Thursday, October 29, 2009


I have a sore throat.

I know you think there are more important things to be worried about right now, like maybe the recession or the fact that any day now some power-mad lunatic is going to start World War III, but you'd be wrong. The most important thing in the entire universe is that I have a sore throat.

This is a picture of my throat. I know, right? It's bad. Thanks for noticing.

There is nothing--nothing--I hate more than having a sore throat. Well, I suppose I hate green peppers more than I hate sore throats. Also, hip hop music. And people who don't use their turn signals. I hate them the most. Oh, and chimpanzees. They're vile.

But as far as health-related stuff goes, a sore throat is at the top of my list. Yes, even more than throwing up. I can deal with that, and usually when you're done you feel a lot better. Diarrhea is pretty irritating as well, but it's really more of an inconvenience than anything else, and at least you can be entertained by the sounds your butt makes. Sore throats, though, they just suck.

This one is caused by a cold. They usually are. Did you know (I didn't) that the sole purpose of a cold virus is to attack the cells that produce mucous in your throat? I had no idea they were so single-minded. I thought they just generally mucked things up. Now I hate them more than ever.

This is a cold virus. Well, one of them. Apparently there are over 100 different kinds. I don't know which one this is. I think its name is Marcus, or possibly Janelle. Whatever it is, it's evil and must be destroyed. But apparently that's beyond the limits of modern medicine. And so I suffer.

Oh, here's the best part. Do you know how you get a cold? Get this. Someone who already has it sneezes or coughs up mucous particles, which you then ingest. That's right--you eat them.

Feel free to vomit (which is still not as bad as having a sore throat). From what I understand, these mucous droplets are easily suspended in air, which means someone could hack them up a hundred feet away from you and if there's a stiff breeze you'll be snacking on their snot bits. That old man wheezing at the back of the bus--you might be getting more intimate with him than you ever imagined.

Yeah, yeah. I know. We breathe all kinds of crap in all the time. It just freaks me out that my sore throat started out as someone else's sore throat. At least in my case I pretty much know whose sore throat that was. Patrick has been sick for a week, so he's the prime suspect. Although it could have been one of the people at the Mika concert on Saturday, or someone on the subway, or even the clown we saw Tuesday night. He did do a bit where he licked a length of chain (don't ask) and then swung it around. Some of his mucous particles could have been flung out over our heads, only to dash down our throats while we were laughing.

Anyway, I'm not looking to point the finger of blame. And Patrick has been really good to me. Last night he made chicken soup. The real kind, not from a can. Also, it was his suggestion to drink a glass of warm water with honey in it. That seems to help. So did gargling with salt water.

But I still have a sore throat, and probably will for at least a few more days. I don't intend to take it well. There will be lots of complaining, and moping, and sitting in bed with the dogs watching horrible Lifetime movies starring washed-up former TV stars. At some point I will likely become convinced that my throat is closing up completely and that I'll be forced to perform a tracheotomy on myself with a ballpoint pen.

All because someone had to go spewing his mucous droplets around.

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