Creepy Clown Monday #3: Night of the Clown (1998)

After watching the first three films for this little undertaking of mine I'm starting to feel a bit like one of those guys who sits in his basement rec room watching old 8mm nudie reels. Not because there's anything remotely prurient about creepy clown films (at least not for me) but because so far the movies I've watched all look as if they were shot on somebody's cell phone then circulated as bootleg copies until the one I got was seventeen generations removed from the original.

Seriously, Night of the Clown makes Purvos look like The English Patient in terms of cinematography. This thing is so dark and grainy that watching it makes you wonder if you're stoned. Which appears to be the idea. The cover of the DVD suggests (or perhaps warns) viewers "Get wasted . . . Watch this . . ." And in an interview contained in the DVD extras writer/director Todd Cook says about his film, "It's not supposed to make sense. It's just supposed to be a strange experience."

Isn't that what people who write poetry say?

Anyway, this marketing concept seems to have been developed after the fact, as Night of the Clown was never supposed to see the light of day. It's something Cook and his wife Lisa made just for the hell of it. Both had made other horror films and this was an experiment of sorts meant for their own amusement. Then the film got out to some friends and people started watching it at parties, usually while under the influence of mind-altering substances. And thus a minor underground cult hit was born.

Very minor. And very underground.

It's difficult to say why the film is entertaining, but it is. It's not so-awful-it's-good awful; it's so awful you keep watching it as you would an impending accident involving a truckload of kittens and a tar truck. Unable to stop it, you want to turn away in horror but something says, "This is sure to be the most awful thing I've ever seen, and I want to be able to tell my friends about it in detail, so I'm just going to tough it out no matter how bad it is."

The "plot" is this: Todd is a very successful pickle salesman married to Lisa. One night he comes home and announces that he has sold his company for 843 million dollars. We also discover that he has five identical brothers (Dante, Chris, Clyde, Bartholomew, and Jake, all played by Cook) any one of whom might want a piece of Todd's good fortune.

I won't torture you with trying to explain what happens or why. It just happens. One by one the five brothers show up at the house and are killed by an insane and apparently magical clown who is roaming around the neighborhood.

The DVD box copy claims that "Night of the Clown has been considered to be one of the strangest, wackiest, wildest slasher movies ever made, with some of the most original and weirdest kill scenes depicted in a movie."

The first half of that claim is debatable, but on the second I call "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!" Only about half of the kills are even remotely inventive. Of the six central deaths two involve knives and one is carried out by golf club. Even with a clown wielding the instruments of murder these are pretty ordinary. The remaining three are a wee bit better, involve a mannequin hand bursting through a chest, an exploding miniature rocket, and what I think is either a shop vac or a leaf blower. It's impossible to tell.

The clown, however, is decidedly creepy, which earns the flick a point or two. He also does some sweet little dances that are way better than any production of The Nutcracker I've ever seen, and I've seen my share. Although now that I think about it, Mark Morris's The Hard Nut is great and I really enjoy Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker!, so I will amend my statement to say that the clown dances in the film are better than any production of The Nutcracker I've seen that wasn't created by Mark Morris or Matthew Bourne. Which is still saying something, so a big round of applause for the clown for outdoing the San Francisco Ballet, the Dance Babies level one class, and some other heavy hitters.

It's just too bad you can't see the creepy clown and his dances all that clearly because of the crap camera work. Just as creepy (and crappy) is Todd Cook's acting as he portrays each brother's unique personality. Dante wears a Nixon mask and makes horror films, Chris doesn't really do anything, Clyde is a wannabe rock musician, Bartholomew is a classic nerd (who keeps a pickle in his pants), and Jake is a flatulent housecleaner with limited mental capacity. Cook, who incidentally could have benefitted greatly from orthodontia as a kid and who looks way better with the short hair he sports in the interview portions of the extras than he does with the nasty ponytail he has in the film, adds to the film's ever-mounting aura of craptastitude with every grimace of horror and every coyly delivered promise to reward Lisa with a big, juicy pickle if she does as she's told.

By the way, did I mention that the film is set in a future where there are 100 hours in a day and Todd and Lisa's house talks to them? Also, that the furniture moves around by itself? Pointless, but amusing. Also pointless and amusing are a lengthy and almost totally unrelated scene of girls being scared in what appears to be a real Halloween haunted house constructed in someone's garage, and a three-minute battle between two mischievous house cats. One of the cats is interviewed in the DVD extras.

All right, back to the story. All the brothers (including Todd) are dead. So what does Lisa do? That's right, she goes up to the bedroom and puts on clown makeup. Then she wanders down into the kitchen--which is lit by a disco ball--and encounters a creepy little mannequin girl that threatens to kill her with a pickle. The real clown shows up, Lisa chases it through the house and finds its magic music box (don't ask), and the clown begs her to give it back. Because women in horror films always do exactly the wrong thing, Lisa returns it and the clown promptly turns her into a mannequin sporting a disastrous Ogilvie home perm.

So if Lisa isn't the creepy clown, who is? Normally I wouldn't want to spoil it for you, but in this case it hardly matters. It's Lucy, Lisa's twin sister. She apparently has always been jealous of Lisa and her wealth. Also, I'm guessing, her fabulous moving furniture.

Lisa, understandably shocked, begs her sister to turn her back into, well, Lisa. Which Lucy does. The end.

Apart from the clown, the best thing about Night of the Clown is that it's mercifully short. Clocking in at just over an hour, it really would make a good thing to have on in the background at a party, or maybe on Christmas morning while opening presents. Watching five minutes of it here and there is no less gratifying than watching the whole thing, so no matter when you join in you're bound to marvel at its glory. Of course, you can always follow the advice on the DVD cover and play drinking games, taking a shot (or a swig of eggnog if you go with the Christmas morning idea) whenever anyone says "pickle" or every time Todd changes character. Then, when you're good and loaded, you can have even more fun recreating the clown's dances. It's family fun for everyone!

Should you be interested in learning more about this and other films produced by the studio you may visit them at Screamtime Films.

Favorite line: "You suck zit ridden pickles in butt sauce!"

Rating (out of 5):

Creepy Clown Monday #1: The Clown Murders (1976)

Welcome to the first installment of Creepy Clown Monday, my look at the world of creepy clown films. Each week I'll be featuring a film (and sometimes a television show) that prominently features a clown as an object of horror. For some of you that means any clown, but I'm basically interested in films where the clown is meant to make you scream. You may be surprised to learn that this sub-genre of film is quite large. At the moment I have enough films to take me through an entire year, and I discover more every week. So we have lots to talk about.

We begin Creepy Clown Mondays with what is arguably the first creepy clown film of the modern age, 1976's The Clown Murders.

This is the original one sheet for The Clown Murders. Not exactly scary, is it? In fact, one might even say they're going for a kind of seriousness one would expect from a Deep and Meaningful Play like, I don't know, The Crucible, or something by an alcoholic Russian.

It's the graphics. They imply something that might be performed by well-trained actors in a theatre and not by semi-competent actors in a theater. Looking at this poster you might imagine yourself at a very swank cocktail party, talking to a dashing man who has just shared with you the details of his recent trip to Paris, during which he attended a performance of Manon Lescaut at the Opéra National and had lunch with Jeanne Moreau. Taking a sip of your martini, you nod and reply, "Have you seen The Clown Murders? I found it a provoking commentary on the tragic nature of obsession."

Oddly enough, you wouldn't be entirely off base. I think the makers of the film really did want to do something serious. Well, kind of serious. Here's the basic plot: A nice enough fellow (Charlie) comes home after being gone for a while to discover that his ex-girlfriend (Alison, that's her on the left there) has married another friend (Philip), a businessman who is planning on turning the farm on which Alison grew up into high-rise condos. For reasons that have everything to do with the plot, the deal is to be signed at midnight on Halloween.

To celebrate the closing of the deal, Philip is throwing a Halloween party at his country club. He orders his meek assistant, Ollie (played by funnyman John Candy in one of his first film roles), to order costumes for everyone attending. Charlie's buddies Rosie and Peter convince Charlie that they should scotch Philip's plan by kidnapping Alison from the party and hiding her so that she can't sign the paperwork to complete the sale of her family's property. I'm not entirely sure why, as I fell asleep for about 10 minutes at this point. But it's supposed to be a practical joke.

Anyway, for more reasons having everything to do with the plot, Rosie and Peter convince Ollie (who just wants to be one of the guys) to change the costume order to nothing but clown costumes. Now all the partygoers will look exactly alike. Ha ha! It's a whole herd of clowns! Scary, right?

Not so much. Well, if you find clowns in general creepy then seeing 80 of them in one place drinking cheap white wine might freak you out. But it isn't exactly frightening. However, when Charlie and his pals surround the golf cart on which Alison and Philip are riding (I forget why they're on a golf cart, but it doesn't matter) and force them to get out, there's a moment when you think, "Yeah, getting carjacked by clowns would probably make me soil my pants."

And here is where things go terribly wrong for everyone. This is supposed to be a harmless prank, right? Only during the kidnapping Philip gets knocked out cold and you start to sense that some people have anger issues that are going to be a problem later on. Rosie, in particular, seems a little unhinged, which if you ask me might have something to do with the fact that he's called Rosie and is a full grown man. But more on that in a bit.

Having knocked Philip out, the four clowns (Charlie, Rosie, Peter, and Ollie) take Alison to an old farmhouse and deposit her in an upstairs bedroom. They leave Ollie to look after her. Then a bunch of talking happens and everyone gets mad at each other. You find out that Charlie is sad that he lost Allison, Peter is kind of a putz, and Rosie has some serious problems with women.

For reasons I again can't remember (probably because the script told him to) Charlie goes out to look in the old barn. Finally--FINALLY--a creepy clown shows up. Here he is. Not a great picture, right? Well that's pretty much all you see of him in the film, so enjoy it while you can.

Realizing that this clown is not one of his friends, Charlie begins to worry. He worries even more when the clown chases him and he ends up trapped inside a chicken pen surrounded by an electrified fence. Yes, you read that correctly. And now back in the house a bunch of stuff happens that is supposed to be dramatic. Basically, Rosie is being an even bigger jackhole than he's already been, which is saying something. He's making fun of everyone--particularly Ollie, who eats a lot. I mean a LOT. He's a total fatty boombalatty.

One of the things Rosie decides is that he wants to have sex with Alison. But not in a good way. He kind of wants to make her have sex with him, if you get my drift. But Ollie protects her by baring the door and so Alison decides to have sex with him instead. No, I don't know why. But she does. And they show it. For far too long. Which is worse than any creepy clown in existence.

Now it's time to wrap the film up. Alison goes to take a shower, which I totally can't blame her for. Rosie drags Ollie (in his underwear) outside and beats him up. Ollie cries and acts like a giant sis and you don't feel one bit sorry for him. Meanwhile, Charlie is still in the chicken coop and is screaming at Ollie to get up and help him, which he doesn't because Rosie has hogtied him and, as I mentioned, he's a blubbering mess, apparently over having just lost his vrginity.

Rosie goes back inside, where he finds Alison standing wrapped in a towel. She drops it and tells him to come make love to her. Instead, he runs away. No, I don't know why either. I think they're implying that Rosie is gay and is going pyscho on everyone because he can't handle it, but that's kind of homophobic of them and let's hope it's not the case. Whatever the reason, he runs out of the house.

Honestly, I don't even remember who dies. I think the clown shotguns Peter, then Ollie shoots Rosie more or less accidentally (but not really, because he totally hates Rosie for teasing him so much). Alison stabs the clown in the hand. Charlie gets out of the chicken coop. The police show up and dawn comes. Everyone is sad because they realize they're unhappy. Or something like that.

Oh, the creepy clown. I almost forgot. Early on in the movie, when Charlie returns to the farm (where he used to live with Alison) to pick up some stuff he left there, we learn that the farm is being looked after by a caretaker with a Scottish accent and his semi-special son who likes to decapitate chickens. And guess what--they don't want the farm sold! So there you go. What? No, not the chicken-killing son. The father, although I suspect the son helped. (We know this because his hand is bandaged where Alison stabbed him.) Who saw that coming, eh? The film ends with the two of them walking through a field, apparently going to IHOP to have a celebratory breakfast, although it's unclear what they've accomplished.

As I said earlier, I think the filmmakers were going for Something Big. You know, the clown as the exposer of human foibles and so on. And good for them. But, well, I don't know. It was all kind of meh. Also blurry, as the DVD quality is crap even for a movie shot in 1976. Still, as one of the first movies to use the whole creepy clown trope, it's worth watching.

By the way, here are the covers of the VHS releases of the film and the 2007 DVD release. Notice anything different about them?


I thought you might.

I can give the artwork on the first VHS a pass, but the second one and the DVD are problematic. There's no graveyard in the film, no clown doll, and definitely no clown with a machete. So boo on you, Image Entertainment, for making us expect something a little more shriek-inducing than what we get. And boo on you for making us think John Candy is the star. Sure, he's got a pretty big role, but what about poor Stephen Young (Charlie), who was in Soylent Green and had parts in TV shows including CHiPs, The Bionic Woman, Hawaii Five-O, Magnum P.I., and Hart to Hart? Or Lawrence Dane (Philip), who appeared in a ton of stuff including Scanners, Little Gloria . . . Happy at Last, Amy Fisher: My Story, and Queer as Folk? Don't John Bayliss (Peter) and Gary Reineke (Rosie) deserve top billing too? After all, they were in episodes of Goosebumps and The Adventures of Sinbad respectively.

But I suppose you do what you have to do to move units.

Favorite Line: "There's more to life than just building apartment buildings."

Rating (out of 5)