6YHJB_zenBvkJfjvOmWVWocVEyJZvU1KI0nzXWR5moCnrlvQDaaCVCUIssp-d8WDXhvGexWYUEt9-Am9/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2397.jpg" width="267" /></a>It gets more confusing. Apparently the way it works is that when the clown demon kills someone it somehow transfers that person's soul to its master, in this case the magician. But somehow Jim's soul went into the doll instead of being transferred to the psychic, which is why his spirit is trapped in this realm. Only now it's not because the demon is dead, so that's good.<br />
<br />
Now we come to the end. Almost. Bobbie wakes up in the hospital again. He's being tended to by a lovely nurse, who just happens to be played by Susie Christine, Playboy Cyber Girl for the week of June 27, 2005. Susie tells Bobbie that he's been in a coma for a whole year and that everything has been a dream. Then she gives him a sedative.<br />
<br />
Note: In case you want to follow her career, Susie Christine apparently decided to become Susie Grant at some point, but the DVD cover for <i>Secrets of the Clown</i> still says Susie Christine so don't send me notes telling me I'm wrong. I'm not. I would also like to say that despite what comes next, Susie actually gives a really natural performance as the nurse and was a nice surprise.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ZRqc9Izw0T8HqQN4TJRET80FK47mzAygpButZ_RQ4pDUa4xACkauaGvuXxhi9nKE1ouGhVeOzwHZ-xuN3hujl3I9U2GkmO3KS6o5tX9ec4j6pMKFjFgBy8IlkZyk9v5PZqRwY8UwDwba/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ZRqc9Izw0T8HqQN4TJRET80FK47mzAygpButZ_RQ4pDUa4xACkauaGvuXxhi9nKE1ouGhVeOzwHZ-xuN3hujl3I9U2GkmO3KS6o5tX9ec4j6pMKFjFgBy8IlkZyk9v5PZqRwY8UwDwba/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23100.jpg" width="182" /></a>So Susie gives Bobbie a sedative. Then she turns into a naughty nurse and takes off her uniform and climbs on top of Bobbie. For a moment it seems as if things are going to go in a new direction, but then she starts spitting blood all over Bobbie and it's not sexy at all.<br />
<br />
And then Bobbie wakes up. Again. The nurse is there again and she's not at all unpleasant. (This is the part where Susie Christine/Grant is very good). Again Bobbie thinks he's been in a coma for a year. He even says as much to Val when she comes in to see him. She just kind of nods and helps him into a wheelchair, apparently so they can roam around the hospital or something.<br />
<br />
But on the way out the door they're stopped by the doctor, who looks suspiciously like the evil magician. Why? Because he is! Bwahahahahahahaha! <br />
<br />
And then Bobbie wakes up. No, I'm serious. It was another dream. This time he wakes up and sees the doctor/magician dead on the floor beside the bloody clown doll. Val has killed him with her witchy ways and everything is fine.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6f_EqSHdoogmZRNPcqypSGmlUelnbh7QuS-1vBslQGSSoYlXj4CrWFx013fy8j-PEdFub8oP1FAIpYXdthnI0coMQzIaxILn1P4mfpWzIL4SVwIBztIgbefT40gp8IxsCypy7l2FqMIQ/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2399.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6f_EqSHdoogmZRNPcqypSGmlUelnbh7QuS-1vBslQGSSoYlXj4CrWFx013fy8j-PEdFub8oP1FAIpYXdthnI0coMQzIaxILn1P4mfpWzIL4SVwIBztIgbefT40gp8IxsCypy7l2FqMIQ/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2399.jpg" /></a>Except that Val maybe didn't use her witchy ways. She's holding in her hand the card with the Bible verse on it, leaving me to believe that she conjured up Jesus or Archangel Gabriel or Saint Peter and had them smite her foe. You know, because she's cleansed of sin now or something.<br />
<br />
No, I don't like this message either. In fact, when I saw that I felt as if I'd just watched a 90 minute Chick tract. I don't know if that's what Badalamenti was going for, and I really don't think he was, but it's still icky and wrong.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZN7P_uOtn-tMi9nEdDW1isbmlZHzb_Lx_5uzujL94mxImYNFP0VatSq8WMb2rN5bDsMwNTPpCO7wo_koHlv_ndsMJ1XwTIvJIz5Kulu933CSFXQkkgdEHfaTqBD_Fx3-Z7jRO3h7SsTYI/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%23103.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZN7P_uOtn-tMi9nEdDW1isbmlZHzb_Lx_5uzujL94mxImYNFP0VatSq8WMb2rN5bDsMwNTPpCO7wo_koHlv_ndsMJ1XwTIvJIz5Kulu933CSFXQkkgdEHfaTqBD_Fx3-Z7jRO3h7SsTYI/s320/DVD+Snap+1%23103.jpg" /></a>Fortunately there is an alternate ending included on the disc, and it's <i>much</i> better. In that one Bobbie wakes up and is shackled to the chair. Behind him stands Val, her eyes all glowy. To his right is the demon clown holding a knife, and to his left is the magician/doctor. The doctor leans down and licks some blood off Bobbie's face and the scene fades out.<br />
<br />
They should have gone with that one.<br />
<br />
The other extra on the DVD is an hour of interviews with the cast and crew of <i>Secrets of the Clown.</i> These are enormously entertaining, at least if you want to hear gaffer Tom Burnett talk about his favorite moments of the shoot, Paul Pierro talk about going commando after getting his shorts wet in a bathtub scene, or Micheal Kott (the psychic, and yes he misspells Michael on purpose) talk about how he's really a stage actor and didn't know if he would like making a film (he did).<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA5-CBENH2oZYxTMU2F9Zc8EelbY61CQ9oj37j_U_Ul4_QYK5tYJtEUnQC9h93xst-vk5JqBPzZAaw_JiFKADQEtuHs8kMZAcsj3xGAsSqy5uLZI6P19hlcRlgGFIlcMW1f0PnRok9xhZA/s1600-h/evil+clown+actor.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA5-CBENH2oZYxTMU2F9Zc8EelbY61CQ9oj37j_U_Ul4_QYK5tYJtEUnQC9h93xst-vk5JqBPzZAaw_JiFKADQEtuHs8kMZAcsj3xGAsSqy5uLZI6P19hlcRlgGFIlcMW1f0PnRok9xhZA/s320/evil+clown+actor.png" /></a>The best bit by far is the interview with Scott Whipple, the absolutely adorable nerdy bodybuilder who played the demon clown, the evil cowboy, and the creepy homeless guy at the library. He also designed the clown's look and rewrote parts of the script. If he knows how to cook I'm marrying him, although his wife might have something to say about that. She's in the interview too, but I don't think she had anything to do with the film.<br />
<br />
So now you know what secrets the clown was keeping. I assume that refers to the clown doll and not the clown demon, but does it really matter?<br />
<br />
<br />
Favorite Line: "I can't believe this is happening. What's <i>next?"</i><br />
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Rating (Out of 5):<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8oLlq3bOA9BoeZXhGjeP7MpeOs6sk8zi30tMi7n21T-eIG-IXBJFoUuE24U1zz2iGOnav-i1kJKOu3DWIdII7vcLvWJowZaosyCTQTbsJpBIPBChqEYmSf8-_6nuRAieP2EyXhaU7J4VC/s1600-h/2.5+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8oLlq3bOA9BoeZXhGjeP7MpeOs6sk8zi30tMi7n21T-eIG-IXBJFoUuE24U1zz2iGOnav-i1kJKOu3DWIdII7vcLvWJowZaosyCTQTbsJpBIPBChqEYmSf8-_6nuRAieP2EyXhaU7J4VC/s320/2.5+clowns.png" /></a><br />
</div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-14298144885406864762010-01-13T17:47:00.000-08:002010-01-13T17:51:40.356-08:00Flaming Asshats of the Day, Part 2: The Supreme CourtAs if having one FAotD isn't bad enough, today we have two. Actually, 6.<br />
<br />
First there was Pat Robertson and his moronic comments about the earthquake in Haiti being caused by a "pact with the Devil" the people of Haiti made at the end of the 18th century in exchange for Satan helping them rout the French. Now we have a ruling by the Supreme Court that prevents the televising of the trial currently underway in San Francisco over Proposition 8, the voter-approved proposition making gay marriage in California illegal.<br />
<br />
Earlier this month the judge in charge of the trial, U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker, ruled that the trial could be broadcast on YouTube. But the Prop 8 supporters got all upset about that, claiming that their witnesses could be exposed to harassment and intimidation if their identities were revealed. They went screaming to the Supreme Court crying foul.<br />
<br />
Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, and Alito ruled in favor of keeping cameras out of the courtroom. Justices Breyer, Stephens, Ginsburg, and Sotomayor ruled in favor of allowing them. Breyer, in the dissent, wrote:<br />
<blockquote>“All of the witnesses supporting the applicants are already publicly identified with their cause. They are all experts or advocates who have either already appeared on television or Internet broadcasts.” <br />
</blockquote>The full text of the dissent can <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1263430585200">be read here.</a><br />
<br />
It should be pointed out that the Supreme Court, in 1981, ruled that cameras can be allowed in courtrooms. The reasoning behind today's decision is based solely on the claim that allowing this particular trial to be televised might put the witnesses at risk.<br />
<br />
Except, as Breyer points out, we already know who they are. Additionally, their names and what they say will be printed in newspapers and repeated on newscasts. <br />
<br />
It seems to me that if a matter that potentially affects the lives of millions of Americans is being argued, we should be able to see it. And if the people who are against giving everyone equal rights are so sure that they're in the right, why are they afraid to be seen saying so? Particularly if, as they claim, their views are the views of the majority.<br />
<br />
I guess it's okay when it's entertainment. You know, like the O.J. Simpson trial, the Phil Spector trial, the Loreena Bobbitt trial, and so on. But when it's a trial that actually affects our lives, we're not allowed to see it.<br />
<br />
So joining Pat Robertson as Flaming Asshats of the Day are Chief Justice John Roberts, Justice Antonin Scalia, Justice Clarence Thomas, Justice Anthony Kennedy, and Justice Samuel Alito.<br />
<br />
Welcome to the party, boys.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-75108194917518781782010-01-13T13:51:00.000-08:002010-01-13T13:51:06.957-08:00Flaming Asshat of the Day: Pat RobertsonAs I'm sure you know, they had an earthquake in Haiti yesterday. Much of the country's infrastructure is destroyed. It's estimated that as many as 100,000 people were killed. Disaster relief and humanitarian aid organizations worldwide are rushing to help.<br />
<br />
And what is televangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson doing? He's offering his unique perspective on the cause of the earthquake. Here's what he had to say this morning on CBN's <i>The 700 Club</i> when asked for his thoughts by co-host Kristi Watts:<br />
<blockquote>"You know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti. And the people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third or whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you get us free from the French.' True story. And so, the Devil said, 'Ok, it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another -- desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It's cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti on the other is the Dominican Republic. The Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to God, that out of this tragedy, I'm optimistic something good may come, but right now we're helping the suffering people -- and the suffering is unimaginable."<br />
</blockquote> Don't believe it? See for yourself:<br />
<br />
<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mPyyXQN8cG0&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mPyyXQN8cG0&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />
<br />
Pat Robertson will be 80 in a few months, and I might be willing to cut him some slack because of that. That is, if he hadn't said things like this before. But he has. Often. He most famously blamed the 9/11 terrorist attacks and natural disasters in the United States on, among other things, abortion, internet porn, and the ACLU.<br />
<br />
Now look. I don't care what people believe. Nor do I care if people say absolutely stupid things in public. In fact, I like that because it's proof of their stupidity and can be used against them. But I do care when stupid people say stupid things in public to 1. blame victims for what has happened to them and 2. advance their own messed-up agenda.<br />
<br />
So congratulations, Pat Robertson. You are the Flaming Asshat of the Day. Enjoy your victory.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-14331581025691710852010-01-11T06:07:00.001-08:002010-01-14T14:13:20.196-08:00Creepy Clown Monday #8: Hellbreeder (2003)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-xfS-WfOakwXlUGw2VX5dU97CDF9RlxGSreS_q9Iiy7945gFGbOCu4IUoI2qwNEtAskVTnP181vmI3OXU74r6LbcGKhD9-Zr7eHXaPJxs6RnzBknG-b0QZ7F0ZcfiDTNGnsRHK4hyylq/s1600-h/hellbreeder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-xfS-WfOakwXlUGw2VX5dU97CDF9RlxGSreS_q9Iiy7945gFGbOCu4IUoI2qwNEtAskVTnP181vmI3OXU74r6LbcGKhD9-Zr7eHXaPJxs6RnzBknG-b0QZ7F0ZcfiDTNGnsRHK4hyylq/s320/hellbreeder.jpg" /></a>To borrow from an old adage, the road to <i>Hellbreeder</i> was paved with good intentions. You wouldn't know this if you just watch the movie, but a little poking around into the film's history turns up an all too familiar story of artistic vision thwarted by marketplace interference.<br />
<br />
Writer/directors Johannes Roberts and James Eaves originally made a movie called <i>Alice</i>. We don't know what it was about because it was never released. What we <i>do</i> know is that distributors hated it and wouldn't touch it. So Eaves and Roberts went back to the drawing board, sliced and diced <i>Alice</i>, and came up with <i>Hellbreeder.</i><br />
<br />
In an interview with British film site <a href="http://www.horror-asylum.com/">Horror Asylum</a> Roberts described the experience thusly:<br />
<blockquote><i>"Hellbreeder</i> was originally called <i>Alice.</i> I really enjoyed it. For me I really felt that it was the film that I 'came of age' as it were, as a director (again I directed this with James Eaves)--I threw everything at that both in terms of script and stylistically--with the lenses and the stock and the camera angles. It was a very hard shoot though. The sad thing about <i>Alice</i> is that no one would touch it--all the buyers hated it--they thought it was unmarketable. I eventually re-cut it so it has nothing to do with the original film, and re-titled it <i>Hellbreeder</i> and it sold really well but the original film is probably the best thing, certainly the most personal thing, I have ever directed. Its initial rejection has certainly affected the way I approach every new film, which is a shame. I'm much more cautious, whereas <i>Alice</i> was balls-out craziness. It's an amazing watch. Hellbreeder isn't really a film at all. I can't watch it."<br />
</blockquote><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPe_iAH1XX8TeOSpXT5M-16OSIz7GyiOog2BF3xc58FYfX4nu6-xvJZl9vhxWKrpqJCcKSIHOF4Y2V_i4hEfPkhyMQg63Sx-dCSLNMx8y6HFI258iWFLIHzF7xnNWky_Cb7ThJ3pySWyyf/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2342.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPe_iAH1XX8TeOSpXT5M-16OSIz7GyiOog2BF3xc58FYfX4nu6-xvJZl9vhxWKrpqJCcKSIHOF4Y2V_i4hEfPkhyMQg63Sx-dCSLNMx8y6HFI258iWFLIHzF7xnNWky_Cb7ThJ3pySWyyf/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2342.jpg" /></a>When Roberts talks about the stock and camera angles in <i>Hellbreeder</i> being interesting, he's not kidding. The movie is shot on color reversal film (as opposed to the more common negative format of traditional film), which produces high-contrast, saturated colors. To make the images even more interesting, the filmmakers cross-processed it (meaning they developed it using chemicals/procedures meant for another type of film). The end result is interesting, but probably not for everyone. Many of the scenes have a greenish-yellow cast to them. Meant to reflect the unstable mindset of the film's main character, Alice, they do create an otherworldly atmosphere. But they also sometimes just look muddy and underlit. There's a fine line between arty and overdone, and what might have worked in <i>Alice</i> doesn't always work in <i>Hellbreeder.</i><br />
<br />
The camera angles are equally unique, and overall more uniformly effective. Extreme close-ups, high and low angles, and other tricks are used to create the sense that we are in a dream/nightmare world where nothing is as it seems. It could be argued that there is too much camera trickery used, but given the slight story line the movie benefits decidedly from its visuals. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivQFpYWBgw8c37kOK3X_7HIfz3ZTcMIIig6O49wRs-vzngQUAm4xGiOP01UuuxCWNShfcrTaQHH5sfGyC7oozIG8Q1ie2uf-TQGHAP2zVb4d7thjbBxOI6jDRk7VVjE-cpmYnqY8ClK-XH/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2346.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivQFpYWBgw8c37kOK3X_7HIfz3ZTcMIIig6O49wRs-vzngQUAm4xGiOP01UuuxCWNShfcrTaQHH5sfGyC7oozIG8Q1ie2uf-TQGHAP2zVb4d7thjbBxOI6jDRk7VVjE-cpmYnqY8ClK-XH/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2346.jpg" /></a>So what <i>is</i> the movie about? That's pretty easy to sum up. Alice Nelson is the perfectly lovely mother of an 8-year-old boy, Matthew, who was murdered while the two of them were walking home one night. Now Alice keeps showing up at the scene of other child murders, trying to catch her son's killer. When asked by a detective (played, somewhat surprisingly, by well-known French actor Dominique Pinon of <i>Amelie</i> and <i>Delicatessen</i>) how she knows where the murders will be she says, "just call it instinct." If you ask me this is a pretty sorry explanation, but the detective trusts her so we probably should as well.<br />
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Also appearing at each of the murders is a dirty drifter type named Sam, who is played by Darren Day, a British actor known as much for his tumultuous personal life (he seems to hold the world record for number of fiancees he never actually married) as he is for his successful turns in musical theater. Alice distinctly remembers Sam from the night she and her son were attacked. More to the point, she distinctly remembers him wielding a huge knife in their direction, so naturally she wants to kill him for what he did to her son.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF7vXGAw40qXHbTGnxcQ78um3Mo2LII_Oj957qB3nnRWaUEL5MH7YEchS2P9bBfHImeMRIdAtcCFHJPmeLkdfj1K4Q3NYOeh0mv3pGXD_BYiZs_J9SwRvwYENe6LTqG3FaSSHcsLHEes40/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2354.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF7vXGAw40qXHbTGnxcQ78um3Mo2LII_Oj957qB3nnRWaUEL5MH7YEchS2P9bBfHImeMRIdAtcCFHJPmeLkdfj1K4Q3NYOeh0mv3pGXD_BYiZs_J9SwRvwYENe6LTqG3FaSSHcsLHEes40/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2354.jpg" /></a>Not a lot happens, really. More kids are murdered. Sam keeps showing up. Alice keeps having nightmares about the night William was murdered and about her ex-husband and in-laws blaming her for everything. The murder scenes are all very disturbing and arty, and Sam gets more and more dirty and crazy. He also gets some below-the-belt lovin' from a girl in the back of his van, if you know what I mean, although in the middle of it all he appears to have a serious psychotic break and the girl runs away, which is probably a good idea on her part given that he has a bunch of knives in the van.<br />
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In Alice's flashbacks we see a clown. Two, actually, although really they're just two manifestations of the same clown. One of them is sort of pleasant looking, although still creepy. He appears with balloons and sits next to Alice and William on a bench in the park where they were attacked. That's him a few paragraphs up. His bow tie is filled with sugary breakfast cereal, and if he sat next to you on the bus you probably wouldn't be any more frightened than you ought to be when riding public transport.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk7fQ_OIvKyXSR697VkBh46nPALGejqtSE4G-Fk1gpOpOxxBod0abOP0jZdIaI0R8WR4Ngvk3OSHEj6cHtgFIB9ud6v6NieTfYM3ZReqmQxEiILzDJESxcyLLly6Xmj8h1-0_vNvHyz1FC/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2341.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk7fQ_OIvKyXSR697VkBh46nPALGejqtSE4G-Fk1gpOpOxxBod0abOP0jZdIaI0R8WR4Ngvk3OSHEj6cHtgFIB9ud6v6NieTfYM3ZReqmQxEiILzDJESxcyLLly6Xmj8h1-0_vNvHyz1FC/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2341.jpg" /></a>The other clown is not nice at all. He's all long teeth and claws and evil eyes. Watching him, you start to think that maybe he has something to do with all of these murders. You know, just possibly. Also, the film opens with him killing a little girl, so that's a bit of a giveaway.<br />
<br />
Some things go on during all of this that really don't make sense, and all I can conclude is that these are the remaining bits of <i>Alice</i> that the filmmakers couldn't bear to throw away.<br />
<br />
For instance, a couple of times a man dressed in red with a goatee and yellow eyes appears to give Alice advice.<i> Oh, look, it's the Devil,</i> you might think, as I did. And it makes sense, right? You know, what with the film being called <i>Hellbreeder</i> and all.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGvYkEJzISErzmlvZKhzFuEKa2ULghuBvsPeVM2eKSC3Uq1hBVaNlER-3YUzbTaYUON8YXw5u_73suHxyRDIPLULKV4IuzO-ePpX34wOy_0kxObx_ElpsAbwcQ0rC4upiwXR3MmjM8zhCV/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2364.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGvYkEJzISErzmlvZKhzFuEKa2ULghuBvsPeVM2eKSC3Uq1hBVaNlER-3YUzbTaYUON8YXw5u_73suHxyRDIPLULKV4IuzO-ePpX34wOy_0kxObx_ElpsAbwcQ0rC4upiwXR3MmjM8zhCV/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2364.jpg" /></a>But it's not the Devil. It's God. You only know this when you watch the credits, and it's a good thing I did or I might have been left with the totally wrong impression. Also, there's a scene where Sam goes into a church and confronts a priest, and another where Alice is walking through a library and a nun is standing there reading a book. Again, I suspect the original <i>Alice</i> had some religious undertones to it, and that would be interesting to see. In <i>Hellbreeder,</i> though, they just seem out of place. Or do they? We'll discuss later.<br />
<br />
Okay, so Alice is chasing after Sam. And she finally catches him. Then she pistol whips him and ties him up, which is a pretty good start to a revenge scene. Only Sam says he didn't kill Matthew and Alice says okay then and unties him and they have sex, even though Sam is still filthy and has hair like Phil Spector, which I doubt many people find terribly attractive. Still, in real life Darren Day is kind of cute, so maybe Alice thought about that while he was all over her.<br />
<br />
For this part of the film the directors employ a different style. For a while I couldn't figure out why it looked familiar. Then I realized it looked like the video for a-ha's "Take on Me" that everyone went crazy over in 1985. It's not nearly as good as that, but still you have to give the filmmakers props for trying.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1yA3vFyatPKjBYWXtTWEN6zHf0JeP_5g3k_pKKabAl2h46pp3teKcLzSVqzp0uMHE55H15sQt2CLV6g-CwSKUgYooXJAlRcFscPooqJlXzK7NNVO-9rYYmIXiinRbhQb2eGeku2SbKX9/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2357.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1yA3vFyatPKjBYWXtTWEN6zHf0JeP_5g3k_pKKabAl2h46pp3teKcLzSVqzp0uMHE55H15sQt2CLV6g-CwSKUgYooXJAlRcFscPooqJlXzK7NNVO-9rYYmIXiinRbhQb2eGeku2SbKX9/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2357.jpg" /></a>Speaking of music, Johannes Roberts wrote the score for <i>Hellbreeder,</i> and it's a mixed bag. Most of it sounds a whole lot like John Carpenter's familiar score from <i>Halloween.</i> And occasionally it sounds like something else you've heard before. Like at one point I was absolutely certain that it was the melody from Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart," which would have been a nice little joke given that song's line "turn around, bright eyes" and the fact that the evil clown in <i>Hellbreeder</i> glows when he's about to snack on someone. (Also, it fits in with the eyes of the kid on the DVD cover, an image which otherwise has nothing really to do with the movie's plot at all.)<br />
<br />
Oh, crap. I just gave everything away. Well, there's no helping it now. Yes, it's the clown who killed Matthew, not Sam. Only it's not <i>really</i> a clown, it's some sort of nameless evil that takes the shape of a clown. And it's not exactly nameless either, as Sam informs Alice that it's called the Hellbreed.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to another small quibble I have with the film. If the clown is called the Hellbreed, why is the movie titled <i>Hellbreeder</i>? Did they not want to be associated with the short-lived Clive Barker magazine of the same name? I suppose you could say it's because the clown breeds Hell on Earth or some such nonsense, but I don't buy it. Whatever the reason, that superfluous <i>er</i> bugs me.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxFMCUcW0T4kHFKM3OTIutj8Gv-hl0lczCbHgb6tes6iqq_gFZzNEN-PTejK3kNN3p58epKPPLAEIpgIeMZu9eRhyphenhyphen3d4js68itERf5qOojMKfJ7EA0Ct2mPKQfzLYXc7R9ktC3vtD_Xyf7/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxFMCUcW0T4kHFKM3OTIutj8Gv-hl0lczCbHgb6tes6iqq_gFZzNEN-PTejK3kNN3p58epKPPLAEIpgIeMZu9eRhyphenhyphen3d4js68itERf5qOojMKfJ7EA0Ct2mPKQfzLYXc7R9ktC3vtD_Xyf7/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2361.jpg" /></a>Anyway, now that Sam has reminded her Alice remembers everything. It <i>was</i> an evil clown that killed Matthew. Sam <i>did</i> rush at them with a big knife, but he was trying to kill the Hellbreed, not them. In fact, he's been hunting the Hellbreed for a long time, although we never find out why. But we now know to call him the Clown Hunter. Which, by the way, is an awesome title to have.<br />
<br />
Now things really get going. Alice is arrested by the detective and his partner, a grim-faced woman with an intimidatingly thick braid and no sense of humor. Why? Because it turns out Alice is an escapee from the Gatlin Psychiatric Institute, where she had been held for seven years following the death of her son.<br />
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Fun Fact: Gatlin Pictures is the name of Johannes Roberts's production company. If you're interested you can take a look at <a href="http://www.gatlin-pictures.com/">his site.</a> There's not much there, but the graphic of a pretty girl with angel wings is nice if you're into that sort of a thing. Also, you can send Roberts e-mail and he might write back and then you could become friends and he might put you in his next movie.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vQmcOFnVxQYAovDFQSPN2G3TcxYTjHnIS0O5UFfX7jdXscr34HxMSxmhvVXJpQe-8aAjXZTWPWVnhnV-GcL4O-GMmLBsajtfdu4ofaYm8_a-MPSmHAg-xV-oHAWrgW1qTnAHvVyK6U4N/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2352.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-vQmcOFnVxQYAovDFQSPN2G3TcxYTjHnIS0O5UFfX7jdXscr34HxMSxmhvVXJpQe-8aAjXZTWPWVnhnV-GcL4O-GMmLBsajtfdu4ofaYm8_a-MPSmHAg-xV-oHAWrgW1qTnAHvVyK6U4N/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2352.jpg" /></a>So now we're at the psychiatric hospital. Only something is definitely not right. The patients are running all over the grounds in their nightgowns. At first you think maybe this is some kind of new therapy or what have you, but when the patients swarm the police car and start pounding on it you sense trouble is afoot.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, <s>the Devil</s> God is sitting beside Alice in the back seat. They have the following conversation:<br />
<br />
GOD: "The lair is somewhere for the clown to hide. A circus, yes, or . . . ?"<br />
ALICE: "A mental asylum."<br />
GOD: "Where better for a killer vampire clown to hide."<br />
ALICE: "Where better indeed."<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfXtHTXpj1zmghASytj0v9PLK0ARRFoGVs_CRm2B2ldrmzcK3C1s3yFSYYcxc1o9ncEmfzeK1pfVNmrtQz-8Us6oNZ_5f0WnOxYqEAlYBPjgweeIPFPWHr8EaB_sj4MN7xCbWRGlF8gqr/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2363.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfXtHTXpj1zmghASytj0v9PLK0ARRFoGVs_CRm2B2ldrmzcK3C1s3yFSYYcxc1o9ncEmfzeK1pfVNmrtQz-8Us6oNZ_5f0WnOxYqEAlYBPjgweeIPFPWHr8EaB_sj4MN7xCbWRGlF8gqr/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2363.jpg" /></a>The lady detective with the thick braid and no sense of humor gets out and is all, "Get away from the car!" Then the evil clown appears and gives her a good slap. Only she isn't dead, she's just knocked out. She wakes up. The clown whacks her again. But wait. She's <i>still</i> not dead. She's in a field. I don't know how this field got there because it wasn't there a minute ago, but she's definitely in it. And now the clown really does kill her. This all takes longer than it should and is not nearly as gratifying as you might like given that the woman has been a bit of an ass for most of the picture.<br />
<br />
Ass or not, her partner is naturally upset about this and gets out, where he is promptly assaulted by lunatics. He stumbles back to the car, but not before the clown swoops in and finishes him off. Now Alice, still handcuffed, is faced with her worst fear. The clown comes at her, mouth open and glowing all over the place. Death is almost certain! It reminded me of the scene in <i>Jaws</i> when the boat is sinking and Quint is sliding down the deck into the shark's mouth. Only without all the swearing.<br />
<br />
But just when you think it's all over BAM! Sam appears and shoots the clown with what appears to be a blunderbuss or musket or something. Anyway, it produces a lot of noise and smoke, the clown bleeds green, and it's all over. Sam strides to the car, bends toward the window and . . . isn't Sam.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9P9zkR6Qz4zAGE8bXVzVia9WaGy2pDMrNaqRtzZePj7mvUxB0sLgFLATHpo_Gh9rncYXFEo8voVtDeIyxp5xofE6J19iK2IGZHuAN72bA8gKHEUQ5YnyW-pC2UxhL4K_2-OZxt7bmTrM6/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2351.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9P9zkR6Qz4zAGE8bXVzVia9WaGy2pDMrNaqRtzZePj7mvUxB0sLgFLATHpo_Gh9rncYXFEo8voVtDeIyxp5xofE6J19iK2IGZHuAN72bA8gKHEUQ5YnyW-pC2UxhL4K_2-OZxt7bmTrM6/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2351.jpg" /></a>Who is it? It's Alice! Grinning madly, she looks at herself, still trembling in the back seat, and says, "Who were you expecting, Alice?" Then she gets in, the two have a lovely heart-to-heart about the three R's (retribution, redemption and revenge), and they blow up the car with a flare. Well, Alice gets out first and doesn't go up in flames. But the clown (who apparently wasn't dead after all) does. It climbs out and spins around for a bit and then dies.<br />
<br />
Moments later Alice wakes up. She's lying on the ground and the lunatics are circled around her singing a happy little song about God and angels and going home one day. Roberts wrote this one too, and it's actually quite sweet. Alice laughs crazily and we end with some video footage of her being interviewed by someone. There's similar footage at the beginning of the movie, but it doesn't seem terribly important until now, for reasons we'll look at in a bit.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing about <i>Hellbreeder</i>: It is far less than the sum of its parts. There are some great ideas here. There's some very interesting and tricky camera work. There are good performances. Yet the first reaction when the film ends is likely to be, "What the hellbreeder was that?"<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf0xqg3Ok84vvl1nFG3gx-kgrLEZB1sCX5LYt_RP1no8-ZjQV7UrM02XFtkY6aSlq_rW7K5Yc8-rV6mAaEQhfz1sEsR5gl-fG5mVPFwPKhzzReDjjmVn_YhF0ZOsvJ_bjTPoZ1TJliXQ-4/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2356.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf0xqg3Ok84vvl1nFG3gx-kgrLEZB1sCX5LYt_RP1no8-ZjQV7UrM02XFtkY6aSlq_rW7K5Yc8-rV6mAaEQhfz1sEsR5gl-fG5mVPFwPKhzzReDjjmVn_YhF0ZOsvJ_bjTPoZ1TJliXQ-4/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2356.jpg" /></a>It's only on repeated viewing that you find little things you probably missed. Something I noticed only when watching the film a second time was that the voice of the interviewer in the video clips (I told you we'd get back to them) sounds remarkably like the voice of God. Which for me raises an interesting question: Is Alice dead--maybe even on a mission from God--and is God debriefing her about her experiences vanquishing his enemy the Hellbreed? Is the footage from interviews taken the night following Matthew's death, or is it maybe new footage taken after Alice is once again committed to an institution?<br />
<br />
Personally, I kind of like Option A. It makes for a whole good vs. evil, God vs. Satan, Heaven vs. Hell kind of thing. Then Sam becomes a kind of crazed angel sent by God to destroy the Hellbreed and Alice is the human caught up in it all. That movie would be interesting.<br />
<br />
Or maybe I'm totally wrong and it's not the same voice at all. That's certainly possible. I've been downing the Robitussin pretty heavily for the past few days because of my cold, and hearing the voice of God wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've experienced.<br />
<br />
Regardless, it's in examining these easily-overlooked details that the film that <i>could</i> have been emerges. Or maybe the film that <i>was,</i> given what we know of <i>Hellbreeder</i>'s history. But very, very few people are going to give this movie a second chance, and it's really too bad that the obvious talent behind the film has been obscured or eviscerated in an attempt to make a disposable product. I'd like to see what Roberts and Eaves really had in mind. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdO-I2qRQ5NTcpX5kbkJPI54edJawkGgNJGUDXfZ0C66NfKLeS_ZbDs74QFUNk5bPZMmK5nEN7uBkpr5dwCbrkEycGrsb8AZT7CNTPENUKp5TOQJntBc2j5ZsPw9cWHsx8rU3_ZtEqjbm3/s1600-h/DVD+Snap+1%2344.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdO-I2qRQ5NTcpX5kbkJPI54edJawkGgNJGUDXfZ0C66NfKLeS_ZbDs74QFUNk5bPZMmK5nEN7uBkpr5dwCbrkEycGrsb8AZT7CNTPENUKp5TOQJntBc2j5ZsPw9cWHsx8rU3_ZtEqjbm3/s320/DVD+Snap+1%2344.jpg" /></a>Until I do, though, I have to work with what I have, and what I have is disappointing. I've avoided saying so until now, and I'm by no means the first to suggest this, but <i>Hellbreeder</i> feels a lot like an homage (I'm being nice here) to Stephen King's <i>It.</i> What with the child murders, the ancient evil entity taking the form of a clown, and the balloons flying everywhere it all feels very familiar.<br />
<br />
There's more. At one point, during a dream sequence, Sam tells Alice that they need to look for the clown "somewhere between Ludlow and Derry," which just happen to be the names of two towns that feature prominently in several King novels, including <i>It</i>. And Matthew, in his blood-spattered raincoat, could be the body double for <i>It</i>'s little George Denbrough, whose murder during a rainstorm opens the book. Then there's the weird guy who turns up in Alice's bathtub and suggests she cut her wrists and get it over with, much in the same way Stan Uris in <i>It</i> slits his wrists when he begins to remember what happened to him and his friends when the evil clown Pennywise came into their lives 27 years before. Again, what could have been new and interesting instead feels like a pastiche of things we've seen too many times before.<br />
<br />
The way <i>Hellbreeder</i> is packaged, it's just one more so-so horror film. Again, I don't blame Eaves and Roberts for this one. I think it's what happens when someone's personal vision is co-opted by the demands of the marketplace. I understand that no fewer than six speaking roles were cut from <i>Alice</i> to turn it into <i>Hellbreeder.</i><br />
<br />
I can't help but want to hear what they had to say.<br />
<br />
<br />
Favorite Line: "Mass murderers don't usually stop to say hello."<br />
<br />
Rating (out of 5):<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2mYU0_6YLfwOVl_n8kzAJS-RVcNPXqBiSAMDEFNzamceH5P_bMfxHKsEaaDBbmy6LSvJsb4oWcMa_uopgIsR2cxiAUkTQXrTEOAEGxeGLXGbKRco85_EufBAP4y6OtXYIJWv0cyg9E4/s1600-h/2+clowns.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2mYU0_6YLfwOVl_n8kzAJS-RVcNPXqBiSAMDEFNzamceH5P_bMfxHKsEaaDBbmy6LSvJsb4oWcMa_uopgIsR2cxiAUkTQXrTEOAEGxeGLXGbKRco85_EufBAP4y6OtXYIJWv0cyg9E4/s320/2+clowns.png" /></a><br />
</div>Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-50282906904005377722010-01-09T16:31:00.000-08:002010-01-09T16:35:25.673-08:00Life Goes OnSo as you know Bob the hamster was murdered earlier this week. I would like to say that Teddy feels bad about what he did, but he doesn't. In fact, every time he comes down here he sniffs around the site of the horrible event and does a little victory dance. It's all very upsetting, particularly to Bob's brother, Jeff, who witnessed the slaughter and hasn't been the same since.<br />
<br />
But even in the face of great tragedy we must move on. Only I haven't moved very far because I've been sick. This stupid cold thing won't go away, and apparently my head has become a source of never-ending fluids, rather like that porridge pot from the fairy tale.<br />
<br />
You remember that, don't you? You said a rhyme--"Little magic porridge pot, make me porridge piping hot"--and <i>voilà,</i> you had porridge. Then you said something else to make it stop. Only the greedy girl in the story didn't say the right thing and the pot wouldn't stop making porridge and eventually the entire town was drowned in the stuff.<br />
<br />
Anyway, my head is like that.<br />
<br />
However, there has been <i>some</i> fun. Today I received an e-mail from the delightful Laurel Ann, who writes the equally delightful Austenprose blog. Laurel is also a bookseller, and this week she had an encounter with a customer involving <i>Jane Bites Back.</i> It's very funny, and you can <a href="http://austenprose.com/2010/01/09/a-bookselling-moment-with-jane-bites-back/">read about it here.</a><br />
<br />
Now I need to go lie down with dogs piled around me and see if I can get some sleep. Please try to keep it down.Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1494216767626307646.post-55430962228948379752010-01-06T06:33:00.000-08:002010-01-06T06:34:19.649-08:00And It's Only WednesdayWhat a week it's been. And it's only Wednesday.<br />
<br />
It started on Sunday. Well, Monday really as the events occurred after midnight. See, both Patrick and I were coming down with coldy/fluey things. His first day at the new job was Monday, and of course I wanted him to get his rest. Besides, I couldn't sleep, so I moved to the couch.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRDlKh8akLNdWrEFa-ekGlochqgyLPhXrAA9WHJvQdi9pYYRk2W7LpIfW-WZuNG4glkgKziH9o8IHIZIH6T33pOJKwFKB8QRiwPkC1RmKp98BSgpbWim0QF7BV0GlUVArNKxGzOOSUIxI/s1600/me+and+teddy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRDlKh8akLNdWrEFa-ekGlochqgyLPhXrAA9WHJvQdi9pYYRk2W7LpIfW-WZuNG4glkgKziH9o8IHIZIH6T33pOJKwFKB8QRiwPkC1RmKp98BSgpbWim0QF7BV0GlUVArNKxGzOOSUIxI/s200/me+and+teddy.jpg" /></a>Teddy came with me. If you don't remember Teddy, that's us to the left. He's the adorably cute one. Everybody thinks so. People actually stop us on the street and ask to take his picture. They think he's sweet.<br />
<br />
Well.<br />
<br />
Teddy isn't allowed on the bed, but he has full run of the rest of the furniture. As soon as I lay down he jumped up and snuggled next to me. Which was nice. He's warm and soft and smells good, so I didn't mind having him there.<br />
<br />
I did mind, however, when he wanted to go out at 2:30 in the morning. This isn't unusual for him, and in fact is more or less his regular schedule. I was just hoping he might be so excited about being on the couch that he would forget about the midnight pee.<br />
<br />
But he didn't, and so out we went. He did his thing and ran back in the house while I locked up. When I came around the corner I saw him furiously rubbing his snout against the carpet. At least that's what I thought he was doing. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoX-hkwFN-JNO1DwphRQPHN9gVou3s4dxOQ4gVTFjkEEvNLTJWw0is-k5LROV4RrX5H0RBFwI7jpBCeOKJ0UNuith1m_9GCahcSmEryhkyx_C6USr_UsMoQvgfZGfgCCP-5lE229OiEbU/s1600-h/IMG_2685.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoX-hkwFN-JNO1DwphRQPHN9gVou3s4dxOQ4gVTFjkEEvNLTJWw0is-k5LROV4RrX5H0RBFwI7jpBCeOKJ0UNuith1m_9GCahcSmEryhkyx_C6USr_UsMoQvgfZGfgCCP-5lE229OiEbU/s200/IMG_2685.JPG" /></a>Remember Bob?<br />
<br />
That's him on the right. He's a hamster. Quite small. Fuzzy. Cute. Brother to Jeff.<br />
<br />
At least he <i>was.</i><br />
<br />
That's right. Was. Because Teddy wasn't rubbing his snout on the floor. He was shaking Bob. And Bob came out the worse for it.<br />
<br />
How Bob got out is a mystery. He was something of an escape artist, and had gotten out of his cage on a number of occasions. In fact I'd already rescued him from Teddy twice and another time from Andrew, who actually had Bob in his mouth and brought him to me like a gift.<br />
<br />
In those instances Bob got out because <i>someone</i> left a cage door open. But this time both doors were wired shut, specifically to prevent another nighttime adventure. The only conclusion I can come to is that Bob teleported. That would be just like him.<br />
<br />
Anyway, now Bob is dead. If it's any comfort to you, it was all over very quickly. Shiba inus are hunting dogs, and Teddy did his job with efficiency and precision. Much like a ginsu knife.<br />
<br />
I put Bob in the composting bin.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrao2-wvVV3W8yuiPW1mmQ6nkojTr6GnvAEPVMUyciat-uuPI41HRDXBLKhyWW2D7Dz1nh855suOs8UJ-kqo7CvnK44MU964uihYLfFSvDP-YrrG92Ep-wjEoNMkbZ5C2bef3aNg4cgcs/s1600-h/what+we+remember.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrao2-wvVV3W8yuiPW1mmQ6nkojTr6GnvAEPVMUyciat-uuPI41HRDXBLKhyWW2D7Dz1nh855suOs8UJ-kqo7CvnK44MU964uihYLfFSvDP-YrrG92Ep-wjEoNMkbZ5C2bef3aNg4cgcs/s320/what+we+remember.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>So that was how Monday started. But things perked up on Tuesday when I received word that book reviewer Bob Lind of <i>ECHO</i> magazine named my novel <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Remember-Michael-Thomas-Ford/dp/0758218524/ref=tmm_pap_title_0">What We Remember</a></i> as both the best mystery novel and overall best novel of the year for 2009.<br />
<br />
Thanks, Bob! It's always nice when people like your books. And it's particularly nice when they call them things like "the best book of the year." And it's great fun to be on that list with my friend <a href="http://scottynola.livejournal.com/">Greg Herren, </a> whose mystery novel <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Murder-Garden-District-MacLeod-Mystery/dp/1593501056/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262747961&sr=8-1">Murder in the Garden District</a></i> was also in the Top 10.<br />
<br />
As it happens, the paperback edition of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Remember-Michael-Thomas-Ford/dp/0758218524/ref=tmm_pap_title_0"><i>What We Remember</i></a> comes out on April 30. I'm not saying you should get it or anything. You know, if you really don't <i>want</i> to read <i>the best book of 2009. </i>But if you do, the stores will have it. Just in case.<br />
<br />
Now look. I'm sad about Bob (the hamster, not the reviewer) and all, but I'd be lying if I said this news about having written <i>the best book of 2009</i> didn't up my mood a little bit. I mean think about it. Bob had a pretty good life. He lived on the edge. He saw more in his 18 months than most hamsters see in twice that time. And he went out in a blaze of glory.<br />
<br />
So let us remember Bob as he would want to be remembered -- not as a tragic figure but as a hamster with a brave heart and fantastic whiskers.<br />
<br />
Did I mention that my novel <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Remember-Michael-Thomas-Ford/dp/0758218524/ref=tmm_pap_title_0">What We Remember</a></i> was named the best book of 2009?Michael Thomas Fordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00277954969031746882noreply@blogger.com5