Monkey Business

From time to time someone asks me, "If one of your books sells really well and you actually have some money, what will you buy?"

I've never had a good answer for this. Sure, I'd pay off the house if I could. But that's not what they mean. They want to know what things I would get for myself. You know, like a car. Or gold teeth. Actually, I already have one gold tooth. Well, a gold crown anyway. It doesn't have my name spelled out in diamonds on it or anything, and it's way back in my mouth where you can't see it, but it's gold, damn it. And I don't want a new car. I don't get the whole car thing. It's a car. It gets you from one place to another. I'm perfectly happy with our 10-year-old Explorer.

So I've never had a good answer to the "What would you buy?" question. Until now.

Behold the Maitland-Smith Verdigris Bronze Patina Monkey Lamp with Leather Book Design Base and Penshell Shade. Is it not glorious?

Believe it or not, I saw this lamp while watching the remake of My Bloody Valentine. It was sitting on the desk in one of the characters' homes, and as soon as I saw it I knew that I must have it. It's a monkey! Holding a lamp! While standing on some books and touching a ball!

Honestly, it made me giddy. As soon as the movie was over (It's a bad movie, by the way. Don't bother.) I set to googling to find this magnificent piece. A search for "monkey lamp" turned up several similar items, but none were as beautiful as this one. When finally I discovered its true name, I wept with joy.

Then I found out that it costs $949. Actually, the suggested retail price is $1665, but the good folks at Nobel Rugs & Home are offering it for $949. And if you ask me, it's worth every penny.

So that is what I am going to buy when I make my millions. Or my thousands. Of course by the time that happens Maitland-Smith will no longer make the Verdigris Bronze Patina Monkey Lamp with Leather Book Design Base and Penshell Shade, and I'll be forced to pay $20,000 for it on ebay. That's how my life goes.

Then again, Christmas is coming up. And some of you never got me anything for my birthday a few weeks ago. If you care to make it up to me, I think you now know how you can do that.

I'll clear a space on my desk, just in case.