Creepy Clown Monday #7: The Idiot Box Part I (Comedy Television)

The main focus of Creepy Clown Mondays is films. But the horror of evil clowns knows no bounds, and I think it appropriate that from time to time we take a look at those red-nosed demons that have occupied our television sets.

With the exception of a handful of children's shows (which we'll discuss in another post) there have been no television series devoted entirely to clowns. However, a number of well-known series have featured clowns in one or more episodes. Again keeping with the theme, we'll be looking at only episodes where the clowns are more or less creepy. You know, more than usual.

We'll also be sorting the episodes by genre. In future editions of CCM we'll take a look at clowns in Sci-Fi and Horror Television, clowns in Classic Television, and clowns in Children's Television. But right now we're going to look at clowns in Comedy Television.

Given that comedies are supposed to be, well, comedic you might not think we'd find a lot of creepy clowns in them. And you'd be right. In general when clowns make appearances in comedies they're there to add to the ha-ha factor. Usually they show up as part of the old fear of clowns shtick. That's fine, but it gets old after a while. So when you find something that's really well-done it's a tiny little miracle.

Let's take a gander at two of my favorite creepy/funny episodes.

Season 1 of The Simpsons began in December of 1989. Because only 13 episodes were ordered and that first season ended in May of 1990 it would be Season 2 before the show aired the first of what would become a Halloween tradition. "Treehouse of Horror I" debuted on October 25, 1990. The annual "ToH" episode has been a staple of the series ever since.

While every "Treehouse of Horror" episode is worth watching, it is "Treehouse of Horror III" that interests us. Airing on October 29, 1992 it was the fifth episode of Season 4.

The episode consists of a trilogy of scary stories told at the Simpsons' Halloween party, the first of which is titled "Clown Without Pity." It opens on Bart Simpson's birthday. Homer, in typical fashion, has completely forgotten about his son's special day. In a last-minute attempt at salvaging the occasion he rushes out to--where else--the House of Evil to look for a present.

The proprietor of the shop (an enigmatic Asian fellow meant to be an homage to shopkeeper Mr. Wing from 1984's Gremlins) suggests that Homer purchase a Krusty the Clown doll. Which he does.

The character of Krusty had appeared in a number of Simpsons episodes prior to "Treehouse of Horror III," and was a well-established part of the show. Although decidedly creepy in an I-wouldn't-leave-him-alone-with-my-kid-in-a-tent kind of way, he wasn't exactly scary. He was more pathetic than anything else.

In "Treehouse of Horror III," however, he is decidedly insane. Well, the doll Krusty is. Homer brings him home to Bart, who is delighted with his gift. But as soon as Homer is left alone with the doll it shows its malevolent side. "I'm Krusty the Clown and I don't like you," he says when Homer pulls the string that activates him. A moment later he adds, "I'm Krusty the Clown and I'm going to kill you."

Homer tosses Krusty away, only to be confronted by the doll a moment later when it crawls over the side of the couch brandishing a butcher knife.

This scene--and in fact the entire episode--is based on the campy 1975 made-for-television movie Trilogy of Terror starring Karen Black as a woman tormented by a Zuni fetish doll that comes to life. If you haven't seen it you really need to, because your life will be forever changed. Nor will you ever look at your microwave the same way again. It's that good. Trust me. I saw it when I was 7 and have never forgotten it.

Okay, so the Krusty doll continues to try to kill Homer, attempting to harpoon him when he's taking a bath and chasing him through the house. He also takes up with Lisa Simpson's Malibu Stacy doll, which is creepy for a whole raft of reasons.

Homer, determined to rid himself of the evil clown, puts him in a sack of stinky socks and drops him into Springfield's Bottomless Pit. But of course Krusty escapes, only to increase his attacks on Homer. My personal favorite bit is when he tries to drown Homer in a dog bowl.

Marge, fearing for her husband's life, phones the maker of the Krusty doll and requests the assistance of a technician. The man arrives moments later and immediately diagnoses the problem: the switch on the back of the doll has been switched to EVIL instead of GOOD. Doh!

Now fixed, Krusty becomes Homer's slave, catering to his every whim. But he's still creepy. And he always will be. Because he's a clown doll.

Fast forward 12 years to March of 2004. The sit-com Frasier has been on the air for 11 seasons. Its star, Kelsey Grammer, also provides the voice for the Simpsons character Sideshow Bob. First appearing in a speaking role in the episode "Krusty Gets Busted" in 1990, Sideshow Bob is the former sidekick to Krusty the Clown. Eventually he tries to frame Krusty for armed robbery and ends up in prison himself. They have a very complicated relationship.

Now comes the sixteenth episode of Frasier's eleventh season. Titled "Boo!" it centers around Frasier trying to get back at his father, Martin, for startling him on several occasions and embarrassing him in front of others.

Frasier, as you probably know, is a psychiatrist. In this episode he is treating a patient with severe coulrophobia, the infamous fear of clowns so many of us suffer from.

Fun Fact: The word coulrophobia is believed to originate from the Ancient Greek term kōlobathristēs, which translates roughly to "one who walks on stilts."

Frasier first tries to ease the woman into viewing clowns with less fear by introducing her to a Jack-in-the-box. This does not go well. And why would it? What's to love about a tiny clown flinging itself out of a box at you after you've listened to hideous music while waiting for the inevitable to happen? Nothing. That's what.

Still determined to help the woman, Frasier gets hold of a clown costume. His plan is to dress up in it and allow his patient to interact with a clown she trusts. You know, because the whole Jack-in-the-box thing was such a success and naturally a life-size clown is way less terrifying. Apparently this is something he learned at Harvard, where a lot of progressive ideas seem to originate.

Frasier then decides to kill two birds with one stone and use the costume to scare his father. Luring Martin to the front door of their apartment, he sneaks up behind him while holding a cleaver.

The results are spectacular and unfortunate. Martin is not only scared, he has a heart attack (just a small one, but still) and ends up in the hospital. Frasier, who at first is credited with saving his father's life, is then blamed for almost ending it when his role in the shenanigans is revealed.

Indignant over being blamed, Frasier attempts to storm off. Only when the doors of the elevator into which he plans to exit open they reveal his clown-phobic patient. Seeing him, she becomes hysterical.

I know it isn't exactly a creepy clown episode, but it's creepy enough. Frankly, Frasier dressed as a clown skeeves me out more than some of the flat-out scary clowns in the movies we've looked at in the past few weeks. Just look at his face in the photo on the right. Would you want that turned in your direction?

I didn't think so.


Rating (out of 5):

"Treehouse of Horror"

"Boo!"

Creepy Clown Monday #5: He Who Gets Slapped (1924) and Laugh, Clown, Laugh (1928)

Those of you who have been following Creepy Clown Mondays are all too aware that up to now the films have been, well, awful. Sure, that's part of the charm of creepy clown movies, but every now and then you want to see something good.

So this week we're going way back to what are arguably the first creepy clown movies ever. They aren't horror films, and the clowns aren't scary scary, but they're definitely creepy. Also, they're just great films and you need to know about them.

Both films star the legendary Lon Chaney, Sr. Best known for roles such as the Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera and Quasimodo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Chaney was one of the silent film era's biggest stars. While it's easy to think of him as just the guy who could make funny faces, his mastery of using his face and body to convey emotion is what really made him an amazing actor to watch. And although the two roles we're looking at this week are by no means his most well-known, they're two of his most interesting.

Based on the play by Leonid Andreyev, this is one of those typical melodramatic morality stories about how people can be real jackholes. It was the first film made for the recently formed MGM, although not the first film released by the studio, for reasons we'll discuss later.

Chaney plays Paul Beaumont, a brillian but poor scientist who along with his wife has been taken in by a wealthy friend, Baron Regnard. Right there you know he's in trouble, right? The whole handsome, rich baron thing never ends well.

And it doesn't. Beaumont asks Regnard (who apparently is a good speaker, while Beaumont is anxious and rabbity) to present his findings to the local scientific community. Regnard does, only he omits the part about the findings being Beaumont's. And of course when Beaumont objects he's ridiculed. That's slap #1. You'll want to keep track of these, because they're important.

Distraught over his friend's betrayal, Beaumont rushes home to his loving wife looking for comfort. Instead he gets slap #2. That's right -- she's leaving him for the Baron. Also, she calls him a clown.

Beaumont decides that he really is a clown and deserves all of this slapping, so he becomes an actual clown and develops an act called -- wait for it -- He Who Gets Slapped. The act basically consists of him being slapped more than 100 times during each performance while the audience roars with pleasure. Oh, the masochism of it all.

Because, as noted earlier, human beings are jackholes who like to see other people suffer the act becomes hugely popular. Beaumont, who is now called simply HE, is a star. (HE is always capitalized like that, apparently so we know we're talking about HE and not just some guy.) It looks as if HE will have the last laugh on the Baron and his trampy wife.

But no.

See, there's this girl. She's a bareback rider. Her name is Consuelo and she's really pretty. She also happens to be Norma Shearer, who at that time was one of MGM's biggest silent film stars. This was after she had her eyes fixed (sort of) and learned how to use the lights to her advantage so people forgot that she wasn't particularly beautiful.

Anyway, along comes Consuelo. HE thinks she's lovely. So does Bezano, the dreamy-eyed bareback rider/trapeze artist. Just like we all know what happens when the handsome, rich baron comes around, we all know what happens when the dreamy-eyed bareback rider/trapeze artist comes around. But things have been set in motion, and so we move on.

I should probably have mentioned that Consuelo's father is Baron Mancini. You'd think being a baron and all he would be rich, but you'd be mistaken. Some great tragedy has befallen the family and they're now poor. So the Baron sells Consuelo to the circus. This would totally not happen today because someone would be sure to be upset about a father selling his daughter to the circus, but Consuelo really doesn't seem all that unhappy about it. Maybe because she can't stop looking into Berzano's dreamy eyes. He has nice hair and teeth too, so he's a triple threat.

Although HE knows it's a lost cause he decides to fall in love with Consuelo anyway. As part of his act he has a satin heart sewn onto his costume. After being slapped 100 times he "dies" and one of the other clowns rips the heart off before they bury HE in a mock funeral where one of the clowns is dressed like the Virgin Mary. I'm not making that up and as far as I'm concerned it's the creepiest part of the movie and makes HWGS a shoo-in for Creepy Clown Monday.

In case you hadn't noticed, there is no talking in silent films and everything is expressed through Very Subtle Symbolism. In this instance that takes the form of Consuelo sewing HE's heart onto his costume before every show. I know. Sad. But it has to be done.

Okay, so one night whe>n the circus is in Paris guess who comes because he's heard all about this great clown? No, not Andrew Lloyd Webber. Baron Regnard. And he loves the show. He also loves the way Consuelo looks in her bareback rider outfit, and after the show he comes backstage and makes woo at her. HE doesn't like this, of course, but what can HE/he do?

Remember Consuelo's creepy father, Baron Mancini? He gets even creepier now. See, Regnard sends Consuelo a very expensive necklace hoping it will make her not want to throw up when he comes around. Mancini sees an opportunity to get even more money by marrying his daughter off to Regnard. To do his he takes the necklace back to Regnard and informs him that his little Consuelo is that kind of girl and there will be no hanky-panky with her unless she's married.

In the meantime Consuelo has gone on a picnic with Bezano and his dreamy eyes. Bezano tells her that he loves her, but she won't say it back because part of her thinks she should hold out for things like necklaces and money, which to my mind makes her a little bit of a bitch and makes me feel sorry for Bezano, who kisses her anyway, I guess because he doesn't know any other girls.

While Bezano is declaring his love and Consuelo is being a little bit of a bitch, Baron Regnard agrees to marry Consuelo because he's all worked up and gotta have it. Only HE's old wife -- the one Regnard stole -- is still hanging around. To get rid of her Regnard gives her a check for $2000, which probably went a lot farther then than it would today and if you ask me is way more than she deserves.

Consuelo now makes up for being a little bit of a bitch by telling Bezano that, okay, she loves him after all and there will never be anybody for her but him. Except she can't marry him unless she has her father's blessing, which frankly I think is kind of stupid of her considering her father sold her to the circus and is trying to whore her out to Regnard and doesn't exactly seem to have her best interests at heart, but she didn't ask me so she can do what she likes. Oh, and now we get a shot of ants crawling all over the picnic food, which I'd bet you a silver dollar is supposed to by symbolic.

Back at the circus Consuelo has returned and seems pretty happy about the fact that she loves Bezano and his dreamy eyes and beautiful teeth and soft hair. HE offers to read her palm, and no I don't know where he learned to do that. Probably from some crazy old gypsy, as there are a million of them running around. But he can, and he does, and he tells Consuelo that she's about to get some Really Bad News. Because we don't actually see Consuelo's palm and I can't read palms anyway because I don't know any old gypsies, I don't know if he's telling the truth or just trying to set her up for what happens next, which is that he tells Consuelo that he can save her because he loves her.

Yes he did. He told her. And what does Consuelo do? (Remember, she can be a little bit of a bitch.) She slaps him. Playfully, but it’s still a slap. She also laughs and says something like, "I almost believed you, you silly old clown who is old enough to be my father and is really creepy and not someone I would fall in love with even if there were no other men on the planet especially ones who have dreamy eyes and ones who have lots of money and give me necklaces."

That would be slap #3. And you know what happens after 3 slaps. You're out.

Now Baron Regnard and Baron Mancini come in looking all pleased with themselves. They inform Consuelo that she and Regnard are to be married that very night following the performance. She pouts a little bit and runs away. HE, enraged, taunts Regnard because he's mad now and doesn't care what happens. But the two barons retreat to a room to wait for Consuelo's act to be over so she can marry Regnard and Regnard can get some and Mancini can have his money and Consuelo can have her necklace.

Only HE breaks into the room. He then reveals his true identity to Regnard, who laughs at him and throws him through another door into a room where there just happens to be a lion in a cage. I don't know if it's the same lion that appears in the MGM logo at the start of every movie, but it looks a lot like that one so let's say it is. It's also very angry, which gives HE an idea.

[Side Note: My friend Carolyn's mother, when she was a little girl, used to go to the movies just to see the lion roar at the start of MGM pictures. Then she would leave. This means she never saw He Who Gets Slapped and probably not The Wizard of Oz either, although now that I think of it she probably wasn't old enough to go to the movies when these came out, so never mind.]

A lot happens now, so stick with me. HE pushes the cage up against the door. Then he goes back into the room with the barons, locks the only door leading out, and starts a sword fight with Regnard. Ragnard stabs HE, who falls to the floor laughing because now he's kind of lost his mind. With the one door locked, the barons open the other door and find themselves face-to-face with the King of Beasts.

The lion is still angry, and hungry, so he pretends the barons are antelopes and takes them out. HE is waiting to be eaten as well and doesn't really care because Consuelo doesn't love him and he has a sword wound in his tummy and those two things make it difficult to enjoy the fact that he's just gotten revenge on his enemy and saved Consuelo from having to marry someone who thinks a necklace will make up for his character deficiencies.

So the lion is getting ready to munch on clownburger when the lion tamer comes in and puts a stop to that. HE manages to get up and announces that he will go on with his act. He stumbles into the ring, where he proceeds to fall down and die surrounded by his clown brothers, Consuelo, and Bezano (who looks down with tears in his dreamy eyes).

Remember earlier where I said this was the first film made by MGM but not the first one released? That's because MGM decided to hold HWGS for a Christmas release. Because nothing says Happy Holidays like a dead clown.

Now flash forward four years to Laugh, Clown, Laugh. Once again the film is based on a stage play. Once again Chaney dons the clown white. And once again his costar is an up-and-coming starlet, in this case a 15-year-old Loretta Young. Remember that, because it factors into the creepy clown rating later.

This time Chaney's clown is called Flik. Flik is one half of the most popular clown duo in Europe, Flik and Flok. Flik's real name is Tito. Flok's real name is Simon. That's what we'll call them so it isn't too confusing. The O and I keys are right next to one another on the keyboard and it would be really easy for me to type Flik when I meant to type Flok and then nothing would make any sense.

One day while the traveling circus is on its way to the next town Tito goes down to a river to get some water and finds a little girl tied to a stick. He takes her back to Simon and says he's going to keep her. Simon says absolutely not, because women are a curse to a circus act. Then Tito says he'll name the baby Simonetta and Simon changes his mind because apparently he's either sterile or gay and therefore won't have children of his own.

A lot of years go by. Simonetta is now a young woman, even though Loretta Young is still 15 and Lon Chaney is still 45. One day Tito is hugging her, looks at her breasts, and feels something he's never felt. I know. I know. It's so very wrong. But things were different in 1928 and who are we to judge?

Oh, hell. I'll judge. This is CREEPY. In every way.

To Tito's credit, he buries his feelings. But not because they're CREEPY AND WRONG, it's because he knows Simonetta would never love an old man like him. He does, however, put her in the act. This annoys Simon (remember the whole thing about women being a curse) and he quits. Now it's just Flik, not Flik and Flok.

Meanwhile, Simonetta has run off to find a rose to put in her hair to celebrate the fact that she's now a woman. She sees some lovely roses on the other side of a barbed wire fence and climbs through, tearing her stocking in the process and cutting her leg. She's rescued by a dashing fellow who turns out to be Count Luigi, the owner of the property onto which Simonetta has just trespassed.

Luigi is immediately smitten with Simonetta (who really is exceptionally beautiful) and takes her up to his house to tend to her leg. There they run into Lucretia, Luigi's maybe girlfriend, who is not exactly a stunner and who appears to drink a wee bit too much. But really what do you expect from someone called Lucretia. I mean historically they have not been all that nice, except for Lucretia Mott, who was an abolitionist and seems like a good egg. But this Lucretia hates Simonetta on the spot. She hates her even more when Luigi takes the girl into his bedroom and shuts the door.

Now hold on. Don't freak out. He's just going to bandage her leg. And if he happens to rub it a little bit and kiss her foot is that so0 wrong?

YES. It's absolutely CREEPY AND WRONG. Honestly, can no one in this movie keep their hands off this poor girl? And where was Loretta Young's mother? Actually, I know the answer to that. She was around, but as she'd put all three of her daughters into the film business before they could walk you know what she was like. And if you ask me, this is what made Loretta have so many problems with men later on and probably what caused her to have an affair with Clark Gable and get pregnant by him and have to go away on "vacation" and come back with a daughter she'd "adopted" but who everyone knew was Gable's because she had enormous ears (this is true).

It all started when Luigi felt her up in that bedroom.

Also, it reminds me of when Miley Cyrus did that shoot with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair when she was 15 and Annie made her look really hoochie and everyone wanted to know where Miley's parents were when this was going on and it turned out they were there watching the whole thing and never said a word but then after the fact acted all surprised. Which just proves that show business parents are a real problem and need to be stopped. Except for Dakota and Elle Fanning's parents, who seem really sweet.

To be fair Nils Asther, who played Luigi, was 31 and therefore only twice Young's age. And it wasn't uncommon for girls to marry at 16 or 17. (Young was 17 when she married her first husband, 26-year-old Grant Withers.) Still, it's icky. I don't care how cute Asther was. Which he totally was. And he was Swedish.

Anyway, while Luigi is kissing Simonetta's foot Lucretia storms in and makes fun of Simonetta. Simonetta jumps out the window and runs off. Now Luigi is sad. He's so sad in fact that he develops this weird condition where he suddenly breaks out into uncontrollable laughter at inappropriate times. We find this out when -- three years later -- Tito goes to the office of a famous neurologist in Rome to see if the doctor can cure the overwhelming sadness Tito has been feeling ever since falling in love with Simonetta.

The doctor tells Tito that he just needs to cheer up, which he should do by going to the circus to see the funniest clown to ever walk the earth -- Flik! Oh, the irony! But wait -- there's more. While Tito is explaining why he can't go see Flik, Luigi walks in. He's the doctor's next appointment! That's when we find out about the laughing business.

This is good stuff. It gets even better when Simonetta comes to fetch Tito and Luigi realizes that she's the girl whose foot he kissed. Now Luigi pursues her doggedly, coming to the circus and bringing her gifts. One of these gifts is a pearl necklace, which freaks Simonetta out. It freaks Tito out too when he sees it. And then Luigi freaks out when he comes into the room and sees Tito freaking out. Tito accuses Luigi of having unnatural designs on Simonetta, at which point Luigi shows Tito the card that he enclosed with the pearls saying that they once belonged to his dear, dead mother and that the only woman worthy of wearing them is the woman who will be his wife. Hint, hint.

Tito admits that he too loves Simonetta. Now everything is out in the open and everyone is creeped out. Worse, Luigi's laughing sickness returns and Tito starts weeping uncontrollably and we're right back where we started before they saw that doctor in Rome. Somehow they manage to calm down, and Luigi says that if Simonetta loves Tito then he'll step aside. Tito says that if Simonetta loves Luigi then he'll step aside. Tito then goes out to do his act while Simonetta returns to the dressing room and sees Luigi there. She tells him she can't accept his necklace. Then he shows her the card with the nonsense about his mother and she changes her mind. (It really is a pretty necklace.)

Tito, meanwhile, is performing his most death-defying stunt, in which he stands on his head on this small, wheeled platform and slides down a wire from the top of the theater to the stage. He does it successfully and triumphantly rushes to the dressing room.

Where he sees Simonetta kissing Luigi.

Tito is naturally distraught, but Simon (who at some point has gotten over their tiff and returned to be Flok to Tito's Flik) reminds him that the love of the audience is all he needs. Tito tries to keep this in mind while Simonetta and Luigi, who are now engaged, go to spend a few weeks with Luigi's family before their wedding.

It turns out that Tito can't keep his spirits up. He tells Simon that he's leaving the act. Simon convinces him to give it one more go. Pleased with himself for recovering from his malaise, Tito is having a conversation with a stuffed chicken he keeps in his trunk when Simonetta enters dressed in a stunning fur coat, which is of course totally WRONG because you shouldn't kill animals for their fur, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't gorgeous.

Tito's reaction to her return makes Simonetta realize that he loves her "like that" (it actually says that on the title card). She then ups the creepy factor by about eleventy million when she reveals to Tito that she is in love with him too and will leave Luigi to be Tito's wife if he just asks her. She tries to kiss Tito but he pulls away.

Of course there's only one thing to do. She drags Tito over to a statue of the Virgin Mary that just happens to be in the room and swears to the statue that she really does love Tito. Because no one would lie to the Mother of God and risk damning their immortal soul to eternal Hell, Tito is convinced that Simonetta is telling the truth and he finally kisses her while everyone watching goes,"Ewwwwwwwwwww." Giddy, Simonetta runs off to tell Luigi that she's through with him and that she and Tito are going to Lake Como, where I can only assume they will hole up at George Clooney's villa to escape the paparazzi.

With Simonetta gone Tito has his own conversation with the Virgin Mary and tells her that he knows Simonetta is lying or at least confused. She really does love Luigi, and her feelings for him (Tito) are totally inappropriate, which is not a surprise to most of us. More distraught than ever, he rushes to the theater to rehearse for that evening's performance.

There Simon tries to get Tito back into the character of Flik. Tito tries, but it's just no use. All the laughter has gone from him. Trying to force himself to be happy, Tito blurts out that Simonetta is in love with him. Simon, who doesn't seem to think this is CREEPY AND WRONG, tells him that in that case he should be the happiest man in the world. That does the trick.

Actually what it does is cause Tito to have a nervous breakdown. He starts hallucinating, hearing the applause of an invisible audience and the music of an invisible orchestra while his mood changes from elation to despair in a display of rapid cycling no amount of pharmaceuticals could control. In this state he rushes to the top of the theater and prepares to do his wire-sliding trick.

Guess what happens next? Go on. Guess.

Well, you have two options. In the first one Tito falls from the wire and dies. But that's kind of depressing, so MGM insisted that an alternate ending be shot as well. In that one Tito falls but is only injured. He then brings Simonetta to her senses, she stays with Luigi, and the three of them remain friends.

Sadly, that alternate ending has been lost, so all we have is the one where Tito dies. And part of that is lost as well, so the movie ends pretty abruptly. But dead is dead, so you aren't missing much.

Incidentally, a piece of music from the film, also called "Laugh, Clown, Laugh," was a huge hit. Sadly, it was also played at Chaney's funeral when he died in 1930.

As I mentioned at the start of this column, these are what I consider the first two creepy clown films, but only because Chaney's makeup and performances are so grotesque and have since been copied in lesser films. And I mean grotesque in the traditional sense. Chaney was unparalleled as a silent film actor, and his talents are what hold both of these films together.

Unfortunately, they're not easy to find. Laugh, Clown, Laugh is only available as part of the Turner Classic Movies The Lon Chaney Collection, which also includes The Ace of Hearts, The Unknown (in which Chaney plays an armless knife thrower), and the documentary Lon Chaney: A Thousand Faces.

He Who Gets Slapped has never been made available in a commercial edition. Copies made from airings on Turner Classic Movies are available on a few bittorrent sites, and Google Video has a copy featuring French subtitles available for viewing here.

For a fantastic collection of 20 obscure Lon Chaney films (including He Who Gets Slapped) there is a 10-disc set available from Unique DVD. These are not official releases, and the source material varies in quality, but at $49.95 it's a real bargain.

Rating (out of 5):

He Who Gets Slapped 

Laugh, Clown, Laugh

Creepy Clown Monday #3: Night of the Clown (1998)

After watching the first three films for this little undertaking of mine I'm starting to feel a bit like one of those guys who sits in his basement rec room watching old 8mm nudie reels. Not because there's anything remotely prurient about creepy clown films (at least not for me) but because so far the movies I've watched all look as if they were shot on somebody's cell phone then circulated as bootleg copies until the one I got was seventeen generations removed from the original.

Seriously, Night of the Clown makes Purvos look like The English Patient in terms of cinematography. This thing is so dark and grainy that watching it makes you wonder if you're stoned. Which appears to be the idea. The cover of the DVD suggests (or perhaps warns) viewers "Get wasted . . . Watch this . . ." And in an interview contained in the DVD extras writer/director Todd Cook says about his film, "It's not supposed to make sense. It's just supposed to be a strange experience."

Isn't that what people who write poetry say?

Anyway, this marketing concept seems to have been developed after the fact, as Night of the Clown was never supposed to see the light of day. It's something Cook and his wife Lisa made just for the hell of it. Both had made other horror films and this was an experiment of sorts meant for their own amusement. Then the film got out to some friends and people started watching it at parties, usually while under the influence of mind-altering substances. And thus a minor underground cult hit was born.

Very minor. And very underground.

It's difficult to say why the film is entertaining, but it is. It's not so-awful-it's-good awful; it's so awful you keep watching it as you would an impending accident involving a truckload of kittens and a tar truck. Unable to stop it, you want to turn away in horror but something says, "This is sure to be the most awful thing I've ever seen, and I want to be able to tell my friends about it in detail, so I'm just going to tough it out no matter how bad it is."

The "plot" is this: Todd is a very successful pickle salesman married to Lisa. One night he comes home and announces that he has sold his company for 843 million dollars. We also discover that he has five identical brothers (Dante, Chris, Clyde, Bartholomew, and Jake, all played by Cook) any one of whom might want a piece of Todd's good fortune.

I won't torture you with trying to explain what happens or why. It just happens. One by one the five brothers show up at the house and are killed by an insane and apparently magical clown who is roaming around the neighborhood.

The DVD box copy claims that "Night of the Clown has been considered to be one of the strangest, wackiest, wildest slasher movies ever made, with some of the most original and weirdest kill scenes depicted in a movie."

The first half of that claim is debatable, but on the second I call "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!" Only about half of the kills are even remotely inventive. Of the six central deaths two involve knives and one is carried out by golf club. Even with a clown wielding the instruments of murder these are pretty ordinary. The remaining three are a wee bit better, involve a mannequin hand bursting through a chest, an exploding miniature rocket, and what I think is either a shop vac or a leaf blower. It's impossible to tell.

The clown, however, is decidedly creepy, which earns the flick a point or two. He also does some sweet little dances that are way better than any production of The Nutcracker I've ever seen, and I've seen my share. Although now that I think about it, Mark Morris's The Hard Nut is great and I really enjoy Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker!, so I will amend my statement to say that the clown dances in the film are better than any production of The Nutcracker I've seen that wasn't created by Mark Morris or Matthew Bourne. Which is still saying something, so a big round of applause for the clown for outdoing the San Francisco Ballet, the Dance Babies level one class, and some other heavy hitters.

It's just too bad you can't see the creepy clown and his dances all that clearly because of the crap camera work. Just as creepy (and crappy) is Todd Cook's acting as he portrays each brother's unique personality. Dante wears a Nixon mask and makes horror films, Chris doesn't really do anything, Clyde is a wannabe rock musician, Bartholomew is a classic nerd (who keeps a pickle in his pants), and Jake is a flatulent housecleaner with limited mental capacity. Cook, who incidentally could have benefitted greatly from orthodontia as a kid and who looks way better with the short hair he sports in the interview portions of the extras than he does with the nasty ponytail he has in the film, adds to the film's ever-mounting aura of craptastitude with every grimace of horror and every coyly delivered promise to reward Lisa with a big, juicy pickle if she does as she's told.

By the way, did I mention that the film is set in a future where there are 100 hours in a day and Todd and Lisa's house talks to them? Also, that the furniture moves around by itself? Pointless, but amusing. Also pointless and amusing are a lengthy and almost totally unrelated scene of girls being scared in what appears to be a real Halloween haunted house constructed in someone's garage, and a three-minute battle between two mischievous house cats. One of the cats is interviewed in the DVD extras.

All right, back to the story. All the brothers (including Todd) are dead. So what does Lisa do? That's right, she goes up to the bedroom and puts on clown makeup. Then she wanders down into the kitchen--which is lit by a disco ball--and encounters a creepy little mannequin girl that threatens to kill her with a pickle. The real clown shows up, Lisa chases it through the house and finds its magic music box (don't ask), and the clown begs her to give it back. Because women in horror films always do exactly the wrong thing, Lisa returns it and the clown promptly turns her into a mannequin sporting a disastrous Ogilvie home perm.

So if Lisa isn't the creepy clown, who is? Normally I wouldn't want to spoil it for you, but in this case it hardly matters. It's Lucy, Lisa's twin sister. She apparently has always been jealous of Lisa and her wealth. Also, I'm guessing, her fabulous moving furniture.

Lisa, understandably shocked, begs her sister to turn her back into, well, Lisa. Which Lucy does. The end.

Apart from the clown, the best thing about Night of the Clown is that it's mercifully short. Clocking in at just over an hour, it really would make a good thing to have on in the background at a party, or maybe on Christmas morning while opening presents. Watching five minutes of it here and there is no less gratifying than watching the whole thing, so no matter when you join in you're bound to marvel at its glory. Of course, you can always follow the advice on the DVD cover and play drinking games, taking a shot (or a swig of eggnog if you go with the Christmas morning idea) whenever anyone says "pickle" or every time Todd changes character. Then, when you're good and loaded, you can have even more fun recreating the clown's dances. It's family fun for everyone!

Should you be interested in learning more about this and other films produced by the studio you may visit them at Screamtime Films.

Favorite line: "You suck zit ridden pickles in butt sauce!"

Rating (out of 5):

Creepy Clown Monday #1: The Clown Murders (1976)

Welcome to the first installment of Creepy Clown Monday, my look at the world of creepy clown films. Each week I'll be featuring a film (and sometimes a television show) that prominently features a clown as an object of horror. For some of you that means any clown, but I'm basically interested in films where the clown is meant to make you scream. You may be surprised to learn that this sub-genre of film is quite large. At the moment I have enough films to take me through an entire year, and I discover more every week. So we have lots to talk about.

We begin Creepy Clown Mondays with what is arguably the first creepy clown film of the modern age, 1976's The Clown Murders.

This is the original one sheet for The Clown Murders. Not exactly scary, is it? In fact, one might even say they're going for a kind of seriousness one would expect from a Deep and Meaningful Play like, I don't know, The Crucible, or something by an alcoholic Russian.

It's the graphics. They imply something that might be performed by well-trained actors in a theatre and not by semi-competent actors in a theater. Looking at this poster you might imagine yourself at a very swank cocktail party, talking to a dashing man who has just shared with you the details of his recent trip to Paris, during which he attended a performance of Manon Lescaut at the Opéra National and had lunch with Jeanne Moreau. Taking a sip of your martini, you nod and reply, "Have you seen The Clown Murders? I found it a provoking commentary on the tragic nature of obsession."

Oddly enough, you wouldn't be entirely off base. I think the makers of the film really did want to do something serious. Well, kind of serious. Here's the basic plot: A nice enough fellow (Charlie) comes home after being gone for a while to discover that his ex-girlfriend (Alison, that's her on the left there) has married another friend (Philip), a businessman who is planning on turning the farm on which Alison grew up into high-rise condos. For reasons that have everything to do with the plot, the deal is to be signed at midnight on Halloween.

To celebrate the closing of the deal, Philip is throwing a Halloween party at his country club. He orders his meek assistant, Ollie (played by funnyman John Candy in one of his first film roles), to order costumes for everyone attending. Charlie's buddies Rosie and Peter convince Charlie that they should scotch Philip's plan by kidnapping Alison from the party and hiding her so that she can't sign the paperwork to complete the sale of her family's property. I'm not entirely sure why, as I fell asleep for about 10 minutes at this point. But it's supposed to be a practical joke.

Anyway, for more reasons having everything to do with the plot, Rosie and Peter convince Ollie (who just wants to be one of the guys) to change the costume order to nothing but clown costumes. Now all the partygoers will look exactly alike. Ha ha! It's a whole herd of clowns! Scary, right?

Not so much. Well, if you find clowns in general creepy then seeing 80 of them in one place drinking cheap white wine might freak you out. But it isn't exactly frightening. However, when Charlie and his pals surround the golf cart on which Alison and Philip are riding (I forget why they're on a golf cart, but it doesn't matter) and force them to get out, there's a moment when you think, "Yeah, getting carjacked by clowns would probably make me soil my pants."

And here is where things go terribly wrong for everyone. This is supposed to be a harmless prank, right? Only during the kidnapping Philip gets knocked out cold and you start to sense that some people have anger issues that are going to be a problem later on. Rosie, in particular, seems a little unhinged, which if you ask me might have something to do with the fact that he's called Rosie and is a full grown man. But more on that in a bit.

Having knocked Philip out, the four clowns (Charlie, Rosie, Peter, and Ollie) take Alison to an old farmhouse and deposit her in an upstairs bedroom. They leave Ollie to look after her. Then a bunch of talking happens and everyone gets mad at each other. You find out that Charlie is sad that he lost Allison, Peter is kind of a putz, and Rosie has some serious problems with women.

For reasons I again can't remember (probably because the script told him to) Charlie goes out to look in the old barn. Finally--FINALLY--a creepy clown shows up. Here he is. Not a great picture, right? Well that's pretty much all you see of him in the film, so enjoy it while you can.

Realizing that this clown is not one of his friends, Charlie begins to worry. He worries even more when the clown chases him and he ends up trapped inside a chicken pen surrounded by an electrified fence. Yes, you read that correctly. And now back in the house a bunch of stuff happens that is supposed to be dramatic. Basically, Rosie is being an even bigger jackhole than he's already been, which is saying something. He's making fun of everyone--particularly Ollie, who eats a lot. I mean a LOT. He's a total fatty boombalatty.

One of the things Rosie decides is that he wants to have sex with Alison. But not in a good way. He kind of wants to make her have sex with him, if you get my drift. But Ollie protects her by baring the door and so Alison decides to have sex with him instead. No, I don't know why. But she does. And they show it. For far too long. Which is worse than any creepy clown in existence.

Now it's time to wrap the film up. Alison goes to take a shower, which I totally can't blame her for. Rosie drags Ollie (in his underwear) outside and beats him up. Ollie cries and acts like a giant sis and you don't feel one bit sorry for him. Meanwhile, Charlie is still in the chicken coop and is screaming at Ollie to get up and help him, which he doesn't because Rosie has hogtied him and, as I mentioned, he's a blubbering mess, apparently over having just lost his vrginity.

Rosie goes back inside, where he finds Alison standing wrapped in a towel. She drops it and tells him to come make love to her. Instead, he runs away. No, I don't know why either. I think they're implying that Rosie is gay and is going pyscho on everyone because he can't handle it, but that's kind of homophobic of them and let's hope it's not the case. Whatever the reason, he runs out of the house.

Honestly, I don't even remember who dies. I think the clown shotguns Peter, then Ollie shoots Rosie more or less accidentally (but not really, because he totally hates Rosie for teasing him so much). Alison stabs the clown in the hand. Charlie gets out of the chicken coop. The police show up and dawn comes. Everyone is sad because they realize they're unhappy. Or something like that.

Oh, the creepy clown. I almost forgot. Early on in the movie, when Charlie returns to the farm (where he used to live with Alison) to pick up some stuff he left there, we learn that the farm is being looked after by a caretaker with a Scottish accent and his semi-special son who likes to decapitate chickens. And guess what--they don't want the farm sold! So there you go. What? No, not the chicken-killing son. The father, although I suspect the son helped. (We know this because his hand is bandaged where Alison stabbed him.) Who saw that coming, eh? The film ends with the two of them walking through a field, apparently going to IHOP to have a celebratory breakfast, although it's unclear what they've accomplished.

As I said earlier, I think the filmmakers were going for Something Big. You know, the clown as the exposer of human foibles and so on. And good for them. But, well, I don't know. It was all kind of meh. Also blurry, as the DVD quality is crap even for a movie shot in 1976. Still, as one of the first movies to use the whole creepy clown trope, it's worth watching.

By the way, here are the covers of the VHS releases of the film and the 2007 DVD release. Notice anything different about them?


I thought you might.

I can give the artwork on the first VHS a pass, but the second one and the DVD are problematic. There's no graveyard in the film, no clown doll, and definitely no clown with a machete. So boo on you, Image Entertainment, for making us expect something a little more shriek-inducing than what we get. And boo on you for making us think John Candy is the star. Sure, he's got a pretty big role, but what about poor Stephen Young (Charlie), who was in Soylent Green and had parts in TV shows including CHiPs, The Bionic Woman, Hawaii Five-O, Magnum P.I., and Hart to Hart? Or Lawrence Dane (Philip), who appeared in a ton of stuff including Scanners, Little Gloria . . . Happy at Last, Amy Fisher: My Story, and Queer as Folk? Don't John Bayliss (Peter) and Gary Reineke (Rosie) deserve top billing too? After all, they were in episodes of Goosebumps and The Adventures of Sinbad respectively.

But I suppose you do what you have to do to move units.

Favorite Line: "There's more to life than just building apartment buildings."

Rating (out of 5)